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Post by carrie on May 31, 2018 23:16:46 GMT -5
Hi my name is Carrie,
I am F 44 yrs old, got married in 1998, known each other for 23 + yrs and live in a sexless marriage since we got married (should have read the fine prints on the marriage contract :-\ )
My husband and I tried therapy about 10 yrs ago, didn't work. We separated for a year and half, and I came back after he promised he would be more considerate of my needs and wanting to build a family.
I have been back with him since 2012, he hasn't touched me once since I came back. Before that, it was 5 yrs with no sex at all and the other 9 yrs prior we barely had sex. We have enough toes and fingers as a couple to count the number of times we were intimate, and you can subtract a hand.
He has no sex drive, no need for intimacy and doesn't like to cuddle (he feels crowded). We have traveled the world, seen some amazing places, been to the most romantic spots in the world (Paris, Bora Bora, Hawaii, etc.) and never did he even tried to be intimate. I have asked, pleaded, bought lingerie, bought toys, trying to make him jealous, asked him to let me go see elsewhere for my needs, a threesome; I did try everything I could think of. Nothing works.
He has had some health issues, but at this point, he doesn't want to help himself. He has blocked veins from cholesterol, he is diabetic and has gained a fair amount of weight. But I still find him sexy and desirable. He loves to dive, so he stopped smoking, but he eats sweets, drinks hard liquor everyday and stocks on carbs like never before. I know he is not happy with his body, he tells me often, I have suggesting going into counseling alone or together, he refuses over and over.
I am in my forties and my hormones are going wild. I am not proud of this but for over two years, I have seen someone in a similar situation. We are taking care of our needs without any other involvement. I feel bad to cheat on my husband but I cannot go on like that. Yes a divorce could be an idea and a solution, but I really do love him, he is my best friend and we are so great together, traveling, laughing, doing stuff together, we know each other inside out.
Is it because I am afraid of losing this part that I am stuck in this situation, the friendship, the companionship, the 20 yrs investment on us? I am just in despair of what I should, could or need to do. One day I wanna leave, the next I feel a pull to stay in this relationship because of my investment towards us. I even was advised by my church priest to consider a wedding annulment because we didn't have kids as he wasn't touching me.
I am at my wit's end. I feel alone in a ocean of couples that seems perfect and are living wonderful romances. Sometimes I tell myself, I am still young and could redo my life and than I look at what I built with my husband, all the great memories of our trips, our home, our fur-babies and get all confused again.
Anyone has some wisdom to bestow upon me? I feel exhausted being in my own head at times.
Thanks!
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Post by baza on Jun 1, 2018 0:47:33 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister carrie . You are among friends (although what I have written below probably isn't going to read like it) You've got a 20 year history of an ILIASM shithole behind you, so far. I've been involved with this group (and its predecessor) for 10 years and I am yet to see a situation with such a history ever recover. So I think you can pretty much ignore that possibility. It is probably going to come down to whether you can live with the situation as it is right now, or not. Either way, you have problems ahead of you. If you stay, then you'll need to cope with the intractable problems an ILIASM shithole brings with it - and you know what they are. Or, if you leave you'll need to deal with a whole new raft of problems (and opportunities) that come with being single (at least short term). "Which set of problems would give you your best shot at a happier future" would seem to be the key question. l Of course, given that you are outsourcing, your spouse may make that call for you if you get caught. Incidently, if you posted in the "sexless marriage issues" folder, you will almost certainly get a larger response than you'll attract in this "introduce yourself" folder.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 1, 2018 5:15:46 GMT -5
carrie I'm so sorry you have found yourself here and I hope you can find comfort and support. A lot of what you wrote resonates with me. I was married 23 years, we do have two kids, I divorced in 2016. I did the dating thing. Then in 2018 we got back together. Will it last who knows? But I'm happy for now. Turns out I wanted the companionship from my H and the sex from my lover. It works for me because I no longer desire my exH- he has a lot of health issues like your H. It boils down to compatibility vs companionship. Sometimes one person can't meet all of our needs. My sister is in a relationship with a man after 2 divorces, the chemistry is great but he's controlling, jealous, and has trust issues. So sometimes the people that the sex is great with we can't live with. Read a lot on here it helps and focus on yourself and your needs.
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Post by jerseyshoreboy on Jun 1, 2018 12:44:43 GMT -5
Hi Everyone, I’m Evan. I’ve been married to a starfish sexless wife for 20+ years. She has no interest in sex (with me) and only makes herself “more available” rather than changing her perspective. She is hyperunaffectionate and even our children notice it.
I’m fairly attractive, thin, and almost athletic (working out regularly) and get hit on when I’m out all the time. I’m at the point where I’m looking to meet woman that have been in a sexless marriage (not their choice) so we can see if there is a connection. I prefer Caucasian fit women only as I ask for what I give.
Rejection is not love.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2018 14:46:41 GMT -5
Hi jerseyshoreboy. Another NJ person here. Sorry for your situation. ILIASM is not meant to be a place to meet potential affair partners. It is really for advice and support. There is a lot of wisdom and experience on here. Good luck and welcome.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 15, 2018 2:59:31 GMT -5
Hi my name is Carrie, I am F 44 yrs old, got married in 1998, known each other for 23 + yrs and live in a sexless marriage since we got married (should have read the fine prints on the marriage contract :-\ ) My husband and I tried therapy about 10 yrs ago, didn't work. We separated for a year and half, and I came back after he promised he would be more considerate of my needs and wanting to build a family. I have been back with him since 2012, he hasn't touched me once since I came back. Before that, it was 5 yrs with no sex at all and the other 9 yrs prior we barely had sex. We have enough toes and fingers as a couple to count the number of times we were intimate, and you can subtract a hand. He has no sex drive, no need for intimacy and doesn't like to cuddle (he feels crowded). We have traveled the world, seen some amazing places, been to the most romantic spots in the world (Paris, Bora Bora, Hawaii, etc.) and never did he even tried to be intimate. I have asked, pleaded, bought lingerie, bought toys, trying to make him jealous, asked him to let me go see elsewhere for my needs, a threesome; I did try everything I could think of. Nothing works. He has had some health issues, but at this point, he doesn't want to help himself. He has blocked veins from cholesterol, he is diabetic and has gained a fair amount of weight. But I still find him sexy and desirable. He loves to dive, so he stopped smoking, but he eats sweets, drinks hard liquor everyday and stocks on carbs like never before. I know he is not happy with his body, he tells me often, I have suggesting going into counseling alone or together, he refuses over and over. I am in my forties and my hormones are going wild. I am not proud of this but for over two years, I have seen someone in a similar situation. We are taking care of our needs without any other involvement. I feel bad to cheat on my husband but I cannot go on like that. Yes a divorce could be an idea and a solution, but I really do love him, he is my best friend and we are so great together, traveling, laughing, doing stuff together, we know each other inside out. Is it because I am afraid of losing this part that I am stuck in this situation, the friendship, the companionship, the 20 yrs investment on us? I am just in despair of what I should, could or need to do. One day I wanna leave, the next I feel a pull to stay in this relationship because of my investment towards us. I even was advised by my church priest to consider a wedding annulment because we didn't have kids as he wasn't touching me. I am at my wit's end. I feel alone in a ocean of couples that seems perfect and are living wonderful romances. Sometimes I tell myself, I am still young and could redo my life and than I look at what I built with my husband, all the great memories of our trips, our home, our fur-babies and get all confused again. Anyone has some wisdom to bestow upon me? I feel exhausted being in my own head at times. Thanks! Welcome, carrie. So sorry you're in a dead marriage (albeit a decent friendship) but I'm glad you've found this site. You'll find plenty of support here and perhaps being to figure out a way to navigate your way to a more satisfying life.
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Post by javba on Jun 15, 2018 20:44:55 GMT -5
51 male Illinois Flying solo Raising kids Just lost faith she'll come around
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2018 20:53:18 GMT -5
51 male Illinois Flying solo Raising kids Just lost faith she'll come around Welcome I hope you find support here.
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Post by h on Jun 16, 2018 4:13:20 GMT -5
Sorry you found yourself here, but glad you found us javba . You are among friends.
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Post by elynne on Jun 18, 2018 2:37:31 GMT -5
Hello. I cry every time I log onto this site because I’m here and would rather not be. I guess it’s the same for all, more or less. I’m in my second marriage now for 10 years and never dreamed for the life of me, that it would become sexless. I think unpacked baggage from each of our previous marriages contributed to much conflict resulting in lack of desire. I think my husband seemed to be of the mindset that we needed to be getting along perfectly for intimacy to be brought back into the equation, while I felt that more intimacy would help us get along better! Now, with medical issues and seemingly no desire to do anything about it, I am left alone. At least now we’re much more cordial with one another...there is that. But I’m so lonely and frustrated and one night I simply googled, “help I’m in a sexless marriage.” I found this forum, so...here I am. There is indeed so much more, but that’s me for now. I hope I can figure out how to navigate this site! Thank you. Hi suiteone. I’m sorry you’re in the situation that you are in, but I’m glad you’ve found us. It’s small consolation, but you’re not alone. You’ll find folks just waking up to the problems, people who are working to leave their dysfunctional relationships, those that are determined to stay and handle the frustrations as best they can, those that are in the process of leaving, and some wise souls that have moved on and have built healthy relationships with new partners. The wealth of experience and support here is invaluable. I hope you find what you are looking for. Again, welcome.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jun 18, 2018 21:18:04 GMT -5
How do I even begin except to explain the situation? I have been married for 20 years, for over 18 years sex has been touch and go. The hardest part is I love my Wife with my whole heart and I love my family. We are best friends and enjoy each other’s company. The only person in my life I can talk to for hours and hours and it never gets old.
However, intimacy is an issue. She will flirt, tickle, and play but if I request or make a move for a physical sexual connection such as doing the same thing back as tickling and certainly sex, I am almost villainized. We are intimate only when it is because of some unknown combination of perfect events. This could be once a month or it could be once every four to six months. Half the time it is not good and half the time it is incredible… That is the issue. We teeter on the SM issue and about the time I am ok with it, the cycle starts again. I feel that I have to go through the 5 stages of grief every time we have sex. (Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)
I try to discuss the issues and I am treated, as if this is the only thing important to me. Many nights of frustration, anger, and resentment are the only thing killing our relationship. As the years, drag by I consider what to do and because we are such a good couple it makes it hard to know how to cope. How do you deal with a relationship that the only real issue is sex and most everything else is great?
Thanks,
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 19, 2018 0:33:36 GMT -5
okiedude... how to cope? Well, for some of us in your boat, the answer has been to keep asking that question for another 10 years. It’s a damn good question. I’m sorry you find yourself here, but you’re in familiar company and we’re glad you found us. We don’t have a lot of answers, but we can help with a sanity check.
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Post by baza on Jun 19, 2018 0:38:17 GMT -5
First suggestion okiedude , would be to put this statement - "the only real issue is sex and most everything else is great" - under the most rigorous scrutiny possible and objectively look at it for its' veracity. Many many stories in here start at "everything is great bar the sex", but there are not too many stories that end this way as the situation unfolds in full. Invariably there are other issues in play, and the sexual aspects represent a symptom, not a diagnosis. In your own words - "frustration, anger, and resentment are the only thing killing our relationship" - and it is the resentment that progressively infiltrates every aspect of the deal, even the things that today, you regard as 'good'. Welcome to the zoo.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 19, 2018 15:40:24 GMT -5
HI!
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Post by h on Jun 19, 2018 15:43:43 GMT -5
Hey! Welcome back flashjohn ! Never thought I would see you again after your account was deleted before.
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