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Post by brian on Oct 24, 2017 4:37:26 GMT -5
brian , for years I was ready to go at get beckon call. I've been fighting that lately, if she doesn't want to put the work in so that I feel loved, why should I help her when she gets the slightest sex itch maybe every other week for hey. I hear you... and we are all different. I never would have looked up this site (well, it's predecessor) if my roomie was "in the mood" every other week.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 24, 2017 5:54:41 GMT -5
brian , for years I was ready to go at get beckon call. I've been fighting that lately, if she doesn't want to put the work in so that I feel loved, why should I help her when she gets the slightest sex itch maybe every other week for hey. I hear you... and we are all different. I never would have looked up this site (well, it's predecessor) if my roomie was "in the mood" every other week. She wasn't always every other week, she was closer to once a month and she was never in the mood for me, just to either scratch her itch or to get me to stop bugging her. It was never to be with me.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 24, 2017 6:18:32 GMT -5
brian , for years I was ready to go at get beckon call. I've been fighting that lately, if she doesn't want to put the work in so that I feel loved, why should I help her when she gets the slightest sex itch maybe every other week for hey. I hear you... and we are all different. I never would have looked up this site (well, it's predecessor) if my roomie was "in the mood" every other week. I'm with you on this brian,.....My X delayed, declined, demurred and otherwise found so many ways to keep from engaging in most every type of intimacy with me. Except when she would quite suddenly and out of the blue announce she was "in the mood". Being in the mood for her was as regular as clockwork, like a quarterly dividend check. I could expect it every 3 months. If I had gotten that dividend payout every other week I might still be there.
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Post by h on Oct 24, 2017 6:31:55 GMT -5
I hear you... and we are all different. I never would have looked up this site (well, it's predecessor) if my roomie was "in the mood" every other week. She wasn't always every other week, she was closer to once a month and she was never in the mood for me, just to either scratch her itch it get me to stop bugging her. It was never to be with me. Same here. Mine was never in the mood except for "once a month" when her hormones told her to. She would get all emotional and feel guilty for depriving me and as soon as her period was over (never during, it grossed her out) she would go through with it once. This only happened if I could make it work within a day or two of the end of her period. If I missed the window of opportunity, the hormones would fade and I'd have to wait for another month to pass. That worked out to about ten times a year on average. Once every month was a good year.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 25, 2017 9:00:57 GMT -5
There is that common theme we have. The sex we get, if any, from our spouses is only to diffuse the tension.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 26, 2017 20:55:17 GMT -5
I tired taking with the W tonight, to let her know I'm still not over the almost divorce talk last Wednesday. I was calm and tied to explain how I feel.
She attacks me for bringing it up, she said she knows I'm still not over it, there's no need to talk more about it, I'm just making it worse by bringing it up.
I somehow felt and did apologize for being more open with my emotions. I know I went from boxing everything up, so I probably an expressing and sharing a lot. But I thought sharing your feelings was a good thing.
I'm seeing more and more DARVO behaviors.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 27, 2017 6:37:49 GMT -5
I am thinking about developing a 2 year plan, that way the youngest is in elementary school the shittiest part is the required 1 year speration, so I guess the state will turn it into a 3 year plan.
Unfortunately I missed the webinar on the absolute divorce, but there will be another and I need to see a lawyer to start lining things up. Just taking the first step to call, it is a hard one to swallow.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 27, 2017 6:58:53 GMT -5
Last week when we talked she bought up quality of life as one of the reasons why she wants to stayed married, she compared our current house and finical security to her having to live in a small apartment, no cable tv, ect. she essentially distilled me down to a paycheck. I told her I'm not a paycheck and since that is the first time she said something like that, I would give her a pass.
Well, last night it came up again, she danced around what it would be like divorced and I could tell it was going back to finances. She put one more nail in the coffin last night.
Today while I am teleworking, I'm seeing how it feels to not wear my wedding ring. It honestly feels liberating, like it's a shackle holding me in place.
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Post by h on Oct 27, 2017 8:32:03 GMT -5
My W wouldn't have gotten a pass on that comment. You're more patient than I am. If she ever had the nerve to reduce me to a paycheck so blatantly, that would be an immediate no go for me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 27, 2017 8:49:14 GMT -5
My W wouldn't have gotten a pass on that comment. You're more patient than I am. If she ever had the nerve to reduce me to a paycheck so blatantly, that would be an immediate no go for me. Amen brother! My situation was similar but reversed. My W was "the paycheck". My W. love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation. Okay, got it. Then came the reality. There was really very little to affirm about! It boiled down to "thank you for going to work today" (even though you would go to work anyways, married,or not, family or not, because it makes up who you are) that was about it. So yes, for some of us that's all that's left of the roommate situation. A sad reality. Then comes the icing on the cake when you learn about the inappropriate, misuse of that paycheck. Zero trust.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 27, 2017 9:11:45 GMT -5
I am thinking about developing a 2 year plan, that way the youngest is in elementary school the shittiest part is the required 1 year speration, so I guess the state will turn it into a 3 year plan. Unfortunately I missed the webinar on the absolute divorce, but there will be another and I need to see a lawyer to start lining things up. Just taking the first step to call, it is a hard one to swallow. Get started yesterday. She could easily be way ahead of you. Calling an attorney took me days to just pick up the phone. So much fear " I'm going to sound stupid, I don't know what to say, I've never done this before, I have no idea what to ask, I need to learn a lot more before my first visit". Well... like many things in life I/we worry to much. 90% of the things we worry about don't happen. It's better to be "concerned" and take action, press forward, small steps. Make the call. The people at a divorce attorney's office are well trained to talk with you and calm your fears. It's like my job as an optician, when people in their mid forties came to me with the concern, " I've never worn glasses before I think I need to try some". That took a lot of courage, that's a first step. My job -and responsibility- was to walk them through it and inform them. Not to go for the sale and take their money!! Ask a good friend to go with you. Someone else who can ask an extra question and talk you through it! Start taking, swallow some pride, and ask " I need you to do something for ME" It's hard, it goes against our very core. yet we love it when someone else does that to us. Time to start receiving. my experience was after the first attorney, my fears disapeared and I had more, deeper questions. I went to other attorneys to compare, shop around, and get more specifics answered each time. by the time I went to the 4th attorney I said, " you are my 4th attorney, I have specific questions, mind if we start with those?" That made the best use of my time. my therapist, -a licensed child psychologist- gave me the best recommendations for attorneys. He testifies in court and sees them in action. Also attorneys know each other quit well. If you know one personally or a friend knows them get them to recommend other attorneys. Even when you meet with an attorney they are liable to ask you, " does your wife have an attorney?" They want to know who they are up against. They can also recommend one for your W. Don't be afraid to ask," can you recommend another attorney? In case you are to busy or can't take my case?" all they can do is say no. Even if it seems awkward and selfish, it's time to be selfish, this is a life changing event we are talking about, stand up for yourself, look out for your self! Hope that's helpful!
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 27, 2017 9:49:17 GMT -5
I tired taking with the W tonight, to let her know I'm still not over the almost divorce talk last Wednesday. I was calm and tied to explain how I feel. She attacks me for bringing it up, she said she knows I'm still not over it, there's no need to talk more about it, I'm just making it worse by bringing it up. I somehow felt and did apologize for being more open with my emotions. I know I went from boxing everything up, so I probably an expressing and sharing a lot. But I thought sharing your feelings was a good thing. I'm seeing more and more DARVO behaviors. Of course she doesn't want you to bring it up anymore, and just get over it! Typical DARVO and manipulation with a capital M! "just ignore that man behind the curtain". Once you get used to detecting DARVO you will also see how she uses it when dealing with others. Especially the kids. Another nail in the coffin. Not a good example for how to handle others and solve life's problems! Don't know how much of a book reader you are, but the book www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity- Webook/dp/B014W0587S When I started reading it, I was like,"YES,YES, YES, this is me, this is so true, this is spot on" I've read some parts 5 times and I use it for a lot of reference.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 27, 2017 10:46:44 GMT -5
greatcoastal shamwowWell, I mustered up the nerve to go see the attorney. I was just going in to schedule the consult and he had time right then an there, I was nervous as hell. It sounds like as long as she remains calm that our divorce would go fairly easy. We are both professionals and the salary gap isn't that big and we both have retirements. The biggest things will be the home and kids. He suggested drafting up the agreement, then one of us moving out. I'm not ready to go there just yet, I think I want the youngest to be in school first.
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Post by h on Oct 27, 2017 11:10:18 GMT -5
"...as long as she remains calm..." HAHAHA. If she finds out you are consulting with an attorney, I'm betting she won't be calm anymore.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 27, 2017 11:24:45 GMT -5
you/we should go on this thread and try to remember our list of questions for the attorney. Mine are written down somewhere in my 3 ring binder) iliasm.org/thread/2901/lawyers-chooseSomething else to start doing, keeping a divorce file, and or a computer to do things separately.
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