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Post by baza on Feb 7, 2019 23:53:40 GMT -5
I remember your handle Sister angeleyes65 but not your full story. Welcome. I was bazzar on the old EP group.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 8, 2019 0:04:58 GMT -5
I remember your handle Sister angeleyes65 but not your full story. Welcome. I was bazzar on the old EP group. I remember you too!
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 8, 2019 0:05:53 GMT -5
I remember your handle Sister angeleyes65 but not your full story. Welcome. I was bazzar on the old EP group. I remember your handle too!
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Post by beautifulmess on Feb 9, 2019 16:04:33 GMT -5
Hello! Long time reader first time poster. My marriage isn’t entirely sexless, it was 8 times last year. I started Keeping a calendar. So far for 2019 it’s zero. I’m almost certain the lack of interest is caused by alcoholism. He drinks until drunk every night. When he’s drunk he can’t Orgasim which is embarrassing to him so he avoids sex all together. Whenever I bring it up its the same thing. He gets mad and denfensive and says I’m exaggerating he doesn’t drink that much and it’s not been that long (sex) and then storms off and sleeps in the guest room. He’s convinced I’m being dramatic, which is why I started keeping a calendar. It’s always a big explosive reaction with yelling and breaking things so I rarely bring it up. However, he then realizes I’m upset the next day and will not drink long enough to have sex. He’ll promise things will change and then nothing ever does. It’s a cycle. Aside from that he’s actually a pretty good guy which is why I stay. We have 3 small kids and he is a good dad. He doesn’t drink in front of them but as soon as they go to bed he can’t crack one fast enough. When he’s sober he’s really charismatic, incredibly intelligent and very caring. Deep down he knows he’s jeopardizing our relationship and tries really hard to distract me by constantly doing nice things for me. He’ll cook dinner, bring me breakfast in bed, randomly show up with my favorite Starbucks order, send me flowers, chocolates just because. Shower me with compliments and he never complains about anything I do. He’s always very supportive of any idea I have, he is always on board with me going out with my mom friends. He is the primary bread winner and he’s very successful so I’m quite comfortable. Aside from the no sex thing the subsequent temper flare up our relationship is pretty good. It’s a rock and a hard place because i know I’d be happier but I dont want to mess up the children. They live in a nice house, go to private school and are used to me always being there (stay at home mom) plus my h and I are pretty good at pretending to be happy in front of them. I guess i just needed to vent. I could Never tell anyone I actually know IRL. Thanks for reading.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2019 17:42:11 GMT -5
Hello! Long time reader first time poster. My marriage isn’t entirely sexless, it was 8 times last year. I started Keeping a calendar. So far for 2019 it’s zero. I’m almost certain the lack of interest is caused by alcoholism. He drinks until drunk every night. When he’s drunk he can’t Orgasim which is embarrassing to him so he avoids sex all together. Whenever I bring it up its the same thing. He gets mad and denfensive and says I’m exaggerating he doesn’t drink that much and it’s not been that long (sex) and then storms off and sleeps in the guest room. He’s convinced I’m being dramatic, which is why I started keeping a calendar. It’s always a big explosive reaction with yelling and breaking things so I rarely bring it up. However, he then realizes I’m upset the next day and will not drink long enough to have sex. He’ll promise things will change and then nothing ever does. It’s a cycle. Aside from that he’s actually a pretty good guy which is why I stay. We have 3 small kids and he is a good dad. He doesn’t drink in front of them but as soon as they go to bed he can’t crack one fast enough. When he’s sober he’s really charismatic, incredibly intelligent and very caring. Deep down he knows he’s jeopardizing our relationship and tries really hard to distract me by constantly doing nice things for me. He’ll cook dinner, bring me breakfast in bed, randomly show up with my favorite Starbucks order, send me flowers, chocolates just because. Shower me with compliments and he never complains about anything I do. He’s always very supportive of any idea I have, he is always on board with me going out with my mom friends. He is the primary bread winner and he’s very successful so I’m quite comfortable. Aside from the no sex thing the subsequent temper flare up our relationship is pretty good. It’s a rock and a hard place because i know I’d be happier but I dont want to mess up the children. They live in a nice house, go to private school and are used to me always being there (stay at home mom) plus my h and I are pretty good at pretending to be happy in front of them. I guess i just needed to vent. I could Never tell anyone I actually know IRL. Thanks for reading. Welcome and good luck to you. I hope you find what you need in this Forum. As a recovering alcoholic myself (sober 33 years now) I would say it seems there's a big issue right in front of you, perhaps a bigger one than an SM. I will hope you find comfort in venting, ideas of things to try, and ways to care for yourself by having a host of understanding people here to talk to.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 10, 2019 19:08:37 GMT -5
Hello! Long time reader first time poster. My marriage isn’t entirely sexless, it was 8 times last year. I started Keeping a calendar. So far for 2019 it’s zero. I’m almost certain the lack of interest is caused by alcoholism. He drinks until drunk every night. When he’s drunk he can’t Orgasim which is embarrassing to him so he avoids sex all together. Whenever I bring it up its the same thing. He gets mad and denfensive and says I’m exaggerating he doesn’t drink that much and it’s not been that long (sex) and then storms off and sleeps in the guest room. He’s convinced I’m being dramatic, which is why I started keeping a calendar. It’s always a big explosive reaction with yelling and breaking things so I rarely bring it up. However, he then realizes I’m upset the next day and will not drink long enough to have sex. He’ll promise things will change and then nothing ever does. It’s a cycle. Aside from that he’s actually a pretty good guy which is why I stay. We have 3 small kids and he is a good dad. He doesn’t drink in front of them but as soon as they go to bed he can’t crack one fast enough. When he’s sober he’s really charismatic, incredibly intelligent and very caring. Deep down he knows he’s jeopardizing our relationship and tries really hard to distract me by constantly doing nice things for me. He’ll cook dinner, bring me breakfast in bed, randomly show up with my favorite Starbucks order, send me flowers, chocolates just because. Shower me with compliments and he never complains about anything I do. He’s always very supportive of any idea I have, he is always on board with me going out with my mom friends. He is the primary bread winner and he’s very successful so I’m quite comfortable. Aside from the no sex thing the subsequent temper flare up our relationship is pretty good. It’s a rock and a hard place because i know I’d be happier but I dont want to mess up the children. They live in a nice house, go to private school and are used to me always being there (stay at home mom) plus my h and I are pretty good at pretending to be happy in front of them. I guess i just needed to vent. I could Never tell anyone I actually know IRL. Thanks for reading. It's understandable, that you would "never tell anyone you know in real life" however you are heading down a slippery slope of deceit, lies and false hope. There are people who you don't know, near you, who can offer you help, and guidance. An Alcoholics recovery group would be a good place for you to start. That and even a divorce recovery group, to give you an understanding of what your relationship truly is. How one sided it has become.
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Post by baza on Feb 10, 2019 19:43:06 GMT -5
You may well think that you and your spouse are - "pretty good at pretending to be happy in front of them (the kids)"
But unless your kids are very unobservant (which is pretty unlikely) they will know that 'something ain't right' even if they don't know exactly what's wrong.
Your story reads like your spouse is a high functioning alcoholic, and that the lack of sex may well have that - alcoholism - as the major problem with the lack of sex being a prime symptom rather than "the" main problem.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2019 14:23:25 GMT -5
Hello! I've been reading through the boards for a few days (but barely made a dent!) and thought it was time I chimed in. A little about me: late 40s, married 25 years to my high school sweetheart. Our love for each other goes deep and spans generations. But there's no physical affection and there hasn't been for some time. That's all I'll reveal for now.
I found out about this site on a forum of a different nature. The poster who spoke about it said it was largely a supportive group: people of all different stories with a common thread. After lurking for some time, I agree with the common thread part.
I see a lot of armchairing going on, armchair lawyer, doctor, therapist, etc. I'm reluctant to share more for this reason. I have several doctors, a lawyer and a therapist, and I don't need any more. I'm here to talk anonymously to others in the same boat, maybe make a friend or two. Thanks for reading.
Mo
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Post by Handy on Feb 11, 2019 14:28:27 GMT -5
Mo, welcome to the forum. Some of us do not have much professional help so we try to give helpful suggestions based on feelings and some personal experiences. Some of us have been burned and that has lead to a lack of confidence that we are doing the least damaging thing and need to read stories of some of our own ideas that other people had success with. There is an advice on most forums "Take what you can use (or works for you) and leave the rest behind."
For the most part, what ever you decide to do, most people will go along with your decisions. This place is like a restaurant menu, people will say what they like-don't like, but you have the final say in what you choose from the menu.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2019 15:21:11 GMT -5
Welcome, Mo. If your love for your spouse runs deep and there's no contemplation of ending the marriage, then perhaps all you need from the forum are understanding ears, a realization that you're not alone, and maybe ideas of things to try to reengage your spouse physically. I'd make that clear when conversing on a post. From what I've seen, most are trying to find a means to an end - whether finding a way to make the marriage work (even if no sex comes about) or trying all last ditch efforts to gain their spouse's attention before ending their marriage. Most of us have been there, done that, and have their own lot of lawyers, therapists, etc.. Some (like myself) are on 2nd (or 3rd) marriages so have been down that legal route and can offer suggestions based upon our own first-hand experiences. Some (like myself) work for attorneys who do domestic work, so, again, can offer suggestions ... they are merely suggestions of things to contemplate as part of the process of deciding whether to end or continue in a SM. I don't believe anyone means to strong arm anyone and all is spoken from a place of helpfulness and imparting one more thing to consider as we try to make our way through our own individual mazes of SM issues. As Handy said ... take what you like and leave the rest. We are all in different places, but do share one common bond. Feel free to ask your questions. Some answers you may find helpful, others may sting, but none are meant to hurt you. Good luck.
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Post by baza on Feb 11, 2019 16:49:09 GMT -5
It is as well to consider this too .... You might post something, and get a heap of responses. None of the responses may be helpful - to you. However, some other member may identify with your story as being applicable themselves, and get a lot of value of the responses. Likewise, you might find another members post - and responses - and find some value in that.
A lot of the learning in here is done vicariously.
So your story Sister @rockandroll , and the responses to it, may well be helping someone else. And other persons posts might have something there of use to you.
Take out of the group what you like. Leave what you choose.
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 11, 2019 19:10:00 GMT -5
Welcome, @rockandroll.
No doubt, you’ll see that a lot of the armchair advice here comes with a hearty recommendation to consult a local professional, because so much is unique by jurisdiction. Kudos to you for already taking those steps, and we hope you enjoy the camaraderie here!
Cheers!
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onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Feb 11, 2019 20:24:36 GMT -5
Hi Everyone! After lurking on this sight for about six months last year, I finally joined in mid-November. My mother, who lived 9 hours away, then shortly thereafter had a stroke that ultimately led to her death in mid-December. Follow that with the Holiday season, and a work trip in January, I finally feel that my life has slowed enough to formally introduce myself and my SM situation.
My wife and I have been married for almost 18 and a half years, together for twenty. She was married with two boys (14 & 10) when we met. I was living with my girlfriend at the time. We met at work. I pursued her pretty hard. Looking back, that should have been the first big red flag to me, that it was not instant chemistry for her. I was immediately smitten and still find her very attractive and sexy all these years later. We had two boys together (19 & 20 now).
So here are a list of possible/probable "reasons" for our SM (in no particular order): - Infidelity on my part - two years into the marriage - She was a victim of incestuous child sex abuse - Health issues on her part (diabetes, menopause, Hashimoto's disease, obesity, etc.) - She is eleven years my senior (not sure what that might have to do with anything) - I am a Mr. Nice Guy (according to Glover) - I was merely an opportunity to get out of her first marriage
We may not have been "technically" sexless the last 7 years, but there has definitely been a lack of interest on her part for at least that long. Lots of starfish sex or her just closing her eyes with that look of "enduring" it instead of enjoying it. I can only think of five or six occasions EVER in our relationship where she has initiated sex. Of course, I have heard "I hate you" shouted at me more times than that. I do realize that there is two sides to every story and that I am by no means innocent in all of this. However, I know that I will always desire her, no matter what. She can't seem to understand why sex (hell, just physical intimacy) is important to me. I cannot understand how it is NOT important to her.
That's all I can think of now. Please feel free to ask many questions. One thing that I must say about this site that I have noticed is that this feels like a safe space. I appreciate all of you for that.
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Post by baza on Feb 11, 2019 23:47:43 GMT -5
Of your list of "whys" (infidelity, childhood abuse, health issues, her seniority to you, you being just convenient) any one of them, plus more, could be in play. And none of them matter a rats arse (apart from your infidelity and being convenient) as you are in no way in control of those other things. You are in an ILIASM shithole. "Why" you are, doesn't particularly matter - it doesn't alter the fact that you are. So welcome to the band of brothers (and sisters) Brother onlyhuman .
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 12, 2019 19:23:29 GMT -5
Hello Mo,...I think you will find that this site will resemble a lot of what you find in life. You will get back pretty much in proportion to what you contribute. Several members have stated that you should "take what you need and leave the rest". I agree. You wouldn't be the 1st person who comes here to mostly vent. That's fine. If you stay around and read you will see just about every scenario for a SM you can imagine. Most members here can and do show a good deal of sympathy and empathy toward each other. If you are simply seeking comradery regarding your situation and possibly to make a few friends I think you will likely find that here.
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