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Advise
Jan 20, 2018 22:18:47 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 20, 2018 22:18:47 GMT -5
FWIW, it seems to me that most stories in here say something along the lines below Brother lostintime . - - "My marriage is a big fuck up, and naturally there is no sex happening. I could live with the other issues in my marriage if I at least had some sex happening, So someone - anyone - PLEEEAAASE tell me how to get some sex happening in my deal" The easiest 3 things to identify in life is health, money and sex/love, listed from most important to least important. Some people also want power. Power and sex you can buy, you can also buy love from someone who is a good actor/actress. Most people like to complain for compassion or sometimes they just need to talk to someone, also get some advice. I can always learn something from a good conversation. Thank you
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 21, 2018 14:53:58 GMT -5
Lostintime - I will be blunt. I don't think you're much of a husband. If you're gone all the time, then you can't be there to do the parenting and the husbanding. If you are working that many hours it's either because you're too focused on the material or because you want to avoid being at home. If you're thinking you settled for her and you could have done better then she will sense that and I'm suspecting you're not much of an emotional support to her - which is an important spousal duty. You may well be in a cycle of resentment. She may be tired because of depression, even situational depression of being in a crap marriage.
I think that your level of the sex in your marriage is a basic libido mismatch. You aren't in a sexless marriage. You don't qualify. Once a month is rubbish, for sure, but I bet if you guys were actually working together then you'd find a compromise, even on the initiation issue (a bit, many women have problems with this). But even once a month is not technically sexless. I can't tell, but it may be that you are in a LOVELESS marriage. It doesn't sound like you love her much and you certainly blame her for the crap state of the marriage.
I think you're going to have to make some tough decisions about how much you want the neighbourhood/house and how much you want to be working and OUT of the house. She could work more, you ought to work less. I get that it's hard to make choices about lifestyle, but frankly it doesn't sound like you have much of a life and your family doesn't have much of a family life.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 21, 2018 15:02:32 GMT -5
I agree with elk clan. I think I would feel the lack of regard for me if my husband settled for me and I wasn’t his type. I doubt I’d continue wanting to fuck him. If I think it’s a mistake to marry someone you aren’t that attracted to but think they’d be good for you.
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Advise
Jan 22, 2018 8:49:33 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 22, 2018 8:49:33 GMT -5
Lostintime - I will be blunt. I don't think you're much of a husband. If you're gone all the time, then you can't be there to do the parenting and the husbanding. If you are working that many hours it's either because you're too focused on the material or because you want to avoid being at home. If you're thinking you settled for her and you could have done better then she will sense that and I'm suspecting you're not much of an emotional support to her - which is an important spousal duty. You may well be in a cycle of resentment. She may be tired because of depression, even situational depression of being in a crap marriage. I think that your level of the sex in your marriage is a basic libido mismatch. You aren't in a sexless marriage. You don't qualify. Once a month is rubbish, for sure, but I bet if you guys were actually working together then you'd find a compromise, even on the initiation issue (a bit, many women have problems with this). But even once a month is not technically sexless. I can't tell, but it may be that you are in a LOVELESS marriage. It doesn't sound like you love her much and you certainly blame her for the crap state of the marriage. I think you're going to have to make some tough decisions about how much you want the neighbourhood/house and how much you want to be working and OUT of the house. She could work more, you ought to work less. I get that it's hard to make choices about lifestyle, but frankly it doesn't sound like you have much of a life and your family doesn't have much of a family life. I do not want to be gone all of the time, actually prefer to stay at home than work. I was asked for house in a neighborhood where prices start from 1M, I did not want the house. We now have the house and I have to work long hours. Most of the people in NYC and especially in our neighborhood come home between 7pm and 8pm, the only difference that I start work much earlier. I would gladly be stay at home dad. I understand that she could be depressed I also can be depressed that does not mean I have to watch Netflix all day or spend hours on Facebook. She was not my first choice look wise, but I am attracted to her. To me its false advertising before marriage is one person and after marriage is another person. I am still the same person; work hard, look after myself and will do anything for my wife and kids.
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Advise
Jan 22, 2018 9:01:28 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 22, 2018 9:01:28 GMT -5
I agree with elk clan. I think I would feel the lack of regard for me if my husband settled for me and I wasn’t his type. I doubt I’d continue wanting to fuck him. If I think it’s a mistake to marry someone you aren’t that attracted to but think they’d be good for you. She knew that she was not my type look wise, I am attracted to her and give her compliments. She wanted to marry me more than I wanted to marry her. In life you do not always get the best looking girl/boy you look at them as the overall package you also see if they are willing to be with you. Not everyone can marry best looking, smartest, most honest, etc person. You make choices on what is out there and hope that they are not going to marry you and become a significantly different person once you marry them.
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Advise
Jan 22, 2018 9:04:38 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 22, 2018 9:04:38 GMT -5
I have done a lot of reading here and I do not think my marriage is that bad. Yes its not perfect and yes I want it to be better, and no I will not settle for once a month.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 22, 2018 10:12:55 GMT -5
She knew that she was not my type look wise... She wanted to marry me more than I wanted to marry her. In life you do not always get the best looking girl/boy... Not everyone can marry best looking, smartest, most honest, etc person... Ouch. Being new to posting here yet having so easily relayed the above feelings about your spouse in such a matter-of-fact way (multiple times) makes me think that she must know or at least sense that you feel this way about her. If I were your wife I would not be so inclined to hop into bed and try to make you feel good more often either. I'm not trying to put blame on you but maybe re-examine some of these "truths" you've stated in your threads and try to see it from her perspective.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2018 12:19:18 GMT -5
I wonder whether your wife has found someone who really values me. I once had a boyfriend who let me know that he considered my looks barely ok. I ended up leaving him for someone to whom I was the love of his life. My original guy was great in bed. Next time guy wasn’t but I still preferred him to being someone’s second best.
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Advise
Jan 22, 2018 12:47:41 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 22, 2018 12:47:41 GMT -5
She knew that she was not my type look wise... She wanted to marry me more than I wanted to marry her. In life you do not always get the best looking girl/boy... Not everyone can marry best looking, smartest, most honest, etc person... Ouch. Being new to posting here yet having so easily relayed the above feelings about your spouse in such a matter-of-fact way (multiple times) makes me think that she must know or at least sense that you feel this way about her. If I were your wife I would not be so inclined to hop into bed and try to make you feel good more often either. I'm not trying to put blame on you but maybe re-examine some of these "truths" you've stated in your threads and try to see it from her perspective. Not sure what to say in my defense. I am an honest person and maybe its a bad thing, but that is how I was 15+ years ago and that is how I am now. I am not saying that I am not attracted to my wife or do not pay attention to her or that I do not respect her. It just means if I had a opportunity to marry Charlize Theron I would and I am sure she would marry someone else who she is really attracted to. She was and still is a good person, maybe she is depressed but I am not sure why. She married who she wanted to marry, she has kids, house, good schools, luxury cars. Maybe there is something that I do not know or maybe she just does not want sex on a regular basis. Am I the only one who feels that way? I do not think there is anything wrong with being attracted to someone who is really pretty or even want to marry them and still be attracted to your soon to be wife.
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Advise
Jan 22, 2018 12:59:43 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 22, 2018 12:59:43 GMT -5
I wonder whether your wife has found someone who really values me. I once had a boyfriend who let me know that he considered my looks barely ok. I ended up leaving him for someone to whom I was the love of his life. My original guy was great in bed. Next time guy wasn’t but I still preferred him to being someone’s second best. Do you really believe that guy? There are a lot of guys/girls who will say that there are the "love of his life" but in reality... My wife said the same thing to me 15+ years ago I am not sure I believe her. I think if someone like Brad Pitt (just an example she has different taste) came a long at the same time and told her that he loved her and wanted to marry her...She mostly likely would We have to be realistic and honest (at least with our selves) and be able to realize what we are and what we are worth, both in looks and intellect. In my eyes there is nothing wrong to be attracted to a person for looks, intellect and character and they do not have to be the best in each category
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Post by h on Jan 22, 2018 13:37:19 GMT -5
If she knows that she is not really your type then it has to be wreaking havoc on her confidence. She knows that she will never measure up to your standards and it probably is crushing her soul. Kind of hard to get into the mood for sex when all you feel is that you aren't ever going to be good enough.
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Advise
Jan 22, 2018 13:38:19 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2018 13:38:19 GMT -5
“Do you really believe that guy? There are a lot of guys/girls who will say that there are the "love of his life" but in reality...”
I was when we dated and for a while after. He treated me like a queen, sang my praises to his friends, skipper paying bills to fly and see me, lit up when he saw me.
Meanwhile the guy who saw me as second best even would walk ahead of me so people didn’t know we were together.
Yes, there’s a big difference in how one is treated when a partner is head over heels vs settling.
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Advise
Jan 22, 2018 13:59:46 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 22, 2018 13:59:46 GMT -5
If she knows that she is not really your type then it has to be wreaking havoc on her confidence. She knows that she will never measure up to your standards and it probably is crushing her soul. Kind of hard to get into the mood for sex when all you feel is that you aren't ever going to be good enough. She knew from the beginning and it was never an issue. Her behavior started to change only after we had a first child which was 5+ years after we got married. Never treated her bad and was always good to her.
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Advise
Jan 22, 2018 14:14:33 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 22, 2018 14:14:33 GMT -5
“Do you really believe that guy? There are a lot of guys/girls who will say that there are the "love of his life" but in reality...” I was when we dated and for a while after. He treated me like a queen, sang my praises to his friends, skipper paying bills to fly and see me, lit up when he saw me. Meanwhile the guy who saw me as second best even would walk ahead of me so people didn’t know we were together. Yes, there’s a big difference in how one is treated when a partner is head over heels vs settling. The guy who saw you as second best; has issues. He was putting you down and disrespecting you. Why would he date you if he was ashamed to be with you in public? What happen to the other guy who loved you so much? He did not move next to you right away to be able to see you every day. I think what you describing are the two extremes. There is life in the middle and its not that bad. I speak to my wife at least twice a day. I will always hug and kiss her at least once a day, also not ashamed to go out with her and usually will have my arm around her when we out and I am not holding my kids.
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Advise
Jan 22, 2018 14:38:13 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2018 14:38:13 GMT -5
“What happen to the other guy who loved you so much? He did not move next to you right away to be able to see you every day.”
I would not have wanted him to do that. He had a job in a major city with a prestigious company. I eventually got a job there, too. I ended up breaking up with him. He was a wonderful person but I had no sexual chemistry with him.
I think you are fooling yourself if you think your wife’s knowing she’s not your type has not affected her relationship with you. Postpartum, she may have felt she’d lost more of her looks especially if your type is slim women and she gained weight as most women do as a result of pregnancy.
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