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Post by M2G on Nov 21, 2017 14:52:55 GMT -5
Well in my case I'm certainly not going to try and turn the SM around. At least not directly. End of day the relationship needs repair. Trust issues, and more. I don't believe this can ever be fixed by completing a bunch of self improvement tasks and and then saying: Hey Honey! Look what I just did! Wanna fuck???
My improvement regimen in just at baby steps. My wife is years beyond me in this and, to her credit, she never pushed me to change: just waited to see if it would ever happen. She has waited far too long IMO to see if her new self would ever get to meet a new me (if that makes any sense to you) and see if we're still compatable.
We are best friends and roommates. I'm good with that. I'm happy she didn't leave. I plan to continue what I'm doing, for my own sake. Maybe the relationship will evolve in a positive way, maybe it won't ever be fixable. More likely we have to build a new relationship from scratch.
For sure though, attempting to "restore" what we had would be both a pipe-dream and counterproductive - because that old relationship already crashed and burned, and the definition of futility is to keep doing the same things over and over, expecting different results.
Still having radical mood swings but taking extra care not to inflict the bad moods on my Wife (and anyone else for that matter).
I did notice one thing today: my flashbacks of my step "dad" have started to fade. He's being pushed out by my thinking about my wife 24-7. I really like that.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 21, 2017 15:33:13 GMT -5
I have yet to see a suggestion on ANY site that would have fixed my situation. When it comes down to twenty four years of trying and your spouse does not want to fuck you, the ratio of success is 0/1000. When you realize this, the odds drop to 0/10,000, which technically is still 0, any way you slice it. When you find a partner with chemistry, and feel the connection, your odds drop to 0/100,000, which, of course, is still 0.
I am pretty comfortable with the fact that this site has a low success rate. We are not dealing, typically, with the bashful newly-weds. We are dealing with the long term basket cases.
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Post by h on Nov 21, 2017 15:47:19 GMT -5
I have yet to see a suggestion on ANY site that would have fixed my situation. When it comes down to twenty four years of trying and your spouse does not want to fuck you, the ratio of success is 0/1000. When you realize this, the odds drop to 0/10,000, which technically is still 0, any way you slice it. When you find a partner with chemistry, and feel the connection, your odds drop to 0/100,000, which, of course, is still 0. I am pretty comfortable with the fact that this site has a low success rate. We are not dealing, typically, with the bashful newly-weds. We are dealing with the long term basket cases. Very true. Although, by our own reconning, that makes us a skewed sample that is not representative of the general population. If we include all the lurkers who glean wisdom from our discussion and apply it to benefit their marriages, that could change the results. Because we are a self-reported group, it is inherently biased.
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 21, 2017 18:24:05 GMT -5
There is no doubt that the difference in expectations creates the difference in outcomes. One side wants the marriage healed and may settle for sub-par results in order to get there. One side wants things to get good and will not settle for half-assed results. It is my observation that everyone thinks they are superior. Charles Dawkins is a pretty judgemental son of a bitch, and a noted atheist. Muslim cultures discriminate against non-Muslims and even have derogatory words describing unbelievers. Hindus get violent and upset with belief systems that insist that they cannot just add their exclusive monotheistic god to their pantheon. I'm not so concerned about what belief system a jackass has. If they want to be judgemental, they will find justification for it. Love it. Amen. Can I get a witness !!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 21, 2017 18:34:33 GMT -5
DIVORCE and the BIBLE
The Old Testament is clear - Divorce is perfectly acceptable
Deuteronomy 24:1 If a man marries a woman and she does not please him because he has found something offensive 1 in her, then he may draw up a divorce document, give it to her, and evict her from his house.
There is no debate Divorce is allowed for anything "offensive" and sexless marriage seems perfectly legitimate to me.
The New Testament is also clear. Jesus stated unequivocally that “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her." and Same for Woman. Mark 10:2-12.
So basically Jews can still divorce but not anyone buying into the New Testament.
One cannot call oneself a compliant Christian and divorce.
And "ADULTERY" is a violation of course of one of the ten commandments.
Somehow Protestants have been able to navigate the clear and unequivocal words of Jesus in Mark and allow divorce. The Vatican allows "Nullification of Marriage".
I am not judging anyone but if the Bible says something and you do not follow-up. then how Christian are you really?
Now the best response to that is by today standards it is IMPOSSIBLE to be a "Fundamentalist" and follow everything in the Bible.
The Bible clearly allows for Slavery. Killing of ones own children for disobedience etc. There are countless rules and so on in the Bible that would put anyone in prison or be considered barbarous.
So what? To each his own.
Follow your heart? I dont know.
That is my three cents.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2017 20:11:23 GMT -5
I’m confused because this is an old thread. Forestsoul, are you the former EarthHorse? Or another member, same problem? No, I've always been Forestsoul. I have a few posts in other threads, not this particular one. I had a different view of my situation in previous posts as the childhood trauma had not fully come to light, but the effects of it were very present. We both have a much better understanding now of what we are dealing with. I kinda jumped right into this thread to offer my updated story. Well kudos to you for trying to work through this difficult issue. In my book, that scores big points for you. Even post-SM, if you get to that point. You’ll look back and be able to say you left no stone unturned.
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Post by lwoetin on Nov 22, 2017 2:43:48 GMT -5
DIVORCE and the BIBLE The Old Testament is clear - Divorce is perfectly acceptable Deuteronomy 24:1 If a man marries a woman and she does not please him because he has found something offensive 1 in her, then he may draw up a divorce document, give it to her, and evict her from his house. There is no debate Divorce is allowed for anything "offensive" and sexless marriage seems perfectly legitimate to me. The New Testament is also clear. Jesus stated unequivocally that “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her." and Same for Woman. Mark 10:2-12. So basically Jews can still divorce but not anyone buying into the New Testament. One cannot call oneself a compliant Christian and divorce. And "ADULTERY" is a violation of course of one of the ten commandments. Somehow Protestants have been able to navigate the clear and unequivocal words of Jesus in Mark and allow divorce. The Vatican allows "Nullification of Marriage". I am not judging anyone but if the Bible says something and you do not follow-up. then how Christian are you really? Now the best response to that is by today standards it is IMPOSSIBLE to be a "Fundamentalist" and follow everything in the Bible. The Bible clearly allows for Slavery. Killing of ones own children for disobedience etc. There are countless rules and so on in the Bible that would put anyone in prison or be considered barbarous. So what? To each his own. Follow your heart? I dont know. That is my three cents. the message I get at church is that one should try to be a better Christian. It's a lifetime effort for all sinners (members). There are divorced Catholics in church and hopefully they feel welcome.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 22, 2017 5:00:20 GMT -5
ironhamster - I think you meant Richard Dawkins - not Charles Dawkins - though that's an interesting conflation. Charles Darwin, for all his human relationship faults, was a much more considerate soul than Richard Dawkins. I've been in the room with Dawkins once and wanted to punch his lights out. He's a grade 1 asshole. I was raised Christian and though I'm no longer a believer, I still see tremendous value in the experience and understand that others still feel value in it. I don't like mocking people for their religious beliefs, but at the same time I'm not a lesser human being nor a less moral and ethical human for not being religious. I've done things that violate strictures of Christianity, but also my own morals. But I'm not less well behaved because I'm not a believer. As to the likelihood of an SM going to fucky fucky sucky sucky - meh, I think it's almost impossible. But hey ANYTHING is possible. I think the probability of someone who's had CSA rediscovering their sexuality is definitely non-zero. But I think people who are sex avoidant because of trauma are unlikely to have a chosen a life partner that they can't keep their hands off. They will have chosen someone safe and non-threatening. That means that they may love you with all their heart, but they're unlikely to love you with all their passion. But hey, anything is possible. And there's merit in reaching the 'no-stone-unturned', I had to.
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Post by M2G on Nov 22, 2017 5:17:10 GMT -5
...I am not judging anyone but if the Bible says something and you do not follow-up. then how Christian are you really? Jesus gave 2 commandments: Love God above all others, and love your neighbor as yourself. To be that, and truly live that, is a lifetime of work. You don't need to believe in God, to adhere to the second part. I do not waste my time splitting hairs over the old testament. One can use that text to justify just about any action, good or ill. Strip away the water walking, raising the dead, loaves & fishes and all of that (superstitious) embellishment - leave just words of the man. To me that should be enough for anyone to strive for.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 22, 2017 9:39:58 GMT -5
elkclan2, good catch. I am at fault. Thank you for the correction.
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 22, 2017 9:48:14 GMT -5
...I am not judging anyone but if the Bible says something and you do not follow-up. then how Christian are you really? Jesus gave 2 commandments: Love God above all others, and love your neighbor as yourself. To be that, and truly live that, is a lifetime of work. You don't need to believe in God, to adhere to the second part. I do not waste my time splitting hairs over the old testament. One can use that text to justify just about any action, good or ill. Strip away the water walking, raising the dead, loaves & fishes and all of that (superstitious) embellishment - leave just words of the man. To me that should be enough for anyone to strive for. Well if you are crazy enough to seriously study Catholic Dogma ( I was) - then it seems just about everyone is going to Hell. I appreciate your comments.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 22, 2017 10:01:11 GMT -5
elkclan2 , good catch. I am at fault. Thank you for the correction. Sorry - I've just been to Charles Darwin's house recently (twice! - long story!) and might be going a 3rd time soon. It's worth one visit, I reckon, if you're in the area.
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Post by forestsoul on Dec 3, 2017 23:55:39 GMT -5
Unfortunately this revelation lowers your chance of success dramatically. I’ve never heard of a case of sexless with csa getting fixed. As per usual, I am not in agreement with this. I've written about another forum, and about the people there who have a better success with turning their marriages around. On that board, there are posters with all sorts of backstories, and I learned that one poster there, was the forum's go-to maven for marriages recovering from sexual abuse, childhood or otherwise. I learned that she had to work extremely hard to overcome the abuse she suffered as a child, in order to achieve a healthy sexlife for her and her husband. When the topic was broached in the Comments section of my blog, I asked her to respond to someone who was dealing with that issue (I got nothin', when it comes to overcoming past abuse), and she came through. To see what she wrote, go to the comments section of this blog post and read the long comment by Robin. If you are interested in researching her and others that she has counselled on another forum, I can PM info about the forum that she inhabits. Thanks for sharing csl! The replies from Robin on that page relate to what I'm going through, though my wife and I are about a year into counselling. It's been tough and we have little blowups, but we always seem to end up embracing and recommitting to move forward together. csl, I would love a PM about that other forum as I'm in the process of establishing my own support system and resources seem scarce for these situations. Thanks! 👍
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