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Post by noodlenoggin on Aug 14, 2018 15:54:20 GMT -5
Hi. Been married for 21 years this week, and we have sex maybe once a year. Four kids, from 18 to 11, and I love my wife and kids. I don't want an affair, I don't want a divorce and I don't want a sexless marriage -- Probably like most people here. Maybe 10 years ago I gave up on trying to initiate sex, after ten years of nonstop rejection. Now I feel kind of disgusted with myself that I even have carnal desires. I can't even imagine a relationship that actually included romance and intimacy. Since we were married, we basically only had sex to make children, on her timetable. What I've wanted has never seemed to matter in this regard. She says she likes and misses sex...but she's said that for over ten years and never tries to initiate...it's just words at this point, and I've given up trying. We don't kiss, we don't flirt, we might hug once every other week, but there is such a total lack of intimacy that it hurts. Oh, wait, she does snuggle if we're in bed at night...when I'm sleeping...and asks me in the morning if I liked it. Like I'd know. I'm probably a total mess. I'm going to read some forums.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 14, 2018 17:58:14 GMT -5
Wwlcome runnerguy and noodlenoggin to the crappiest club with the greatest people. Read through the forums, post, share. You are not alone
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Post by javba on Aug 14, 2018 18:04:37 GMT -5
Hi. Been married for 21 years this week, and we have sex maybe once a year. Four kids, from 18 to 11, and I love my wife and kids. I don't want an affair, I don't want a divorce and I don't want a sexless marriage -- Probably like most people here. Maybe 10 years ago I gave up on trying to initiate sex, after ten years of nonstop rejection. Now I feel kind of disgusted with myself that I even have carnal desires. I can't even imagine a relationship that actually included romance and intimacy. Since we were married, we basically only had sex to make children, on her timetable. What I've wanted has never seemed to matter in this regard. She says she likes and misses sex...but she's said that for over ten years and never tries to initiate...it's just words at this point, and I've given up trying. We don't kiss, we don't flirt, we might hug once every other week, but there is such a total lack of intimacy that it hurts. Oh, wait, she does snuggle if we're in bed at night...when I'm sleeping...and asks me in the morning if I liked it. Like I'd know. I'm probably a total mess. I'm going to read some forums. Noodle very similar situations. I'm not angry anymore. She likes cuddling. I'm not 5. Anyways, past human behaviors are pretty good prediction of future expected behaviors. I do have a leg up in that youngest has 2 years before I can consider a move away from the celibacy I'm in
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Post by h on Aug 14, 2018 19:01:14 GMT -5
Welcome runnerguy and noodlenoggin to the club nobody wants to be a member of. I'm sorry you found the need to look for us but glad you found us.
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Post by csl on Aug 14, 2018 21:10:42 GMT -5
Noodlenoggin? Narf!*
*(I think that's Pinkese for "welcome".)
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Post by noodlenoggin on Aug 15, 2018 12:06:48 GMT -5
Noodlenoggin? Narf!* *(I think that's Pinkese for "welcome".) Yeah, you get it.
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Post by h on Aug 16, 2018 4:31:11 GMT -5
Noodlenoggin? Narf!* *(I think that's Pinkese for "welcome".) Yeah, you get it. You and your pal Brain taking over the world tonight?
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Post by stillunderwarranty on Aug 20, 2018 2:53:36 GMT -5
I’m glad I found this site. While searching the Web over the past few years, I’ve found a few helpful articles, but they seem to only scratch the surface of the issue and offer the usual suggestions, such as “communication.” Then, there were the snarky, insensitive comments from casual readers offering their less-than-helpful input.
It’s useful to read in this forum that the low-sex and sexless marriage issue isn’t limited to middle-aged men, which is what I’d been led to believe. It looks like it affects women and people of many ages, and we tend to have so many of the same concerns.
I’m not in a sexless marriage, but if it were up to my wife, our situation would fit the definition. I believe she’d be fine with a frequency of once every six or eight weeks. I realize that’s far more than some people here. But that doesn’t work for me.
It wasn’t always this way. We’ve been married 21 years. For the first nine years, we had an active sex/intimate life. Then our daughter was born. My wife breastfed for six months, during which she often fell asleep in our daughter’s room.
I realized frequency of intimacy would be reduced then—but it never really picked back up. My wife continued to fall asleep in our daughter’s room, meaning I sleep alone for all or most of the night.
I certainly do my part with child care and house work, so it's not an issue of slacking off. We bought a new clothes washer, and three years later my wife asked me for the instructions because she didn’t know how to use it. Try buying men’s large rubber dishwashing gloves in the detergent aisle of the store, and you won’t find them. I get mine in the paint stripping area of the hardware section. She also doesn't know how to change the belt and bag on the vacuum cleaner. No, choreplay is not foreplay. It’s just getting necessary housework done.
“Communication,” in its various forms (long sincere talks, arguments, promises), generally leads to a positive change for a few weeks, followed always by a return to status quo. For 12-plus years.
Now that she’s in adolescence, our daughter wants a bit more independence. My wife has turned to watching hours of television, then being “too tired” for any form of intimacy, including me rubbing her back. After talks about this over the course of several months and one 12-hour marathon watching session, I cancelled the on-demand service we watched.
I’d signed up for it, and I wasn’t having it interfere with our lives. My wife wasn’t happy, but in a way understood.
I’ve asked her to talk to her gynecologist about a treatment for low libido during her appointment this week. We’ll see how it goes.
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Post by baza on Aug 20, 2018 4:01:30 GMT -5
I’m glad I found this site. While searching the Web over the past few years, I’ve found a few helpful articles, but they seem to only scratch the surface of the issue and offer the usual suggestions, such as “communication.” Then, there were the snarky, insensitive comments from casual readers offering their less-than-helpful input. It’s useful to read in this forum that the low-sex and sexless marriage issue isn’t limited to middle-aged men, which is what I’d been led to believe. It looks like it affects women and people of many ages, and we tend to have so many of the same concerns. I’m not in a sexless marriage, but if it were up to my wife, our situation would fit the definition. I believe she’d be fine with a frequency of once every six or eight weeks. I realize that’s far more than some people here. But that doesn’t work for me. It wasn’t always this way. We’ve been married 21 years. For the first nine years, we had an active sex/intimate life. Then our daughter was born. My wife breastfed for six months, during which she often fell asleep in our daughter’s room. I realized frequency of intimacy would be reduced then—but it never really picked back up. My wife continued to fall asleep in our daughter’s room, meaning I sleep alone for all or most of the night. I certainly do my part with child care and house work, so it's not an issue of slacking off. We bought a new clothes washer, and three years later my wife asked me for the instructions because she didn’t know how to use it. Try buying men’s large rubber dishwashing gloves in the detergent aisle of the store, and you won’t find them. I get mine in the paint stripping area of the hardware section. She also doesn't know how to change the belt and bag on the vacuum cleaner. No, choreplay is not foreplay. It’s just getting necessary housework done. “Communication,” in its various forms (long sincere talks, arguments, promises), generally leads to a positive change for a few weeks, followed always by a return to status quo. For 12-plus years. Now that she’s in adolescence, our daughter wants a bit more independence. My wife has turned to watching hours of television, then being “too tired” for any form of intimacy, including me rubbing her back. After talks about this over the course of several months and one 12-hour marathon watching session, I cancelled the on-demand service we watched. I’d signed up for it, and I wasn’t having it interfere with our lives. My wife wasn’t happy, but in a way understood. I’ve asked her to talk to her gynecologist about a treatment for low libido during her appointment this week. We’ll see how it goes. Have you been able to eliminate post partum depression (or depression generally) as a factor in this ? Presumably you have tried the scented candles and suchlike too. And obviously you are about to try a gyno approach in the few days. Just out of interest, what ownership has your missus taken of the issue ? Is she doing any of the "why chasing" or is that being left to you alone ? Anyway, welcome to the zoo Brother stillunderwarranty . Are you taking a position of - "everything is great bar the sex" ? What else is going on in your deal ?
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 20, 2018 5:54:55 GMT -5
Welcome stillunderwarranty. I agree that a trip to the doctor to discuss depression should be at the top of the To Do list for your wife. Or an examination of any meds she may be on as it could be related to side effects.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 20, 2018 8:10:36 GMT -5
Welcome stillunderwarrenty.
I 100% agree with choosinghappy. Hopefully she cares and loves you enough to take your advice.
I suggested to my wife that she discuss her problems related to lack of sex drive due to pre-post menopause with her doctor. She refused. She had already decided that she didn't want medical treatment for it. She said the scare of cancer from the treatments was just too much. So she shut down sex and has basically caused our relationship to die.
Not trying to discourage you, just sharing of what happened to me when I tried to get my wife to seek medical help.
Hope your situation turns out better.
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Post by stillunderwarranty on Aug 21, 2018 7:34:40 GMT -5
Thanks for your thoughtful comments, everyone.
My wife seemed elated after our daughter was born, so I’m thinking there wasn’t an issue of post-partum depression. Instead, there’s an attachment that extends beyond the natural bonds of motherhood. It’s as if she thinks our daughter is the sister or best friend she wishes she had. In adolescence, even our daughter has noticed it, saying, “Mom, I’m not your therapist,” when my wife goes into a little too much detail on various woes.
Yes, depression is an issue. Years ago my wife started on an SSRI, which is a known libido-reducer. She then switched to an NDRI, which does not have that effect. We saw some improvement in the intimacy department.
The odd thing is, my wife says she likes sex when we get around to having it. Really likes it. Getting there is the issue. She approaches it with the same enthusiasm I have for yard work: there are many things I’d rather be doing, and it’s easy to invent excuses not to start. But once I’m outdoors and start seeing the results, it’s actually enjoyable.
So sex has become her yard work—and she’s leaning more toward a low-maintenance, pesticide-free natural landscape. Some call it “English garden,” others just call code enforcement.
As far as my wife taking ownership, after heartfelt talks (or arguments), sure, we come to the usual agreements about next steps. And it does work for a few weeks. Then it’s back to status quo. So many more things to do other than yard work. She’s tired. Why now? She doesn’t feel good. Our daughter needs attention. Maybe later in the week.
To answer the question of whether everything is great bar the sex…it’s complicated. We’ve both had career ups and downs. Growing up, my family moved for educational and job opportunities, so I saw what it was like for people to face various challenges as they advanced. My wife’s family are big fish in a small pond region where they inherited a family business, were always quite financially secure and no one moves far. Just this morning she half-jokingly brought up how nice it was to have a housekeeper and her grandmother only a quarter mile away to help around the house when she was growing up.
Adjusting to life outside “Mayberry” has been a challenge for my wife ever since college.
Regarding scented candles, yep. Got those. Pink Sands was the latest one I saw on the window sill. I’d be willing to try “Barry White Sings at the Sands,” if I thought it would work.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 21, 2018 8:19:39 GMT -5
Thanks for your thoughtful comments, everyone. My wife seemed elated after our daughter was born, so I’m thinking there wasn’t an issue of post-partum depression. Instead, there’s an attachment that extends beyond the natural bonds of motherhood. It’s as if she thinks our daughter is the sister or best friend she wishes she had. In adolescence, even our daughter has noticed it, saying, “Mom, I’m not your therapist,” when my wife goes into a little too much detail on various woes. Here's an article that I think will be helpful for you. www.wealthysinglemommy.com/dear-dudes-stop-putting-kids-first/ You will also find a thread on it in the "Other Relationship Issues" section on here. It's written from a single moms perspective but applies very well to your current situation. Also be very aware that children are one of the most powerful tool/weapons for getting your way. A spouse will use them to form a triangulation against you. Marriage needs to come first, family second. Your wife may never want to grasp this because of her fears of sharing the control in your relationship. You will not be thankful for the difficult decisions that you will need to make regarding the good of yourself ,and the families future. However you can be thankful for having the FOG lifted ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and receiving a new perspective of what your relationship was, is, and where it is headed. shrink4men.com/2012/03/28/hoovers-dont-let-the-crazy-suck-you-back-in/
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Post by shorebreak on Aug 21, 2018 14:11:32 GMT -5
Thank you for providing this forum. It is nice to know I am not alone in this.
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Post by h on Aug 21, 2018 15:28:03 GMT -5
Welcome shorebreak to the club that nobody wants to be a member of. I'm sorry you had to look for us but glad you found us.
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