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Post by baza on Nov 6, 2017 17:58:14 GMT -5
Last time out Brother ironhamster , there was a suggestion of your missus making certain monies "disappear". Did you ever get to the bottom of that, and plug the leak ? If you are running a 4 year exit strategy as of now, she might be able to make quite a lot more money vanish over another 48 months. There's also a risk that as this tanks, she catches a clue and acts pre-emptively if it turns out to be in her best interests to do so. Might be smart to develop two (2) plans. #1 - on your 4 year scenario #2 - on a far far shorter timeframe.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 6, 2017 21:11:23 GMT -5
The leak is plugged. I am ahead of the game with financial preparations, but woefully behind in legal. That is fine for the four year plan, but not if she makes a preemptive move.
My expectation is that she will not see changing the time table to be in her best interests. That could be naive on my part.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 6, 2017 21:21:53 GMT -5
ironhamster asking for you and for me as well. How do you see yourself being able to continue playing your role? I find the more the truth is clear to me the harder it is to play a part. You seem like such a genuine person. Are you sure there is no way to be honest with your kids? I have a thought of living together, being honest with the kids that we are separated but staying together for now, and working on being friends and co-parents. Whatever happens we will be in each other's life forever because of our kids. I want that to be a good relationship no matter what. I just feel like I want to be able to approach all aspects of my life authentically after so many years of playing happily married. The facade is really rough for me. Is it for you?
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Post by tirefire on Nov 6, 2017 22:44:42 GMT -5
ironhamster asking for you and for me as well. How do you see yourself being able to continue playing your role? I find the more the truth is clear to me the harder it is to play a part. You seem like such a genuine person. Are you sure there is no way to be honest with your kids? I have a thought of living together, being honest with the kids that we are separated but staying together for now, and working on being friends and co-parents. Whatever happens we will be in each other's life forever because of our kids. I want that to be a good relationship no matter what. I just feel like I want to be able to approach all aspects of my life authentically after so many years of playing happily married. The facade is really rough for me. Is it for you? workingonit, I love your attitude. Thinking of the long game, how do you want to relate to the ex in 20 years at a family function with your kids. I wish all spouses could be so mature.
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Post by tirefire on Nov 6, 2017 22:47:49 GMT -5
ironhamster, this feels like it would be as scary as going to the lawyer which for me was very hard to do. Heart pounding as I made the call, etc. You must have had related feelings as this seems like one of those markers you'll look back on. Sorry to hear you had a bad day that way. Take care.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 7, 2017 0:01:19 GMT -5
ironhamster asking for you and for me as well. How do you see yourself being able to continue playing your role? I find the more the truth is clear to me the harder it is to play a part. You seem like such a genuine person. Are you sure there is no way to be honest with your kids? I have a thought of living together, being honest with the kids that we are separated but staying together for now, and working on being friends and co-parents. Whatever happens we will be in each other's life forever because of our kids. I want that to be a good relationship no matter what. I just feel like I want to be able to approach all aspects of my life authentically after so many years of playing happily married. The facade is really rough for me. Is it for you? The facade is rough to maintain, but it gets easier almost every day. My hardest time was roughly at the point where I found this forum. I had just come to the realization that I had been deceived, and was very frustrated with my situation. I just about blew up the whole marriage with a Tinder hookup that went bad. I was in a state of mind where, if it had happened, I would have rubbed it in her face, I was so mad. I am glad that did not happen. Like you said, because of the kids we are going to be in each others lives forever. We don't need me being a complete jackass on top of every other challenge. I would like to be honest with my wife as well as my kids. My oldest knows things are not right between us, and I have talked about marital problems in general but nothing specific. My youngest has her suspicions. In either case, whatever I say will get back to my wife. This will matter less and less as we accept the fatal flaws in our relationship. So, how do I play my roll? I remain civil. I hug my wife. I hug my kids. I accept my role as provider. I talk with my wife about budgets and expenses, which, in light of recent events is not always pleasant. We homeschool, and my wife handles all of the education details. That has worked very well for my oldest, and I want my youngest to have that same advantage. I hope we can hold this together, especially in light of the fact that my wife now knows our marriage has an expiration date.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 7, 2017 0:10:12 GMT -5
I hear you loud and clear on the staying for the kids. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Given her enthusiastic efforts in the bedroom and the lead up of getting wasted i do not blame you for one bit on losing interest in the act. Stay Strong Brother Ironhamster.
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Post by james on Nov 7, 2017 6:37:00 GMT -5
Ironhamster, this is gut-wrenching to read and I so feel for you, bro. Actually and weirdly, I also feel for your wife. Just taking it from her perspective for a minute, how bad must the prospect of sex be for her that she has to numb herself with alcohol before she can do it? Could we all take a moment to reflect on that? Refusers on this forum (we don't hear from them directly, I know) often seem to prefer divorce to sex with their partners. Again, how bad must it be for them? Probably at least as bad as living in a sexless marriage is for us, I would guess. Surely there has to come a point of acceptance where both partners stop trying to force something to work when it clearly can't. Shouldn't there just be acceptance and a focus on working together amicably on those aspects of the relationship that actually can deliver whilst an attempt is made to figure out what to do in the long-term, as others have said. I wholeheartedly agree with this approach. Also, ironhamster- is sex a part of the LDR that you talk about? Does your wife know this if it is? God knows I wouldn't judge you if it was, but could this blow up for you?
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2017 7:57:23 GMT -5
“Just taking it from her perspective for a minute, how bad must the prospect of sex be for her that she has to numb herself with alcohol before she can do it? Could we all take a moment to reflect on that?”
A good point and an important one. I could have been the refuser in that kind of marriage. I had a boyfriend once who deeply loved him. In fact I am probably the love of his life. He was nice looking, well liked, a good job, treated me wonderfully but I had no sexual desire for him. I would get drunk or high to allow him to fuck me.
So I can imagine what ironhamster’s wife has been going through. Ironhamster probably is a great person, good provider, wonderful father and had been a devoted boyfriend and husband. But she can’t stand the touch of him when it comes to sexual intimacy. She loves her kids and wants to homeschool and raise them in s nuclear family. She tried to pay the price her husband is demanding but she can’t force her body to feel passion for him. The only way she can endure his sexualtouch is to get drunk.
Since they both love their kids and want the best for them, would it be possible for them to admit their fundamental incompatibility whenit comes to sex and then agree to stay in an affable nonsexual marriage until the kids grow up?
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I'm done.
Nov 7, 2017 11:01:18 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ironhamster on Nov 7, 2017 11:01:18 GMT -5
james, it could very well blow up. At this point, I suspect there has been enough foreshadowing that there will be little shock, along with the knowledge that the perks of the marriage are still hers. northstarmom, I am pessimistic but still hopeful we can reach that sort of a compromise. At this point, I don't care what she does as long as we don't play in each other's bubbles. Most of our friends would not be understanding of an open marriage.
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I'm done.
Nov 7, 2017 12:11:15 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2017 12:11:15 GMT -5
I didn’t suggest an open marriage. I suggested that since you are so incompatible sexually but probably both are staying together for the sake of the kids, what if you and your wife sat down, agreed to a sexless marriage for x amount of years until you feel it wouldn’t harm the kids if you divorced? You’d live consciously as considerate roommates and supportive coparents.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 7, 2017 17:20:01 GMT -5
It would be good. At this point, I think we are both comfortable with taking sex off the table as far as ever trying it together, again. I can't live a celibate life, though, and she should have the same rights and privileges.
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Post by baza on Nov 7, 2017 17:39:32 GMT -5
If you are choosing to stay for the moment Brother ironhamster, here's some suggestions for you. Sex, is - obviously - out of the picture. So you need to cease and desist from any form of trying to beg, cajole, reason, force or manipulate your spouse sexually. And you need to do this in good humour, not resentfully. You need to stop complaining about your spouses behaviour. You need to cease chasing your spouses' "why". You need to completely and willingly let it go. Sex is NOT going to be a part of this relationship. Get the pressure off your spouse - and yourself - by taking this aspect of the relationship right off the agenda. This relationship is incapable of delivering sex. RECOGNISE the REALITY of what the relationship is NOT capable of delivering And conduct yourself accordingly. Now, without any sexual pressure on the relationship, the relationship can be based on what it IS capable of delivering. If indeed "everything is great bar the sex", the relationship is capable of delivering all sorts of things (other than sex) of value. For example, financial stability, co-parenting, social standing, companionship and other things of value. Meantime, it would be advisable to have the usual things in place (legal advice, exit strategy et al) so you don't get blindsided short term.
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I'm done.
Nov 7, 2017 18:12:11 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by M2G on Nov 7, 2017 18:12:11 GMT -5
It would be good. At this point, I think we are both comfortable with taking sex off the table as far as ever trying it together, again. I can't live a celibate life, though, and she should have the same rights and privileges. Be sure you can handle it. Way back then our marriage was somewhat open. We’d jump in bed after and tell each other about it. Now, when we’re not fucking each other anymore, I must say that I’m not sure I could handle knowing she’s out fucking another guy but won’t fuck me. In fact I’m almost certain that would bring me to boil. Not that it should be just me outsourcing, with her restricted, that would be total hypocrisy. Has to be an equal thing, IMO, or not at all. If the refuser is refusing period, just wants sex to be a total “never again with anyone” it could still be a huge ball of stress for all involved.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 7, 2017 18:15:42 GMT -5
When I first came here, I was one of the many that believed everything was great, bar the sex. Mine is not. Most people's are not, but the most painful problem is hard to look past.
If we can get to this agreement, the next four years will be much less stressful and perhaps even enjoyable.
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