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Post by ironhamster on Nov 6, 2017 9:12:45 GMT -5
It turns out, my wife made one more attempt at intimacy. I failed.
Earlier this year, I put a LOT of pressure on her to have sex, succeeded a bit, but gave up, because the connection that should have been there just wasn't. I was fine being done, but when she noticed I had gone from asking a lot to not asking at all, she started asking what was going on. Telling her I was done trying was honest, but it has had the side effect of motivating her.
She texted me Saturday night, as I was on my way home, to let me know she was staying up for me. When I got home, she was drunk, which is a huge turnoff for me because I know she is using it to numb herself. We ended up in her bed. She neither wanted nor wanted to give foreplay. We went straight to PIV, and her starfish position was so low into the mattress that I was compelled to pull her legs up to my shoulders. She protested about that being uncomfortable, and that is where I went limp. I rolled over and told her she had twenty-four years to have a sex life with me, but it was over and is never going to be, then the fight started.
I guess I am an involuntary counter-refuser. I am rock hard taking care of myself, thinking about a partner that actually wants me, but not with my W. I'm done.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 6, 2017 9:31:39 GMT -5
Being done with having sex with your wife is a good decision. You are incompatible. Having sex with you repulses her. Having sex with her repulsed you.You could choose to be straightforward with her and tell her that due to sexual incompatibility, sex with her is no longer an option.
Don’t engage in an argument or discussion. Don’t blame. Just state the fact that the two of you are incompatible sexually. Then move on. How you move on — permanent celibacy until death do you part: outsourcing; divorce, is up to you. At least some is up to you. She could choose divorce whether or not you desire that.
And to those who think your wife didn’t try hard enough: no one can make themselves sexually desire a person whom they are not attracted to sexually. At best, they may grit their teeth and submit or they may fantasize about someone else while having sex with the person who turns them off. But they can not provide mutually satisfying loving, passionate sex. The refused can not beg, explain, threaten, seduce or bribe their refusers into sexually desiring them and providing loving, passionate sex.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 6, 2017 9:41:48 GMT -5
I do need to stop blaming. We have a lot of incompatibility issues. I have felt comfortable blaming her, I suppose as repayment for two decades of DARVO, but it is not productive. I need to move on and focus on what is important, maintaining the appearance of a happy home until the kids are raised.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 6, 2017 9:56:00 GMT -5
It turns out, my wife made one more attempt at intimacy. I failed. Earlier this year, I put a LOT of pressure on her to have sex, succeeded a bit, but gave up, because the connection that should have been there just wasn't. I was fine being done, but when she noticed I had gone from asking a lot to not asking at all, she started asking what was going on. Telling her I was done trying was honest, but it has had the side effect of motivating her. She texted me Saturday night, as I was on my way home, to let me know she was staying up for me. When I got home, she was drunk, which is a huge turnoff for me because I know she is using it to numb herself. We ended up in her bed. She neither wanted nor wanted to give foreplay. We went straight to PIV, and her starfish position was so low into the mattress that I was compelled to pull her legs up to my shoulders. She protested about that being uncomfortable, and that is where I went limp. I rolled over and told her she had twenty-four years to have a sex life with me, but it was over and is never going to be, then the fight started. I guess I am an involuntary counter-refuser. I am rock hard taking care of myself, thinking about a partner that actually wants me, but not with my W. I'm done. I'm truly sorry, brother. As I read your post, I had a strange deja vu (sadness) come over me. Of course, the fight didn't resolve anything since the root problem isn't something that can be discussed, reasoned, or argued about. She doesn't want you. You don't want her. It isn't going to get better, but certainly can get worse. It seems like any plans you make at this point need to take all three of these factors into consideration.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 6, 2017 10:21:58 GMT -5
I do need to stop blaming. We have a lot of incompatibility issues. I have felt comfortable blaming her, I suppose as repayment for two decades of DARVO, but it is not productive. I need to move on and focus on what is important, maintaining the appearance of a happy home until the kids are raised. How many years (hopefully not measured in fractions of a decade) do you have remaining on that plan? When my ex and I got to the point you and your wife are at my number of years (only in my head - not yet announced to her) was 6. Within a year, I had downgraded that to 3 to get just my oldest daughter graduated. Within another year, I announced and it was then 18 months. As soon as the announcement was made to her? Well, 18 months became pretty much unbearable. See, at this point, I could see 20 years of DARVO and manipulation and was done with it. As soon as you stop cooperating (read obeying), things collapse pretty damn quick. Within 7 months of announcing our divorce, the deed was done. To summarize: 2015 -> I could make it 6 years - Things were bad but I was willing to martyr myself for the kids. 2016 -> I could make it 3 years - That will get my daughter graduated from high school but at this point, the couple years without sex was driving me crazy. And I'd decided not to outsource. I was not going to become the "bad guy". And let's face it, the cheater is always the bad guy when they get caught...and I'd get caught. 2017 (January) -> Announced divorce, said I would stay 18 months to get her on her feet financially. We tentatively agreed on that time frame. 2017 (March) -> No attempts to get a job and no expected effort on the horizon. DARVO in full swing. However, those Jedi mind tricks were less and less effective on me. I let her know that I wanted out during the current summer since it was the best time to sell the house. She was pissed, but really had no choice. 2017 (July 12) -> Divorce finalized on our 20th anniversary. We were both ready to have the thing just done with and move on. The point is that while the current exit decision is in your head, you can make whatever plans you'd like. It is like a rock wall in place. The moment you make the decision you're done? That rock wall begins an erosion process. When you tell her it's done and you want a divorce - for real? Well, you are no longer soley in control of that wall. It can erode much faster than you believe possible once you guys are no longer in it "for the long haul". I tried (and succeeded) to keep it amicable and there were still sessions of us angry beyond words at each other. This will be even more pronounced once she realizes that her DARVO tricks don't work on you and subtlety goes out the window. You will see a side of her that is ugly, and she will see the same from you whether you like it or not. Perhaps baza can chime in here, but I've only seen one example of someone who set a multi-year timeline actually have the strength of character to truly pull it off (looking at you @elle ). I sure as hell didn't have that strength once the fur started flying. Most of the time, the wall collapses faster than you can imagine, particularly when it is no longer simply a construct in your own head.
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I'm done.
Nov 6, 2017 10:44:57 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ironhamster on Nov 6, 2017 10:44:57 GMT -5
Four years, shamwow. Four years, with a LDR already in the works.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 6, 2017 10:46:51 GMT -5
Four years, shamwow . Four years, with a LDR already in the works. LDR? And if you can make it four years, brother, you will be a far better and stronger man than I (no high bar there, though).
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 6, 2017 10:47:04 GMT -5
Sorry but not surprised at the news. Like a substantial % of folks here(including me)you have tried to bend yourself in what ever shape will hopefully keep things going a bit longer. You know, until the miracle happens where love, intimacy and happiness returns to the relationship. "Deal breaker status" is a tough slot when one arrives there. But so often it is the point where real change and forward movement can start to occur for both of you. I agree with shamwow that the timeline you have set is probably unsustainable, but maybe not. One thing that might be sustainable is to make the time remaining a amiable between you as possible. That could make the divorce and future relations much better for the both of you. And as for maintaining the appearance of a happy home. I'm guessing that is for the kids. If it's for your families or friends I don't recommend it.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 6, 2017 10:56:04 GMT -5
One thing that might be sustainable is to make the time remaining a amiable between you as possible. That could make the divorce and future relations much better for the both of you. ^^^^^^^^^^^^ I agree with this 100% ^^^^^^^^^^^^ With one caveat...She also has to be willing to be amicable. Look at my story and compare it to greatcoastal. Both of us initially tried to keep things amicable. I had a decent partner for this. He did not. If you do not have a decent partner, then keep your plans to yourself as long as possible. I'd also advise against cheating to pass the time. If you get caught, you can tear up your 4 year timeline and expect to be crucified in the eyes of many. Our society views the "forsaking all others" vow far higher than the "have and hold" one.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 6, 2017 11:03:07 GMT -5
LDR - long distance relationship, with a woman in parallel circumstances.
Yes, it is for the kids. We are both committed to making sure they have the best resources available for their academic and future professional growth.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 6, 2017 11:31:32 GMT -5
ironhamster reading this made me sad. But at the same time your clarity and ability to communicate clearly is an inspiration. Sorry that had to happen to you. I totally get staying for the kids. My hope would be to remain friends as you will parent together for the rest of your lives.
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Post by M2G on Nov 6, 2017 11:53:49 GMT -5
Sorry to hear that ironhamster, but glad you are moving toward a remedy. I sat here reading your post feeling like I was looking through a magic mirror into my own future. Only difference I see from where I sit now is that my W never asked me / didn't notice, when I stopped bothering with any advances.
Luckily I don't have any "appearances" to maintain or kids to think about - all I really need to do is get the house in good shape for selling. That's going to take some doing. Not planning to make any announcements though - just going to get it done. I don't need the added stress of fighting.
..But today, I'm sitting at a beach resort in Fort Lauderdale - and I plan to get some serious "relaxation" after work chores are finished.
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I'm done.
Nov 6, 2017 13:49:08 GMT -5
h likes this
Post by shamwow on Nov 6, 2017 13:49:08 GMT -5
LDR - long distance relationship, with a woman in parallel circumstances. Yes, it is for the kids. We are both committed to making sure they have the best resources available for their academic and future professional growth. OMG...I of all people should know what a LDR is LOL. Flying out to see ballofconfusion for our 8th weekend on Friday. I'm secretly hoping your LDR is someone on the forum. I love to see those types of romances flower here and there.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 6, 2017 14:27:31 GMT -5
LDR - long distance relationship, with a woman in parallel circumstances. Yes, it is for the kids. We are both committed to making sure they have the best resources available for their academic and future professional growth. OMG...I of all people should know what a LDR is LOL. Flying out to see ballofconfusion for our 8th weekend on Friday. I'm secretly hoping your LDR is someone on the forum. I love to see those types of romances flower here and there. Dittos, on seeing these romances develop. It started out with an expression of frustration from her about her situation, and developed into a mutual infatuation over many weeks. We have no agreement other than to be honest, but we've both stopped pursuing others. No, she is not on this forum, but she would fit in here. I have no idea how this can possibly work out, but so far we are a blessing to each other.
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Post by M2G on Nov 6, 2017 14:46:23 GMT -5
Dittos, on seeing these romances develop. It started out with an expression of frustration from her about her situation, and developed into a mutual infatuation over many weeks. We have no agreement other than to be honest, but we've both stopped pursuing others. No, she is not on this forum, but she would fit in here. I have no idea how this can possibly work out, but so far we are a blessing to each other. Awesome and good for you, you deserve someone you can relate to, and is attracted to you.
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