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Post by jenshella on Nov 1, 2018 11:29:57 GMT -5
Even though I will never do it again, I certainly wouldn't describe my wonderful and amazing outsourcing experiences as a "crap sandwich." Care to elaborate? Outsourcing have totally been on my mind lately.... I do understand the ”crap sandwich” though - i don’t like feeling forced into cheating. I don’t want to be a cheater. No matter if my AP is amazing or not... I feel very torn in this....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 12:18:35 GMT -5
Even though I will never do it again, I certainly wouldn't describe my wonderful and amazing outsourcing experiences as a "crap sandwich." Care to elaborate? Outsourcing have totally been on my mind lately.... I do understand the ”crap sandwich” though - i don’t like feeling forced into cheating. I don’t want to be a cheater. No matter if my AP is amazing or not... I feel very torn in this.... My story of my adventures is here: iliasm.org/thread/4480/year-iliasm Things have changed dramatically in my life since then, but that experience is a big reason my life is better now.
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jetcity
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by jetcity on Nov 1, 2018 12:34:52 GMT -5
I am in the exact same boat. My wife and I have been married for 20+ years. We love each other, but there is no sex. For me it’s like I only have two choices, stay and live with it or outsource. So to answer your question, no you are not alone. heres the way I think of the choices, using a very crude metaphor; here’s a crap sandwich, what half do you want? Even though I will never do it again, I certainly wouldn't describe my wonderful and amazing outsourcing experiences as a "crap sandwich." I’m talking about my current SM situation.
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Post by isthisit on Nov 2, 2018 15:38:25 GMT -5
I have been lurking on this forum since last summer, and have found a community of sensitive, thoughtful and compassionate people who demonstrate empathy and integrity and are generous with their time and wisdom. Reading your stories has been very helpful to me in coming to terms with my situation as well as taking time to clearly and carefully make decisions about my future. As I have gained so much from you already I think it is only polite to share my story with you.
So, I met my H 22 years ago, and fell for him quickly and pretty hard, which was somewhat out of character for me, as I am known to be pretty level headed. I still believe that it is not possible for one human being to love another more than I loved him at that time. We married fairly quickly and the first few years were blissful. The sex was off the scale amazing and several times daily (seriously, if Grissom & Catherine sprayed our home with luminol the guys on the space station could have picked it out).
Today sadly, things are very different. My H is emotionally neglectful (unintentionally, but hurts just the same) and ‘forgets’ about sex and other forms of day to day intimacy. For example, for three years running when asked what I would like for my birthday I responded with ‘to be kissed like a woman please….’ Nope- got a jumper. He doesn't even remember it happening. Tsk. H tells me that he loves me as much as ever, and nothing has changed for him, I’m the hottest thing on two legs etc……however, we can go weeks and months without any sex at all, which he doesn’t seem to notice. The brutal truth is that my H doesn't want to fuck me (thank you NSM) and this fact is crushing to my self esteem and makes me exceedingly lonely. I need that intimacy to feel cherished and loved. This forum has been so helpful as I now recognise my responses such as ‘why chasing’ are actually very normal. In common with many of you I have been patient, understanding, bloody annoyed and plagued with FOG.
A good while ago I made the decision to hang on in as it felt very wrong and indulgent to break up our otherwise happy family simply to get my rocks off. (It’s fair to say that I was probably still hoping that things would improve too). I take responsibility for my decision and own it (although I am not so sure that I would repeat it if I could turn back time). So, without realising it- I opted for the ‘college plan’. Today, our lovely children are happy, well balanced and rather fabulous young people in senior school with university on the horizon soon-ish, so my time is coming and I am actively planning my escape. I had been feeling very guilty and underhand about this but these thoughts are the only thing which has kept me sane for the last year or two. I recognise that I deserve to be happy and that I haven't been for the majority of my marriage now.
As with many of you, I have considered ’outsourcing’ as a possible short term solution, and sometimes this totally dominates my thinking. The recent thread asking whether members regretted this route caused a great deal of introspection for me, but I just don't think it’s for me. I have remained faithful to my husband, despite the challenges, and I am inexplicably proud of this (I am not judging others at all here- I’m born but not buried!). I guess I am just not ready yet, and doubt my ability to separate sex without some sort of emotional connection.
I still love my H , and expect that I always will, but more so in a similar way for my love for my brother- the term ‘Roomie” helped this understanding slot into place for me. I am grateful that I do not suffer from the fury evident in the posts of some members, it’s more of a sadness and resignation for me. I am aiming to achieve contentment and a different happiness, be that in a future relationship or not. After all, I have nothing to lose, I am virtually celibate and very lonely just now anyway. Thanks for listening, and thanks for sharing your stories which have helped me so much over the last few months.
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Post by flashjohn on Nov 2, 2018 16:03:20 GMT -5
isthisit I understand your reasons. I guess I did the college plan also. I moved out 6 months after my youngest went to college. It was really tough, and I hope that you don't have that much longer to wait. I do have to say that it was really tough to wait, but my refuser was very abusive, so I did not think I could leave my daughters with her.
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Post by baza on Nov 2, 2018 16:09:19 GMT -5
Congratulations on your post, after being a lurker for all that time Sister isthisit .
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Post by isthisit on Nov 2, 2018 17:27:52 GMT -5
isthisit I understand your reasons. I guess I did the college plan also. I moved out 6 months after my youngest went to college. It was really tough, and I hope that you don't have that much longer to wait. I do have to say that it was really tough to wait, but my refuser was very abusive, so I did not think I could leave my daughters with her. Thanks for the response Flashjohn. I have read your story with interest, and it and the others like it here give me hope that my future could potentially look different than my past. I think I am an interesting and reasonably attractive woman, so who knows? Maybe I will have reason to reinvent myself from isthisit to thisisit . For the purposes of clarity my H is never abusive at all- simply neglectful- which I guess can feel rotten, but not at all to the levels you have described. I am glad that you had a lovely outcome.
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Post by jamesbonding on Nov 3, 2018 1:29:15 GMT -5
isthisit, I wonder if your H has low testosterone. I'm no expert but I've heard that can cause low libido and cause guys to become less interested in their relationship, i.e. "neglectful." Have you had The Talk? Does he really understand how unhappy you are?
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Post by isthisit on Nov 3, 2018 14:22:30 GMT -5
isthisit , I wonder if your H has low testosterone. I'm no expert but I've heard that can cause low libido and cause guys to become less interested in their relationship, i.e. "neglectful." Have you had The Talk? Does he really understand how unhappy you are? Hello Jamesbonding, thanks for your reply. In answer to your first question I am not sure whether there is a hormone imbalance as you suggest. I have suggested a check in line with your thinking, however H bottled out at the GP. He really doesn't recognise that we have a problem at all, so has little motivation to pursue that line of thought. H's neglect is more wide ranging than perhaps I made clear. This was spectacularly illustrated when I was ill with a potentially deadly combo of bacterial pneumonia and viral meningitis. H did not recognise that I was ill, and ignored me all day- I had to call the paramedics myself. On arrival to AED he was informed of the probable diagnosis (i.e. could snuff it) and between my LP and rapid transfer to HDU suggested that I discharge myself. (I suspect that he lacked confidence to take care of our children then aged 8/12 and 3 years). As you would imagine I took some time to think about which address I wanted to be discharged to. Afterwards I tried to talk to him about how worthless his actions made me feel- but he just couldn't or wouldn't take this in and felt that I was very unreasonable as he was 'totally up the wall' during my admission. It took him 7 years to recognise how traumatising this episode was for me and finally apologised. I could give countless less extreme examples of taking me for granted. So, no malice intended just clueless. Regarding the last question, over the last decade I have tried to explain how his neglect and selfishness has diminished my feelings for him (like water on stone) and my commitment to our marriage. He gets very upset and panics- but just doesn't seem to retain the information and swiftly reverts to type. In the past I have felt guilty that I am asking (and expecting) him to become something that he isn't - but now remind myself that I am actually wanting him to become something he used to be when we met and married. I common with many of you, after the ring was on my finger he relaxed and made himself comfortable. I would never have been on a second date with the guy I wake up with today. Anyway, we are where we are, and I have given him a fair crack of the whip to rehabilitate himself while the children are growing up. My time is around the corner.
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Post by isthisit on Nov 3, 2018 14:49:42 GMT -5
Congratulations on your post, after being a lurker for all that time Sister isthisit . Baza, this made me giggle. Sister is my title in one of my workplaces, and I answer to this all the time! (but it doesn't say isthisit on my name badge). In case you are wondering, I am not a nun- I reckon they get more action than me.
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 3, 2018 19:11:00 GMT -5
isthisit I can understand you hospital episode, I want injured and the house and the wife was useless with providing first aid. After I bandaged my self up enough, I found the wife "panicking" ok the bed with the kids around her. That's when I said I'm driving myself to the ER and walked out. Another time I went in for surgery and I didn't trust her to make decisions if something happened so I had my dad go with me. My parents too the kids for the weekend so I can recover and rather then her staying to help me recover, so goes off to do stuff with her family, not even 24hrs after I got back home.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 5, 2018 11:46:42 GMT -5
isthisit for some reason I read your name as "isthisshit" and I answered "Yes, yes it is." Haha! Welcome and keep reading. There is wisdom here that can help you change your life.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 5, 2018 15:02:56 GMT -5
“This was spectacularly illustrated when I was ill with a potentially deadly combo of bacterial pneumonia and viral meningitis. H did not recognise that I was ill, and ignored me all day- I had to call the paramedics myself. On arrival to AED he was informed of the probable diagnosis (i.e. could snuff it) and between my LP and rapid transfer to HDU suggested that I discharge myself. (I suspect that he lacked confidence to take care of our children then aged 8/12 and 3 years)”
When I realized my sm had other problems was when I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack and then learned thAt the problem was major depression. My h expressed no concern. That was when I began to recognize his lack of empathy for me. I went into individual therapy, started antidepressants and after a few years realized I’d be happier not married to my h. I realized I’d be happier asa single than with a man with no concern for my needs. i’ve never regretted divorce.
In your case, you literally could have died of those diseases yet your husband was so dependent on you or selfish that he wanted you to leave the hospital. You deserve better treatment but probably are wasting your time if you expect such treatment from such a self centered man.
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Post by isthisit on Nov 6, 2018 14:16:14 GMT -5
isthisit for some reason I read your name as "isthisshit" and I answered "Yes, yes it is." Haha! Welcome and keep reading. There is wisdom here that can help you change your life. Ha ha, that's funny. Maybe that would have been a better pseudonym! Yes it certainly is pretty shitty at times. Thanks for the warm welcome.
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Post by jenshella on Nov 9, 2018 1:25:12 GMT -5
“This was spectacularly illustrated when I was ill with a potentially deadly combo of bacterial pneumonia and viral meningitis. H did not recognise that I was ill, and ignored me all day- I had to call the paramedics myself. On arrival to AED he was informed of the probable diagnosis (i.e. could snuff it) and between my LP and rapid transfer to HDU suggested that I discharge myself. (I suspect that he lacked confidence to take care of our children then aged 8/12 and 3 years)” When I realized my sm had other problems was when I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack and then learned thAt the problem was major depression. My h expressed no concern. That was when I began to recognize his lack of empathy for me. I went into individual therapy, started antidepressants and after a few years realized I’d be happier not married to my h. I realized I’d be happier asa single than with a man with no concern for my needs. i’ve never regretted divorce. In your case, you literally could have died of those diseases yet your husband was so dependent on you or selfish that he wanted you to leave the hospital. You deserve better treatment but probably are wasting your time if you expect such treatment from such a self centered man. Those are some ugly stories..... Selfish assholes!
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