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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 30, 2017 20:49:27 GMT -5
So, you distance yourself from her and she gets exactly the marriage she wants - you as the ATM with no sex involved. She cheated before and now exhibits behaviors that say she is likely to do it again. She wants sex - just not with you. No one here thinks you enjoy your particular shithole. But you are the only one who can get yourself out of it. You cannot change her - you can only control you. Good luck to you and I hope you find peace. Thanks man, I appreciate your response and I'm yup, I believe she gets the marriage she wants and is happy without sex from me.
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Post by lyn on May 30, 2017 21:54:58 GMT -5
I thought you might relate. A lot of us here certainly do! Realistically, we can ONLY help ourselves in this situation. Nothing you do or say will ever make what she does or says OK. One day, you'll wake up and realize you've had enough. I'm so sorry she's treated you this way for so long. Long enough that it begins to seem "normal" to you. This, my dear, is what they do. I am gonna start living day to day and stop trying to plan my future with her. I'm gonna go do more things that I want to do by myself and have fun and not include her if she doesn't want to be a loving intimate partner. Maybe I'll find someone else along the way that looks like a better deal and it would steer me in the direction of getting rid of her, who knows. Or maybe when my wife sees me coming home later and doing things by myself and with friends, she will realize that I'm distancing myself. Maybe that will snap her out of it and make her realize what she has. I'm gonna stop worrying and begging for sex and asking her how we are doing and how she feels. I'll assume she feels the same way and is mental as always. That way I don't have to wonder and ask. I'll assume she isn't on board until she proves me otherwise or until I have had enough or met someone else, whichever comes first. Her problems are causing me stress and have caused probably a quarter of my hair to fall out in a year. I won't have any left soon if this continues. I'll start going to the gym every day instead of 3 days a week. The less I am here, the better for my health I think. sdiamond1026. Ok........ Noooooo...... please DO NOT LEAVE HERE! Please, re-read Apocrypha's posts here following. This *situation* could very well f*ck up your life for good! I'm not talking about the sexless marriage. If your W gets a wild hair and decides to go to the police with some story about raping her? You will lose your children and your civil rights indefinitely. This is not a joke - not a scare tactic. This will happen. Shut this down immediately! You did not rape her! Unless what you're telling us is false or void of most of the truth.
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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 31, 2017 9:17:16 GMT -5
I am gonna start living day to day and stop trying to plan my future with her. I'm gonna go do more things that I want to do by myself and have fun and not include her if she doesn't want to be a loving intimate partner. Maybe I'll find someone else along the way that looks like a better deal and it would steer me in the direction of getting rid of her, who knows. Or maybe when my wife sees me coming home later and doing things by myself and with friends, she will realize that I'm distancing myself. Maybe that will snap her out of it and make her realize what she has. I'm gonna stop worrying and begging for sex and asking her how we are doing and how she feels. I'll assume she feels the same way and is mental as always. That way I don't have to wonder and ask. I'll assume she isn't on board until she proves me otherwise or until I have had enough or met someone else, whichever comes first. Her problems are causing me stress and have caused probably a quarter of my hair to fall out in a year. I won't have any left soon if this continues. I'll start going to the gym every day instead of 3 days a week. The less I am here, the better for my health I think. sdiamond1026. Ok........ Noooooo...... please DO NOT LEAVE HERE! Please, re-read Apocrypha's posts here following. This *situation* could very well f*ck up your life for good! I'm not talking about the sexless marriage. If your W gets a wild hair and decides to go to the police with some story about raping her? You will lose your children and your civil rights indefinitely. This is not a joke - not a scare tactic. This will happen. Shut this down immediately! You did not rape her! Unless what you're telling us is false or void of most of the truth. What I wrote here is all 100% true and in detail. I am not afraid to tell it like it is. Thanks for confirmation that I didn't rape her. I do have a recording of her telling me that if I ever did anything to take the kids from her that she would tell them that I hit her. I was recording without her knowledge but if there was any rape or abuse accusations, I would pull this audio out to prove my innocence and would have to take whatever punishment for recording without her knowing.
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Post by Apocrypha on May 31, 2017 15:09:06 GMT -5
Now, you are definitely misinterpreting me when it comes to this if you think I enjoy this shit. I wasn't suggesting that you do; I was asking, and noting that some people do indeed enjoy it. It twigged for me with you because of the totality of the manipulation and resignation I was reading in your situation - the rape accusation - while you are merely figuring out what you think about that, as if she'd mildly insulted you.
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Post by unmatched on May 31, 2017 18:26:22 GMT -5
sdiamond1026 . Ok........ Noooooo...... please DO NOT LEAVE HERE! Please, re-read Apocrypha's posts here following. This *situation* could very well f*ck up your life for good! I'm not talking about the sexless marriage. If your W gets a wild hair and decides to go to the police with some story about raping her? You will lose your children and your civil rights indefinitely. This is not a joke - not a scare tactic. This will happen. Shut this down immediately! You did not rape her! Unless what you're telling us is false or void of most of the truth. What I wrote here is all 100% true and in detail. I am not afraid to tell it like it is. Thanks for confirmation that I didn't rape her. I do have a recording of her telling me that if I ever did anything to take the kids from her that she would tell them that I hit her. I was recording without her knowledge but if there was any rape or abuse accusations, I would pull this audio out to prove my innocence and would have to take whatever punishment for recording without her knowing. sd I am a bit at a loss here. You talked before about her bringing up a false abuse claim and thought she wouldn't do it because it wasn't in her interest to do so. And here you are saying you are keeping a recording of her as an insurance policy. That sounds like a very good idea, I am definitely not suggesting you get rid of it! But you clearly don't trust her at all to do something because it is right or because she has your best interests at heart. Why exactly would you ever want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust?
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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 31, 2017 19:19:26 GMT -5
What I wrote here is all 100% true and in detail. I am not afraid to tell it like it is. Thanks for confirmation that I didn't rape her. I do have a recording of her telling me that if I ever did anything to take the kids from her that she would tell them that I hit her. I was recording without her knowledge but if there was any rape or abuse accusations, I would pull this audio out to prove my innocence and would have to take whatever punishment for recording without her knowing. sd I am a bit at a loss here. You talked before about her bringing up a false abuse claim and thought she wouldn't do it because it wasn't in her interest to do so. And here you are saying you are keeping a recording of her as an insurance policy. That sounds like a very good idea, I am definitely not suggesting you get rid of it! But you clearly don't trust her at all to do something because it is right or because she has your best interests at heart. Why exactly would you ever want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust? Yeah, I guess you bring up a good point. I am at a point where she is earning my trust because of her affairs. I trust to now but of course I don't trust her 100% yet. Yes, she said that I raped her when she got mad and right after her affair. I believe she said it because she wanted to pull anything out in her arsenal that makes me look worse than her. So she pulls this out from 20 yrs ago. It was almost like yeah I cheated but you raped me and that's worse. I didn't rape her and it was sex that she allowed and it was no way worse than 2 yr affair. I think she knew what she had done was so bad, that she had to find something to make me look worse to get rid of her guilt. Then when we argued I made threats to take the kids and she countered with the "I'll say you hit me" line. These are her way of making false threats to make me feel guilty and to try and one up me and be even at the times we argued. Do I really believe she would ever call the cops on me and say I did something, no I don't but since she broke my trust with cheating I have to protect myself and keep the recording just in case. She probably said those things out of anger. Yeah they are bad things to say but she was desperate after I had her backed into a corner. So no, I don't have 100% trust, who would after she lied and cheated for 2 yrs. Why do I want to be with her? Well, in 19 months since the affair, she has been totally honest, gave me all her passwords to everything and I can check her stuff and her phone records and everything at random. I have not found one thing so I feel that trust can be rebuilt and I feel that she has been trying to rebuild my trust. She is almost too honest now, telling me she doesn't feel it sexually and doesn't know why, etc. That is the bigger issue at the forefront right now, why would I want to be with someone that doesn't feel it for me?
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Post by bballgirl on May 31, 2017 20:31:32 GMT -5
sd I am a bit at a loss here. You talked before about her bringing up a false abuse claim and thought she wouldn't do it because it wasn't in her interest to do so. And here you are saying you are keeping a recording of her as an insurance policy. That sounds like a very good idea, I am definitely not suggesting you get rid of it! But you clearly don't trust her at all to do something because it is right or because she has your best interests at heart. Why exactly would you ever want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust? Yeah, I guess you bring up a good point. I am at a point where she is earning my trust because of her affairs. I trust to now but of course I don't trust her 100% yet. Yes, she said that I raped her when she got mad and right after her affair. I believe she said it because she wanted to pull anything out in her arsenal that makes me look worse than her. So she pulls this out from 20 yrs ago. It was almost like yeah I cheated but you raped me and that's worse. I didn't rape her and it was sex that she allowed and it was no way worse than 2 yr affair. I think she knew what she had done was so bad, that she had to find something to make me look worse to get rid of her guilt. Then when we argued I made threats to take the kids and she countered with the "I'll say you hit me" line. These are her way of making false threats to make me feel guilty and to try and one up me and be even at the times we argued. Do I really believe she would ever call the cops on me and say I did something, no I don't but since she broke my trust with cheating I have to protect myself and keep the recording just in case. She probably said those things out of anger. Yeah they are bad things to say but she was desperate after I had her backed into a corner. So no, I don't have 100% trust, who would after she lied and cheated for 2 yrs. Why do I want to be with her? Well, in 19 months since the affair, she has been totally honest, gave me all her passwords to everything and I can check her stuff and her phone records and everything at random. I have not found one thing so I feel that trust can be rebuilt and I feel that she has been trying to rebuild my trust. She is almost too honest now, telling me she doesn't feel it sexually and doesn't know why, etc. That is the bigger issue at the forefront right now, why would I want to be with someone that doesn't feel it for me? That really is the issue. Now that I am out of my marriage and I look back I wonder why I stayed so long. Which is another thread on here and we all have our reasons. However at the end of the day or at the end of our lives when we look back we need to know that we did right by ourselves and by our children- that we did the best that we could, might not be "the best" but the best that we could. We owe nothing to someone that mistreats us but in reality how are we treating ourselves by staying in a loveless marriage? Set a timetable.
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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 31, 2017 21:41:38 GMT -5
Yeah, I guess you bring up a good point. I am at a point where she is earning my trust because of her affairs. I trust to now but of course I don't trust her 100% yet. Yes, she said that I raped her when she got mad and right after her affair. I believe she said it because she wanted to pull anything out in her arsenal that makes me look worse than her. So she pulls this out from 20 yrs ago. It was almost like yeah I cheated but you raped me and that's worse. I didn't rape her and it was sex that she allowed and it was no way worse than 2 yr affair. I think she knew what she had done was so bad, that she had to find something to make me look worse to get rid of her guilt. Then when we argued I made threats to take the kids and she countered with the "I'll say you hit me" line. These are her way of making false threats to make me feel guilty and to try and one up me and be even at the times we argued. Do I really believe she would ever call the cops on me and say I did something, no I don't but since she broke my trust with cheating I have to protect myself and keep the recording just in case. She probably said those things out of anger. Yeah they are bad things to say but she was desperate after I had her backed into a corner. So no, I don't have 100% trust, who would after she lied and cheated for 2 yrs. Why do I want to be with her? Well, in 19 months since the affair, she has been totally honest, gave me all her passwords to everything and I can check her stuff and her phone records and everything at random. I have not found one thing so I feel that trust can be rebuilt and I feel that she has been trying to rebuild my trust. She is almost too honest now, telling me she doesn't feel it sexually and doesn't know why, etc. That is the bigger issue at the forefront right now, why would I want to be with someone that doesn't feel it for me? That really is the issue. Now that I am out of my marriage and I look back I wonder why I stayed so long. Which is another thread on here and we all have our reasons. However at the end of the day or at the end of our lives when we look back we need to know that we did right by ourselves and by our children- that we did the best that we could, might not be "the best" but the best that we could. We owe nothing to someone that mistreats us but in reality how are we treating ourselves by staying in a loveless marriage? Set a timetable. Yes, I am definitely setting a time. I will go through the summer and see how it is. I fear looking back one day if I stay and regretting wasting my life with someone that wasn't into me.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 1, 2017 7:24:23 GMT -5
That really is the issue. Now that I am out of my marriage and I look back I wonder why I stayed so long. Which is another thread on here and we all have our reasons. However at the end of the day or at the end of our lives when we look back we need to know that we did right by ourselves and by our children- that we did the best that we could, might not be "the best" but the best that we could. We owe nothing to someone that mistreats us but in reality how are we treating ourselves by staying in a loveless marriage? Set a timetable. Yes, I am definitely setting a time. I will go through the summer and see how it is. I fear looking back one day if I stay and regretting wasting my life with someone that wasn't into me. Yes I understand, I refused to be that 60 year old person too that would say I should have left in my 40's.
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Post by baza on Jan 31, 2018 20:35:01 GMT -5
I'd love to know how this played out for you Brother sdiamond1026
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Post by doneanddone on Feb 1, 2018 8:14:22 GMT -5
Marriages in this group are self described as basically dysfunctional situations that have been dysfunctional for quite a while with one of the spouses sufficiently pissed off about it to seek - and join - this group. Totally unsurprisingly, as a side bar, there is no sex, or minimal sex or unsatisfactory sex. And, given the dysfunctional nature of the marriages presented here, the fact that there is a paucity of sex ought come as no big surprise to anyone. In fact, if you think about it, a dysfunctional marriage is not an environment conducive to a robust sex life. Quite the reverse applies. If you join here, it is a given that your sex life sucks. It is also the biggest symptom of the underlying dysfunctionality there is. So, count your annual roots if you like, and chase that magical "11 roots per annum" which suppossedly propels you out of the danger area of "0 to 10 roots per annum". It will not make one bit of difference to the underlying dysfunctionality of your deal. Most of the marriages here actually have fuck all to do with sex. Most of the marriages here attest to a basic incompatability between the spouses, and unsurprisingly, incompatable people don't fuck each other. Sex is the symptom, not the cause. Why can't it just be about sex.....? Is that to simple? Can there not be just the one problem - sex - or are we all supposed to buy into this mythical belief that sex is just a the tip of the iceberg for bigger problems? Someones dysfunctional lifestyle or situations just may very well be that persons norm. Your interpretation and perception of dysfunctional is different than someone else. We may all be comparing apples to apples or oranges to oranges but no two apples or no two oranges are identical in shape, size, color, or taste....
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 18:10:08 GMT -5
I think it can be just about the sex but, of course, it can also be a full-on shitshow where you are recording your spouse's crazy in case you need it later.
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2018 18:38:45 GMT -5
Out of all the 996 members here, there would have to be an instance (or instances) where the only issue is the sex Brother doneanddone . There'd have to be. Members narratives tell their own unique story. Many start their narrative at "everything is great bar the sex" (the most recent example - our newest member xander - who opens up with "everything is great bar the sex" then as it unfolds there is his missus' suspected addiction to cannibis, and suspected depression....so far) Or take the OP here on this very thread, Brother sdiamond1026 . There is a lot more going on there than just the sex. And the same thing you see in story after story. But would there be cases where it truly is "just the sex" ? Sure, there'd have to be.
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Post by doneanddone on Feb 1, 2018 19:56:44 GMT -5
Out of all the 996 members here, there would have to be an instance (or instances) where the only issue is the sex Brother doneanddone . There'd have to be. Members narratives tell their own unique story. Many start their narrative at "everything is great bar the sex" (the most recent example - our newest member xander - who opens up with "everything is great bar the sex" then as it unfolds there is his missus' suspected addiction to cannibis, and suspected depression....so far) Or take the OP here on this very thread, Brother sdiamond1026 . There is a lot more going on there than just the sex. And the same thing you see in story after story. But would there be cases where it truly is "just the sex" ? Sure, there'd have to be. don't get me wrong....i may come off a bit DB..ish but my purpose and reasons for even signing up and being part of this community is to find support, advice, and to be able to share my story and circumstances without judgment of obviously allowing my circumstances to lead me here. Everyone who comments on the threads I start has a unique perspective and gives me something to think about when I read them....Thomas Edison found over 1000 ways NOT to invent the light bulb and 1 way to do it successfully.... I'm at 999 with two to go! I appreciate everything you provide...its humbling and useful. Thanks brother!!!! I mean that with all sincerity.....
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Post by shamwow on Feb 1, 2018 20:48:32 GMT -5
Out of all the 996 members here, there would have to be an instance (or instances) where the only issue is the sex Brother doneanddone . There'd have to be. Members narratives tell their own unique story. Many start their narrative at "everything is great bar the sex" (the most recent example - our newest member xander - who opens up with "everything is great bar the sex" then as it unfolds there is his missus' suspected addiction to cannibis, and suspected depression....so far) Or take the OP here on this very thread, Brother sdiamond1026 . There is a lot more going on there than just the sex. And the same thing you see in story after story. But would there be cases where it truly is "just the sex" ? Sure, there'd have to be. Mine was all about the sex. Everything else was great. Then I woke up.
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