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Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2017 12:20:03 GMT -5
I’d mentioned before my friend with a history of childhood sexual abuse who after years of various types of therapy that she initiated for herself, not because she was being asked to by partners, she finally is able to have sex. I neglected to mention that while she now can have sex and finds it pleasurable, she told me that in her whole life, she has had only “one half” of an orgasm.
Even with highly motivated childhood sexual abuse survivors it can be very difficult to attain normal sexual functioning. Another friend who was sexually abused as a child is 53, has tried a variety of treatments and he has tried sex with men and women but only can climax with himself via masturbating to porn.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 12:35:05 GMT -5
Wow. ballofconfusion : Thank you. I have to admit your comment made me cry. It definitely hits home and is extremely helpful. I will take it to heart and I will read up on your past posts to learn from what you went through. Don't be surprised if I do PM you :-) I am so happy you and shamwow found each other. You guys have what many of us hope for and I'm very glad you both found that with one another. You might also want to look at the post I did today on my T-Minus thread in Post-SM about nightmares. ballofconfusion is right that although living in an SM is not the same as the trauma of sexual abuse, it still is trauma of a different sort. You are under no obligation to martyr yourself for someone who may be (is likely to be IMHO) simply stringing you along.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 12:51:53 GMT -5
Wow. ballofconfusion : Thank you. I have to admit your comment made me cry. It definitely hits home and is extremely helpful. I will take it to heart and I will read up on your past posts to learn from what you went through. Don't be surprised if I do PM you :-) I am so happy you and shamwow found each other. You guys have what many of us hope for and I'm very glad you both found that with one another. Actually ballofconfusion makes me wonder something. Whose idea is therapy? Who found the doctor? Who called to make the first appointment? Who makes the subsequent appointments (this may be moot if they are scheduled on a regular basis). In her case, it was BOC who was making all the effort in trying to "fix" her husband. Knowing who is doing the (not so heavy) lifting in your situation may provide insight.
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drbamboo
Junior Member
Posts: 20
Age Range: 56-60
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Post by drbamboo on Nov 13, 2017 13:09:56 GMT -5
I don't have any real experience with what your situation is, but it seems to me that deadlines and PTSD don't work well together. It's very likely that your spouse is just never going to recover to the point that you are hoping for. In any case I expect we're talking years and years of therapy. And adding deadlines is not going to make it any easier for him. The real deadline is for you. How long can you survive like this? Have you considered asking for permission to open the marriage?
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 13, 2017 15:28:53 GMT -5
I don't have any real experience with what your situation is, but it seems to me that deadlines and PTSD don't work well together. It's very likely that your spouse is just never going to recover to the point that you are hoping for. In any case I expect we're talking years and years of therapy. And adding deadlines is not going to make it any easier for him. The real deadline is for you. How long can you survive like this? Have you considered asking for permission to open the marriage? Thanks for your comment. I agree it is unlikely my H will ever be able to provide what I actually want. I’m at the phase now where I’m trying to determine what I can live with and what I can’t. I know that if I want to remain in this marriage my standards will need to be extremely low. I don’t know how long I can survive like that. And yes, I did bring up the topic of open marriage. Twice. Once when he and I were talking alone and he told me in no uncertain terms that he has a problem with all touch (both sexual and nonsexual), I said I was unwilling to live a celibate life and broached the topic of opening the marriage so I could get my needs met elsewhere. He shut me down immediately. The second time I brought it up was during couples therapy. Again he said absolutely not, that he had seen his parents marriage go to shit when his dad cheated and that he’d rather we divorce than have that happen. The marriage counselor immediately agreed with him saying it becomes more messy than helpful and I never got to share my thoughts or opinions on it. Honestly I was really pissed off at the therapist for “siding” with him and shutting down the only other option I could see that might possibly work for me barring divorce. That was the last time we went to see that counselor.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 13, 2017 15:55:55 GMT -5
Actually ballofconfusion makes me wonder something. Whose idea is therapy? Who found the doctor? Who called to make the first appointment? Who makes the subsequent appointments (this may be moot if they are scheduled on a regular basis). In her case, it was BOC who was making all the effort in trying to "fix" her husband. Knowing who is doing the (not so heavy) lifting in your situation may provide insight. shamwow : Our therapy history is that over a year ago we were both seeing individual therapists (me for post-partum depression, him for generalized anxiety disorder) and we mutually decided to see a marriage counselor together. I can't remember who made the initial call. We both went together willingly every few weeks for probably 4 months. It was there that he revealed the childhood sexual abuse. He started working a bit more intensely with his own therapist (and he did bring me into one session with them) but a month or two later we moved across the country for his work and all therapy stopped. Nothing changed with us in the sex or intimacy department while we were in counseling together on the East coast or during the next 9 months while on the West coast. During those 9 mos I asked him a couple times whether he was going to continue his own therapy, whether via long distance with the same therapist or get a new one. He was non-committal. When we came back to the East coast at the beginning of this summer I asked him a couple times whether he was going to start up therapy again. It was obvious he didn't want to. I made a bit of a stink about it and told him how difficult this SM is for me and that I need him to work on it if anything's going to get better. He admitted that he knew he was causing the dissolution of our marriage and called himself to make the appt for his individual therapy. I was the one who called to meet with our couples therapist again. (I also found myself a new individual therapist.) Since that point he has continued to see his therapist and also add in an intensive therapy program devoted to trauma at his therapist's urging. I am not involved in any of that and he is continuing with that without my input. We only saw our marriage counselor 2 or 3 times during this summer. It was during the last session with her that we realized we had come to an impasse - that he was unable/unwilling to provide me with what I need and I was unwilling to live a celibate life. The counselor had no suggestions for us. We decided he needed to focus on his own therapy to see what he is/may-one-day-be capable of, and that is what he has been doing. We are not working on our marriage TOGETHER at all. And so obviously, nothing has changed. Analyze at will... EDIT: TL;DR: We were in therapy separately and together more than a year ago, moved and all therapy stopped, then moved back and I had to push him to go back to therapy. Once I made it known how much pain I was in from this SM he made the call to his therapist the very next day. I called the couples counselor again. He is still in individual therapy (and had added in a more intensive form as well) on his own without my urging. We are no longer in therapy together. He is actively working on himself, we are not actively working on our marriage.
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Post by M2G on Nov 14, 2017 6:31:11 GMT -5
..And yes, I did bring up the topic of open marriage. Twice. Once when he and I were talking alone and he told me in no uncertain terms that he has a problem with all touch (both sexual and nonsexual), I said I was unwilling to live a celibate life and broached the topic of opening the marriage so I could get my needs met elsewhere. He shut me down immediately. The second time I brought it up was during couples therapy. Again he said absolutely not, that he had seen his parents marriage go to shit when his dad cheated and that he’d rather we divorce than have that happen. The marriage counselor immediately agreed with him saying it becomes more messy than helpful and I never got to share my thoughts or opinions on it. Honestly I was really pissed off at the therapist for “siding” with him and shutting down the only other option I could see that might possibly work for me barring divorce. That was the last time we went to see that counselor. There is a big difference between cheating and OM. One is about sneaking and lying, the other is (just like it sounds) open. Your H is simply afraid to lose you to someone else who can provide you with what you truly desire and legitimately NEED. The counselor may be wrapped up with issues of his/her own: moral, religious, whatever it may be - and imposing them on you. That, at some point, crosses (IMO) the line between therapy and brainwashing. I face a similar situation - trauma induced aversion to sex. I found out (at last) that the timeline for fixing this, is never. The best I will ever achieve here is best friend and roommate. However my refuser, actively discourages me from seeking professional help - so what kind of friend is that, really? Truth be told: but for financial ruin I would be packing my things right now. Truth be told, with the right person, I would fall madly in bed with no guilt, albeit with a giant albatross of loss - but on the other hand: that sense of loss is already present, and satisfying my needs for sexual and loving companionship will not change that.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 14, 2017 7:41:10 GMT -5
“face a similar situation - trauma induced aversion to sex. I found out (at last) that the timeline for fixing this, is never. The best I will ever achieve here is best friend and roommate. However my refuser, actively discourages me from seeking professional help - so what kind of friend is that, really?”
I hope you will obtain the individual therapy you need to help you heal from having abusive parents and being in an sbusive relationship. Do not tell your spouse your plans to heal. Your spouse is not a friend. Your spouse will do everything possible so you remain a hurt child who clings to her for comfort. Have you read the aharkow iexoeriments with baby monkeys deprived of affection and mothers? They clung to wire monkey dolls because those emotyvimitations of mother’s were all the baby monkeys could turn to got comfort.
You don’t have to turn to your wife who is deliberately cruel to you. You can come here and you can find a therapist — preferably one trained in helping people who have experienced trauma. You can learn to make friends of people who are supportive and kind.
When you were a child, you had to stay with your abusive parents. As a grown man you have better options.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 14, 2017 11:11:39 GMT -5
Actually ballofconfusion makes me wonder something. Whose idea is therapy? Who found the doctor? Who called to make the first appointment? Who makes the subsequent appointments (this may be moot if they are scheduled on a regular basis). In her case, it was BOC who was making all the effort in trying to "fix" her husband. Knowing who is doing the (not so heavy) lifting in your situation may provide insight. shamwow : Our therapy history is that over a year ago we were both seeing individual therapists (me for post-partum depression, him for generalized anxiety disorder) and we mutually decided to see a marriage counselor together. I can't remember who made the initial call. We both went together willingly every few weeks for probably 4 months. It was there that he revealed the childhood sexual abuse. He started working a bit more intensely with his own therapist (and he did bring me into one session with them) but a month or two later we moved across the country for his work and all therapy stopped. Nothing changed with us in the sex or intimacy department while we were in counseling together on the East coast or during the next 9 months while on the West coast. During those 9 mos I asked him a couple times whether he was going to continue his own therapy, whether via long distance with the same therapist or get a new one. He was non-committal. When we came back to the East coast at the beginning of this summer I asked him a couple times whether he was going to start up therapy again. It was obvious he didn't want to. I made a bit of a stink about it and told him how difficult this SM is for me and that I need him to work on it if anything's going to get better. He admitted that he knew he was causing the dissolution of our marriage and called himself to make the appt for his individual therapy. I was the one who called to meet with our couples therapist again. (I also found myself a new individual therapist.) Since that point he has continued to see his therapist and also add in an intensive therapy program devoted to trauma at his therapist's urging. I am not involved in any of that and he is continuing with that without my input. We only saw our marriage counselor 2 or 3 times during this summer. It was during the last session with her that we realized we had come to an impasse - that he was unable/unwilling to provide me with what I need and I was unwilling to live a celibate life. The counselor had no suggestions for us. We decided he needed to focus on his own therapy to see what he is/may-one-day-be capable of, and that is what he has been doing. We are not working on our marriage TOGETHER at all. And so obviously, nothing has changed. Analyze at will... EDIT: TL;DR: We were in therapy separately and together more than a year ago, moved and all therapy stopped, then moved back and I had to push him to go back to therapy. Once I made it known how much pain I was in from this SM he made the call to his therapist the very next day. I called the couples counselor again. He is still in individual therapy (and had added in a more intensive form as well) on his own without my urging. We are no longer in therapy together. He is actively working on himself, we are not actively working on our marriage. There's a lot of moving that goes on due to his career. What about your career, your family, your memories from past locations? Sounds like much of that has been taken from you. Something very common that a controller does in a relationship. They isolate you as much as possible. The fear of you having independence (not being codependent on them). I personally look back on our move 14 yrs ago and how much I personally gave up. I feel tricked into believing that "financially it was the only way". While very naive to the fact that I was leaving behind 26 yrs of what I had built for myself. With our move what duty sex there was ended too. What's going to happen to your FWB when another relocation happens? (to thine own self be true)
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Post by M2G on Nov 14, 2017 11:12:54 GMT -5
..Have you read the aharkow iexoeriments with baby monkeys deprived of affection and mothers? They clung to wire monkey dolls because those emotyvimitations of mother’s were all the baby monkeys could turn to got comfort. Yes, I'm familiar with that - creepy to look at. TY for the kind words of encouragement
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Post by shamwow on Nov 14, 2017 11:59:55 GMT -5
Actually ballofconfusion makes me wonder something. Whose idea is therapy? Who found the doctor? Who called to make the first appointment? Who makes the subsequent appointments (this may be moot if they are scheduled on a regular basis). In her case, it was BOC who was making all the effort in trying to "fix" her husband. Knowing who is doing the (not so heavy) lifting in your situation may provide insight. shamwow : Our therapy history is that over a year ago we were both seeing individual therapists (me for post-partum depression, him for generalized anxiety disorder) and we mutually decided to see a marriage counselor together. I can't remember who made the initial call. We both went together willingly every few weeks for probably 4 months. It was there that he revealed the childhood sexual abuse. He started working a bit more intensely with his own therapist (and he did bring me into one session with them) but a month or two later we moved across the country for his work and all therapy stopped. Nothing changed with us in the sex or intimacy department while we were in counseling together on the East coast or during the next 9 months while on the West coast. During those 9 mos I asked him a couple times whether he was going to continue his own therapy, whether via long distance with the same therapist or get a new one. He was non-committal. When we came back to the East coast at the beginning of this summer I asked him a couple times whether he was going to start up therapy again. It was obvious he didn't want to. I made a bit of a stink about it and told him how difficult this SM is for me and that I need him to work on it if anything's going to get better. He admitted that he knew he was causing the dissolution of our marriage and called himself to make the appt for his individual therapy. I was the one who called to meet with our couples therapist again. (I also found myself a new individual therapist.) Since that point he has continued to see his therapist and also add in an intensive therapy program devoted to trauma at his therapist's urging. I am not involved in any of that and he is continuing with that without my input. We only saw our marriage counselor 2 or 3 times during this summer. It was during the last session with her that we realized we had come to an impasse - that he was unable/unwilling to provide me with what I need and I was unwilling to live a celibate life. The counselor had no suggestions for us. We decided he needed to focus on his own therapy to see what he is/may-one-day-be capable of, and that is what he has been doing. We are not working on our marriage TOGETHER at all. And so obviously, nothing has changed. Analyze at will... EDIT: TL;DR: We were in therapy separately and together more than a year ago, moved and all therapy stopped, then moved back and I had to push him to go back to therapy. Once I made it known how much pain I was in from this SM he made the call to his therapist the very next day. I called the couples counselor again. He is still in individual therapy (and had added in a more intensive form as well) on his own without my urging. We are no longer in therapy together. He is actively working on himself, we are not actively working on our marriage. Sounds like a mixed bag. It sounds as though he sees the plane is going down and is putting the oxygen mask over his own face first, just as people are instructed to. It remains to see whether there is adequate oxygen flowing to the mask to help him or once helped if he has enough to help work on the marriage. It may be enough, or it might just be a bridge too far. This isn't like some of the stories on this forum where people look at the poster and say "run you damn fool...run!". Your situation sounds more like a calculated gamble. I'm not much of a gambler, but on the rare occasions I go to the casino, I always have clearly defined amounts I am willing to lose (and I pretty much always lose it all). Your husband seems to be making an effort at therapy (as evidenced by his willingness to make the effort to go). The gamble seems to come in when the question as to "why" he is doing so is asked. It may be he knows (correctly) that he needs to help himself first before he can work on the marriage. It may be that he is working on himself to work on himself for himself only. It may be that he has no fucking idea WHAT he is trying to do (this is most likely IMHO). The tricky part here is that you aren't gambling money. You are literally gambling your life. If you're right, you have a (slim) possibility that in a few years he may be able to touch and be touched. You will never have the intimate life you want, but you may have some/most of your needs/desires list checked. Only you can decide if that is enough. If you are wrong, you will have wasted some the most vibrant years of your life trying to fix something that never worked right in the first place. It was broken before you bought it. Only you can decide if that cost is worth paying. Don't listen to me, don't listen to anyone else here. Listen to yourself. In the end, you are the one who has to live with it...one way or the other.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 14, 2017 12:05:50 GMT -5
There's a lot of moving that goes on due to his career. What about your career, your family, your memories from past locations? Sounds like much of that has been taken from you. Something very common that a controller does in a relationship. They isolate you as much as possible. The fear of you having independence (not being codependent on them). I personally look back on our move 14 yrs ago and how much I personally gave up. I feel tricked into believing that "financially it was the only way". While very naive to the fact that I was leaving behind 26 yrs of what I had built for myself. With our move what duty sex there was ended too. What's going to happen to your FWB when another relocation happens? (to thine own self be true) greatcoastal He was offered a promotion a little over a year ago that, if we decided he should take it, would come with a cross-country move and a decent amount of business travel. We talked at length about whether or not this was the right move for our family and in the end, decided it was. We knew when he took the position that the move would need to be for at least 2 years but that after this particular initiative was completed we could choose to stay or to move again. So we kept our home on the East Coast and moved together, coming back periodically for holidays etc. since our family is all in the Boston area. We also kept all of our son's doctors and specialists in Boston instead of finding new ones in CA for continuity of care. However, that meant that son and I would have to fly back and forth a decent amount for medical appts and in fact, he and I have been back on the East coast for a much longer time than originally intended due to medical issues. My H has to keep flying back and forth from Boston to CA for work almost every week, plus his additional work travel. So this is why currently, H and I are apart more than 50% of the time and it is virtually impossible to work on our marriage. There is no controlling or intended isolation happening with H. We discussed the pros and cons ahead of time and made the decision together. It has been tougher than either of us bargained for but it is what we agreed to so it is what it is right n ow. I knew going into our marriage that his career would dictate some of our lives together. We talked about it. I knew what I was agreeing to. And doing so allows me to be a stay-at-home-mom with my son, which became even more important when he was born with medical issues. And I am not isolated from family - again, due to his career/$ - we've been able to fly family and friends out periodically to visit when I missed them. We knew him taking this job was not the "only way" financially. It was a good move for his career and our finances but it wasn't necessary. And we discussed that at length. As for your question about another relocation: luckily, he is now in a place career-wise that we would have choices to move if we want or to stay where we are. We approach those major decisions together as partners, really with ME as the deciding vote quite honestly, and I am confident that that will not change. There is no coercion. I think it's possible that he may secretly fear me being TOO independent (i.e. No longer fully dependent on him) particularly because he knows he is incapable of making me happy intimately/sexually, but he does support me in volunteer work, doing things with friends, etc. and has said before that if I choose to go back to work at any point he would support that decision too. I honestly do not feel my situation falls in line with the controlling/codependent situations we often see on here.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 14, 2017 12:17:19 GMT -5
There's a lot of moving that goes on due to his career. What about your career, your family, your memories from past locations? Sounds like much of that has been taken from you. Something very common that a controller does in a relationship. They isolate you as much as possible. The fear of you having independence (not being codependent on them). I personally look back on our move 14 yrs ago and how much I personally gave up. I feel tricked into believing that "financially it was the only way". While very naive to the fact that I was leaving behind 26 yrs of what I had built for myself. With our move what duty sex there was ended too. What's going to happen to your FWB when another relocation happens? (to thine own self be true) greatcoastal He was offered a promotion a little over a year ago that, if we decided he should take it, would come with a cross-country move and a decent amount of business travel. We talked at length about whether or not this was the right move for our family and in the end, decided it was. We knew when he took the position that the move would need to be for at least 2 years but that after this particular initiative was completed we could choose to stay or to move again. So we kept our home on the East Coast and moved together, coming back periodically for holidays etc. since our family is all in the Boston area. We also kept all of our son's doctors and specialists in Boston instead of finding new ones in CA for continuity of care. However, that meant that son and I would have to fly back and forth a decent amount for medical appts and in fact, he and I have been back on the East coast for a much longer time than originally intended due to medical issues. My H has to keep flying back and forth from Boston to CA for work almost every week, plus his additional work travel. So this is why currently, H and I are apart more than 50% of the time and it is virtually impossible to work on our marriage. There is no controlling or intended isolation happening with H. We discussed the pros and cons ahead of time and made the decision together. It has been tougher than either of us bargained for but it is what we agreed to so it is what it is right n ow. I knew going into our marriage that his career would dictate some of our lives together. We talked about it. I knew what I was agreeing to. And doing so allows me to be a stay-at-home-mom with my son, which became even more important when he was born with medical issues. And I am not isolated from family - again, due to his career/$ - we've been able to fly family and friends out periodically to visit when I missed them. We knew him taking this job was not the "only way" financially. It was a good move for his career and our finances but it wasn't necessary. And we discussed that at length. As for your question about another relocation: luckily, he is now in a place career-wise that we would have choices to move if we want or to stay where we are. We approach those major decisions together as partners, really with ME as the deciding vote quite honestly, and I am confident that that will not change. There is no coercion. I think it's possible that he may secretly fear me being TOO independent (i.e. No longer fully dependent on him) particularly because he knows he is incapable of making me happy intimately/sexually, but he does support me in volunteer work, doing things with friends, etc. and has said before that if I choose to go back to work at any point he would support that decision too. I honestly do not feel my situation falls in line with the controlling/codependent situations we often see on here. I love it when you respond to my questions!! They are meant to get you to think about your situation and see things from different perspectives. All meant for your well being! I'm really glad for you that you are not being bullied into things. Personally I did not feel that way either, when we moved 14 yrs ago. It was a joint decision. Things changed with time though. And it didn't take long either. We would not wan't to see you get trapped or feel trapped like some of us have!
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 14, 2017 12:19:51 GMT -5
I love it when you respond to my questions!! They are meant to get you to think about your situation and see things from different perspectives. All meant for your well being! I'm really glad for you that you are not being bullied into things. Personally I did not feel that way either. It was a joint decision. Things changed with time though. And it didn't take long either. We would not wan't to see you get trapped or feel trapped like some of us have! Haha, testing me, eh? ;-)
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 14, 2017 13:08:36 GMT -5
EDIT: TL;DR: We were in therapy separately and together more than a year ago, moved and all therapy stopped, then moved back and I had to push him to go back to therapy. Once I made it known how much pain I was in from this SM he made the call to his therapist the very next day. I called the couples counselor again. He is still in individual therapy (and had added in a more intensive form as well) on his own without my urging. We are no longer in therapy together. He is actively working on himself, we are not actively working on our marriage. Sounds like a mixed bag. It sounds as though he sees the plane is going down and is putting the oxygen mask over his own face first, just as people are instructed to. It remains to see whether there is adequate oxygen flowing to the mask to help him or once helped if he has enough to help work on the marriage. It may be enough, or it might just be a bridge too far. This isn't like some of the stories on this forum where people look at the poster and say "run you damn fool...run!". Your situation sounds more like a calculated gamble. I'm not much of a gambler, but on the rare occasions I go to the casino, I always have clearly defined amounts I am willing to lose (and I pretty much always lose it all). Your husband seems to be making an effort at therapy (as evidenced by his willingness to make the effort to go). The gamble seems to come in when the question as to "why" he is doing so is asked. It may be he knows (correctly) that he needs to help himself first before he can work on the marriage. It may be that he is working on himself to work on himself for himself only. It may be that he has no fucking idea WHAT he is trying to do (this is most likely IMHO). The tricky part here is that you aren't gambling money. You are literally gambling your life. If you're right, you have a (slim) possibility that in a few years he may be able to touch and be touched. You will never have the intimate life you want, but you may have some/most of your needs/desires list checked. Only you can decide if that is enough. If you are wrong, you will have wasted some the most vibrant years of your life trying to fix something that never worked right in the first place. It was broken before you bought it. Only you can decide if that cost is worth paying. Don't listen to me, don't listen to anyone else here. Listen to yourself. In the end, you are the one who has to live with it...one way or the other. Thanks shamwow that is very helpful. Regarding your question as to why H is going to therapy; I think it's for a multitude of reasons. He needs help in many more ways than just intimately and sexually. And I care about him and his well being so I want him to get help in all the ways he needs. I agree he is putting his own oxygen mask on first and that is how it should be. Before I made him realize how detrimental this SM was to me, his form of oxygen mask was avoidance of therapy/his problems. In a way he put ME first by agreeing to go back. Now that he's getting help I think it is only right that he is putting himself first. And I am also putting myself first in other ways (being on here, outsourcing). The question of WHY and what he is trying to do in therapy reminded me of the below comment I made on this previous post: www.iliasm.org/thread/3351/dry-spell-broken?page=3"I am not asking him to go back to therapy simply "in order to have a chance of giving [me] the marriage I want", I am asking him so that we can both have a chance of having the kind of marriage we want. But more importantly, so it can help him in general. I haven't gotten into it here since this site is about SM but his issues go much deeper than just sex; as a result of his trauma he has generalized anxiety disorder. There are times he has been paralyzed due to a situation (not involving me) and only therapy has helped him break out of that and learn how to move forward in a healthy way. He has an overarching need to be in control in all situations and to solve every potential problem before it becomes a problem. He has told me how exhausting this is for him and how much he hates it and wishes he knew how to change. Only therapy could help that. He keeps everyone in his life at arms-length and is never emotionally vulnerable. Even with me it is rare. He has told me how sad he is that he sabotages himself with his closest relationships in this way.
I do not see it as cruel to suggest he go back to therapy. I see it as cruel NOT to support him in it. I know that it is what is best for him and he does too. He's just afraid to do it and for that I do not blame him.
But yes, I of course hope that through therapy he can also start to learn ways to like giving and receiving touch and intimacy and sex. For me to be happy in my marriage I need things to improve. I do not feel that makes me a cruel person. I am not demanding that he learn how to become a "skilled, passionate lover for [me]". What I am asking is for him to confront our issues and acknowledge that they stem from his past, explore healthy ways to cope and to grow, and to work with me on connecting intimately and sexually. If he legitimately tries and is unable to do that then we will need to have other conversations and explore options such as an open marriage, AP, or possibly divorce. But for now, I want to try what is best for him and for us in order to see if things can improve. I do not think it is unrealistic or callous of me."
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