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Post by ironhamster on Nov 7, 2017 18:24:35 GMT -5
It would be good. At this point, I think we are both comfortable with taking sex off the table as far as ever trying it together, again. I can't live a celibate life, though, and she should have the same rights and privileges. Be sure you can handle it. Way back then our marriage was somewhat open. We’d jump in bed after and tell each other about it. Now, when we’re not fucking each other anymore, I must say that I’m not sure I could handle knowing she’s out fucking another guy but won’t fuck me. In fact I’m almost certain that would bring me to boil. Not that it should be just me outsourcing, with her restricted, that would be total hypocrisy. Has to be an equal thing, IMO, or not at all. If the refuser is refusing period, just wants sex to be a total “never again with anyone” it could still be a huge ball of stress for all involved. I think I am officially past the point of wanting her, sexually. Who knows if I will still be thinking that next month. We have a lot of similarities, M2G, but one thing that is different in my case is that the sexual connection was never there. Never. I think, despite the years of frustration, I can transition pretty smoothly from a spousal to a sibling type of relationship. I'm ready to bury the dead.
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Post by baza on Nov 7, 2017 19:07:20 GMT -5
When I first came here, I was one of the many that believed everything was great, bar the sex. Mine is not. Most people's are not, but the most painful problem is hard to look past. If we can get to this agreement, the next four years will be much less stressful and perhaps even enjoyable. A couple of posts back Brother @ironhamsrer, I made a few suggestions. They were predicated on your deal genuinely being "great, bar the sex". If - as it now seems - this is NOT the case, you can probably scrub those suggestions. If there are other areas of dis-satisfaction, then you'd need to let them go too (just like the sex) and before you know it, you'll have "let go" so many things you'll hardly recognise yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2017 0:17:48 GMT -5
but I've only seen one example of someone who set a multi-year timeline actually have the strength of character to truly pull it off (looking at you @elle ). I sure as hell didn't have that strength once the fur started flying. Most of the time, the wall collapses faster than you can imagine, particularly when it is no longer simply a construct in your own head. This shoutout warmed my heart on a night when I badly needed it, shamwow. Thank you. You give me too much credit. I struggle. More often than not. I am not sure if I can even recommend the long range plan. I’ll have to report back in a year and let you all know. The flavor of today’s struggle was the deep sadness of once again, not being listened to by my refuser, barely being spoken to, and retiring at bedtime to a couch, alone, in the coldest room in the house knowing I’ll wake up freezing several times throughout the night. If I’m honest, it’s humiliating. 8.5 more months. And yes, I admit to crying before going to sleep many nights. The long road is not the easy road. I’ll get through this. Just watch me. God has my back.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 10, 2017 4:13:16 GMT -5
All great bar the sex... if you're on this forum, then this is almost certainly NOT YOU. My sexless marriage affair partner - he had a marriage that was all great bar the sex. The way he talked about his wife and their life together... well, it did sound really good. I could tell by the way he talked about her that they had a deep and abiding love and above all a PARTNERSHIP. The only time he ever complained about her to me... well, he barely ever did, because in that sense he was loyal. But when he did, they were all pretty close to neutral and I often found myself saying "I can see why you have a bit of a problem with this, but on this occasion, I think I agree with your wife."
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Post by shamwow on Nov 10, 2017 9:47:50 GMT -5
but I've only seen one example of someone who set a multi-year timeline actually have the strength of character to truly pull it off (looking at you @elle ). I sure as hell didn't have that strength once the fur started flying. Most of the time, the wall collapses faster than you can imagine, particularly when it is no longer simply a construct in your own head. This shoutout warmed my heart on a night when I badly needed it, shamwow . Thank you. You give me too much credit. I struggle. More often than not. I am not sure if I can even recommend the long range plan. I’ll have to report back in a year and let you all know. The flavor of today’s struggle was the deep sadness of once again, not being listened to by my refuser, barely being spoken to, and retiring at bedtime to a couch, alone, in the coldest room in the house knowing I’ll wake up freezing several times throughout the night. If I’m honest, it’s humiliating. 8.5 more months. And yes, I admit to crying before going to sleep many nights. The long road is not the easy road. I’ll get through this. Just watch me. God has my back. I'm glad that the shout-out came at a good time. But I really am super-impressed at how well you've stuck to the path you mapped. It may be tough and lonely, but in the end you'll have the tools needed to support yourself doing something that you love and helping others in the process. You will also know you gave your marriage everything you had. I've run 15 or so marathons, and the feeling of exhaustion, elation, and satisfaction of crossing the finish line is like none other. Your finish line gets closer every day. Your plan is not just sound, but it is good. I know you have the strength to carry it through. When you feel weak, pray and reach out to your support network. Exercise, eat right, and take care of yourself. You got this. Chin up, little sister.
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Post by csl on Nov 10, 2017 13:09:28 GMT -5
The flavor of today’s struggle was the deep sadness of once again, not being listened to by my refuser, barely being spoken to, and retiring at bedtime to a couch, alone, in the coldest room in the house knowing I’ll wake up freezing several times throughout the night. If I’m honest, it’s humiliating. Okay, completely unrelated to your marriage--why are you waking up freezing several times a night? Treat yourself to some heat! My wife and I have completely different body temps, and a couple of years ago, I bought her one of these: Microplush Heated Blanket.She loves it, and wears it out in the winter. Get yourself one of these and sleep toasty warm through the night. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
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I'm done.
Nov 10, 2017 15:06:48 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Nov 10, 2017 15:06:48 GMT -5
“Okay, completely unrelated to your marriage--why are you waking up freezing several times a night? Treat yourself to some heat! “
It’s very related to his marriage. He has a high tolerance for enduring misery instead of taking actions under his control to feel better. There are many things that could be done to prevent his waking up several times a night due to a too cold room....
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Post by csl on Nov 10, 2017 17:19:59 GMT -5
1. It’s her, not him, that is waking up freezing.
2. My comment was about taking control of something that can be controlled, freezing vs. being warm. I am looking forward to you explaining why heat or the lack thereof is dependent upon a happy marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2017 18:55:58 GMT -5
Okay, completely unrelated to your marriage--why are you waking up freezing several times a night? Treat yourself to some heat! My wife and I have completely different body temps, and a couple of years ago, I bought her one of these: Microplush Heated Blanket.She loves it, and wears it out in the winter. Get yourself one of these and sleep toasty warm through the night. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. That’s exactly what I need! Thank you csl!
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I'm done.
Nov 10, 2017 19:39:55 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Nov 10, 2017 19:39:55 GMT -5
“My comment was about taking control of something that can be controlled, freezing vs. being warm. I am looking forward to you explaining why heat or the lack thereof is dependent upon a happy marriage.”
She didn’t have to suffer by waking up every night freezing in the coldest room of the house. She could have gotten the windows insulated, the furnace balanced, slept in long Johns, gotten a warmer blanket, made her husband sleep in that room instead of her. She had more choices including some very much under her control. Instead, she resentfully suffered.
In sexless marriages, most of the refused resentfully suffer instead of doing the things under their control that could improve things. Those things under their control include outsourcing or divorce. Speaking as one who resentfully suffered for years before finally taking my life into my hands and divorcing.
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Post by csl on Nov 10, 2017 21:11:03 GMT -5
“My comment was about taking control of something that can be controlled, freezing vs. being warm. I am looking forward to you explaining why heat or the lack thereof is dependent upon a happy marriage.” She didn’t have to suffer by waking up every night freezing in the coldest room of the house. She could have gotten the windows insulated, the furnace balanced, slept in long Johns, gotten a warmer blanket, made her husband sleep in that room instead of her. She had more choices including some very much under her control. Instead, she resentfully suffered. In sexless marriages, most of the refused resentfully suffer instead of doing the things under their control that could improve things. Those things under their control include outsourcing or divorce. Speaking as one who resentfully suffered for years before finally taking my life into my hands and divorcing. You make my point. Thank you. She (not he) is capable of "taking control of something that can be controlled,..." I presented an easy, affordable, and even decadent (microplush!) option. With this post, you present others. Elle can make her choice of the options.
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Post by csl on Nov 10, 2017 21:15:04 GMT -5
That’s exactly what I need! Thank you csl ! You are welcome, elle. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best.
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