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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 9, 2018 21:39:44 GMT -5
Just some random thoughts tonight
"You can only try your best. And if they can't appreciate that, it's their fault, not yours"
I had an epiphany about how I might meet the next great love of my life when the time comes. It will be doing what I love doing. They will see me at my best. And they will see that its good.
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Post by baza on Apr 9, 2018 21:52:21 GMT -5
I gather that your intent is to present the best possible version of TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo to the world. That, is an absolutely great guiding principle to operate from. And you'll be staggered at the effects it has on all sorts of relationships in your life.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 19, 2018 19:49:12 GMT -5
Random journal entry. A rant really. Not SM related in any way. But need to get it off my chest.
Those who betray you are the ones you least expect it from.
Well you poked the wrong lion motherfucker. Now you deserve what you have coming to you.
And that is the loss of my trust and the loss of my friendship. And thats worth more than what you thought you were gaining by your betrayal. But you are probably too self absorbed to even comprehend that.
And so it goes.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 25, 2018 11:03:28 GMT -5
A quick update and then taking a break for awhile from the forum.
I first came on to the ILIASM EP site about 5 or 6 years ago. I was not active at the time. Then it disappeared and I eventually stumbled into this community. Stumbling here was like stumbling into an oasis in the middle of my desolation.
I found community, comfort, friends, a respite from my SM, a place where I felt understood and where I could hear from others, even hard truths that I would not have heard anywhere else.
It is where I feel the understanding of my situation has accelerated perhaps saving me many years, maybe decades of lonliness and frustration.
It is a place where I feel I have found my voice to express myself in a way that I might be understood.
I came here confused about my SM. Thinking it was me, something I did or didnt do. Thinking I was no longer attractive or appealing enough. Thinking my wife had taken on a lover. Maybe I no longer knew how to turn her on. I was a mess.
What I learned is that it was me that was causing my unhappiness. Just not in then way I initially thought. And now that I have this awareness, I feel that it is time to move on or at least give some time to work on myself. Set some goals. And have a plan to get there.
My marriage hangs on the brink. I no longer feel attached to my relationship. Im thinking about what life looks like as a single guy. In some ways this has been liberating. I am able to say things that should have been said a long time ago. But with some of my kids still young, its not easy to cut loose and move on. So I need to work through those details. But if you would have told me a year ago that I'd be where I am, Id have laughed at the ridiculousness of it.
So with that, I want to give my thanks to the community for exisitng and for sharing and listening. Im sure I will poke my head in from time to time, but coming from a different place than I was a year ago.
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Post by elynne on Apr 26, 2018 8:00:20 GMT -5
A quick update and then taking a break for awhile from the forum. I first came on to the ILIASM EP site about 5 or 6 years ago. I was not active at the time. Then it disappeared and I eventually stumbled into this community. Stumbling here was like stumbling into an oasis in the middle of my desolation. I found community, comfort, friends, a respite from my SM, a place where I felt understood and where I could hear from others, even hard truths that I would not have heard anywhere else. It is where I feel the understanding of my situation has accelerated perhaps saving me many years, maybe decades of lonliness and frustration. It is a place where I feel I have found my voice to express myself in a way that I might be understood. I came here confused about my SM. Thinking it was me, something I did or didnt do. Thinking I was no longer attractive or appealing enough. Thinking my wife had taken on a lover. Maybe I no longer knew how to turn her on. I was a mess. What I learned is that it was me that was causing my unhappiness. Just not in then way I initially thought. And now that I have this awareness, I feel that it is time to move on or at least give some time to work on myself. Set some goals. And have a plan to get there. My marriage hangs on the brink. I no longer feel attached to my relationship. Im thinking about what life looks like as a single guy. In some ways this has been liberating. I am able to say things that should have been said a long time ago. But with some of my kids still young, its not easy to cut loose and move on. So I need to work through those details. But if you would have told me a year ago that I'd be where I am, Id have laughed at the ridiculousness of it. So with that, I want to give my thanks to the community for exisitng and for sharing and listening. Im sure I will poke my head in from time to time, but coming from a different place than I was a year ago. @daddeo - best of luck on your journey. And please do pop in once in a while and let us know how you’re doing.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 24, 2018 18:20:31 GMT -5
Today Im a little sad. This has nothing to do with SM really but I needed somewhere to write.
My wife was unable to take my youngest son to the eye doctor. So I took him instead. Im glad I went.
To preface, my youngest was born with severe nearsightedness, some mild hearing impairments, and more recently he has trouble walking. We dont know why the trouble with walking. We have been seeing specialist for over a year and its frustrating. Suffice to say that in the last year my little guy does not want to go to school because he feels different. He gets fustrated becaue of hearing aids, because of glasses, because kids younger than him outrun him at the school yard and on and on.
Today at the doctor's office I realized how bad my son's eyesight is. The doctor suggested we see an opthamalogist to get a better diagnosis. He thinks its cataracts causing further impairments but he is not an expert so did not want to speculate a diagnosis. I could tell my son was getting frustrated while we were doing all these tests.
I took him to lunch and all these thoughts started going through my head. With 4 kids, I know that look of concern that doctor's have when they dont tell you much but their gut and years of experience tells them something is wrong. My eyes welled as I ate lunch with difficulty bc of the lump in my throat. I am worried that his vision will continue to deteriorate. I have no way of knowing this but it was painful to watch your child not make out the letters in front of him.
It was worse for me knowing that he was having lunch happily, smiling, oblivious to the possible challenges in front of him.
I called my wife after the appointment and let her know. She was sad and I could tell that she welled up by the tone in her voice. I didnt tell her the extent of what I saw as I feel we should let the specialist have a say. And then I wondered if the doctor did the same with me.
For one thing, after today it makes my relationship issues seem distant and less important. All that is going through my mind is how do I give this kid some decent life experiences when he is already feeling at a disadvantage. He sees the things his siblings and friends do (gymnastics, soccer, bicycle etc) and asks why he is not yet doing that. Believe me we have tried but he struggles and as a parent its hard to watch him try to keep up. When he asks me, the only answer I have is that we'll try other things.(piano, swimming, art etc)
Anyhow...sorry for the sad rant. I needed to get it off my chest.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 24, 2018 19:08:10 GMT -5
I’m sorry, daddeo. It is so painful when our kids face these kind of challenges especially when we are limited in ways to help them. Please keep us posted.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 24, 2018 19:16:50 GMT -5
So sorry TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . Sometimes life can throw us curveballs to put things in a different perspective; this group is so wonderful because we support each other through more than just SM. Take care, vent here, and keep us posted.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 24, 2018 19:40:57 GMT -5
You're being a good dad for being there with him and offering him as many alternatives to enjoying all the joys of life.
The doctor is handling it well. Does your son wear an Rx greater than a -9.00 diopter in each eye? ( you really can't fit a curve greater than that in a frame) Nearsightedness? Meaning that's what he is, he can see things close up but struggles with distance? Once a Rx exceeds -5.00 diopters there will be distortions and lense aberrations.
Fortunately cataract surgery has greatly improved,he may be an excellent candidate for IOL Intraocular lens which will restore his clear vision. lets pray that's the case!
Keep us posted!
On a side note: In my early twenties I dated a woman who was totally blind from birth. ( not to brag on myself in anyway) talk about a woman who taught me joy and strength! She had a beautiful singing voice, was so independant, she lived in her own apartment,rode city buses to work, the only help she needed was telling her what each can was when she returned from the grocery store so she could put braille labels on them.
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Post by baza on Aug 24, 2018 19:54:30 GMT -5
This bit, where you are trying to establish exactly what the specific issue is, is a shit Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . Feeling for you at this time. You'll get through it. So will the lad. First thing is finding out what "it" is - and you're doing it.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 24, 2018 21:13:15 GMT -5
(Hugs) @daddeo. You are not alone in feeling like this. My son was born with a rare physical disability that causes him frustration and me sadness as I watch him struggle with things that are so easy for kids younger than him. It is very hard to be a loving parent, watching your child struggle and knowing he will face additional challenges throughout life that you cannot “protect” him from.
It’s scary and it’s hard and it’s painful. But you are not alone.
I also understand how unimportant the relationship issues can seem in juxtaposition to this. But kids are happier when their parents are happier. Just as you would when flying: you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can put on anyone else’s.
Believe me, I struggled trying to decide whether leaving my SM was the right thing, or the selfish thing to do in regards to my son. But you have to be mentally strong to be strong enough to handle the additional special needs. I was mentally weak when in my SM and I was not the best mom I could be.
My son sees 8 specialists regularly plus his pediatrician. He’s only three and has already had 8 surgeries and procedures in his young life, the most recent one being this morning. It is a LOT. So I need to be strong to handle it all. And I had to decide what it was that would lead to me being as strong as I can be. For me, that was leaving. I know it will be challenging for us both but I also know it was the right choice for me.
Hang in there. You sound like a great, loving dad. You have to ensure you are making the right choices for your kids but you also need to make the right choices for YOU.
Please reach out if you ever want to. I understand how you’re feeling.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 25, 2018 6:54:15 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for their kind words. I wish I could give everyone a worthy, thoughful response in return but its just not in me at the moment and for that I feel terrible. I am in your debt.
@choosinghappy, thanks for sharing your story. I can relate and sympathize. Growing up, my mother cared for my younger brother who had many health issues over the years. It was an emotionally difficult time. It nearly broke my parents apart but they endured somehow. Different times, different generation. When Im feeling a little bit less overwhelmed, I will reach out.
I spent the evening in my son's room until he fell asleep. It was passive, he watched a movie on the tablet while I caught up on a few things. He would pop his head up every once in a while to ask a question about the movie (sharkboy and lava girl, an all time family favorite!). I now feel so protective of him. Like I want to spend every moment I can with him. Its tough because I dont want the other two younger ones (12,10, oldest is in college) to feel slighted.
For those interested, Ill post an update from time to time while being respectful of the community's true purpose. I dont mean to hijack this board from its intended objective. Suffice to say, it was alleviating to have an unintended outlet at hand when I was feeling a little overwhelmed.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 25, 2018 7:17:55 GMT -5
greatcoastal-11.00 both eyes. When he was a newborn, he would stare into the distance, especially light sources. We couldnt understand why until he was about a year old. Does your son wear an Rx greater than a -9.00 diopter in each eye? ( you really can't fit a curve greater than that in a frame)
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 25, 2018 7:22:10 GMT -5
I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. One step at a time. You’re a great dad!
Hugs
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 25, 2018 7:56:30 GMT -5
greatcoastal -11.00 both eyes. When he was a newborn, he would stare into the distance, especially light sources. We couldnt understand why until he was about a year old. Does your son wear an Rx greater than a -9.00 diopter in each eye? ( you really can't fit a curve greater than that in a frame) A -12.00 is the highest Rx i've seen and filled. Hopefully surgery will be a much better solution. Continue to do your research and ask questions.You are doing a fine job of praising him in his ability to be humble and at the same time gain strength for his future endeavors. Iron sharpens iron! On a side note: my 15 yr old daughter has Plica syndrome in her knee and has been on crutches for a year and a half. She no longer fears surgery. A friend of hers at school had surgery and recovered in a month and a half. My daughter is now pressing her mother to look into surgery for her. I am all for it.
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