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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 16, 2018 22:12:43 GMT -5
"Don't waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all"
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Post by flounder on Mar 17, 2018 14:07:35 GMT -5
FML. I feel like I am invisible. The struggle is real kids.
-daddeeo
I’m there man. Know all about it.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 19, 2018 21:46:39 GMT -5
More DARVO tonight...and she drags the kids into this. But its clear that she now realizes the kids see her as the bad apple and she wants to provoke a response from me in front of the kids so she is not always the "bad one"
She is really angry with me for the things I say. But she doesnt pay attention to why I say them. Instead, she focuses on being the victim. She doesnt understand or I have not been clear that I'm beyond frustrated.
The hardest is trying to keep it all together through this. There are more times than I care to admit where I just want to say the fuck with it and leave. But I can not do that to my kids. They would really feel abandoned by me. It sounds cliche and I know that they would understand when they are older. But I cannot in good conscience put them through that shit, the feeling of abandonment. Instead, I suffer knowing that I put them through another hell altogether. One where they see and feel the toxicity in the relationship but dont have the maturity to understand why its happening.
Sorry for the mumbo jumbo. Its just that I really dont have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I dont feel comfortable spewing like this to anyone I know.
And so once again, thanks ILIASM for lending an ear.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 19, 2018 23:40:40 GMT -5
TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo I feel for you. Clearly you feel trapped, which is kind of how I feel, and it's a horrible feeling. Are you getting individual therapy? It might help you survive emotionally until you figure out a permanent solution.
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Post by baza on Mar 20, 2018 1:12:18 GMT -5
I've mentioned before Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo that the continuation of the marriage is NOT solely at your discretion. And given the events you described in your 14 August 2017 post, it seemed highly likely that your missus - just like you - was considering her position. And whatever else she may be, she does not come across as being dumb. It would appear that your legal advice / exit strategy etc work has not been advanced at this time (?) leaving you susceptible to getting blind sided if your missus does the logical thing and start getting her own legal advice etc. and finds that divorcing would be to her advantage. That would be a truly rotten situation to fall into. Scrambling around under all sorts of pressure trying to get the necessary advice and plan together at a time and place not of your choosing. At the risk of wearing out my welcome, can I again mount the case for you to get your legal advice, develop your exit strategy into do-able shape, shore up your support network, research everything you can on helping kids transition through such an event ? You might well choose not to enact a divorce. But with those things in your pocket you could not be blind sided if you missus got it into her head to go that way.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 22, 2018 13:21:41 GMT -5
More revelations are coming to light. Some truths are hard to bare but at least hearing them provide some validation that I am not crazy.
We are getting closer to the point of no return from a divorce perspective. Its probably me thats in denial. But more realistically, I just think she wants me to do the heavy lifting to move the divorce forward. The reasons dont matter.
Im going away with my son for 12 days for a trip planned well in advance. So it will bring some calm via temporary zipcode therapy. But its clear when I get back that the priority is putting the exit plan together. Probably going to happen sooner than what I would have thought. Im feeling a bit of anxiety and fear of the unkown.
There is a lot of DARVO going on. I keep thinking back to some of Baza's advice...
-Pay attention to the action not their words -The why's may bring some clarity/closure, but it will not change the facts of the situation
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 22, 2018 16:21:41 GMT -5
More revelations are coming to light. Some truths are hard to bare but at least hearing them provide some validation that I am not crazy. We are getting closer to the point of no return from a divorce perspective. Its probably me thats in denial. But more realistically, I just think she wants me to do the heavy lifting to move the divorce forward. The reasons dont matter. Im going away with my son for 12 days for a trip planned well in advance. So it will bring some calm via temporary zipcode therapy. But its clear when I get back that the priority is putting the exit plan together. Probably going to happen sooner than what I would have thought. Im feeling a bit of anxiety and fear of the unkown. There is a lot of DARVO going on. I keep thinking back to some of Baza's advice... -Pay attention to the action not their words -The why's may bring some clarity/closure, but it will not change the facts of the situation It's good that you are aware of the situation. It is scary but there is life after divorce. At this point I would say - enjoy your time with your son and the vacation. Zip code therapy will be good!!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 18:43:41 GMT -5
I keep thinking back to some of Baza's advice... -Pay attention to the action not their words -The why's may bring some clarity/closure, but it will not change the facts of the situation This is so interesting to me because my H has always told me he loves me and tried to explain his way out of his actions. Just tonight we had a disagreement where he defended himself from yet another jerky episode (basically telling me I’m a bad mother, which he’s done many times). Anyway, I responded with “your actions speak louder than your words and this doesn’t feel like love”. He walked off and said he’s not buying it, that he’s always told me he loves me and that should be enough. So, he wants his words to be my benchmark and for me to ignore his actions. I’m with Baza. I’m looking at actions as loud and clear messages. My decision to leave is based on his actions, not his words. Talk is cheap folks. (Apologies for rambling, lots of processing and clarity over here!)
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 2, 2018 13:31:11 GMT -5
Getting ready to head back home after being away for awhile. Im ready to be home again, but Im also dreading returning to the relationship if you can call it that. Its been 12 days or so of not thinking about it.
In the near term, Im going to focus on not having resentment for lack of sex. I see now that its a huge contributor to the toxicity in the relatiinship. I can see now that in the past I would dwell on it. Now I've come to accept that she no longer desires sex with me. The fact that Im not happy with that does not give license to be angry and to act out.
Ive come to accept that its not healthy for me to desire someone that does not desire me in return. This was a bitter pill to swallow. I need to move on from this. The sooner the better.
In a situation like this, I tend to default to avoidant behavior which tends to make things worse. (Sidebar. Avoidant behavior is probably a door I have been ignoring but probably need to open at some point for my own emotional growth. End sidebar) This again requires effort on my part to not default to that.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 2, 2018 14:55:52 GMT -5
With acceptance come some peace. I remember being at the stage you were at. I knew a divorce was the healthiest thing FOR ME! Focus on yourself and go after what will make your life happy.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 6, 2018 11:09:24 GMT -5
Gratitude.
I want to express gratitude for the existence of this message board which has helped me find my voice through the torment that is my emotions. For helping me articulate my thoughts. For helping me find others who can sympathize with my situation. And for providing a medium to express myself and avoid bottling things up inside.
I have been thinking a lot about my exit plan these past few days. Below is the beginnings of what I think needs to happen in the next 2-3 years in no particular order. Initially I was thinking 5-10 years, but I realize now that is not likely. Let me know what y'all think.
Legal Need to talk to lawyers obviously to understand the process. From initial discussions, I have a feeling we will be able to reach custody, financial, alimony, property division agreements on our own and will most likely just require the courts to legalize and rubber stamp our agreement. That is what I will push for. But at the same time, plan B will be to lawyer up...you know just in case.
Financial We do not have any property other than the principal home. We have done pretty well equity wise so we will both get a decent windfall when we sell. I will be looking for supplemental income sources. I used to trade stocks for a long time and will probably dip my toe back into this as an alternate source of income Will start to look into a financial advisor to discuss what the financial situation looks like post divorce.
Coping/Mental Health In the near term, I believe this will get the most attention and energy. I need to focus on myself. A lot. There is a lot to decompress and wade through. It won't be pretty. I am not much into individual therapy. I think I'd do better in a group therapy setting. So I will look into finding local groups that are appropriate. My other tools will be journaling and meditation (me time). I plan to take on a few hobbies. Nothing too crazy. Initially hiking and fitness, but maybe fishing down the road. W has suggested counseling of sorts, but I don't have a strong desire to do joint counseling at this point. I don't see the point really.
Support network This one will be tough for me. While I have a rather diversified professional circle, my social circle is a lot more intimate and very family oriented. I cannot really fathom any group of people in these circles being someone I can turn to for support. At the moment my support group consists of the friendly group of strangers on this message board. That said, I will need to seek out a mentor or two. I have some people in mind but need to figure out how to approach the discussion.
Relationship/AP none. While a steady AP or FWB would be a welcome distraction, it would be exactly that. A distraction. I feel my time is much better spent focussing on the long term. Like many of you, self-esteem is at a point where its hard to see a time when someone will want to have a relationship with me or even where I can enjoy sex. But if it does come later on, I need to be outside my current relationship and in a much better place emotionally. That said, I have met some great people online that I can relate to and conversation just seems to flow. As much as I enjoy these, these interactions seem to have an element of ambiguity to them however and not sure if sustainable friendships can emerge.
Kids Not sure how to treat this one. What to tell the kids, if anything, and when. I will need to do some research here. Our oldest is entering 2nd year of college in September, and I have a pre-teen, and two younger kids under 10
Timeline I suspect this will play out over the next 2 to 3 years.
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Post by baza on Apr 6, 2018 19:19:01 GMT -5
If the history of members here is anything to go by Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo , the "2 to 3 year" time frame probably won't be that long. Once the situation has been knocked off top dead centre, the thing seems to gather momentum at what can be a frightening pace. You seem to have knocked your deal off top dead centre, and ever so slowly it is on the move. It will get quicker and quicker and quicker. Your preparations for the ride seem good in the theory. It will be incumbent on you to institute the theory in to practice, and as far as possible keep ahead of the game. Challenging choices ahead mate. But nothing you can't handle with appropriate preparation.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 6, 2018 19:46:59 GMT -5
Support can come at some of the most unexpected times, and in unexpected places!
Much of the support you need will fall into place as YOU begin to slowly gain more self confidence and give support to others. You certainly seem like a very fun , likable guy who could use a few mentors right now!.
(Drop me a line if your ever in Fl.)
Never sell your self short ,you already have a lot about yourself to offer to others. This new learning, growing, life changing experience will provide you with even more skills for your future.
Iron sharpens iron!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 7, 2018 22:01:12 GMT -5
Thanks baza and greatcoastalI appreciate the encouragement. It is a strange time. The gamut of emotions that one cycles through in a day can be overwhelming. At times, I grieve the loss of a 20 year relationship Other times, I feel anger and contempt at W for the ceaseless mind games When Im with the kids there is guilt that Im hiding my intentions from them Then there is the fear of the unknown And to top it off, one goes about one's day like any other day. No one is the wiser to the storm of emotions that rage inside
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Post by flounder on Apr 7, 2018 22:46:14 GMT -5
Thanks baza and greatcoastalI appreciate the encouragement. It is a strange time. The gamut of emotions that one cycles through in a day can be overwhelming. At times, I grieve the loss of a 20 year relationship Other times, I feel anger and contempt at W for the ceaseless mind games When Im with the kids there is guilt that Im hiding my intentions from them Then there is the fear of the unknown And to top it off, one goes about one's day like any other day. No one is the wiser to the storm of emotions that rage inside You are mourning my friend. You ARE losing a loved one. It’s just happening in a different way.
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