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Post by sadkat on Dec 7, 2018 15:20:50 GMT -5
Hello All, This forum was recommended to me some time back, and I'm finally getting around to checking it out. I suppose I keep hoping it won't be necessary, but at this point, I will take all the help I can get. Background: 7 year marriage, lots of challenges, never oodles of sex, but over the last several years, it's dwindled to sometimes as low as 4 times a year. I've gone to counseling on my own (my husband refuses). I suspect his lack of drive is a porn issue, but could be Low T, as well (he hasn't gotten checked yet), or something totally unrelated and unknown to me. Overall, things are good between us, but the lack of physical affection is wearing on me. Hoping to find some suggestions on how to live like this, or tools to help me continue to try and raise the issue with him. Both of us are healthy, physically active, and all other stresses (financial/employment, etc.) have been relieved from us so there's no reason we shouldn't have a very active and satisfying sex life. I'm clueless. Just trying to keep hanging on. Leaving has been an option for me for a long time. I just can't pull the trigger because I truly do not want to. This means me trying to find a way to live this way. Appreciate having another avenue to explore and try to find help. WhyNotM3 Hello WhyNotM3- Welcome to the group. You’ll get a lot of support here. It is also highly likely that you’ll get advise you won’t want to hear. Take it for what it’s worth and try your best not to be offended. We all mean well here. I am a victim of porn. I stayed in a sexless relationship for over 22 years. The lack of intimacy and affection had a huge negative impact on me- to the point that I hardly recognized my true self. I stayed because I had a young child and I simply didn’t want to share a custody arrangement where he would be away from me for days at a time. I don’t know if it was the right decision but do know, if I had a chance to do it again, I would make the same decision. The thing is, you can hope for improvement in your relationship with your husband- you can yell, beg, threaten. But- as long as he doesn’t think he has a problem, things will not change- they will only get worse. If it’s porn that’s causing his loss of sexual interest in you and if you don’t have kids to worry about, my advice is to run. Leave the marriage as soon as possible. I’m not an expert in low T so I’ll let other members give their opinions on that. As an FYI- I’m in the process of leaving my marriage. After all these years, it is incredibly difficult. But I know I need to do this if I have any hopes of having a fulfilling sexual relationship in the future. Please feel free to PM me if you’d like. I’m more than happy to share my experience with you.
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 7, 2018 15:23:54 GMT -5
Hello All, This forum was recommended to me some time back, and I'm finally getting around to checking it out. I suppose I keep hoping it won't be necessary, but at this point, I will take all the help I can get. Background: 7 year marriage, lots of challenges, never oodles of sex, but over the last several years, it's dwindled to sometimes as low as 4 times a year. I've gone to counseling on my own (my husband refuses). I suspect his lack of drive is a porn issue, but could be Low T, as well (he hasn't gotten checked yet), or something totally unrelated and unknown to me. Overall, things are good between us, but the lack of physical affection is wearing on me. Hoping to find some suggestions on how to live like this, or tools to help me continue to try and raise the issue with him. Both of us are healthy, physically active, and all other stresses (financial/employment, etc.) have been relieved from us so there's no reason we shouldn't have a very active and satisfying sex life. I'm clueless. Just trying to keep hanging on. Leaving has been an option for me for a long time. I just can't pull the trigger because I truly do not want to. This means me trying to find a way to live this way. Appreciate having another avenue to explore and try to find help. WhyNotM3 This is something that mrslowmaintenance has dealt with.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 7, 2018 16:58:26 GMT -5
Hello WhynotM3,.....I don't see your ages so I will guesstimate from your time married that you are somewhere in the mid 30's, but it doesn't really matter. A sexless state can occur during any point in a relationship, to anyone. Back on the predecessor to this forum we had non hetero members that experienced what has plagued us all. So don't feel like there's some rare condition affecting you as it's estimated that over 10% of all marriages are sexless. You mentioned low testosterone. That can occur even at a relatively young age in men. The only way to know for sure is to be tested. But issues with a man's Thyroid can also affect the libido, so if you can get him in to see a Dr. a battery of test might be in order. Excessive porn can definitely lower a man's sex drive. But regardless of the cause it really boils down to "does he desire you, and does he love you"? If so then he will do what ever he needs to do to make sex with you a priority in the relationship.
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Post by baza on Dec 7, 2018 17:28:32 GMT -5
Just a 'heads-up' Suster @whynotm3 .
Let's assume that the problem is the porn. Further, that he wants to do something about that. Further, that he successfully kicks the habit. Further, that he changes into a man who would prefer sex with real live women. Even further, that he would prefer a specific woman to have sex with. So far, so good - but, on what basis do you figure that YOU would necessarily be that woman ?
You could run the same metric over the "low T why". It doesn't follow that that issue being successfully dealt with would necessarily see any change much for you.
Oftentimes, knowing "why" your spouse is sexually avoidant toward you doesn't actually help a real lot.
Welcome to the zoo, hope you get some value out of the group.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 20:26:12 GMT -5
Just a 'heads-up' Suster @whynotm3 . Let's assume that the problem is the porn. Further, that he wants to do something about that. Further, that he successfully kicks the habit. Further, that he changes into a man who would prefer sex with real live women. Even further, that he would prefer a specific woman to have sex with. So far, so good - but, on what basis do you figure that YOU would necessarily be that woman ? You could run the same metric over the "low T why". It doesn't follow that that issue being successfully dealt with would necessarily see any change much for you. Oftentimes, knowing "why" your spouse is sexually avoidant toward you doesn't actually help a real lot. Welcome to the zoo, hope you get some value out of the group. All things I've already thought of. Ugh .... back to square one, trying my hardest to focus on ME and being and feeling like the woman I was when I first met him, before my psyche was twisted by years of wondering "why not me?" Thank you for your honest response.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 20:27:12 GMT -5
Hello WhynotM3,.....I don't see your ages so I will guesstimate from your time married that you are somewhere in the mid 30's, but it doesn't really matter. A sexless state can occur during any point in a relationship, to anyone. Back on the predecessor to this forum we had non hetero members that experienced what has plagued us all. So don't feel like there's some rare condition affecting you as it's estimated that over 10% of all marriages are sexless. You mentioned low testosterone. That can occur even at a relatively young age in men. The only way to know for sure is to be tested. But issues with a man's Thyroid can also affect the libido, so if you can get him in to see a Dr. a battery of test might be in order. Excessive porn can definitely lower a man's sex drive. But regardless of the cause it really boils down to "does he desire you, and does he love you"? If so then he will do what ever he needs to do to make sex with you a priority in the relationship. 48 and 49 respectively. My 2nd marriage, his 1st. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 20:29:56 GMT -5
Hello All, This forum was recommended to me some time back, and I'm finally getting around to checking it out. I suppose I keep hoping it won't be necessary, but at this point, I will take all the help I can get. Background: 7 year marriage, lots of challenges, never oodles of sex, but over the last several years, it's dwindled to sometimes as low as 4 times a year. I've gone to counseling on my own (my husband refuses). I suspect his lack of drive is a porn issue, but could be Low T, as well (he hasn't gotten checked yet), or something totally unrelated and unknown to me. Overall, things are good between us, but the lack of physical affection is wearing on me. Hoping to find some suggestions on how to live like this, or tools to help me continue to try and raise the issue with him. Both of us are healthy, physically active, and all other stresses (financial/employment, etc.) have been relieved from us so there's no reason we shouldn't have a very active and satisfying sex life. I'm clueless. Just trying to keep hanging on. Leaving has been an option for me for a long time. I just can't pull the trigger because I truly do not want to. This means me trying to find a way to live this way. Appreciate having another avenue to explore and try to find help. WhyNotM3 Hello WhyNotM3- Welcome to the group. You’ll get a lot of support here. It is also highly likely that you’ll get advise you won’t want to hear. Take it for what it’s worth and try your best not to be offended. We all mean well here. I am a victim of porn. I stayed in a sexless relationship for over 22 years. The lack of intimacy and affection had a huge negative impact on me- to the point that I hardly recognized my true self. I stayed because I had a young child and I simply didn’t want to share a custody arrangement where he would be away from me for days at a time. I don’t know if it was the right decision but do know, if I had a chance to do it again, I would make the same decision. The thing is, you can hope for improvement in your relationship with your husband- you can yell, beg, threaten. But- as long as he doesn’t think he has a problem, things will not change- they will only get worse. If it’s porn that’s causing his loss of sexual interest in you and if you don’t have kids to worry about, my advice is to run. Leave the marriage as soon as possible. I’m not an expert in low T so I’ll let other members give their opinions on that. As an FYI- I’m in the process of leaving my marriage. After all these years, it is incredibly difficult. But I know I need to do this if I have any hopes of having a fulfilling sexual relationship in the future. Please feel free to PM me if you’d like. I’m more than happy to share my experience with you. Thank you for the response. You've made your decision. I've been on the brink twice but he always says the right thing and we try again. Only to always have me back on some quest like I am on this site. Sigh ... one of these days I hope this will be behind me - with or without him by my side.
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Post by sadkat on Dec 7, 2018 20:41:00 GMT -5
Yes @whynotm3. I went through the exact same thing you are now going through. He always managed to say the right things to get me to stay. Yet, here I am. This time, however, I refuse to listen ( with a lot of help from my therapist). It is absolutely a very difficult decision. Please continue to share your journey with us- you’ll find a lot of support here- regardless of your decision.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 20:43:36 GMT -5
Yes @whynotm3. I went through the exact same thing you are now going through. He always managed to say the right things to get me to stay. Yet, here I am. This time, however, I refuse to listen ( with a lot of help from my therapist). It is absolutely a very difficult decision. Please continue to share your journey with us- you’ll find a lot of support here- regardless of your decision. Thanks much. I will.
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fatty
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Post by fatty on Dec 10, 2018 17:15:31 GMT -5
Hello. New guy here. I am a 75-year old fat man with erectile dysfunction in a sexless marriage. I have been married 52 years. I still masturbate frequently with an electric massager. Marriage was not always sexless although never was really satisfactory because I have a high drive and she is was low. There are/were a lot of psych issues also. Once a week was about all I got. I could go multiple times a day every day if I had the chance and I loved oral and experimentation and role play. I am still desperate for sex I know I could give a lot of pleasure to a woman still. All I have now is frustration and great memories of extra-sex long ago.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 11, 2018 8:34:51 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum fatty,...This snippet reads like you haven't done any lurking and posted quickly after finding the site. Keep reading and feel free to ask questions. After 52 yrs. you know your deal isn't going to change. And after 52 yrs. it's seems unlikely you are going to be leaving . It would seem then that perhaps your best option is to find a way to be at peace with your decision to stay. There is a broad heading that addresses that decision since the majority of members at this site have chosen that option. One of our senior members, "baza" has written several posts on this and it's relationship to overall satisfaction in one's life. You might look at his profile and search through his themes and posts to find his thoughts. I believe you might find them useful.
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Post by remington on Dec 15, 2018 1:23:39 GMT -5
Hello. I am here because I have been married 30 years and have not had sex with my wife in 14 years. It has been a very aggravating and frustrating journey. I love her and will not leave her. She is a breast cancer survivor and after the mastectomy the door was closed. There is no intimacy at all. Not even cuddling, hugs or even kissing. I have resigned myself to the fact that we will never have sex again. We have two children and I will not upset the family by leaving. It is sad because I know what I am missing and feel like we could be so much happier if we were intimate. It is truly the most depressing thing in my otherwise wonderful life. I just don’t know what to do. I am not one to go out and have an affair because I just couldn’t do that. I have paid for sex but it is shallow and then I feel guilty. I am in great shape for my age and am constantly horney with a very high sex drive. I continue day by day to be frustrated and continue day by day to move forward. And yes I have discussed it with her and nothing changes. It’s just not fair.
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Post by baza on Dec 15, 2018 2:31:14 GMT -5
You rule out leaving Brother remington . You rule out an affair too. You pretty much put a line through commercial sex as well. These are all perfectly legitimate choices you've made. Someone else in your position might choose to leave, and/or have an affair, and/or engage in transactional sex. And those choices would be equally as valid. There's no *right* (or *wrong*) choice to be had in these situations, just what's right for you. But along with choice comes consequence. The consequence of your choices here is the end of your sex life. That's what you're choosing.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 15, 2018 11:17:51 GMT -5
remington, some observations from a different perspective... While you’ve stuck with her through sickness and health, she’s returned the favor by abandoning you. At this point, your children are adults. Whatever damage your relationship might do to them is already done; they won’t be too traumatized by what Mom and Dad do now. To the contrary, you may yet improve upon the example that they’ll use as template for their own relationships.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 11:01:50 GMT -5
You rule out leaving Brother remington . You rule out an affair too. You pretty much put a line through commercial sex as well. These are all perfectly legitimate choices you've made. Someone else in your position might choose to leave, and/or have an affair, and/or engage in transactional sex. And those choices would be equally as valid. There's no *right* (or *wrong*) choice to be had in these situations, just what's right for you. But along with choice comes consequence. The consequence of your choices here is the end of your sex life. That's what you're choosing. Baza .... I love the way you speak ... such non-judgmental truth. Thank you. You are correct. We ALL have choices and those choices come with consequences.
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