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Post by flashjohn on Sept 19, 2018 19:22:53 GMT -5
She believes in monogamy, but doesn't have any interest in sex... My friend, she does not believe in monogamy, she believes in forcing you into celibacy.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 20, 2018 7:07:28 GMT -5
I've been married for 22 years, of which the last 10 years have been sexless. My wife started losing interest after our second child was born. Our sex life went from once or twice a month to nothing. We discussed the lack of sex, but I was always met with indifference and frustration. She no longer desires it and doesn't want to feel used, and I certainly don't want her to feel that way either. I've channeled my frustration into physical activity...running, biking, tennis, weight lifting, yoga, and hiking to name a few. I've tried to encourage my wife to join me in these activities, but she's resistant. With all that said, we're great friends and very much enjoy each other's company. We have a good family life with our two kids and talk about what our lives will be when they are off to college. The lack of sex is really the only issue in our marriage. . I’m glad you found a short-term solution for getting som action. It’s dangerous, in ways, but I’m still happy for you about it. I would say you need to examine the statement “we’re great friends” - surface pleasantries, politely conceding that everything gets to be her way is not a friend. I suspect it has been helpful to tell yourself you’re great friends- but you don’t treat a REAL friend like this. You don’t have secrets, deeply hurtful unmet needs, etc. It is a convenient business partnership to run your household & raise your kids, but I don’t think it’s a true friendship. I would take on questioning all similar assumptions in other areas of your life with her. Is everything done “her way” in finances, education choices, kid bedtimes & activities, etc ? On re-examining, I bet you’ll find more areas where she is ruling the roost in similarly avoidant, controlling fashion, forcing you to concede the real power to HER preference without really noticing that you’ve given up your volition and power of choice. Welcome James - I am glad you found the forum.
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Post by thebaffledking on Sept 20, 2018 7:37:01 GMT -5
I once was of the "we're great friends" camp......then I woke the fuck up to the fact that one's own spouse should not deny you one of THEE most bonding aspects of marriage. It's bullshit. I can't tell you how many times people have started off with the "great friends" notion and then watched them burn away like a hot fuse in the ensuing months or years. Sorry to be blunt, but please wake up. This is not 'friendship'. This is her USING YOU politely to fulfill all her needs while you end up googling 'sexless marriage'. I have been there. Now I'm out......and my gawd does it feel so FREEING and AMAZING to be living authentically again.
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xfoo
New Member
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by xfoo on Sept 21, 2018 2:06:30 GMT -5
She believes in monogamy, but doesn't have any interest in sex...ironic? hypocritical? I can't decide if she's both given the circumstances. I had a co-worker who was definitely showing more than a passing interest in me. Some very blatant flirting at a company party prompted a very angry wife to accuse me of having an affair (nothing ever went beyond flirting). I asked her "You don't want to have sex with me. Why do you care if she does?" "Because I'm your wife!" is all she could manage.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 21, 2018 2:52:15 GMT -5
At the heart of marriage is the covenant pledge of fidelity A spouse that refuses sex breaches the covenant of fidelity in marriage as much as a spouse that decides to be unfaithful I asked her "You don't want to have sex with me. Why do you care if she does?" "Because I'm your wife!" is all she could manage.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 23, 2018 22:53:38 GMT -5
At the heart of marriage is the covenant pledge of fidelity A spouse that refuses sex breaches the covenant of fidelity in marriage as much as a spouse that decides to be unfaithful I asked her "You don't want to have sex with me. Why do you care if she does?" "Because I'm your wife!" is all she could manage. I totally agree with Daddeeo. Such a spouse also breaches the boundaries of being kind. Talk about rude!
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Post by saarinista on Sept 23, 2018 22:57:28 GMT -5
Married 50 years. Separate bedrooms for more than 10 years, quit counting so don't have an exact figure. Retired almost 8 years ago. W retired early 15+ years ago. Started out as her being the hottie,wanting to get married but I knew I couldn't pay for things because I was drafted into the US Army getting $128 a month. She was my only serious GF. Before the Army I was supporting myself and my mother, which the mother part continued after I was discharged after serving my 2 years. About a year after my discharge, we got married and lived in my area on the east coast. A year later a good job opened up in her Rocky mountain state so we moved here, bought a house, sold a house, built a house and have lived in it since '74. W was a SAHM until '86 when I has a sever back injury. We doth trained a couple of years for a different career. She got a job at a hospital where they had a "co-dependency no more" program. Her income became "her money" so she spent it on what ever she wanted. Meanwhile I took a big pay cut in a new career but still paid all of the household expenses. W worked part time, no sex a day before, during or a day after one of her work days. I snored so eventually moved to the spare bedroom. I got tested and fitted for sleep apnea but she didn't like my CPAP device. She continued to spend all of her paycheck on her things. I had my own repair business just worked more and more. She had a lumpectomy and then took anti-cancer drugs which kill a person's sex drive. I did some individual counseling and was on anti-depressants or a while but got off of them. W is on anti anxiety meds. Our daughter got divorced so moved her back to our state and bought a place for her and the grand kids to live in 8 years ago. Daughter agreed to buy the place from me but hasn't even paid for the taxes, insurance, and repairs. Now she had medical issues and misses a lot of work. I do things for people but eventually it seems to drive people away so I feel used. I have been reading ILIASM for over a year and have posted some on another SM forum. I have some questions and ideas saved from some of the people's threads I would like to kick around. Welcome. I sure hope you are able to find some well deserved enjoyment in life soon. It sounds like you're giving a lot more than you're getting and that's not okay in my book.
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Post by flashjohn on Sept 25, 2018 11:39:04 GMT -5
I had a co-worker who was definitely showing more than a passing interest in me. Some very blatant flirting at a company party prompted a very angry wife to accuse me of having an affair (nothing ever went beyond flirting). I asked her "You don't want to have sex with me. Why do you care if she does?" "Because I'm your wife!" is all she could manage. This is why I don't ever refer to my refuser as a wife. She was nothing more than a very demanding roommate.
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Post by Handy on Sept 26, 2018 15:32:43 GMT -5
Saarinista I sure hope you are able to find some well deserved enjoyment in life soon.
Thank you for the welcome and good thoughts.
I know meeting someone is POSSIBLE, but all I ever met were women that wanted friends and they wanted their independence. I suspect of the few women I do meet, none want to have an affair with a married guy. What I have found, as my name suggests, is most of the women I come into contact with want someone to fix things. I am good at that, maybe too good, so I have cut back a little on the physical fixing things part. In real life I wish I was to this place. My internal theme song is
Flashjohn This is why I don't ever refer to my refuser as a wife.
I used to dislike the term "my wife" because my W acted like wern't married sometimes. She acted independent so much I used to refer to her by her unmarried name.
I also know I don't own anyone, including the children I fathered.
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Post by stargaze on Sept 26, 2018 15:52:51 GMT -5
Hi I Somehow found this site. So here I am and touched to see so many people both men and women posting their stories. Not alone anymore. Uncanny how so many posts sound my frustration. Almost to a t in some cases. Not sure what else. My 23 plus years in marriage has seen some good times and bad. The takeaway is I am married to a verbal abuser who has physical intamcy issues. Even at he height of our sex life she would often promise to do it later and then later forget. God forbid I would ask or get upset. I was tempted to cheat for years and the Most I ever did was 1st base a few glorious times(wife is a bad kisser)
3 years ago it all but dried up. I would get the occasional “taking care of” when I would ask. Increasingly requests were met with. Rolling of the eyes and something like”right now you want it?” Then came the heavy sighs and anger at my libido. So I gave up asking.
No kiss can last more than few seconds and no touching. We have a great friendship and have worked though crap. Yet the lack of any passion is a killer. I adore women and have many that flirt with Me before they see the ring.
The straw that broke it was when a woman came on to me a few weeks back. My God here eyes her smile and body. It launched me into deep fantasy of a romance between us. Ok I know but still. I just saw her agian. It hurts. I cannot divorce for $ reasons at this time. I give up! Life is too short. I reject this moral high ground of staying faithful. I have repeatedly tried to talk to her about this. She phones it in then gets mad. She’s let herself go and has in public shamed me. So I got a fat fridged bag hag that I am chained to who I care about and In Many ways respect...
If the opportunity presents itself I know I will stil struggle with the issue but now I say “f” it I need touch I need to be a man...
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Post by stargaze on Sept 26, 2018 15:53:29 GMT -5
Hi I Somehow found this site. So here I am and touched to see so many people both men and women posting their stories. Not alone anymore. Uncanny how so many posts sound my frustration. Almost to a t in some cases. Not sure what else. My 23 plus years in marriage has seen some good times and bad. The takeaway is I am married to a verbal abuser who has physical intamcy issues. Even at he height of our sex life she would often promise to do it later and then later forget. God forbid I would ask or get upset. I was tempted to cheat for years and the Most I ever did was 1st base a few glorious times(wife is a bad kisser)
3 years ago it all but dried up. I would get the occasional “taking care of” when I would ask. Increasingly requests were met with. Rolling of the eyes and something like”right now you want it?” Then came the heavy sighs and anger at my libido. So I gave up asking.
No kiss can last more than few seconds and no touching. We have a great friendship and have worked though crap. Yet the lack of any passion is a killer. I adore women and have many that flirt with Me before they see the ring.
The straw that broke it was when a woman came on to me a few weeks back. My God here eyes her smile and body. It launched me into deep fantasy of a romance between us. Ok I know but still. I just saw her agian. It hurts. I cannot divorce for $ reasons at this time. I give up! Life is too short. I reject this moral high ground of staying faithful. I have repeatedly tried to talk to her about this. She phones it in then gets mad. She’s let herself go and has in public shamed me. So I got a fat fridged bag hag that I am chained to who I care about and In Many ways respect...
If the opportunity presents itself I know I will stil struggle with the issue but now I say “f” it I need touch I need to be a man...
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Post by baza on Sept 26, 2018 18:23:30 GMT -5
This bit - "I cannot divorce for $ reasons at this time" - Can you elaborate on that Brother stargaze ?
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 27, 2018 11:09:18 GMT -5
Welcome pilgrim. And thanks for sharing your story. You'll find here we are a motley crew. I'm sorry that you had to find us along your weary journey but having done so might make your journey less weary. So stay, have a look around, read and absorb. You may find the support and comraderie you didnt know you sought. All the best. Hi I Somehow found this site. So here I am and touched to see so many people both men and women posting their stories. Not alone anymore. Uncanny how so many posts sound my frustration. Almost to a t in some cases. Not sure what else. My 23 plus years in marriage has seen some good times and bad. The takeaway is I am married to a verbal abuser who has physical intamcy issues. Even at he height of our sex life she would often promise to do it later and then later forget. God forbid I would ask or get upset. I was tempted to cheat for years and the Most I ever did was 1st base a few glorious times(wife is a bad kisser) 3 years ago it all but dried up. I would get the occasional “taking care of” when I would ask. Increasingly requests were met with. Rolling of the eyes and something like”right now you want it?” Then came the heavy sighs and anger at my libido. So I gave up asking. No kiss can last more than few seconds and no touching. We have a great friendship and have worked though crap. Yet the lack of any passion is a killer. I adore women and have many that flirt with Me before they see the ring. The straw that broke it was when a woman came on to me a few weeks back. My God here eyes her smile and body. It launched me into deep fantasy of a romance between us. Ok I know but still. I just saw her agian. It hurts. I cannot divorce for $ reasons at this time. I give up! Life is too short. I reject this moral high ground of staying faithful. I have repeatedly tried to talk to her about this. She phones it in then gets mad. She’s let herself go and has in public shamed me. So I got a fat fridged bag hag that I am chained to who I care about and In Many ways respect... If the opportunity presents itself I know I will stil struggle with the issue but now I say “f” it I need touch I need to be a man...
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Post by saarinista on Sept 27, 2018 16:41:40 GMT -5
Hi I Somehow found this site. So here I am and touched to see so many people both men and women posting their stories. Not alone anymore. Uncanny how so many posts sound my frustration. Almost to a t in some cases. Not sure what else. My 23 plus years in marriage has seen some good times and bad. The takeaway is I am married to a verbal abuser who has physical intamcy issues. Even at he height of our sex life she would often promise to do it later and then later forget. God forbid I would ask or get upset. I was tempted to cheat for years and the Most I ever did was 1st base a few glorious times(wife is a bad kisser) 3 years ago it all but dried up. I would get the occasional “taking care of” when I would ask. Increasingly requests were met with. Rolling of the eyes and something like”right now you want it?” Then came the heavy sighs and anger at my libido. So I gave up asking. No kiss can last more than few seconds and no touching. We have a great friendship and have worked though crap. Yet the lack of any passion is a killer. I adore women and have many that flirt with Me before they see the ring. The straw that broke it was when a woman came on to me a few weeks back. My God here eyes her smile and body. It launched me into deep fantasy of a romance between us. Ok I know but still. I just saw her agian. It hurts. I cannot divorce for $ reasons at this time. I give up! Life is too short. I reject this moral high ground of staying faithful. I have repeatedly tried to talk to her about this. She phones it in then gets mad. She’s let herself go and has in public shamed me. So I got a fat fridged bag hag that I am chained to who I care about and In Many ways respect... If the opportunity presents itself I know I will stil struggle with the issue but now I say “f” it I need touch I need to be a man... sorry to hear this but welcome nevertheless. If you're like me and not sure what to do, you still will find Comfort here, I think, knowing that you are not alone in your loneliness. 😁😭 I'm not sure you've suggested professional counseling, but if not, I suggest that. second thought- not sure of your wife's age,but perimenopause or menopause and hormonal changes can make sex painful and/or lead to a change in libido. However a doctor might be able to prescribe things that might help. in a pinch, there's always good old coconut oil. Added bonus-it's vegan! 😁😂😩😭 sorry, y'all. I'm a mood today!
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Post by Black Eagle on Oct 6, 2018 11:14:57 GMT -5
I’m BlackEagle and been away for a while but I’m into year6+ of no sex and year 22 of no real intimacy with my partner. We have children, grandchildren and great grandchildren so we’ve worked out a lane for survival here in the Mountain State but it still sucks sometimes. I’ve just connected with a friend from long ago and she was always a good person who understood this world I’ve Chou. I’m in my mid sixties and in pretty good shape but the chance on things changing between me my partner don’t exist and I’m not sure I’d want it to at this point.
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