mar615
New Member
It has been a long time since I have been here and posted. I am still in a SM, going on 4 years!
Posts: 8
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Post by mar615 on Feb 19, 2019 21:06:22 GMT -5
Here goes. My husband and I are approaching 12 years of marriage. I am also in a sexless marriage. What irks me to no end is that it is my husband that doesn't want sex, not me. So the theory that it is always the woman who withholds sex is a joke. I love it when people say they can't wait to get married so they can have sex whenever they want. That is such BS. So, our marriage always had very little sex, maybe once a month. The sex has become less and less frequent and is now practically nonexistent. Now, we have extenuating circumstances. My husband has Peyronie's Disease, which causes his penis to bend into a 90 degree angle when erect. This has caused him great depression and I have begged him for YEARS to get help for this issue and resulting depression. But he won't talk about it. He is basically non-communicative. I too have depression but I take meds and talk about it. He is like a brick wall. I have a sex drive, but I have given up having sex with him. I have also been given the green light to begin an affair with my former boyfriend, who is also is a sexless marriage and is separated from his wife of 25 years. I have not acted on it and don't plan to. The ex is also 3 hours away. Now I am just looking up rentals and houses for sale because I want to leave. The only thing keeping me here is that leaving would destroy him. I know he loves me but I can't get past the sexlessness and his passive aggressiveness. We have also slept in different bedrooms for 8 + years now, due to his snoring, kicking, etc. He does not want to be tested for sleep apnea or restless leg. I frankly like sleeping alone and I sleep much better.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 19, 2019 23:43:44 GMT -5
mar615. I too was in a sexless marriage not of my choosing. We had a great sex life it was killed by a porn addiction. Which also lead to ED which he refused to get help for. I also stayed because he struggled with depression and I knew he needed me. I finally grew so resentful I didn't like myself. I finally left June of 2017. He took it poorly and still is. But besides his constant manipulative emails I'm so happy. I will say the EP version of this site( a lot of the same people) really helped me. I thought men always wanted sex that it has to be me. I found a lot of women in the same boat. Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to as the saying goes.
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2019 0:03:57 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister mar615 . It would seem that you have also discovered some bullshit views held by the wider community - that ALL men want sex and ALL women withold it - so you are well on the way to uncover more bullshit. Keep reading in here is my suggestion.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 20, 2019 9:00:43 GMT -5
Greetings all. I'm glad I found this group. I thought I was ready to share my situation with a group that would understand it but its turning out to be harder than I expected. So, here I go ... I'm a 60 year old male, married 28 years [my second, her first] We work together in a family business ..... together 24/7. Our marriage is great except for the lack of sex...... which is why we're all her right. It's difficult to put much together that might be helpful given the small amount of info in this post. However from years spent on the old EP site and here it has been found that after the original post gets expanded to provide more info the statement that "our marriage is great except for the sex" is seldom the actual state of the relationship. Generally the sexless aspect of the relationship is just the 600lb. gorilla in the room, along with a # of other dysfunctional traits that are glossed over by the lack of sex.
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Post by flashjohn on Feb 21, 2019 10:00:51 GMT -5
The only thing keeping me here is that leaving would destroy him. I know he loves me but I can't get past the sexlessness and his passive aggressiveness. We have also slept in different bedrooms for 8 + years now, due to his snoring, kicking, etc. He does not want to be tested for sleep apnea or restless leg. I frankly like sleeping alone and I sleep much better. Your post really resonated for me. It is very nice of you to to consider that your leaving may hurt him, but you also have to remember that his abusive treatment of you is really hurting you. As for whether he loves you, I am not sure that he does or he would be seeking treatment for his conditions that are harmful to you. My refuser cut me off for 6 years before I finally had enough. Please realize that if you choose to leave or stay, you will find support her.
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mar615
New Member
It has been a long time since I have been here and posted. I am still in a SM, going on 4 years!
Posts: 8
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Post by mar615 on Feb 21, 2019 16:45:58 GMT -5
So this term "refuser" keeps popping up. It is strange that I now do not want to have sex with my husband. For me, it is emotional. When I am always angry with him, it a libido killer. So sometimes I feel like I am a refuser, too. Occasionally my H will say that we should try to have sex, and make a date. Then I feel pressure and I know that when his Pyronies kicks in, he will get upset and give up. Forget about my needs. So now we walk around getting household duties done but I feel nothing for him sexually or emotionally. We have gone to counseling but he doesn't like the counselor. I basically gave him an ultimatum. Go to counseling, try anti depressants, or we will separate. I deal with depression and take meds, exercise, and socialize with my lady friends. What a God saver. Living with a depressed person sucks the air out of the room. I feel like the longer we go on, the move our lives separate. Very sad. Our anniversary is in a month. We will probably try to have sex, and he will get frustrated with the Pyronies and disappointment will set in. Also, I love my H very much. He is a great cook and treats me well, except for his passive aggressiveness when it comes to shutting my out of his emotional life.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 21, 2019 17:33:14 GMT -5
It happens often that we become the refuser in some regards. I got to the point I didn't want sex because it felt like servicing and emotionally I felt nothing for him but anger. Eventually I refused any kind of affection too. I refuse to be fake and give something I don't feel. Figured if he could unilaterally end our sex life and turn us into roommates I can make unilateral decisions too. I once told a friend I would rather be staked to the yard naked and let strangers take turns with me then force myself to endure the emotional torture of failed pity sex. You will find it happens to a lot of people.
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Post by baza on Feb 21, 2019 17:37:53 GMT -5
"I basically gave him an ultimatum" - you say Sister mar615 . Now if this ultimatum was based on you having a rock solid plan about what you would do (and how you would do it) should he call your bluff, it could be the catalyst to shake the thing up and get it moving forward to its' destination....whatever that might be. But if you were bullshitting, and he does nothing and you in turn do not hold him to account, then all you've done is shred your cred. It is imperative in these 'negotiation' parts of the picture that you do NOT say anything that you are not prepared to do. Welcome to the zoo Sister mar615 .
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Post by flashjohn on Feb 22, 2019 17:51:15 GMT -5
When I am always angry with him, it a libido killer. So sometimes I feel like I am a refuser, too. Occasionally my H will say that we should try to have sex, and make a date. Then I feel pressure and I know that when his Pyronies kicks in, he will get upset and give up. Forget about my needs. Well, it sounds to me that after long term sexual refusal, you are starting to lose attraction towards him. Before my Ex-refuser cut me off completely, I had to think of someone else on the rare occasions that we did have sex.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 23, 2019 9:04:11 GMT -5
Occasionally my H will say that we should try to have sex, and make a date. Then I feel pressure and I know that when his Pyronies kicks in, he will get upset and give up. Our anniversary is in a month. We will probably try to have sex, and he will get frustrated with the Pyronies and disappointment will set in. . This may be worthless to you but maybe not. There are other ways to be sexually active other than PIV. You can masturbate each other. There is my personal favorite, oral sex. (Well actually oral sex is in a neck and neck race with anal sex, but anal in probably out for the 2 of you). Your H seems to be still interested in sex. That's a good sign. But since he is so embarrassed about the Pyronines disease if it were me, I would call his physician and make him aware of this information. Perhaps if his doctor brought up the subject along with possible treatment options, your H might be juxtaposed to listen.
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Post by Handy on Feb 23, 2019 16:11:18 GMT -5
How much help is there for a man with Pyronines disease? I thought not much could be done for the condition.
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Post by jonsmyth on Feb 24, 2019 5:37:48 GMT -5
My husband and I have been together since 2009, and married since 2012. Our relationship started off with a bang, after chatting online and by phone for over a month. We were having sex at least three times a day while living in FL. He told me that if I couldn’t keep up with him sexually, I should leave. I was always ready, willing, and able when he wanted it.
In 2012 he accepted a corporate position with his company, and we moved to NJ. That’s when the sex became non-existent. He was working long hours and said he was too tired. Yet I would catch him masturbating to porn. (Now I consider myself lucky if we have sex twice a year - our birthdays while we are on vacation.) At first he stated that he was the one with the issue. That he was getting older (he’s five years younger than me - 52), he can’t maintain an erection with me, and he always has an issue with his back or a leg cramp when he’s supposed to be in the lead or on-top. Now if the issue is brought up, he gets mad and says I want too much from him. I brought up his continued masturbation to porn, and having to wash the clothes he used to wipe up his mess, and how I can hear him when he thinks I’m asleep. That made him more mad. So I told him I wouldn’t bring it up ever again.
I’ve wondered if I wasn’t sexy enough, or thought I would try and spice things up. I bought clothing, put it on, and he just laughed and said, “what the hell is that. Take it off.” I bought nipple clamps and other items, and he freaked out. We watched “Frankie & Grace” where the husbands decide to open their marriage, and he was silent. Then I found out his ex in CA has an open marriage, and he went off on how they never work and that he believes only in monogamy.
So I’m not sure what I want to do. I have fantasized about having an affair or a FWB and not telling him. I have received compliments and offers from other men and not shared them with him. I keep saving myself, hoping he will want to be intimate on the weekend. He gets me excited with heavy foreplay, and then rolls away from me and goes to sleep, leaving me wondering, WTF.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 24, 2019 15:11:13 GMT -5
Unfortunately using porn a lot can cause ED issues. That's what killed my sex life and marriage. I also thought it was me. Because we went from hot and heavy to he was too busy surfing porn to come to bed. And when I moved on from hurt and mad to not caring he attempted ( half ass) to fix it but was too late and he didn't want to fix it bad enough to totally give up porn or see a doctor about it. He also went from it's him not me to basically accusing me if being a nympho that couldn't accept that he is getting older and things don't work. Yet he was able to take care of himself in front of the computer.
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Post by sadkat on Feb 24, 2019 19:51:06 GMT -5
jonsmyth- things will only get worse from here. It is extremely rare for men who are addicted to porn to desire their wives again. Those who are successful have undergone counseling with sex therapists. Even then, it’s a constant struggle to stay away from porn. I’ve dealt with this issue for over 20 years- always hoping but constantly devastated when he chose porn over me. I’ve given up and am executing my exit plan. Don’t wait as long as I did. It’s not worth it.
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 1, 2019 19:21:23 GMT -5
How much help is there for a man with Pyronines disease? I thought not much could be done for the condition. There is as yet no specific "cure" for the condition. There are several treatment approaches. One is stretching the penis using a mechanical devise for extended periods. Several medications show promise as do some OTC supplements, CoQ10 and acetyl l carotene. Surgery is the last option, Implants such as those used for impedance and ED help prevent the penis from bending. There's more if you just google Pyronines Condition.
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