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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2018 3:40:35 GMT -5
This post is prompted by one from Brother @shynjdude posted earlier titled "Do you still have fun with your sexless spouse ?"
It was acknowledging that in an ILIASM shithole, the "lover" part of the deal is no more, but underlying it is a notion that the refusive spouse is still a best friend, with whom one could have some normal banal 'fun' in day to day instances. Cooking in that story.
Interesting that the responders (and the OP) gave uniformly negative responses. The responses suggest strongly that the refusive spouse would not even rate as a 'best friend'
So, I pose the question (on a basis that your spouse has blown any credible claim to the title "lover") of what descriptive you'd bestow on them now ?
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2018 3:54:45 GMT -5
Housemate. Live-in Co-parent. Critic. Moral bludgeon.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 4:35:18 GMT -5
Business partner.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2018 6:25:02 GMT -5
Asexual,narcissist. A manipulative controller. Someone to put zero trust in. Someone to have zero contact with. Since there are still children involved the communication will involve "parallel" parenting.
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Post by Dan on Jan 16, 2018 9:54:24 GMT -5
Women can use the term "husbro". You can find this used outside of this forum from time to time.
It has been proposed on this forum that men can use "wifster"... but it doesn't have the catchy appeal of "husbro", IMO.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 16, 2018 10:23:55 GMT -5
Full time co-parent. Part time antagonist.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 16, 2018 10:54:07 GMT -5
I'm in a "close separation". I sometimes find it difficult to find a diplomatic word here, but in reference to the kids, I would often say "their mother." Ex-spouse or former spouse implies an emotional attachment that I don't care for, so I often just use her name if the relationship is known.
An ex-spouse is its own kind of familial relationship that is appointed by circumstance later in life, like becoming an aunt. I tend to think of her as an extended member of my family --something akin to an in-law in which she is is a permanent external familial relation (at least until the kids are grown) - who I might not necessarily be well aligned with, but who I'm invested in maintaining relations that are as positive as can be.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 16, 2018 11:08:59 GMT -5
We are best friends and business partners and co-parents.
Perhaps there is hope for my marriage.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 16, 2018 11:14:09 GMT -5
We are best friends and business partners and co-parents. Perhaps there is hope for my marriage. We all have friends and business partners. We aren't necessarily married to them. I have a co-parent/ex-spouse in an amicable enough relationship that's comparable to a sibling I'm not all that close to. So it's possible, even likely, to have all those things irrespective of marriage. What does "the marriage" mean to you in this context, as opposed to the wider lens of "the relationship"?
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 16, 2018 11:24:46 GMT -5
We are best friends and business partners and co-parents. Perhaps there is hope for my marriage. Pretty much the same deal for me but we are affectionate too with cuddles and holding hands and kisses each day (not snogs). My wife does want sex but would probably settle on around 6-10 sexual encounters per year. Maybe I am being greedy because I want more like 50.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2018 11:31:24 GMT -5
We are best friends and business partners and co-parents. Perhaps there is hope for my marriage. Pretty much the same deal for me but we are affectionate too with cuddles and holding hands and kisses each day (not snogs). My wife does want sex but would probably settle on around 6-10 sexual encounters per year. Maybe I am being greedy because I want more like 50. It is not greedy. It depends on what you are willing to settle for. If she does not WANT to have sex with you, is that really the kind of sex you want?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 16, 2018 11:31:29 GMT -5
My Ex, or The Ex, is the main label. When talking to my stepkids I call him “your dad” or sometimes I refer to him by first name (he’s a stepdad of the oldest, so her bio dad is a different guy). Within the same room as him - sometimes we hug hi/bye & other times we don’t. It depends on how recently I’ve meditated to let go of resentment vs how recently I’ve “tallied” the small machinery he kept & never paid me half of.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 16, 2018 11:45:36 GMT -5
Pretty much the same deal for me but we are affectionate too with cuddles and holding hands and kisses each day (not snogs). My wife does want sex but would probably settle on around 6-10 sexual encounters per year. Maybe I am being greedy because I want more like 50. It is not greedy. It depends on what you are willing to settle for. If she does not WANT to have sex with you, is that really the kind of sex you want? No it’s not. When the frequency was increased (she did try) the sex was shit! Totally shit. But half the time I honestly believe it’s an attitude towards it that creates a big problem. I believe she thinks that if she’s fucking more than she than she would choose to, it has to mean that she won’t enjoy it. She has proven herself wrong on many occasions but still there are so many other occasions where she is so half hearted with her effort it becomes starfish. A few years back we had sex after a 7 week gap. We would normally have gone another 5,6 or 7 weeks before we went again. I convinced her to go again just 2 days after this by telling her I would surprise her with new ideas. Slightly more kinky ideas. She agreed and we had amazing sex. So amazing in fact that 1 hour after we were finished, I woke to find her touching my cock and saying we need to go again. In other words I had found the code that unlocked the safe. Finally I thought. I’ve done it. Maybe she was just bored. Since then I have tried various different ideas and some have worked, some haven’t. Slowly but surely she seems to have shut the kink down as well. The lock code has changed and changes and changes and it’s impossible to know what the new code is all the time and she simply will not reveal what the new code is. The only code I know for sure is the one that you don’t bother trying to unlock.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 16, 2018 12:08:54 GMT -5
It is not greedy. It depends on what you are willing to settle for. If she does not WANT to have sex with you, is that really the kind of sex you want? No it’s not. When the frequency was increased (she did try) the sex was shit! Totally shit. But half the time I honestly believe it’s an attitude towards it that creates a big problem. I believe she thinks that if she’s fucking more than she than she would choose to, it has to mean that she won’t enjoy it. She has proven herself wrong on many occasions but still there are so many other occasions where she is so half hearted with her effort it becomes starfish. A few years back we had sex after a 7 week gap. We would normally have gone another 5,6 or 7 weeks before we went again. I convinced her to go again just 2 days after this by telling her I would surprise her with new ideas. Slightly more kinky ideas. She agreed and we had amazing sex. So amazing in fact that 1 hour after we were finished, I woke to find her touching my cock and saying we need to go again. In other words I had found the code that unlocked the safe. Finally I thought. I’ve done it. Maybe she was just bored. Since then I have tried various different ideas and some have worked, some haven’t. Slowly but surely she seems to have shut the kink down as well. The lock code has changed and changes and changes and it’s impossible to know what the new code is all the time and she simply will not reveal what the new code is. The only code I know for sure is the one that you don’t bother trying to unlock. Some insights from a single man, post marriage. Sometimes I want sex, and I have friends who might be willing and good at it, but I'm not all gung ho on sex with them. As in, I'm just horny (or they are), and while I like them or they like me, we aren't "all in" with them/me. Does that make sense at all? So look to what ironhamster wrote above that's different from what you wrote. You pose it as her attitude to sex. He posed it as her attitude to sex with you. If you divorced today, or died, don't think for a second that that will be the end of her active pursuit of reclaiming her sex life and pursuing desire. It's likely she enjoyed the kink and it made her horny, but it's still you and that's the real issue here. I've met so many divorced women who thought they hated sex but were banshees in the sack. "In hindsight," they all say, "It was a larger disconnection that turned me off him." If she doesn't want to have sex with you, the sex she has with you is likely going to be shitty, and she's going to resent you for it.
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Post by WindSister on Jan 16, 2018 12:21:44 GMT -5
I'm in a "close separation". I sometimes find it difficult to find a diplomatic word here, but in reference to the kids, I would often say "their mother." Ex-spouse or former spouse implies an emotional attachment that I don't care for, so I often just use her name if the relationship is known. An ex-spouse is its own kind of familial relationship that is appointed by circumstance later in life, like becoming an aunt. I tend to think of her as an extended member of my family --something akin to an in-law in which she is is a permanent external familial relation (at least until the kids are grown) - who I might not necessarily be well aligned with, but who I'm invested in maintaining relations that are as positive as can be. This is how my husband described his ex-wife to me when we first met and I have to say, I liked it because it showed his emotional attachment to her was nil - and what attachment is there is only because of his kids and the fact she is important to them. His exact words to me were, "She's the mother of my kids, not even an 'ex' anymore." As for my ex, in the end we were roommates/business partner and had zero fun together. I pursued my fun/friends and he pursued his (which, was actually all from the couch on the tv in some form or another).
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