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Post by flashjohn on Oct 8, 2018 14:20:58 GMT -5
I’m BlackEagle and been away for a while but I’m into year6+ of no sex and year 22 of no real intimacy with my partner. We have children, grandchildren and great grandchildren so we’ve worked out a lane for survival here in the Mountain State but it still sucks sometimes. I’ve just connected with a friend from long ago and she was always a good person who understood this world I’ve Chou. I’m in my mid sixties and in pretty good shape but the chance on things changing between me my partner don’t exist and I’m not sure I’d want it to at this point. 6 years of no sex was my limit my friend. I hope you are able to find some peace.
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Post by dontstart on Oct 14, 2018 14:00:12 GMT -5
Hi, I’m new here. It so helps to know that I am not the only one going through this nightmare.
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Post by h on Oct 15, 2018 8:12:59 GMT -5
Welcome dontstart to the club nobody wants to be in. I am sorry you had to look for us but glad you found us.
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Post by shes2hot4me on Oct 16, 2018 11:20:45 GMT -5
I’m back again 7yrs I read these post seems to help thanks to everyone
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Post by shamwow on Oct 19, 2018 12:26:59 GMT -5
Well, he's a weird one. I am returning with a new login name. Some of you may know me. I won't repeat my old user name since my W stalked me online one night and used some of my posts against me. We had a few years of roughing through it. But now that we're actually going through with a divorce, I'm realizing it would be prudent to go back through and stop broadcasting my plans to her. So brother baza, greatcoastal, and @elle probably know me. Think "four legged running animal with a mane who treads on the ground." Or, Caballo Tierra in English. Love to all. I was wondering at the sudden disappearance. Welcome "back".
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Post by jamesbonding on Oct 19, 2018 17:02:40 GMT -5
Well, he's a weird one. I am returning with a new login name. Some of you may know me. I won't repeat my old user name since my W stalked me online one night and used some of my posts against me. We had a few years of roughing through it. But now that we're actually going through with a divorce, I'm realizing it would be prudent to go back through and stop broadcasting my plans to her. So brother baza , greatcoastal , and @elle probably know me. Think "four legged running animal with a mane who treads on the ground." Or, Caballo Tierra in English. Love to all. It may be difficult to remove the old posts, and that wouldn't completely solve the problem because other people have probably quoted your posts. What might be fairly easy for an administrator with the right know-how is to do a search and replace in all the posts on this site to change all appearances of oldname to someothername. (Be careful not to mess up the dates.) Some bad news is that it is difficult to impossible to erase your tracks from the internet (for example google, bing, and archive.org). Some good news is that most US states are "no fault" divorce states, so what you write on websites may have little or no relevance in your divorce.
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Post by jenshella on Oct 29, 2018 6:41:42 GMT -5
Hi, i just found this message board and I have been browsing and reading a lot. I’m not sure if I will fit in, but who knows....? Only one way to find out....
I’ve been together with my man for 17 years now and - as I am here - we don’t have sex very often. Like most, I have wondered if I am boring, or not attractive anymore, if he has an affair or if he’s gay... But in the end, I just think he isn’t into sex....
And as a lot of newbies, I am also going to state that ”except for sex it is fine”. There seem to be so many here in abusive relationship it is painful even to read about it. Having to stay due to kids or financial reasons most be horrible.... I don’t have kids and I don’t have big loans and I do have a decent salary.... I don’t have to stay.... But he is nice, polite and caring, tells me he loves me almost every day... He is supportive and happy for me if I do well at something. We have common interests and do stuff together. I can hug him and sit on his lap. But I can’t do anything more sexual then that...
I don’t wanna leave him.... I do love him. But I don’t know if I wanna live with having sex 3-5 times a year (and sometimes none, throughout the year) for the rest of my life...
Are there people like me here? Or is it only people being abused (but some doesn’t realize it yet....)?
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Post by javba on Oct 29, 2018 6:58:25 GMT -5
Hi, i just found this message board and I have been browsing and reading a lot. I’m not sure if I will fit in, but who knows....? Only one way to find out.... I’ve been together with my man for 17 years now and - as I am here - we don’t have sex very often. Like most, I have wondered if I am boring, or not attractive anymore, if he has an affair or if he’s gay... But in the end, I just think he isn’t into sex.... And as a lot of newbies, I am also going to state that ”except for sex it is fine”. There seem to be so many here in abusive relationship it is painful even to read about it. Having to stay due to kids or financial reasons most be horrible.... I don’t have kids and I don’t have big loans and I do have a decent salary.... I don’t have to stay.... But he is nice, polite and caring, tells me he loves me almost every day... He is supportive and happy for me if I do well at something. We have common interests and do stuff together. I can hug him and sit on his lap. But I can’t do anything more sexual then that... I don’t wanna leave him.... I do love him. But I don’t know if I wanna live with having sex 3-5 times a year (and sometimes none, throughout the year) for the rest of my life... Are there people like me here? Or is it only people being abused (but some doesn’t realize it yet....)? Actually I suspect you'll find a lot of people here are in very similar situation. It really comes down to why one chooses to stay and are you able to stay. Nice is good, is that enough is the question. As we grow older, it does become harder to justify decisions made earlier.
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Post by baza on Oct 29, 2018 7:32:20 GMT -5
Hi, i just found this message board and I have been browsing and reading a lot. I’m not sure if I will fit in, but who knows....? Only one way to find out.... I’ve been together with my man for 17 years now and - as I am here - we don’t have sex very often. Like most, I have wondered if I am boring, or not attractive anymore, if he has an affair or if he’s gay... But in the end, I just think he isn’t into sex.... And as a lot of newbies, I am also going to state that ”except for sex it is fine”. There seem to be so many here in abusive relationship it is painful even to read about it. Having to stay due to kids or financial reasons most be horrible.... I don’t have kids and I don’t have big loans and I do have a decent salary.... I don’t have to stay.... But he is nice, polite and caring, tells me he loves me almost every day... He is supportive and happy for me if I do well at something. We have common interests and do stuff together. I can hug him and sit on his lap. But I can’t do anything more sexual then that... I don’t wanna leave him.... I do love him. But I don’t know if I wanna live with having sex 3-5 times a year (and sometimes none, throughout the year) for the rest of my life... Are there people like me here? Or is it only people being abused (but some doesn’t realize it yet....)? Reading a lot - like you've been doing - is a good idea Sister jenshella . Find your feet in here. You are not obliged to do anything....staying is every bit as valid as leaving, or cheating. Most people stay. Some people leave. Some rare rare cases result in turnarounds. But like everyone else here, you sooner or later have to make a choice, and own it. That's not today.
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Post by Handy on Oct 29, 2018 11:26:07 GMT -5
jenshella, welcome to the forum. Yes there are other women and some men with a similar marriage. No, you are not ugly or boring. Some men and women just do not think about sex. That is the way THEY are. There are also some people that are mostly or completely asexual.
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Post by jenshella on Oct 29, 2018 15:17:04 GMT -5
Reading a lot - like you've been doing - is a good idea Sister jenshella . Find your feet in here. You are not obliged to do anything....staying is every bit as valid as leaving, or cheating. Most people stay. Some people leave. Some rare rare cases result in turnarounds. But like everyone else here, you sooner or later have to make a choice, and own it. That's not today. Yes. I believe in owning my decisions. And that not doing anything is also a decision. I will read and learn and eventually make up my mind....
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 30, 2018 9:06:46 GMT -5
Welcome jenshella - I was in an SM due to his health problems. That’s what I told myself when I first found the forum. “If only he hadn’t gotten prostate cancer” I had to put my thinking to a thorough testing against objective evidence. Upon rereading old journals, getting a therapist, and “seeing” differently - I found that prostate cancer, it’s attendant treatment and side effects, my H’s reaction to all that and the flow-over if those attitudes to the way he treated me - were not, in fact, the only problems. My SM was not just the last 3 years and the dealing with all of that. The journals showed me - in my own handwriting! - that we had been having this “not enough sex, not enough tenderness” conversation off and on for all of the 17 years we had been married. The first 10 years or so, the difference was that he would reset me - when I brought it up, he would change his behavior- for a while. For long enough to get me to stop complaining or feeling neglected. But then it would slowly slide into “not enough” again. I would get up my courage again. We would discuss- again. So this time I finally had to admit that even if it could change, it wouldn’t be lasting. And with no prostate, he’d never get hard (because he refused to even consider certain available treatments). And even if he agreed to counseling or learning to only give without receiving (sexually), that could take years to improve the emotional basis we had lived on. I had to get out while I was still young enough to DO something with my time (I was 47, he was 64). I am glad I left. I had exhausted all other options and, in my mind, I had to choose self-preservation- not in a physical sense, but to save my spirit, heart, personality... the part of me that is still fun-living and believes we should thrive, not just survive our life. Keep reading. And welcome.
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jetcity
Junior Member
Searching for an answer
Posts: 62
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by jetcity on Oct 31, 2018 13:05:08 GMT -5
Hi, i just found this message board and I have been browsing and reading a lot. I’m not sure if I will fit in, but who knows....? Only one way to find out.... I’ve been together with my man for 17 years now and - as I am here - we don’t have sex very often. Like most, I have wondered if I am boring, or not attractive anymore, if he has an affair or if he’s gay... But in the end, I just think he isn’t into sex.... And as a lot of newbies, I am also going to state that ”except for sex it is fine”. There seem to be so many here in abusive relationship it is painful even to read about it. Having to stay due to kids or financial reasons most be horrible.... I don’t have kids and I don’t have big loans and I do have a decent salary.... I don’t have to stay.... But he is nice, polite and caring, tells me he loves me almost every day... He is supportive and happy for me if I do well at something. We have common interests and do stuff together. I can hug him and sit on his lap. But I can’t do anything more sexual then that... I don’t wanna leave him.... I do love him. But I don’t know if I wanna live with having sex 3-5 times a year (and sometimes none, throughout the year) for the rest of my life... Are there people like me here? Or is it only people being abused (but some doesn’t realize it yet....)? I am in the exact same boat. My wife and I have been married for 20+ years. We love each other, but there is no sex. For me it’s like I only have two choices, stay and live with it or outsource. So to answer your question, no you are not alone. heres the way I think of the choices, using a very crude metaphor; here’s a crap sandwich, what half do you want?
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Post by jenshella on Oct 31, 2018 14:40:30 GMT -5
I am in the exact same boat. My wife and I have been married for 20+ years. We love each other, but there is no sex. For me it’s like I only have two choices, stay and live with it or outsource. So to answer your question, no you are not alone. heres the way I think of the choices, using a very crude metaphor; here’s a crap sandwich, what half do you want? Yes, I have thought about outsourcing a lot lately.... But I’m not there yet...
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Post by jenshella on Oct 31, 2018 14:44:51 GMT -5
Welcome jenshella - I was in an SM due to his health problems. That’s what I told myself when I first found the forum. “If only he hadn’t gotten prostate cancer” I had to put my thinking to a thorough testing against objective evidence. Upon rereading old journals, getting a therapist, and “seeing” differently - I found that prostate cancer, it’s attendant treatment and side effects, my H’s reaction to all that and the flow-over if those attitudes to the way he treated me - were not, in fact, the only problems. My SM was not just the last 3 years and the dealing with all of that. The journals showed me - in my own handwriting! - that we had been having this “not enough sex, not enough tenderness” conversation off and on for all of the 17 years we had been married. The first 10 years or so, the difference was that he would reset me - when I brought it up, he would change his behavior- for a while. For long enough to get me to stop complaining or feeling neglected. But then it would slowly slide into “not enough” again. I would get up my courage again. We would discuss- again. So this time I finally had to admit that even if it could change, it wouldn’t be lasting. And with no prostate, he’d never get hard (because he refused to even consider certain available treatments). And even if he agreed to counseling or learning to only give without receiving (sexually), that could take years to improve the emotional basis we had lived on. I had to get out while I was still young enough to DO something with my time (I was 47, he was 64). I am glad I left. I had exhausted all other options and, in my mind, I had to choose self-preservation- not in a physical sense, but to save my spirit, heart, personality... the part of me that is still fun-living and believes we should thrive, not just survive our life. Keep reading. And welcome. Thank you. What a sad story! I’m glad you seem to be better now! Personally I feel better for being with my hubby.... except for not getting sex...
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