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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 21, 2018 11:35:02 GMT -5
Thank you for this site. I have been faithfully married to my husband for 25 years. The past 10 have been sexless. Early in our marriage sex was fun and regular. Now, he has absolutely no interest in sex. Zero interest. On our 25th wedding anniversary we traveled to Paris for a week. On the final day of the trip, after having no sex the entire time, I told him I was leaving our marriage. He begged and pleaded for me to stay. He went to the doctor when we got home and came up with a “plan” to reduce stress, exercise, etc. He has no medical problems. It’s now 6 months later and nothing has changed. Still no sex - ever. He is a wonderful man. He hugs me, holds my hand, brings me coffee in bed every single morning, callls me and texts me all throughout his day, and we even still have a date night out every week. We’ve never even slept in separate bedrooms. I just can’t live without sexual intimacy. I just don’t know what to do ..... As a side note - Five years ago, when we began talking about the problem, he tried Viagra and hated it as it felt unnatural to him. He stopped taking it within 3 months. Just because he suffers from ED, it doesn't mean there physical intimacy should stop.
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Post by jamesbonding on Nov 21, 2018 16:51:42 GMT -5
Thank you for this site. I have been faithfully married to my husband for 25 years. The past 10 have been sexless. Early in our marriage sex was fun and regular. Now, he has absolutely no interest in sex. Zero interest. On our 25th wedding anniversary we traveled to Paris for a week. On the final day of the trip, after having no sex the entire time, I told him I was leaving our marriage. He begged and pleaded for me to stay. He went to the doctor when we got home and came up with a “plan” to reduce stress, exercise, etc. He has no medical problems. It’s now 6 months later and nothing has changed. Still no sex - ever. He is a wonderful man. He hugs me, holds my hand, brings me coffee in bed every single morning, callls me and texts me all throughout his day, and we even still have a date night out every week. We’ve never even slept in separate bedrooms. I just can’t live without sexual intimacy. I just don’t know what to do ..... As a side note - Five years ago, when we began talking about the problem, he tried Viagra and hated it as it felt unnatural to him. He stopped taking it within 3 months. This is a sad case, since he still seems to be in love with you, and is still "wonderful" toward you in every way except sex. Can you tell us more about what HE thinks about why the sex stopped? Is it a loss of desire? That might be due to low testosterone - or other reasons. Or is it just ED? I know a little bit about ED since it has been sneaking up on me over the last few years. I saw a doctor about it before it became a serious problem. I imagine if I had let it go on for too long, I would have developed "performance anxiety" and the problem could have spiraled out of control. I could have become frustrated and lost confidence in my ability to have intercourse, and then started avoiding it, even if I still had the desire for it. The good news is that ED meds really do work for a lot of men. I enjoy being able to stay hard as long as I like, and not having to worry about going limp and falling out a few minutes after going in. I do understand what your husband says about it feeling "unnatural." I think pharmaceutically enhanced erections feel unnatural because they are stiffer and harder than what we have become used to. I've been experimenting with reduced dosages that can give me a dependable erection that gets the job done without making me harder than I need to be. Maybe you could suggest to your husband that he try a half dose of Viagra (cut a pill in half) and see how that works. If he's unwilling or unable to give you the sex you want/need, perhaps he would be willing to allow an open marriage deal, where you could get your sex elsewhere.
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Post by jenshella on Nov 22, 2018 15:17:22 GMT -5
Thank you for this site. I have been faithfully married to my husband for 25 years. The past 10 have been sexless. Early in our marriage sex was fun and regular. Now, he has absolutely no interest in sex. Zero interest. On our 25th wedding anniversary we traveled to Paris for a week. On the final day of the trip, after having no sex the entire time, I told him I was leaving our marriage. He begged and pleaded for me to stay. He went to the doctor when we got home and came up with a “plan” to reduce stress, exercise, etc. He has no medical problems. It’s now 6 months later and nothing has changed. Still no sex - ever. He is a wonderful man. He hugs me, holds my hand, brings me coffee in bed every single morning, callls me and texts me all throughout his day, and we even still have a date night out every week. We’ve never even slept in separate bedrooms. I just can’t live without sexual intimacy. I just don’t know what to do ..... As a side note - Five years ago, when we began talking about the problem, he tried Viagra and hated it as it felt unnatural to him. He stopped taking it within 3 months. Sounds almost like my husband.... Except mine do not have ED or need to take viagra.... His erection is just fine the 4-6 times we have sex per year.....
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Post by nantucketdreamer on Nov 24, 2018 8:11:29 GMT -5
This is a sad case, since he still seems to be in love with you, and is still "wonderful" toward you in every way except sex.
Can you tell us more about what HE thinks about why the sex stopped? Is it a loss of desire? That might be due to low testosterone - or other reasons. Or is it just ED?
I know a little bit about ED since it has been sneaking up on me over the last few years. I saw a doctor about it before it became a serious problem. I imagine if I had let it go on for too long, I would have developed "performance anxiety" and the problem could have spiraled out of control. I could have become frustrated and lost confidence in my ability to have intercourse, and then started avoiding it, even if I still had the desire for it.
The good news is that ED meds really do work for a lot of men. I enjoy being able to stay hard as long as I like, and not having to worry about going limp and falling out a few minutes after going in.
I do understand what your husband says about it feeling "unnatural." I think pharmaceutically enhanced erections feel unnatural because they are stiffer and harder than what we have become used to. I've been experimenting with reduced dosages that can give me a dependable erection that gets the job done without making me harder than I need to be.
Maybe you could suggest to your husband that he try a half dose of Viagra (cut a pill in half) and see how that works.
If he's unwilling or unable to give you the sex you want/need, perhaps he would be willing to allow an open marriage deal, where you could get your sex elsewhere. [/quote][
Thank you for this encouraging and kind response.
For him, after going to the doctor and making sure his health and testosterone were ok, he is convinced that it is stress which has developed performance anxiety and seems to be an unbreakable cycle.
He has a demanding job that does not allow him to ever fully detach. He is well respected in his field. His work ethic is one of the things that attracted me to him when I met him.
Thank you for sharing your experience with medication. One night we almost had to go to the ER because the errection lasted much longer than it was supposed to. Now that I recall that experience, it was definitely the defining moment where he chose not to use it again.
This weekend, I told him that I purchased a vibrator and was enjoying it. I could tell it upset him. Last night he held me till I fell asleep in his arms.
Thank you again for your words. They are truly helpful.
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Post by h on Nov 24, 2018 14:52:04 GMT -5
Thank you for this encouraging and kind response. For him, after going to the doctor and making sure his health and testosterone were ok, he is convinced that it is stress which has developed performance anxiety and seems to be an unbreakable cycle. He has a demanding job that does not allow him to ever fully detach. He is well respected in his field. His work ethic is one of the things that attracted me to him when I met him. Thank you for sharing your experience with medication. One night we almost had to go to the ER because the errection lasted much longer than it was supposed to. Now that I recall that experience, it was definitely the defining moment where he chose not to use it again. This weekend, I told him that I purchased a vibrator and was enjoying it. I could tell it upset him. Last night he held me till I fell asleep in his arms. Thank you again for your words. They are truly helpful. [/quote] ---- If he can't perform, he can still participate. He has fingers, a mouth, and could even use the vibrator on you himself. There are options if he really is interested in meeting your needs.
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Post by jamesbonding on Nov 25, 2018 4:48:28 GMT -5
Thank you for this encouraging and kind response. For him, after going to the doctor and making sure his health and testosterone were ok, he is convinced that it is stress which has developed performance anxiety and seems to be an unbreakable cycle. He has a demanding job that does not allow him to ever fully detach. He is well respected in his field. His work ethic is one of the things that attracted me to him when I met him. Thank you for sharing your experience with medication. One night we almost had to go to the ER because the errection lasted much longer than it was supposed to. Now that I recall that experience, it was definitely the defining moment where he chose not to use it again. This weekend, I told him that I purchased a vibrator and was enjoying it. I could tell it upset him. Last night he held me till I fell asleep in his arms. Thank you again for your words. They are truly helpful. Erections happen when the the guy is relaxed ( and when there is some mental and/or physical sexual stimulation). So, I would recommend a week (at least) vacation away from work pressure. Don't fill up your time with lots of planned activities. Feel free to sleep and get up late. Enjoy lots of snuggling, touching, and talking (if you both enjoy talking), or listening to music (if you both enjoy that). Maybe that will let him get his mojo back. How many times had he taken Viagra before the priapism incident happened? I take tadalafil (generic Cialis), 2.5mg daily. It's long lasting, so I'm ready to go anytime. On the third morning after I started taking it, I woke up with an unusually strong erection. I was a bit worried because it was so much harder and lasted longer than what I was used to. Eventually, the erection did go away (maybe after 15 minutes of just lying in bed). I think if the erection had not gone away by itself, I could have gotten up and walked around for a few minutes, or taken a cold shower. Usually getting up and walking around for less than a minute will cause an erection to go away for me - even if I don't want it to go away! So I would recommend trying reduced doses of Viagra or tadalafil, and walking around or taking a cold shower if he gets worried about an erection lasting too long. How long will it be until he retires? No guarantees, but maybe things will get better when he retires and the pressure is off. Be careful with the vibrator. They can cause numbness and desensitization. Good luck to you and your husband. I get the sense from what you have written that you two love and care about each other more than most sexless marriage couples on this forum.
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Post by ilsaicnl on Nov 27, 2018 3:00:36 GMT -5
Hi. I'll be 40 in March and that milestone has me really taking stock of my life. Have spent the majority of my marriage feeling there's something "wrong" with me because my hubby had a much lower drive than me. Have enjoyed reading through some of the posts and really just realizing I'm not weird. I'm not alone.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 27, 2018 11:06:53 GMT -5
Be careful with the vibrator. They can cause numbness and desensitization. I do agree with what you wrote concerning nantucketdreamer husband's stress problems I do take exception to your characterization of vibrator usage. The concept of desensitization was promulgated by misogynistic religious wackos to shame women. It has been debunked repeatedly. Columbia university response
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Post by flashjohn on Nov 27, 2018 17:52:55 GMT -5
Thank you for this site. I have been faithfully married to my husband for 25 years. The past 10 have been sexless. Early in our marriage sex was fun and regular. Now, he has absolutely no interest in sex. Zero interest. On our 25th wedding anniversary we traveled to Paris for a week. On the final day of the trip, after having no sex the entire time, I told him I was leaving our marriage. He begged and pleaded for me to stay. He went to the doctor when we got home and came up with a “plan” to reduce stress, exercise, etc. He has no medical problems. It’s now 6 months later and nothing has changed. Still no sex - ever. He is a wonderful man. He hugs me, holds my hand, brings me coffee in bed every single morning, callls me and texts me all throughout his day, and we even still have a date night out every week. We’ve never even slept in separate bedrooms. I just can’t live without sexual intimacy. I just don’t know what to do ..... As a side note - Five years ago, when we began talking about the problem, he tried Viagra and hated it as it felt unnatural to him. He stopped taking it within 3 months. I hope that you can find some peace here or come up with an exit plan. Whichever is right for you.
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Post by jenshella on Nov 29, 2018 4:42:39 GMT -5
Be careful with the vibrator. They can cause numbness and desensitization. I do agree with what you wrote concerning nantucketdreamer husband's stress problems I do take exception to your characterization of vibrator usage. The concept of desensitization was promulgated by misogynistic religious wackos to shame women. It has been debunked repeatedly. Columbia university responseThank you!! I thought about answering as well, now I don’t have to. I’ll quote it though. It deserves to be repeated.
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Post by h on Nov 29, 2018 7:13:08 GMT -5
I do agree with what you wrote concerning nantucketdreamer husband's stress problems I do take exception to your characterization of vibrator usage. The concept of desensitization was promulgated by misogynistic religious wackos to shame women. It has been debunked repeatedly. Columbia university responseThank you!! I thought about answering as well, now I don’t have to. I’ll quote it though. It deserves to be repeated. Don't be afraid to speak your mind here. Part of the reason I have grown through my time here is learning to speak up for myself. I spent most of the last decade biting my tongue to avoid conflict and it only made my situation worse. You have the right to disagree with anyone you want and speak up when someone says otherwise. Part of healing is building self confidence. ☺️
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Post by Handy on Nov 29, 2018 11:27:07 GMT -5
In fact, masturbation, with or without the aid of a sex toy, helps women increase their clitoral sensations, improving the quality of their orgasms.
+1 (+1 = I agree)
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Post by saarinista on Nov 29, 2018 22:43:54 GMT -5
Use it or lose it, I say!
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Post by jenshella on Dec 2, 2018 8:22:45 GMT -5
Don't be afraid to speak your mind here. Part of the reason I have grown through my time here is learning to speak up for myself. I spent most of the last decade biting my tongue to avoid conflict and it only made my situation worse. You have the right to disagree with anyone you want and speak up when someone says otherwise. Part of healing is building self confidence. ☺️ I’m not afraid to speak my mind. Please don’t put words in my mouth. I understand you mean well, though.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 14:05:34 GMT -5
Hello All,
This forum was recommended to me some time back, and I'm finally getting around to checking it out. I suppose I keep hoping it won't be necessary, but at this point, I will take all the help I can get. Background: 7 year marriage, lots of challenges, never oodles of sex, but over the last several years, it's dwindled to sometimes as low as 4 times a year. I've gone to counseling on my own (my husband refuses). I suspect his lack of drive is a porn issue, but could be Low T, as well (he hasn't gotten checked yet), or something totally unrelated and unknown to me. Overall, things are good between us, but the lack of physical affection is wearing on me. Hoping to find some suggestions on how to live like this, or tools to help me continue to try and raise the issue with him. Both of us are healthy, physically active, and all other stresses (financial/employment, etc.) have been relieved from us so there's no reason we shouldn't have a very active and satisfying sex life. I'm clueless. Just trying to keep hanging on. Leaving has been an option for me for a long time. I just can't pull the trigger because I truly do not want to. This means me trying to find a way to live this way. Appreciate having another avenue to explore and try to find help.
WhyNotM3
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