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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 12, 2017 22:54:32 GMT -5
Thanks, all, for the input thus far, and helping me shape some of my thoughts. baza, I do intend to consult a lawyer at some point to see what my options are. I will think on if I can deal with each of the scenarios in the "concerns" column. Here's my current edited list: Needs - Regular daily non-sexual and sexual touch (includes kissing and cuddling) - Mutually enjoyable weekly sex (at a minimum) which often includes me giving oral - An intimate connection that no longer feels like roommates - To feel desired/wanted by him - To feel that he finds my sexuality and desire normal Desires - Passion - Spontaneity - Receiving oral from him - Trying different positions - Sex in different locations - Talk about fantasies together - Try new things together (role playing, dress up, etc.) Concerns - He will never truly desire me or be attracted to me - We'll go through years of "working on it" just to learn it's impossible - I'll lose all confidence and self-esteem - That I'll hurt him by cheating - That when he's finally able to be intimate with me again, I'll find I'm no longer willing/able to be intimate with him - We'll divorce - That he will not be able to handle it if we do divorce
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Post by baza on Nov 12, 2017 23:17:43 GMT -5
Every one of your "needs" list requires the participation of another party. So does your "desires" list.
Nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of blokes around capable of delivering these things. (your potential outsourcing beau presumably has these qualities for example). They are perfectly reasonable (and achievable) aspirations that you have.
The extra layer of complication here is that you want these qualities to appear in a specific bloke. And the specific bloke you want to have these qualities doesn't have them. That's where your (perfectly reasonable and achievable) aspirations fall arse over head.
If you proceed with your outsourcing choice, and if it goes as such things usually do, you will see your situation much much clearer I believe. (It will probably cause a huge mess too when you get caught, so be aware of that).
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Post by workingonit on Nov 12, 2017 23:31:30 GMT -5
Thanks, all, for the input thus far, and helping me shape some of my thoughts. baza, I do intend to consult a lawyer at some point to see what my options are. I will think on if I can deal with each of the scenarios in the "concerns" column. Here's my current edited list: Needs - Regular daily non-sexual and sexual touch (includes kissing and cuddling) - Mutually enjoyable weekly sex (at a minimum) which often includes me giving oral - An intimate connection that no longer feels like roommates - To feel desired/wanted by him - To feel that he finds my sexuality and desire normal Desires - Passion - Spontaneity - Receiving oral from him - Trying different positions - Sex in different locations - Talk about fantasies together - Try new things together (role playing, dress up, etc.) Concerns - He will never truly desire me or be attracted to me - We'll go through years of "working on it" just to learn it's impossible - I'll lose all confidence and self-esteem - That I'll hurt him by cheating - That when he's finally able to be intimate with me again, I'll find I'm no longer willing/able to be intimate with him - We'll divorce - That he will not be able to handle it if we do divorce Yay!! Much better!!
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 13, 2017 0:06:14 GMT -5
choosinghappy How about: A husband who cares about your happiness! A husband who finds it UNACCEPTABLE if his wife's needs, desires and concerns go avoided, unaddressed, refused! What's funny (ironic) is I do believe he cares about my happiness. He is just currently incapable of doing what it takes to make me happy. And I don't know if he will ever be capable of it. I hope to find that out sooner rather than later. He tries to make me happy in every other way imaginable. But no gifts or sweet words or tokens of love can take the place of true intimacy and a sexual connection. It's possible that hole in our marriage will never be able to be mended because he won't be able to get past his demons. If that's the case it will have to lead to divorce as I cannot live the next 40+ years like this. I suspect that it will be impossibly hard on both of us.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Nov 13, 2017 2:14:50 GMT -5
Sounds like a good exercise. I don’t really have anything to contribute, so I’ll just say best of luck to you.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 13, 2017 3:17:24 GMT -5
choosinghappy, the new list looks much more realistic, in terms of acceptable levels. And not to be a wet blanket, but I'll agree with baza about your list of concerns... Not only are they real possibilities, odds are good that every one of them will actually happen.
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Post by james on Nov 13, 2017 3:54:28 GMT -5
Agree with all of the above, especially those who have expressed concern about your concerns list.
When you put 'no embarrassment' I took that to refer to your partner, ie that you would be able to express your needs/desires to him without him becoming embarrassed. I never have and never would feel embarrassed about expressing need/desire for any kind of activity (ok well maybe one or two in the extreme kinky category!!). On the other hand I think my wife would find some of my suggestions if not embarrassing then certainly uncomfortable to listen to (and honestly they weren't that extreme, in fact they all feature on your list!).
I feel for you, you are way too young to be in this mess. Can't you just bail out now and find someone else?
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 13, 2017 5:06:49 GMT -5
And not to be a wet blanket, but I'll agree with baza about your list of concerns... Not only are they real possibilities, odds are good that every one of them will actually happen. 😥😥 If that’s truly the case then I guess I need to start my own work on coming to terms with each of these concerns (fears really) so I can be prepared to face them if/when they occur. Tonight I went downstairs to get myself a glass of water and our checkbook was lying open on the counter. Seeing both of our names in the top left corner, together, partners, I thought to myself: How can I be thinking of divorcing this man? It feels overwhelming and scary and not what I want.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2017 8:08:45 GMT -5
I look at what you have written about your husband and marriage and I wonder how you can not think of divorcing a man who so obviously never will be able to be a real husband.
Was talking yesterday to a friend. She is 62. She was sexually abused as a child and that led to her being very sexually averse. She never married but did want to have living relationships that included sex. She tried a variety of therapeutic modalities to address her issues. She did this for herself, but because a partner was begging her to. Only now is she comfortable with sex.
Becoming sexually healthy after childhood abuse is difficult even for self motivated people. Your husband has preferred to live a celibate life. The only reason he is offering to address his problem now is fear of losing you. Given a choice, he’d rather you suffer than he suffer.
I think you are unrealistic to continue to tie your life to him in hopes he will become what you want. I am surprised that when you see your names together you don’t think about the many years you have wasted being married to a man who at best can be a good platonic friend but is incapable of being a real husband to a woman with a normal sex drive.
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Deleted
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Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2017 10:56:20 GMT -5
choosinghappy How about: A husband who cares about your happiness! A husband who finds it UNACCEPTABLE if his wife's needs, desires and concerns go avoided, unaddressed, refused! What's funny (ironic) is I do believe he cares about my happiness. He is just currently incapable of doing what it takes to make me happy. And I don't know if he will ever be capable of it. I hope to find that out sooner rather than later. He tries to make me happy in every other way imaginable. But no gifts or sweet words or tokens of love can take the place of true intimacy and a sexual connection. It's possible that hole in our marriage will never be able to be mended because he won't be able to get past his demons. If that's the case it will have to lead to divorce as I cannot live the next 40+ years like this. I suspect that it will be impossibly hard on both of us. Omg choosinghappy, I feel like I’m reading the history of my life here... but in my case I think it’s a little too late cause one of your fears has became the sad truth for me: I’m no longer able to have intimacy with him. After years being sexually neglected/ rejected, after a pregancy I planned on my own, after many years without a true kiss, he became a roommate to me and I don’t think it can be fixed. He has been trying to make me happy buying me gifts, taking me out for dinner, but I can’t feel nothing. The love is gone and I just don’t know the right moment to end this relationship. I wish the all the best for you girl, I know exactly what you’re going through and I’m sorry about it...
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 13, 2017 12:06:18 GMT -5
It's hard to "like" that, @feelingrejected , but thank you for understanding and commenting. I'm very sorry you are going through it too :-(
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drbamboo
Junior Member
Posts: 20
Age Range: 56-60
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Post by drbamboo on Nov 13, 2017 13:28:40 GMT -5
Try not to torture yourself with lists. I did it for years. It just makes the whole nightmare worse. Like looking at pictures of food while starving. Give yourself a break. Don't make lists.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 13:31:25 GMT -5
And not to be a wet blanket, but I'll agree with baza about your list of concerns... Not only are they real possibilities, odds are good that every one of them will actually happen. 😥😥 If that’s truly the case then I guess I need to start my own work on coming to terms with each of these concerns (fears really) so I can be prepared to face them if/when they occur. Tonight I went downstairs to get myself a glass of water and our checkbook was lying open on the counter. Seeing both of our names in the top left corner, together, partners, I thought to myself: How can I be thinking of divorcing this man? It feels overwhelming and scary and not what I want. After our divorce was finalized and my ex-wife bounced a couple checks off the joint account (and wanted to split the bank fees), I looked at the top left of the check with a slightly different perspective I closed the account immediately after. The funny part is that she still had the checkbook and tried to give me a check from the same account to pay for baseball team fees at practice. I caught the "mistake" and told her to pay the fees and I'll just pay her back. And none of us really want to divorce our spouses. We signed up till death do we part and most of us truly meant that. But marriage vows are not the same as a suicide pact.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 13, 2017 13:38:52 GMT -5
I look at what you have written about your husband and marriage and I wonder how you can not think of divorcing a man who so obviously never will be able to be a real husband. Was talking yesterday to a friend. She is 62. She was sexually abused as a child and that led to her being very sexually averse. She never married but did want to have living relationships that included sex. She tried a variety of therapeutic modalities to address her issues. She did this for herself, but because a partner was begging her to. Only now is she comfortable with sex. Becoming sexually healthy after childhood abuse is difficult even for self motivated people. Your husband has preferred to live a celibate life. The only reason he is offering to address his problem now is fear of losing you. Given a choice, he’d rather you suffer than he suffer. I think you are unrealistic to continue to tie your life to him in hopes he will become what you want. I am surprised that when you see your names together you don’t think about the many years you have wasted being married to a man who at best can be a good platonic friend but is incapable of being a real husband to a woman with a normal sex drive. I don't see it as unrealistic at all. Seeing your names together is a reminder of a major milestone in your life. A sign of maturity, and a symbol of achievement. You don't just "throw it away, turn it off, start over, find someone else" overnight. It's a procedure, a process, one that affects others, not only yourself. Take two steps forward, and expect a step back. Baby steps. There's steps involved and you are boldly, intelligently, taking those steps. I'd say your in for a good year or more of study. Studying articles, books, and others about divorce, self esteem, intimacy, narcissism, codependency, single motherhood, judicial court system, etc..... That's a lot on anyone table, along with the stress of your current situation. Find strength in the consolement that you are not alone, and you will find other people in your life who will guide you and strengthen you, as you give the same back to them.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2017 13:56:00 GMT -5
“I'd say your in for a good year or more of study. Studying articles, books, and others about divorce, self esteem, intimacy, narcissism, codependency, single motherhood, judicial court system, etc..... That's a lot on anyone table, along with the stress of your current situation.”
Keep in mind that she has been with him 10 years, hasn’t had sexwoth him in 3 years, had very little sex with him before that, her husband only told her last year about being sexually abused as a child, says sex never crosses his mind, says he can’t stand any touch.
I am not saying she should drop everything and immediately divorce him. I am saying that she has chosen to stay for 10 years with a man who doesn’t even like any touch. She chose to invest 10 years of her life into a man who is incapable of even touching her in a nonsexual way and enjoying it. She could spend more time pondering how she invested so much of her life into a marriage that does not meet her normal, healthy need for physical intimacy. Seeing their names on the checkbook could remind her of the lack of sexual togetherness, the big gap between them.
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