tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Nov 17, 2017 4:39:43 GMT -5
I know my story is pretty tame compared to a lot on here, but I think telling it will help me so here goes...
I met my wife several years before we got together. She is a couple of years older than me and had 3 kids. She had just broken up with her previous husband with whome she had a SM of her own, and finally she got out. We became good friends, my family and hers, and we personally became close friends. I never knew it but she wanted me from the moment she saw me but thought I wouldn't be interested, and at that stage I probably would have been scared away if she'd approached me.
During the time we were friends she got together with a guy who we all thought was pretty cool but turned out to be a monster. He was drugging her with over the counter insomnia pills in spicy food then abusing her children, and several times raped her while she was out. Eventually she kicked him out after catching him cheating then the kids came to her and told her everything. The local cop didn't believe her and reckoned she was nuts. Didn't pursue the guy who left the country and dropped off the map.
The following year she told me how she felt about me and I realised that I'd liked her for quite a while too, so we got together. She had told me about her frustration with the previous SM, told me how her libido was strong and I "wouldn't be able to keep up with her". And at first that was true. Every night, most mornings, sometimes middle of the day on weekends...
She knew I wanted kids and agreed to have another two with me. When she got pregnant the sex life waxed and waned according to the pregnancy stages as it usually does, but by the end we were still getting at least 3 times a week although positions were limited...
She had some degree of PTSD from the abusive relationship, and talked to a psych about it but he (a junior registrar) didn't believe such things could happen (we found over a dozen similar cases worldwide over a few years, documented and proven..) and assessed her secretly as delusional, lied to us, then had her committed just before the Bub was born. They tried to induce her and take the Bub away but we fought it and she was released a day after the birth. Her ex took this as an opportunity to not return the older kids one weekend and go to court for custody. We fought for almost a year to even get weekend visitation back and they still live with him.
Post partum sex life was normal, slow but slowly improving. Right at the time the court gave her ex custody it was like a switch was flipped. Sex was once a month if I was lucky, and if I was pushy. I would get suggestions of how to make it more likely then within 2 months I'd get yelled at for doing what she suggested and I'd get another set of suggestions. Sex became worse and worse, no foreplay, no afterplay, almost no cuddling, never anything but 2 positions and always at the same time of night, sexy by numbers. No spontaneity, no variety. Oral disappeared entirely. Kissing became rare, then only during sex, then rarely during sex, then non existent. Hand jobs dissapeared. Snuggling went. At this point we haven't kissed outside of sex in over a year, not kissed during sex in 6 months, no hand jobs or oral in over 18 months, sex twice in the same month has happened maybe 3 times in 18'months and usually sparked a lecture about making her feel "Obligated" and sex twice in 24 hours hasn't happened in 3 years. If I tried to kiss her she'd turn her head for a peck on the cheek. Since the flip she hasn't come to bed naked once, even when I've asked her to, and even when we went away with a hotel room with a big spa, we were naked in the spa then got out and headed to bed but she insisted on putting pyjamas on before getting in bed, then took her pants down for sex... She told me that she probably would never get any better than his and I'd have to get used to it. Second child also went off the menu, and she made me use condoms even though she was on the pill, then she quit the pill and started pressuring me to have a vasectomy which I resisted, then agreed to, but decided our marriage would have to improve first and I haven't done it yet.
A big side effect of all this was I was in and out of depression and not functioning as well as I could around the home, which pissed her off and she would yell or lecture me which would push me further into my shell and make me less functional which would make her go off at me more etc etc etc...
I acknowledge that I was by now frequently forgetting to do things I'd agreed to do or missing things that caused a problem, like when we went away overnight and I forgot to put the suitcase in the car... Part of this is that I score borderline on an aspbergers test, and certainly have some aspie traits, but a lot of it was my survival reaction to SM and PTSD...
Finally a few weeks ago she blew up at me when I ruined a meal by putting it in the fridge that wasn't switched on...and she called quits on the relationship. I was sad but relieved at the same time. I still love her and probably always will but I can't live like that forever.
We are still in the same house while we sort out finances and living arrangements and we have got along much better as friends than as a couple, and I'm not worried about co parenting. Still early days of sorting things out and adjusting to the mental state of being single...
I can't and don't blame her for how it turned out...
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Post by workingonit on Nov 17, 2017 6:08:47 GMT -5
Wow. Welcome aboard. First off, don't compare yourself. You are here because you have suffered and that is why we are all here. All marriages are different. Yours does not sound simple.
Obviously I don't know your w but it sounds like she may have some serious issues like bipolar/BPD going on. Courts awarding custody to fathers without visitation to mothers is pretty extreme. Also the attempt to induce labor and take the baby? Also pretty extreme. I suspect there is more to the story.
Now it is absolutely fine not to share more. My point is only to applaud that you are getting out as she does not sound capable of a relationship and may be a bit more toxic than you want to admit. Be careful of getting pulled back in if the pendulum swings before your separation is finalized.
You will find good people here with good hearts and often strong opinions! You will likely get some good advice about protecting your paternal rights and assets as you divorce, although I am no help there. I wish you lots of good support and the best of luck.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 17, 2017 8:25:07 GMT -5
Welcome, tsm. My condolences regarding the ordeal you have been through.
She may have officially called it quits after the refrigerator incident, but it sounds to me like she unofficially quit many months ago, and the food was a convenient excuse. As crazy as she might be, at least she was honest that she was done. You should take the opportunity and move on. You say you love her, and I believe that is true, but that does not have any bearing on how she feels about you. Many of us, here, still love our spouses, and that helps keep us trapped for years or even decades after they quit on us.
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Post by M2G on Nov 17, 2017 12:24:17 GMT -5
Welcome to the club TSM, that no one ever wants to join.
Very sorry for all that you and your family were put through. One can't really heap too much blame upon your W - don't know that I would survive any better under similar conditions. I don't think you're to blame either - the dinner, and the things you forgot to do, would have been overlooked as trivial if all things were "normal." Using them as an excuse is just a good way to escape from dealing with the underlying trauma.
End of day I don't think you had much chance at all to salvage the relationship. Not her fault, not your fault - just sucks. Glad to hear you're able to get out under good conditions.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2017 17:27:21 GMT -5
what country did this happen in?
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Post by baza on Nov 17, 2017 18:38:34 GMT -5
See a lawyer would be my suggestion, and get this done and dusted a.s.a.p.
Incidently, there appears to be some big holes in the story she told you about her past. Not that that particularly matters now.
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Post by Caris on Nov 17, 2017 20:52:18 GMT -5
If I had gone through all your wife went through, losing my children, being committed, and almost losing a new born to the state, I don’t think sex would be on my mind at all. You both have suffered terribly, but when a mother is deprived of her own children that pain doesn’t even bear thinking about.
I’m sorry for all your troubles, for you both, and it looks like the outcome is probably for the best, but it hurts so much. I pray for your strength to endure the next steps in this horrible process, but you will endure, and come out on the other side, maybe not the same person, because this stuff changes us, but you will eventually make it.
Best wishes.
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Nov 18, 2017 5:55:58 GMT -5
There absolutely is more to the back story, and I'm not going into full details but it involves at least one dodgy cop, one completely incompetent psychiatrist, and another two (one being the supervisor of both others) who wanted extra cases for a study they were running which had barely scraped through ethics committee in the first place. It involves another psych with a long history of protecting child abusers in court (eg swearing on oath that one particularly bad offender could not have abused the children he was charged with as he had epilepsy...) and this guy took over the mental health tribunal hearing and railroaded her to be committed. One of them perjured herself in family court. The family court judge refused to hear most of our arguments and made an "interim" judgement that they stay with their dad and scheduled court for 12 months later, by which time their new living arrangements were "status quo" and harder to budge. We have now heard of over 15 other similar cases in this jurisdiction in an 18 month period where the same psych has dropped a diagnosis of delusion or borderline or another vague diagnosis on a pregnant woman then had the child removed. We have documented evidence of corruption and wrongdoing and breach of ethics, codes of practice and more. It already cost us our home in legal fees fighting this and we ran out of money and stamina to go on for now. Eventually we got the kids back half weekends and half holidays and he's point blank refusing to give any more. Our option was accept it or go back to court and spend another year and another $50k we don't have...
No, she doesn't have BPD or Bipolar...and she was not delusional about what happened. I've seen enough hard evidence, as well as loads of circumstantial, and I knew her for years before, during and after she was with this guy. We have a wonderful psych who has become a dear friend of the family over the last couple of years, who helped get her released from the hospital and has worked with her to both try to help her And to protect her and our family from the dodgy psychs who caused the trouble.
She has anxiety. She has PTSD. She's not toxic, just badly broken and probably beyond repair. I can't hate her for it but I can't live with it either. We have been reasonably good friends since we decided not to be a couple any more, and I don't have any real concerns about coparenting. I just need to work through the logistical side, get through the process, and reframe myself as a single man again.
The thought of going back to the dating pool is a bit terrifying, as with my mild aspie traits I always struggled with that, but it's another phase of life and the next opportunity.
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Nov 18, 2017 13:30:04 GMT -5
Thanks for that article!
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Post by Caris on Nov 18, 2017 15:26:43 GMT -5
There absolutely is more to the back story, and I'm not going into full details but it involves at least one dodgy cop, one completely incompetent psychiatrist, and another two (one being the supervisor of both others) who wanted extra cases for a study they were running which had barely scraped through ethics committee in the first place. It involves another psych with a long history of protecting child abusers in court (eg swearing on oath that one particularly bad offender could not have abused the children he was charged with as he had epilepsy...) and this guy took over the mental health tribunal hearing and railroaded her to be committed. One of them perjured herself in family court. The family court judge refused to hear most of our arguments and made an "interim" judgement that they stay with their dad and scheduled court for 12 months later, by which time their new living arrangements were "status quo" and harder to budge. We have now heard of over 15 other similar cases in this jurisdiction in an 18 month period where the same psych has dropped a diagnosis of delusion or borderline or another vague diagnosis on a pregnant woman then had the child removed. We have documented evidence of corruption and wrongdoing and breach of ethics, codes of practice and more. It already cost us our home in legal fees fighting this and we ran out of money and stamina to go on for now. Eventually we got the kids back half weekends and half holidays and he's point blank refusing to give any more. Our option was accept it or go back to court and spend another year and another $50k we don't have... No, she doesn't have BPD or Bipolar...and she was not delusional about what happened. I've seen enough hard evidence, as well as loads of circumstantial, and I knew her for years before, during and after she was with this guy. We have a wonderful psych who has become a dear friend of the family over the last couple of years, who helped get her released from the hospital and has worked with her to both try to help her And to protect her and our family from the dodgy psychs who caused the trouble. She has anxiety. She has PTSD. She's not toxic, just badly broken and probably beyond repair. I can't hate her for it but I can't live with it either. We have been reasonably good friends since we decided not to be a couple any more, and I don't have any real concerns about coparenting. I just need to work through the logistical side, get through the process, and reframe myself as a single man again. The thought of going back to the dating pool is a bit terrifying, as with my mild aspie traits I always struggled with that, but it's another phase of life and the next opportunity. I can only imagine the stress from fighting all that. I read a recent article about the corruption in senior citizen assisted living. There was a company, nurses, doctors, and a judge making money off their heinous exploitation of not only seniors, but their families, so I can believe there is corruption in mental health too. I have witnessed the “dirty dealings” of the so called justice system, so the establishments I used to trust, I no longer do. When human beings are running things, there is always room for corruption and deception. It took me more than 50-years to learn this. Also, one of the saddest things I saw was a woman being stripped of her independence. I was a student nurse doing clinicals at the State hospital, and the students were brought in to watch the court proceedings. Her money, and everything was now in the hands of another. It was awful, and my heart hurt for her. She was crying, and gave a good argument, but she lost her right to make decisions about her life. That’s a terrifying thought for anyone.
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Nov 18, 2017 17:52:59 GMT -5
Absolutely. People who haven't experienced it or had a close friend go through it generally believe it doesn't happen in a modern civilised society...but it does. Especially if like me you live in a relative backwater where a washed up professional from the big smoke can come and wave their qualifications around and become a big fish in a small pond....and in a smaller system there is more room for corruption at varying levels.
If we didn't have a young child I'd up sticks and go overseas and never come back...as it is I'll probably move interstate and come back for visitation. I have a shot at a job in a bigger population area that is similar to what I do now but pays 3 times as much. Granted rent is dearer there but I can save and still fly back once a month or so.
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Nov 24, 2017 4:09:05 GMT -5
Update..
She wanted to keep the separation unofficial for a while for financial reasons and to act like a couple for a while before slowly separating out all assets etc. That plan has now changed and we have started today filling in the paperwork to make it official. This also starts the 12 months waiting period before a divorce can be granted here. I don't think she cares if we divorce or not, but if we're never getting back together I'd prefer to be completely split asap, and the piece of paper does mean something to me, so I'll be filing in 12 months. I'll probably have to pay the fee myself in full though.
Discussion has mainly turned to practicality and paperwork...thankfully animosity has been minimal. Long may it stay that way!
She is spending most of next week away looking at houses in a different part of the state (where we were planning to move together before the split...) so I'll have a taste of Batchelor life...
She has even found a job there that she wants and could do blindfold, and has applied. So...moving out could be very soon indeed.
I've promised to help her move...not entirely altruistic but again, I don't hate her, just can't live with her anymore.
The flat we are sharing was only ever a short term thing, it's informally rented from friends and I can stay here for another 5 months or so before they need it for a family member, which gives me plenty of time to chase the interstate job offer and look for a new place to live. The interstate job is almost in the bag, will pay more than twice what I've ever earned, and has some flexibility so I can fly back home once a month for several days to be with my daughter. Alternatively there is a job that pays similar to what I earn now and is not far from where she is going to be and allows me to see my daughter more often, but the higher pay job will allow me to get on a good financial footing quickly and buy my own house sooner rather than later... Decisions to make...
Feels good to be moving forward and actually telling some people instead of hiding it and venting here...although we are trying to keep it dark from some toxic family members on both sides for as long as possible...
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Post by shamwow on Nov 26, 2017 7:54:55 GMT -5
Update.. She wanted to keep the separation unofficial for a while for financial reasons and to act like a couple for a while before slowly separating out all assets etc. That plan has now changed and we have started today filling in the paperwork to make it official. This also starts the 12 months waiting period before a divorce can be granted here. I don't think she cares if we divorce or not, but if we're never getting back together I'd prefer to be completely split asap, and the piece of paper does mean something to me, so I'll be filing in 12 months. I'll probably have to pay the fee myself in full though. Discussion has mainly turned to practicality and paperwork...thankfully animosity has been minimal. Long may it stay that way! She is spending most of next week away looking at houses in a different part of the state (where we were planning to move together before the split...) so I'll have a taste of Batchelor life... She has even found a job there that she wants and could do blindfold, and has applied. So...moving out could be very soon indeed. I've promised to help her move...not entirely altruistic but again, I don't hate her, just can't live with her anymore. The flat we are sharing was only ever a short term thing, it's informally rented from friends and I can stay here for another 5 months or so before they need it for a family member, which gives me plenty of time to chase the interstate job offer and look for a new place to live. The interstate job is almost in the bag, will pay more than twice what I've ever earned, and has some flexibility so I can fly back home once a month for several days to be with my daughter. Alternatively there is a job that pays similar to what I earn now and is not far from where she is going to be and allows me to see my daughter more often, but the higher pay job will allow me to get on a good financial footing quickly and buy my own house sooner rather than later... Decisions to make... Feels good to be moving forward and actually telling some people instead of hiding it and venting here...although we are trying to keep it dark from some toxic family members on both sides for as long as possible... Just as things just moved faster than you thought they would now, be prepared to see things get ugly quickly as the veneer of marriage is stripped. A couple questions: Have you seen an attorney yet? If not, do so... Have you taken your name off of any joint credit cards? If not, do so... Basically, this is the time to begin watching your back to ensure it doesn't sprout knives. Good luck, and I can say that leaving was the right decision for me. Like you I couldn't live that way anymore.
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Nov 27, 2017 2:12:30 GMT -5
No I haven't spoken with a lawyer yet.
We don't have any joint accounts or cards either. The whole way through the relationship she was keen to keep accounts separate although I wanted to open a joint account.
I'm certainly aware that it could head south very quickly...
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Post by snowman12345 on Nov 27, 2017 7:26:09 GMT -5
No I haven't spoken with a lawyer yet. We don't have any joint accounts or cards either. The whole way through the relationship she was keen to keep accounts separate although I wanted to open a joint account. I'm certainly aware that it could head south very quickly... shamwow is right - lawyer up! Do it now. She is planning on moving out of the conjugal home - in many areas this is construed as abandonment. I say let her move without a word. It puts you in a better position legally speaking. Another thing, if you file for separation now while you are in a less desirable financial state, it may improve your outlook financially post divorce. If you are in a No Fault state then it won't matter - something to ask a lawyer about. FWIW, as someone who is fucking someone other than his wife - I strongly suspect your wife is fucking someone else. She is moving to another area - who else lives there? Good luck to you and I hope you find peace.
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