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Post by shamwow on Oct 27, 2017 13:01:40 GMT -5
"...as long as she remains calm..." HAHAHA. If she finds out you are consulting with an attorney, I'm betting she won't be calm anymore. Mine remained calm, for the most part. For me, it was all about the letter I read. Look, from all accounts, greatcoastal STBX is a irrational, psychotic, fucking bitch from hell (sorry GC, don't mean to disparage the mother of your children). She doesn't care if she looks good, looks bad, or anything. She just wants to stick it to him. With mine, I was able to set the tone from the get-go that we were going to do this fair, open, above board, and amicable. That includes having a USB drive with all the financials already prepared when I read her the letter. There was nothing to hide. It built some trust even as we dissolved our marriage. Over the next 6 months, the goodwill gradually faded away, and now we barely speak, but starting on the high road means that things might not go all the way into the crapper. But it completely depends upon the type of person you married. I also used some financial carrots and sticks to keep things moving along and smooth. It was in her best interest to go along. I arranged thing so she would lose even if she won and carefully explained that to her. But I had to put things on the table I didn't absolutely need to in order to have those cards to play. Again, depending on temperament, people can be calm if incentivized to be so.
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Post by h on Oct 27, 2017 13:16:02 GMT -5
"...as long as she remains calm..." HAHAHA. If she finds out you are consulting with an attorney, I'm betting she won't be calm anymore. Mine remained calm, for the most part. For me, it was all about the letter I read. Look, from all accounts, greatcoastal STBX is a irrational, psychotic, fucking bitch from hell (sorry GC, don't mean to disparage the mother of your children). She doesn't care if she looks good, looks bad, or anything. She just wants to stick it to him. With mine, I was able to set the tone from the get-go that we were going to do this fair, open, above board, and amicable. That includes having a USB drive with all the financials already prepared when I read her the letter. There was nothing to hide. It built some trust even as we dissolved our marriage. Over the next 6 months, the goodwill gradually faded away, and now we barely speak, but starting on the high road means that things might not go all the way into the crapper. But it completely depends upon the type of person you married. I also used some financial carrots and sticks to keep things moving along and smooth. It was in her best interest to go along. I arranged thing so she would lose even if she won and carefully explained that to her. But I had to put things on the table I didn't absolutely need to in order to have those cards to play. Again, depending on temperament, people can be calm if incentivized to be so. My comment was about the fact that she already referenced the financial situation. That leads me to believe that she will freak out if her standard of living is threatened.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 27, 2017 13:31:18 GMT -5
h There has been one other time she has had a freak out over her standard of living. The cable company raised our rates and I dropped us down to basic cable. She cried and called the cable company back to take us back up to the previous package (with a slight discount).
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Post by shamwow on Oct 27, 2017 13:31:20 GMT -5
Mine remained calm, for the most part. For me, it was all about the letter I read. Look, from all accounts, greatcoastal STBX is a irrational, psychotic, fucking bitch from hell (sorry GC, don't mean to disparage the mother of your children). She doesn't care if she looks good, looks bad, or anything. She just wants to stick it to him. With mine, I was able to set the tone from the get-go that we were going to do this fair, open, above board, and amicable. That includes having a USB drive with all the financials already prepared when I read her the letter. There was nothing to hide. It built some trust even as we dissolved our marriage. Over the next 6 months, the goodwill gradually faded away, and now we barely speak, but starting on the high road means that things might not go all the way into the crapper. But it completely depends upon the type of person you married. I also used some financial carrots and sticks to keep things moving along and smooth. It was in her best interest to go along. I arranged thing so she would lose even if she won and carefully explained that to her. But I had to put things on the table I didn't absolutely need to in order to have those cards to play. Again, depending on temperament, people can be calm if incentivized to be so. My comment was about the fact that she already referenced the financial situation. That leads me to believe that she will freak out if her standard of living is threatened. Well, put yourself in her shoes. In most divorces, there are two big issues to resolve: Money and Kids. In the end, once both parties realize the divorce is going to happen, this is kind of a natural question. And let's be honest here. Very few of our spouses are caught completely flat footed that things are fucked up. And those happen to live in a country called denial. So she has a vested interest in the finances. That's especially why a well crafted approach (a letter in my case) is critical. In my letter I made it clear that I was going to be fair and generous. I would make sure that she had the time to get on her feet. I provided on a USB drive all the relevant financial documents (she's going to get them anyway) and statements. In life, very few situations are improved by increasing levels of fear. If you are open, honest, and compassionate? It may be returned. This is especially true if there are kids that you don't want to damage or that both sides want to appear to be the "good guy". But make no mistake. When I told my ex wife I wanted a divorce, I already knew my legal rights and responsibilities. I went into the "fight" unarmed, but not ignorant. I had a club within easy reach (a "shark" lawyer) if need be. It wasn't needed, but I would have been a fool if I unilaterally disarmed and depended on my STBX's good will. Look in most divorce situations, nobody gets to take anyone "to the cleaners". It's usually a 50/50 split. People who "got taken to the cleaners" either had a super-shitty lawyer or didn't have any real assets to divide in the first place. Getting into a knock down drag out just splits your stuff 4 ways instead of two. You, your wife, and each of your respective attorneys. Our divorce cost us something between 3 and 4 grand. Don't give the lawyers any more than that if you don't have to.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 27, 2017 13:32:39 GMT -5
h There has been one other time she has had a freak out over her standard of living. The cable company raised our rates and I dropped us down to basic cable. She cried and called the cable company back to take us back up to the previous package (with a slight discount). Ha! Literally cried? She'd hate me. I just cut the cord and am paying $20/month for Sling TV. Pretty basic, but if I didn't have a sports nut kid I'd cut that too.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 27, 2017 13:36:48 GMT -5
"...as long as she remains calm..." HAHAHA. If she finds out you are consulting with an attorney, I'm betting she won't be calm anymore. Mine remained calm, for the most part. For me, it was all about the letter I read. Look, from all accounts, greatcoastal STBX is a irrational, psychotic, fucking bitch from hell (sorry GC, don't mean to disparage the mother of your children). She doesn't care if she looks good, looks bad, or anything. She just wants to stick it to him. Who are you to come on here and call my wife a FUCKING BITCH? You are to generous, just bitch, please! LOL!!!
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Post by shamwow on Oct 27, 2017 13:41:34 GMT -5
Mine remained calm, for the most part. For me, it was all about the letter I read. Look, from all accounts, greatcoastal STBX is a irrational, psychotic, fucking bitch from hell (sorry GC, don't mean to disparage the mother of your children). She doesn't care if she looks good, looks bad, or anything. She just wants to stick it to him. Who are you to come on here and call my wife a FUCKING BITCH? You are to generous, just bitch, please! LOL!!! Apologies are in order. I'm sorry for calling your wife a irrational, psychotic, fucking bitch from hell. We all know that you live in a sexless marriage. Fucking has not been part of it in quite some time. Perhaps the adjective "frigid" would have been more appropriate? However, no offense was intended and I apologize for my poor choice of words.
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Post by h on Oct 27, 2017 14:06:21 GMT -5
h There has been one other time she has had a freak out over her standard of living. The cable company raised our rates and I dropped us down to basic cable. She cried and called the cable company back to take us back up to the previous package (with a slight discount). When my W had an especially long stay in fantasy land, and racked up a credit card bill that we could barely cover the payment for, I made her shut off the cable entirely. We just kept the internet so we had it for her work (and my "other internet activities"). I'm not going to give up my internet because of her irresponsible spending.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 27, 2017 14:44:13 GMT -5
h There has been one other time she has had a freak out over her standard of living. The cable company raised our rates and I dropped us down to basic cable. She cried and called the cable company back to take us back up to the previous package (with a slight discount). When my W had an especially long stay in fantasy land, and racked up a credit card bill that we could barely cover the payment for, I made her shut off the cable entirely. We just kept the internet so we had it for her work (and my "other internet activities"). I'm not going to give up my internet because of her irresponsible spending. Mine wasn't terrible on the month to month bills. Our finances usually suffered through completely unforeseen emergencies that couldn't be properly prepared for. You know, things like Christmas, vacations, and "too good to pass up on" Groupons. It is fucking amazing just how much crap we simply gave away when we split up.
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 7, 2018 14:56:15 GMT -5
To give quick update. We are don't better sex is happening and happening with desire and frequency. We are both still working thru our shit, but hopefully we will get there.
Therapy had really helped both of us, I have some bad habits and triggers that I developed from the years of rejection that I'm working thru. The W is dealing with things that she does to protect herself and to keep me at arm's length.
At times it's been an emotional rollercoaster, where we could be having a good couple of days and then one of us did something that sends us to the opposite sides of the house and wipes out what work we have done. But after a few days, we find our way back.
The sex had been good, with vast improvement in quality and frequency. There had been a slow increase in variaty. Including oral sex in both giving and receiving.
I wouldn't say we've turned the marriage around yet, but the ship is steaming in the right direction. There rebuild process has been emotionally painful and requires a lot of in word thinking. If the marriage doesn't make it, at least both of us are much better emotionally then when we first got married.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 7, 2018 15:09:49 GMT -5
Wow, hopingforachange, thanks for sharing your update. I do think it helps others who are actively really trying to work things out to hear such things. Oftentimes, when things are "better," people drop out of sight and stop sharing. I hear the exhaustion in your post from the hard work of it all; I do hope that it ends up being the kind of work that is really worth it and leads to you being closer together, with a strong bond and regular, healthy sex shared together. During all of this, I feel inclined to ask: are you having fun together, too? I give you both credit for doing the work on yourselves for each other. You are right, if it turns out "together" is not meant to be, you both will come out of this knowing yourselves better to move forward in a healthy direction. Because you are working on it, I will say I hope you make it TOGETHER. (((best wishes on that)))
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 7, 2018 15:31:00 GMT -5
We have been doing fun things together again. For a long time, I stopped wanting to do thinks like date nights because it just lead to rejection. But they have stated again and going well.
The exhaustion is there, there are times when the little bumps make me want to throw in the towel because I just don't have the energy to work thru the problem at the time. There has been time that I though it would be easier to pack my stuff while she is at work and move out. But after a day or two, one of us finds the energy to reengage the other person. For us, we have been doing a lot of work at looking at the bigger picture, and not as much about the incident it's self, the looking and identifying patterns that both of us are doing that is causing us both pain and working against us.
I hoping other see that there is a possibility of at least some improvement in their marriage. BUT it takes both people wanting to fix it. One person alone can not do anything other then grin and bear it. If the W didn't decided to challenge her views on sex and physical intimacy, then the changes wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't still be married.
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Post by elynne on Mar 7, 2018 17:38:35 GMT -5
Update to where my marriage is at. We have gone to 2 couples therapy sessions. I am starting to believe she is working on changing her view of sex, from a "wife's duty" to something that she can enjoy and bring us together. I have to deal with my baggage that I collected from the years of rejection, so while the W can speak my love language (touch), it is painful for me to unpack my emotions to reciprocate her needed words of affirmation. But we are working thru it, while I am bad at returning words of affirmation to her, I am trying and I can do her 2nd love language of quality time. I have implemented and she agreed with turning off all electronics and putting down books at 9pm, unless we are using them in our discussion. She still can't open the bedroom up to all the activities that I needed, but her motivation of the existing activities has changed and there is a dramatic bump in activity level. We might go thru the 12 box of condoms before the end of the month, normally the 6 pack would last around 2 months. Part of the reason why she has issues opening up the bedroom is her learned behavior from her parents. Her parents marriage became a SM when she was around 10 years old. I on the other hand I knew my parents were having sex thanks to my parents having a cheap flexible bed frame with the beds back up to almost a common wall (small bathroom in between that acted like a drum) and as a kid walking in on my mom doing oral. While I am cringing at the images and sounds coming back up in my mind, I am glad they modeled a healthy sexual relationship. For those staying in your sexless marriage for the kids, please consider the modeled behavior and what your kids are learning from it. The W is going thru issues and pain because her parent stayed together in a sexless marriage and she viewed it as a normal healthy thing. Wow! You used to get 3 times a month and it's going up from there!? Very jealous. I got 3 times last month and that's an improvement. It's slowly improved since our discussion but still frustratingly infrequent. When we got married, one of her friends got us a couple boxes of condoms as a wedding gift. More than half of them expired before we used them. I was looking for a razor this morning and came across two unopened boxes of condoms. The funny (or maybe not so funny thing) is that the boxes are so old that I don’t remember if I bought them or if h did, nor do I remember what could have caused enough optimism for one of us to actually buy condoms!
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Post by ted on Mar 7, 2018 17:58:05 GMT -5
You're not alone, elynne. I bought exactly two boxes during my marriage: the first to take on our honeymoon; the second, some 10 years later, after discovering the contents of the first box had dry-rotted. Damn, if that doesn't say it all.
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My story
Mar 7, 2018 20:10:28 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ironhamster on Mar 7, 2018 20:10:28 GMT -5
Our first year there was nothing. Our second year, I started with a box of twelve condoms, and ended the year with two unused ones. I commented on how little sex we had, and she was astonished and in disbelief that it was happening so seldom.
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