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Post by flashjohn on Nov 27, 2018 17:52:55 GMT -5
Thank you for this site. I have been faithfully married to my husband for 25 years. The past 10 have been sexless. Early in our marriage sex was fun and regular. Now, he has absolutely no interest in sex. Zero interest. On our 25th wedding anniversary we traveled to Paris for a week. On the final day of the trip, after having no sex the entire time, I told him I was leaving our marriage. He begged and pleaded for me to stay. He went to the doctor when we got home and came up with a “plan” to reduce stress, exercise, etc. He has no medical problems. It’s now 6 months later and nothing has changed. Still no sex - ever. He is a wonderful man. He hugs me, holds my hand, brings me coffee in bed every single morning, callls me and texts me all throughout his day, and we even still have a date night out every week. We’ve never even slept in separate bedrooms. I just can’t live without sexual intimacy. I just don’t know what to do ..... As a side note - Five years ago, when we began talking about the problem, he tried Viagra and hated it as it felt unnatural to him. He stopped taking it within 3 months. I hope that you can find some peace here or come up with an exit plan. Whichever is right for you. |
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Post by jenshella on Nov 29, 2018 4:42:39 GMT -5
Be careful with the vibrator. They can cause numbness and desensitization. I do agree with what you wrote concerning nantucketdreamer husband's stress problems I do take exception to your characterization of vibrator usage. The concept of desensitization was promulgated by misogynistic religious wackos to shame women. It has been debunked repeatedly. Columbia university responseThank you!! I thought about answering as well, now I don’t have to. I’ll quote it though. It deserves to be repeated. |
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Post by h on Nov 29, 2018 7:13:08 GMT -5
I do agree with what you wrote concerning nantucketdreamer husband's stress problems I do take exception to your characterization of vibrator usage. The concept of desensitization was promulgated by misogynistic religious wackos to shame women. It has been debunked repeatedly. Columbia university responseThank you!! I thought about answering as well, now I don’t have to. I’ll quote it though. It deserves to be repeated. Don't be afraid to speak your mind here. Part of the reason I have grown through my time here is learning to speak up for myself. I spent most of the last decade biting my tongue to avoid conflict and it only made my situation worse. You have the right to disagree with anyone you want and speak up when someone says otherwise. Part of healing is building self confidence. ☺️ |
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Post by handy on Nov 29, 2018 11:27:07 GMT -5
In fact, masturbation, with or without the aid of a sex toy, helps women increase their clitoral sensations, improving the quality of their orgasms.
+1 (+1 = I agree)
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Post by saarinista on Nov 29, 2018 22:43:54 GMT -5
Use it or lose it, I say!
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Post by jenshella on Dec 2, 2018 8:22:45 GMT -5
Don't be afraid to speak your mind here. Part of the reason I have grown through my time here is learning to speak up for myself. I spent most of the last decade biting my tongue to avoid conflict and it only made my situation worse. You have the right to disagree with anyone you want and speak up when someone says otherwise. Part of healing is building self confidence. ☺️ I’m not afraid to speak my mind. Please don’t put words in my mouth. I understand you mean well, though. |
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whynotm3
Full Member
Changing what I can .... hoping for a miracle
Posts: 254
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by whynotm3 on Dec 7, 2018 14:05:34 GMT -5
Hello All,
This forum was recommended to me some time back, and I'm finally getting around to checking it out. I suppose I keep hoping it won't be necessary, but at this point, I will take all the help I can get. Background: 7 year marriage, lots of challenges, never oodles of sex, but over the last several years, it's dwindled to sometimes as low as 4 times a year. I've gone to counseling on my own (my husband refuses). I suspect his lack of drive is a porn issue, but could be Low T, as well (he hasn't gotten checked yet), or something totally unrelated and unknown to me. Overall, things are good between us, but the lack of physical affection is wearing on me. Hoping to find some suggestions on how to live like this, or tools to help me continue to try and raise the issue with him. Both of us are healthy, physically active, and all other stresses (financial/employment, etc.) have been relieved from us so there's no reason we shouldn't have a very active and satisfying sex life. I'm clueless. Just trying to keep hanging on. Leaving has been an option for me for a long time. I just can't pull the trigger because I truly do not want to. This means me trying to find a way to live this way. Appreciate having another avenue to explore and try to find help.
WhyNotM3
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Post by sadkat on Dec 7, 2018 15:20:50 GMT -5
Hello All, This forum was recommended to me some time back, and I'm finally getting around to checking it out. I suppose I keep hoping it won't be necessary, but at this point, I will take all the help I can get. Background: 7 year marriage, lots of challenges, never oodles of sex, but over the last several years, it's dwindled to sometimes as low as 4 times a year. I've gone to counseling on my own (my husband refuses). I suspect his lack of drive is a porn issue, but could be Low T, as well (he hasn't gotten checked yet), or something totally unrelated and unknown to me. Overall, things are good between us, but the lack of physical affection is wearing on me. Hoping to find some suggestions on how to live like this, or tools to help me continue to try and raise the issue with him. Both of us are healthy, physically active, and all other stresses (financial/employment, etc.) have been relieved from us so there's no reason we shouldn't have a very active and satisfying sex life. I'm clueless. Just trying to keep hanging on. Leaving has been an option for me for a long time. I just can't pull the trigger because I truly do not want to. This means me trying to find a way to live this way. Appreciate having another avenue to explore and try to find help. WhyNotM3 Hello WhyNotM3- Welcome to the group. You’ll get a lot of support here. It is also highly likely that you’ll get advise you won’t want to hear. Take it for what it’s worth and try your best not to be offended. We all mean well here. I am a victim of porn. I stayed in a sexless relationship for over 22 years. The lack of intimacy and affection had a huge negative impact on me- to the point that I hardly recognized my true self. I stayed because I had a young child and I simply didn’t want to share a custody arrangement where he would be away from me for days at a time. I don’t know if it was the right decision but do know, if I had a chance to do it again, I would make the same decision. The thing is, you can hope for improvement in your relationship with your husband- you can yell, beg, threaten. But- as long as he doesn’t think he has a problem, things will not change- they will only get worse. If it’s porn that’s causing his loss of sexual interest in you and if you don’t have kids to worry about, my advice is to run. Leave the marriage as soon as possible. I’m not an expert in low T so I’ll let other members give their opinions on that. As an FYI- I’m in the process of leaving my marriage. After all these years, it is incredibly difficult. But I know I need to do this if I have any hopes of having a fulfilling sexual relationship in the future. Please feel free to PM me if you’d like. I’m more than happy to share my experience with you. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 7, 2018 15:23:54 GMT -5
Hello All, This forum was recommended to me some time back, and I'm finally getting around to checking it out. I suppose I keep hoping it won't be necessary, but at this point, I will take all the help I can get. Background: 7 year marriage, lots of challenges, never oodles of sex, but over the last several years, it's dwindled to sometimes as low as 4 times a year. I've gone to counseling on my own (my husband refuses). I suspect his lack of drive is a porn issue, but could be Low T, as well (he hasn't gotten checked yet), or something totally unrelated and unknown to me. Overall, things are good between us, but the lack of physical affection is wearing on me. Hoping to find some suggestions on how to live like this, or tools to help me continue to try and raise the issue with him. Both of us are healthy, physically active, and all other stresses (financial/employment, etc.) have been relieved from us so there's no reason we shouldn't have a very active and satisfying sex life. I'm clueless. Just trying to keep hanging on. Leaving has been an option for me for a long time. I just can't pull the trigger because I truly do not want to. This means me trying to find a way to live this way. Appreciate having another avenue to explore and try to find help. WhyNotM3 This is something that mrslowmaintenance has dealt with. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 7, 2018 16:58:26 GMT -5
Hello WhynotM3,.....I don't see your ages so I will guesstimate from your time married that you are somewhere in the mid 30's, but it doesn't really matter. A sexless state can occur during any point in a relationship, to anyone. Back on the predecessor to this forum we had non hetero members that experienced what has plagued us all. So don't feel like there's some rare condition affecting you as it's estimated that over 10% of all marriages are sexless. You mentioned low testosterone. That can occur even at a relatively young age in men. The only way to know for sure is to be tested. But issues with a man's Thyroid can also affect the libido, so if you can get him in to see a Dr. a battery of test might be in order.
Excessive porn can definitely lower a man's sex drive.
But regardless of the cause it really boils down to "does he desire you, and does he love you"? If so then he will do what ever he needs to do to make sex with you a priority in the relationship.
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Post by baza on Dec 7, 2018 17:28:32 GMT -5
Just a 'heads-up' Suster whynotm3 . Let's assume that the problem is the porn. Further, that he wants to do something about that. Further, that he successfully kicks the habit. Further, that he changes into a man who would prefer sex with real live women. Even further, that he would prefer a specific woman to have sex with. So far, so good - but, on what basis do you figure that YOU would necessarily be that woman ? You could run the same metric over the "low T why". It doesn't follow that that issue being successfully dealt with would necessarily see any change much for you. Oftentimes, knowing "why" your spouse is sexually avoidant toward you doesn't actually help a real lot. Welcome to the zoo, hope you get some value out of the group. |
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whynotm3
Full Member
Changing what I can .... hoping for a miracle
Posts: 254
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by whynotm3 on Dec 7, 2018 20:26:12 GMT -5
Just a 'heads-up' Suster whynotm3 . Let's assume that the problem is the porn. Further, that he wants to do something about that. Further, that he successfully kicks the habit. Further, that he changes into a man who would prefer sex with real live women. Even further, that he would prefer a specific woman to have sex with. So far, so good - but, on what basis do you figure that YOU would necessarily be that woman ? You could run the same metric over the "low T why". It doesn't follow that that issue being successfully dealt with would necessarily see any change much for you. Oftentimes, knowing "why" your spouse is sexually avoidant toward you doesn't actually help a real lot. Welcome to the zoo, hope you get some value out of the group. All things I've already thought of. Ugh .... back to square one, trying my hardest to focus on ME and being and feeling like the woman I was when I first met him, before my psyche was twisted by years of wondering "why not me?" Thank you for your honest response. |
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whynotm3
Full Member
Changing what I can .... hoping for a miracle
Posts: 254
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by whynotm3 on Dec 7, 2018 20:27:12 GMT -5
Hello WhynotM3,.....I don't see your ages so I will guesstimate from your time married that you are somewhere in the mid 30's, but it doesn't really matter. A sexless state can occur during any point in a relationship, to anyone. Back on the predecessor to this forum we had non hetero members that experienced what has plagued us all. So don't feel like there's some rare condition affecting you as it's estimated that over 10% of all marriages are sexless. You mentioned low testosterone. That can occur even at a relatively young age in men. The only way to know for sure is to be tested. But issues with a man's Thyroid can also affect the libido, so if you can get him in to see a Dr. a battery of test might be in order. Excessive porn can definitely lower a man's sex drive. But regardless of the cause it really boils down to "does he desire you, and does he love you"? If so then he will do what ever he needs to do to make sex with you a priority in the relationship. 48 and 49 respectively. My 2nd marriage, his 1st. Thank you for taking the time to respond. |
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whynotm3
Full Member
Changing what I can .... hoping for a miracle
Posts: 254
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by whynotm3 on Dec 7, 2018 20:29:56 GMT -5
Hello All, This forum was recommended to me some time back, and I'm finally getting around to checking it out. I suppose I keep hoping it won't be necessary, but at this point, I will take all the help I can get. Background: 7 year marriage, lots of challenges, never oodles of sex, but over the last several years, it's dwindled to sometimes as low as 4 times a year. I've gone to counseling on my own (my husband refuses). I suspect his lack of drive is a porn issue, but could be Low T, as well (he hasn't gotten checked yet), or something totally unrelated and unknown to me. Overall, things are good between us, but the lack of physical affection is wearing on me. Hoping to find some suggestions on how to live like this, or tools to help me continue to try and raise the issue with him. Both of us are healthy, physically active, and all other stresses (financial/employment, etc.) have been relieved from us so there's no reason we shouldn't have a very active and satisfying sex life. I'm clueless. Just trying to keep hanging on. Leaving has been an option for me for a long time. I just can't pull the trigger because I truly do not want to. This means me trying to find a way to live this way. Appreciate having another avenue to explore and try to find help. WhyNotM3 Hello WhyNotM3- Welcome to the group. You’ll get a lot of support here. It is also highly likely that you’ll get advise you won’t want to hear. Take it for what it’s worth and try your best not to be offended. We all mean well here. I am a victim of porn. I stayed in a sexless relationship for over 22 years. The lack of intimacy and affection had a huge negative impact on me- to the point that I hardly recognized my true self. I stayed because I had a young child and I simply didn’t want to share a custody arrangement where he would be away from me for days at a time. I don’t know if it was the right decision but do know, if I had a chance to do it again, I would make the same decision. The thing is, you can hope for improvement in your relationship with your husband- you can yell, beg, threaten. But- as long as he doesn’t think he has a problem, things will not change- they will only get worse. If it’s porn that’s causing his loss of sexual interest in you and if you don’t have kids to worry about, my advice is to run. Leave the marriage as soon as possible. I’m not an expert in low T so I’ll let other members give their opinions on that. As an FYI- I’m in the process of leaving my marriage. After all these years, it is incredibly difficult. But I know I need to do this if I have any hopes of having a fulfilling sexual relationship in the future. Please feel free to PM me if you’d like. I’m more than happy to share my experience with you. Thank you for the response. You've made your decision. I've been on the brink twice but he always says the right thing and we try again. Only to always have me back on some quest like I am on this site. Sigh ... one of these days I hope this will be behind me - with or without him by my side. |
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Post by sadkat on Dec 7, 2018 20:41:00 GMT -5
Yes whynotm3. I went through the exact same thing you are now going through. He always managed to say the right things to get me to stay. Yet, here I am. This time, however, I refuse to listen ( with a lot of help from my therapist). It is absolutely a very difficult decision. Please continue to share your journey with us- you’ll find a lot of support here- regardless of your decision. |
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Boston Strong supports Kiwi Strong!!