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Post by driftingdad on Feb 14, 2019 6:31:48 GMT -5
I am a married father of 2 and stepfather to 1. My wife is in he same boat. We both were previously married once, had a child each from those marriages, and now have a third together. We have been together since 2007, save for a two-and-a-half-year separation. We have been back together since 2013 and were never divorced, but both dated other people. I could type pages of our story. I don't want to bore anyone or overexplain. I do want to lay out the basic relevant facts and say enough to feel "vented" after typing.
It has been over a year and a half since we had any intimate contact whatsoever. We have had intercourse three times in the last 4 years. Once was somewhat meaningful, the other two mechanical. I literally felt regretful after it was over each time like I had caved or given up on something. How effed up is that?! To feel guilty or defeated after having had mutual intercourse with your spouse!? I never could imagine feeling this alone being surrounded by people all the time.
I love my wife. I want us to be happy again (if we ever truly were?). I am emotionally exhausted. I am strong, and I can deal with a lot and for long periods of time. However, the idea of living out my life in this current state of emotional isolation leaves me feeling hopeless. I make the money work every day, hoping that one day my ship will come in or I will invent the thing or start the business that makes money a non-issue for us. I go to the job I dislike hoping it is just a short-term portion to a long-term plan of starting a business. I spend every moment I'm awake with my family knowing all to well how quickly time goes by and kids grow up instead of doing other things or having a social life. The point is that in almost every aspect of my life, I readily endure temporary obstacles or setbacks knowing or hoping that they are just small parts of a bigger picture and that one day I will be glad I was able to persevere through them (or make the most of them, in terms of spending time with my kids). However, the longer my relationship with my wife goes on like this, it seems the harder it will be to fix it. I already feel scarred. I already feel irreparably hardened. This isn't me, but it is who I am now. I do not see a way to fix this, but my imaginative heart still carries on every day hoping things will be different. Is it foolish of me to carry on this way?
Hopefully spending some time on this site will help. I have attempted to confide in coworkers (I have no close friends), but no one believes me or can relate at all. I'm the oldest in my small work group, including my supervisor, and they are the only people I interact with on a normal basis beside my immediate family.
Thanks for any advice/support you can offer.
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Post by isthisit on Feb 14, 2019 10:27:21 GMT -5
Hello driftingdad welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. While of course your experiences are unique to you and your situation, there is much which is reflected in our collective experiences, so you are amongst understanding friends here. The frustration, isolation, bewilderment (how did I end up here?) amongst other emotions... personally I’m familiar with them all. Please read and reflect on our parallel journeys, I hope it is as helpful for you as it has been for me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2019 12:55:49 GMT -5
I am a married father of 2 and stepfather to 1. My wife is in he same boat. We both were previously married once, had a child each from those marriages, and now have a third together. We have been together since 2007, save for a two-and-a-half-year separation. We have been back together since 2013 and were never divorced, but both dated other people. I could type pages of our story. I don't want to bore anyone or overexplain. I do want to lay out the basic relevant facts and say enough to feel "vented" after typing. It has been over a year and a half since we had any intimate contact whatsoever. We have had intercourse three times in the last 4 years. Once was somewhat meaningful, the other two mechanical. I literally felt regretful after it was over each time like I had caved or given up on something. How effed up is that?! To feel guilty or defeated after having had mutual intercourse with your spouse!? I never could imagine feeling this alone being surrounded by people all the time. I love my wife. I want us to be happy again (if we ever truly were?). I am emotionally exhausted. I am strong, and I can deal with a lot and for long periods of time. However, the idea of living out my life in this current state of emotional isolation leaves me feeling hopeless. I make the money work every day, hoping that one day my ship will come in or I will invent the thing or start the business that makes money a non-issue for us. I go to the job I dislike hoping it is just a short-term portion to a long-term plan of starting a business. I spend every moment I'm awake with my family knowing all to well how quickly time goes by and kids grow up instead of doing other things or having a social life. The point is that in almost every aspect of my life, I readily endure temporary obstacles or setbacks knowing or hoping that they are just small parts of a bigger picture and that one day I will be glad I was able to persevere through them (or make the most of them, in terms of spending time with my kids). However, the longer my relationship with my wife goes on like this, it seems the harder it will be to fix it. I already feel scarred. I already feel irreparably hardened. This isn't me, but it is who I am now. I do not see a way to fix this, but my imaginative heart still carries on every day hoping things will be different. Is it foolish of me to carry on this way? Hopefully spending some time on this site will help. I have attempted to confide in coworkers (I have no close friends), but no one believes me or can relate at all. I'm the oldest in my small work group, including my supervisor, and they are the only people I interact with on a normal basis beside my immediate family. Thanks for any advice/support you can offer. Welcome and condolences .... yes, many of the same emotions and questions. Ask questions, follow along, and see if anything you find here helps. We are all in the same boat - just in different parts of the world it seems.
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Post by baza on Feb 15, 2019 20:01:45 GMT -5
It reads like you do not have much of a support network Brother driftingdad . This group might be able to partially help in this regard, but there is nothing like a real live person you can eyeball and talk to. If they happen to have some level of expertise (like a counsellor for example) then so much the better. If your present environment contains no such person(s) you can confide in, then that is something that you can do something about ..... start cultivating some new friends, and out of those there will likely emerge someone you hit it off with and a level of mutual support may emerge. Meantime, you could do worse than seek out a personal professional counsellor / mentor to help you sort your way through the assorted issues you are dealing with. The feeling of isolation that comes with these situations is bloody awful, but the membership here know where you're coming from. You do NOT *have* to be isolated....but it may require you to get yourself out of your comfort zone to address this particular matter.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 15, 2019 20:21:34 GMT -5
drifting dad said: "Hopefully spending some time on this site will help. I have attempted to confide in coworkers (I have no close friends), but no one believes me or can relate at all. I'm the oldest in my small work group, including my supervisor, and they are the only people I interact with on a normal basis beside my immediate family.:"
I agree with Baza that you can address your isolation by counseling as well as cultivating some real friends -- people outside of your workplace. Getting a counselor is a first step. Cultivating some nonwork/family activities of your own (without your wife) is another step. Whether it's becoming a volunteer for an organization or cause you believe in or taking a class or joining a Meetup group that interests you -- any of these things will help you develop supports and relationships that don't rely on your wife. This will boost your confidence, too. It takes time, so have patience with yourself, but do have the patience to step by step take the actions that will allow you to develop friendships and pursue interests other than work and family. This also is a wonderful support group that you're fortunate to have discovered while in your SM.
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Post by dsprthusband on Feb 17, 2019 7:45:34 GMT -5
I suppose it is selfish of me to admit that there is a forum such as this. I don't wish a sm on anyone; but, it helps to know I am not alone. For years, I honestly thought that I was the only person in the world with this problem. I mean who would stay in such a marriage other than me? I was happy to find EP several years ago. I met some very nice, supportive people there. Most eventually moved on and rebuilt their lives. I was happy for them. Though we never met, I considered them as friends. The problem with EP was that there were also those who simply criticized. I was glad to read that such posts are not permitted here. I was also glad to see that EP is mentioned. With its demise, I found SW but the atmosphere there was quite different. The discouraged references to EP. Having bored you with all of that, I guess I will introduce myself. We had a good marriage until she got pregnant. She told me that sex was painful so, naturally, I never brought up the topic. After the baby was born, she had severe postpartum depression which caused a lot of damage. I took care of my son; she wouldn't touch him. She became verbally abusive and I tried to help her through what I thought would be a temporary state. Well, my son is 21 and we haven't had sex since. I have gone through many incarnations of responses: I left, but couldn't stand the thought of being without my son. I talked about divorce but the same problem applied. I was only out of the house for one day and I couldn't stand the thought of being without him. I thought that when he went off to school, I might have another chance to leave but by then we had both lost our parents and we supported each other. This restored an emotional bond but not a physical one. If you are here, you understand that it is never as easy as just leaving. It's complicated. Once in a while, I will initiate flirtation and think that this might lead to intimacy. At times, she has even said, maybe later, but, invariably, she is has a headache when the time comes. In some ways I have come to accept our present state but then there are days like yesterday when she intimated something might happen only to fall asleep. I am reminded of sex in every movie, tv show, commercial, and with every couple I see. Why is a sexual relationship so easy for so many people but not for me? As I said, I am in a place right now where we are friendly; we love each other, and I am not thinking of leaving. I just get lonely and this is clearly not a conversation I can have with anyone I know, so, I took the suggestion from someone on SW and found this forum. I can relate to people without people pretending to be someone else or asking for pics. I feel better already. I guess I needed to write my feelings and take a chance again. If you are still reading this long narrative, thanks for listening.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Feb 17, 2019 8:59:42 GMT -5
Hi dsprthusband, I remember your user name from EP; there are quite a few of us who migrated here. I hope you find this a supportive place to share and get some support!
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 17, 2019 11:18:36 GMT -5
welcome deprthusband…...I am not sure I remember you from EP but I am glad some at SW (?) pointed you in this direction. I think you will see a few old monikers here that you might recognize. This is a pretty empathetic and understanding bunch, with just the occasional doze of tough love when it seems to be needed. I am always amazed to read about SM's that have been going on for decades. I was extremely fortunate in that mine was relatively short, only a couple years of why chasing before I reached "deal breaker status". Having stayed for decades It seems to me somewhat unlikely you are of a mindset to think in terms of ever leaving. You love this woman but I wonder if you talked it out with her, if it wouldn't be possible to find some other means of still having a satisfying sex life.
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Post by Handy on Feb 17, 2019 13:23:18 GMT -5
Welcome Deprthusband.
I understand your position on not wanting to up set the apple-cart but suggest that you employ a high caliber counselor. Something that has gone on 21 years most likely won't change with just the 2 of you working on the issues. It sounds lie conflict avoidance.
What is the full name of the SW website?
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Post by baza on Feb 17, 2019 13:45:28 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Brother dsprthusband . As a former EP member you'd probably remember the 3 options you had at that time. They haven't changed.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2019 13:52:52 GMT -5
What is SW?
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 17, 2019 15:17:56 GMT -5
SW = SimilarWorlds
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Post by Handy on Feb 17, 2019 16:55:24 GMT -5
SimilarWorlds OK seems like random post. I didn't join.
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Post by woodsman on Feb 19, 2019 7:49:58 GMT -5
Greetings all. I'm glad I found this group. I thought I was ready to share my situation with a group that would understand it but its turning out to be harder than I expected. So, here I go ... I'm a 60 year old male, married 28 years [my second, her first] We work together in a family business ..... together 24/7. Our marriage is great except for the lack of sex...... which is why we're all her right.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Feb 19, 2019 10:16:29 GMT -5
Greetings all. I'm glad I found this group. I thought I was ready to share my situation with a group that would understand it but its turning out to be harder than I expected. So, here I go ... I'm a 60 year old male, married 28 years [my second, her first] We work together in a family business ..... together 24/7. Our marriage is great except for the lack of sex...... which is why we're all her right. Welcome woodsman. It is hard to share at first, but you’ve found a safe space here. Folks are empathetic and advice is given from a place of experience and with best interests at heart. Sorry you find yourself here, but you’re in good company.
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