kh
New Member
Posts: 1
|
Post by kh on Sept 4, 2018 4:20:23 GMT -5
Hi everyone, I'm Kevin, a male in his mid 30s who has been married for almost 5 years now. I'm glad to have found this site. I have been having a really hard time.
My W knew that I really enjoyed physical touch /love, but shortly after marriage this all stopped. We eventually started having a kid and the sex started up again, but it was so clinical that I don't want to count it. Timed to ovulation with a time limit on ejaculation.
I have read through a lot of your stories and hate that I know this pain of lying next to someone who doesn't want you (or care to go through motions even)
I'm an engineer by trade and also a very optimistic/logical buy, but I'm starting to give up hope that there is a solution. Well, without true communication - there is no hope.
I mean, a little two years ago, she implied that maybe its becasue I wasn't in great shape... I picked up calisthenics/yoga and lost almsot 60 lbs (from 230 to 170) in less than a year... and physically i'm pretty decent now. I used data and consistency to this. I am thankful for her motivating me to be healthier, but I just dont understand...
Why keep me around or pretend to love me? Is she happy? Are some people just happier without sex?
We are contemplating separation at this moment, but we have a child now (8th month old daughter) who i love so very much. What's crazy is that latel,y my wife has decided we should ahvea nother kid. But if she refuses to have sex with me sober and for love/enjoyment, I am not an option. I don't know when my life turned into a soap opera lol.
Yesterday, I was out at a bar with some friends and this girl was coming onto me so hard. Even though i told her I was married. I am starting to wonder...
More relevant details: Our cadence of love making is like once ever 2 or 3 weeks and usually shes drunk. the last time this happened she called me by another name. I've been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 years as well.
The sex isn't what really kills me. I need physical touch - to be able to sit close shoulder to shoulder through a movie. is that too much to ask? I am sure she isnt seeing anyone else. It's all very confusing.
She bought a new place an I think she is moving there and we will do a trial separating splitting time with our kid. She's already given me permission to find someone else to emet my physical needs... but i 'm pretty sure ethis is a test too? bleh.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 4, 2018 5:47:33 GMT -5
"Are some people just happier without sex?" - you ask Brother kh . Short answer is yes, some people are happier without sex, generally. And, some people are happier without sex, specifically without sex involving you. Though they might fire up with someone else. Either way, you are just as disenfranchised. It is a pretty bleak story you have put up Brother kh . It would appear to be most unwise to have another kid at this point. It looks like this is going to be a huge job to sort this situation out as it stands right now. Adding a further complication would seem contraindicated.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Sept 4, 2018 9:48:25 GMT -5
kh, you are being setup for financial hardship, and you need to stop funding her bad behavior. Having a child with her was a really bad idea, not that many of us haven’t done it. Certainly don’t have another. You really ought to talk to a lawyer about current events and find out where it puts you. In most geographies, their initial consultation is free. And really, you need to find out soon. And don’t just look at today’s prospects, ask about how that landscape changes if you wait 10 or 20 years. As much as I’d like to be pro-marriage, nuclear family, and stay-at-home-mom, society has made that a financially crippling proposition for the sole breadwinner (typically the husband). It compels you to stay for the sake of the kids and to avoid child support, after which time a 20-year precedent has been set and you’re facing a large alimony for life and a reset on your retirement savings.
|
|
|
Post by javba on Sept 4, 2018 10:45:47 GMT -5
Hi everyone, I'm Kevin, a male in his mid 30s who has been married for almost 5 years now. I'm glad to have found this site. I have been having a really hard time. My W knew that I really enjoyed physical touch /love, but shortly after marriage this all stopped. We eventually started having a kid and the sex started up again, but it was so clinical that I don't want to count it. Timed to ovulation with a time limit on ejaculation. I have read through a lot of your stories and hate that I know this pain of lying next to someone who doesn't want you (or care to go through motions even) I'm an engineer by trade and also a very optimistic/logical buy, but I'm starting to give up hope that there is a solution. Well, without true communication - there is no hope. I mean, a little two years ago, she implied that maybe its becasue I wasn't in great shape... I picked up calisthenics/yoga and lost almsot 60 lbs (from 230 to 170) in less than a year... and physically i'm pretty decent now. I used data and consistency to this. I am thankful for her motivating me to be healthier, but I just dont understand... Why keep me around or pretend to love me? Is she happy? Are some people just happier without sex? We are contemplating separation at this moment, but we have a child now (8th month old daughter) who i love so very much. What's crazy is that latel,y my wife has decided we should ahvea nother kid. But if she refuses to have sex with me sober and for love/enjoyment, I am not an option. I don't know when my life turned into a soap opera lol. Yesterday, I was out at a bar with some friends and this girl was coming onto me so hard. Even though i told her I was married. I am starting to wonder... More relevant details: Our cadence of love making is like once ever 2 or 3 weeks and usually shes drunk. the last time this happened she called me by another name. I've been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 years as well. The sex isn't what really kills me. I need physical touch - to be able to sit close shoulder to shoulder through a movie. is that too much to ask? I am sure she isnt seeing anyone else. It's all very confusing. She bought a new place an I think she is moving there and we will do a trial separating splitting time with our kid. She's already given me permission to find someone else to emet my physical needs... but i 'm pretty sure ethis is a test too? bleh. Thanks for writing and welcome to the board. Your particular situation appears ready for a trial split and legal formalization to me, You can spend more time trying to patch the mirror of this relationship - but to me the end result would lead right back here. Would it give you more impetus if you could confirm she's seeing someone, given how poorly it has gone for you?
|
|
|
Post by jamesbonding on Sept 6, 2018 0:22:07 GMT -5
We are contemplating separation at this moment, but we have a child now (8th month old daughter) who i love so very much. What's crazy is that latel,y my wife has decided we should ahvea nother kid. But if she refuses to have sex with me sober and for love/enjoyment, I am not an option. I don't know when my life turned into a soap opera lol. Yesterday, I was out at a bar with some friends and this girl was coming onto me so hard. Even though i told her I was married. I am starting to wonder... More relevant details: Our cadence of love making is like once ever 2 or 3 weeks and usually shes drunk. the last time this happened she called me by another name. I've been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 years as well. The sex isn't what really kills me. I need physical touch - to be able to sit close shoulder to shoulder through a movie. is that too much to ask? I am sure she isnt seeing anyone else. It's all very confusing. She bought a new place an I think she is moving there and we will do a trial separating splitting time with our kid. She's already given me permission to find someone else to emet my physical needs... but i 'm pretty sure ethis is a test too? bleh. "the last time this happened she called me by another name." - Makes me wonder if the kid is yours. Probably, but who knows. Have you considered getting a paternity test? "She bought a new place an I think she is moving there and we will do a trial separating splitting time with our kid." "What's crazy is that latel,y my wife has decided we should ahvea nother kid." This is so crazy I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it! My head wants to explode! She wants another kid, and yet she's bought another place and wants to separate? Sounds like she wants you as a sperm donor and ATM only. Get the hell out. Don't have any more kids with her. I agree with DryCreek. See a divorce lawyer to figure out what your options are. "She's already given me permission to find someone else to emet my physical needs" If for whatever reason you don't want to divorce, an open marriage might be a reasonable option. I'd recommend getting that "permission" in writing (signed and DATED), and keep it in a safe place, like a safety deposit box! "but i 'm pretty sure ethis is a test too?" - What do you mean by that? kh : "i dont understand why she will lie to me. don't tellme lie oh we can have esx next weekend or next month ... and keep pushing" Your situation sounds so bad that I would advise you to forget about ever having sex with her again. But for others in a more... optimistic? situation, I would suggest: First, figure out what your minimum acceptable sex frequency is, say once every ___ days, on average. Communicate that to your spouse. Then, get a calendar, negotiate a time for your next sex date, and draw a heart on that day on the calendar. If the sex happens, circle the heart in red and celebrate! If it doesn't happen, cross out the heart. In either case, negotiate the next sex date and repeat. In a month or two, the calendar will tell the story of how often you really have sex and how often it gets postponed. I did something like that on my own private calendar (not showing it to my wife). Originally I thought we had sex about once a week, but after 6 months of keeping records, I found it was once every 10 days on average. But even once a week is not acceptable to me.
|
|
gashino
New Member
Posts: 10
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by gashino on Sept 6, 2018 19:24:09 GMT -5
Hi, Am so glad I found this forum. I like most of us in here has been in a Sexless Marraige . . I started noticing the SM around 2012 and thought it was stress or Ed related. After looking at the situation with a clear mind I now realize it was always there. Sex was usually not more than 10 times a year . I was busy with the children and building my career that I did realize it was such a big problem that would affect me in so many ways. Thanks, Gashino.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 6, 2018 19:56:20 GMT -5
6 years + in a dysfunctional marriage, desperate enough to google "sexless marriage". You're so far ticking the boxes that make you a pretty 'normal' sort of a member here Sister gashino . Welcome.
|
|
|
Post by nyctos on Sept 7, 2018 7:42:29 GMT -5
kh, I definitely know what you mean about the clinical pregnancy sex. While my wife and I were trying, she specifically said it shouldn't be enjoyable. And it wasn't. More kids will do nothing to help the situation. Chances are that right after you had a kid it would go right back to sexlessness, and probably nowhere near on a schedule of once every two weeks, but more like every two months.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Sept 13, 2018 0:16:36 GMT -5
Married 50 years. Separate bedrooms for more than 10 years, quit counting so don't have an exact figure. Retired almost 8 years ago. W retired early 15+ years ago. Started out as her being the hottie,wanting to get married but I knew I couldn't pay for things because I was drafted into the US Army getting $128 a month. She was my only serious GF. Before the Army I was supporting myself and my mother, which the mother part continued after I was discharged after serving my 2 years. About a year after my discharge, we got married and lived in my area on the east coast. A year later a good job opened up in her Rocky mountain state so we moved here, bought a house, sold a house, built a house and have lived in it since '74.
W was a SAHM until '86 when I has a sever back injury. We doth trained a couple of years for a different career. She got a job at a hospital where they had a "co-dependency no more" program. Her income became "her money" so she spent it on what ever she wanted. Meanwhile I took a big pay cut in a new career but still paid all of the household expenses.
W worked part time, no sex a day before, during or a day after one of her work days. I snored so eventually moved to the spare bedroom. I got tested and fitted for sleep apnea but she didn't like my CPAP device. She continued to spend all of her paycheck on her things. I had my own repair business just worked more and more. She had a lumpectomy and then took anti-cancer drugs which kill a person's sex drive.
I did some individual counseling and was on anti-depressants or a while but got off of them. W is on anti anxiety meds. Our daughter got divorced so moved her back to our state and bought a place for her and the grand kids to live in 8 years ago. Daughter agreed to buy the place from me but hasn't even paid for the taxes, insurance, and repairs. Now she had medical issues and misses a lot of work.
I do things for people but eventually it seems to drive people away so I feel used.
I have been reading ILIASM for over a year and have posted some on another SM forum. I have some questions and ideas saved from some of the people's threads I would like to kick around.
|
|
|
Post by h on Sept 13, 2018 4:13:27 GMT -5
Welcome Handy to the club nobody wants to be in. I'm sorry you have the need to look for a place like this but glad you found us.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Sept 13, 2018 6:06:12 GMT -5
Wow Handy that is quite a story. You have given so much!! Welcome to the club. I look forward to hearing more from you.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2018 8:08:18 GMT -5
I've been married for 22 years, of which the last 10 years have been sexless. My wife started losing interest after our second child was born. Our sex life went from once or twice a month to nothing. We discussed the lack of sex, but I was always met with indifference and frustration. She no longer desires it and doesn't want to feel used, and I certainly don't want her to feel that way either. I've channeled my frustration into physical activity...running, biking, tennis, weight lifting, yoga, and hiking to name a few. I've tried to encourage my wife to join me in these activities, but she's resistant. With all that said, we're great friends and very much enjoy each other's company. We have a good family life with our two kids and talk about what our lives will be when they are off to college. The lack of sex is really the only issue in our marriage.
I've been in a friends-with-benefits arrangement for the last eight months with a divorced woman I met through my tennis club. I did not pursue her and I was hesitant, but she made it clear that she doesn't want to get in the middle of my marriage. She was also in a sexless marriage and worked up the courage to leave it after 15 years. Her ex-husband was impotent and embarrassed to address the issue, he was emotionally cold and abusive to her and their kids. She understands my situation and the need for sex and intimacy. She isn't someone I can see a future with, but I enjoy the sex. She makes feel desired and confident again.
|
|
|
Post by h on Sept 16, 2018 8:50:00 GMT -5
Welcome @james595 to the club nobody wants to be a member of. It seems like you have a fairly reasonable plan for coping with your situation. I'm not sure if it would be possible to sustain for the long term but it's working for now. Does your wife know or suspect that you have this arrangement? Do you have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy or is it in secret?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2018 10:15:41 GMT -5
My wife doesn't know about my arrangement and she would be very angry and upset if she found out. She believes in monogamy, but doesn't have any interest in sex...ironic? hypocritical? I can't decide if she's both given the circumstances.
I know this isn't sustainable in the long-term, but it works for now. It's given me the confidence that it's possible to find an outlet outside of my marriage if this arrangement ends.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Sept 16, 2018 22:02:25 GMT -5
My wife doesn't know about my arrangement and she would be very angry and upset if she found out. She believes in monogamy, but doesn't have any interest in sex...ironic? hypocritical? I can't decide if she's both given the circumstances. I know this isn't sustainable in the long-term, but it works for now. It's given me the confidence that it's possible to find an outlet outside of my marriage if this arrangement ends. Welcome, James. I agree that it's unacceptable and ridiculous for sexually disinterested/refusing spouses to expect the non-refuser to stay celibate. congrats on learning about what's possible and finding a partner. just be careful.
|
|