|
Post by flashjohn on Jun 19, 2018 15:49:34 GMT -5
Hey! Welcome back flashjohn ! Never thought I would see you again after your account was deleted before.
Thanks my friend.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 20, 2018 7:41:43 GMT -5
Welcome back, flashjohn. I hope you will update us by posting a thread in the sm area.
|
|
catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 206
|
Post by catsloveme on Jun 20, 2018 14:02:14 GMT -5
Hi 👋 I’m new here but not new to living in a sexless marriage. 14 years! It has been a long strange journey. I think I’ve accepted that this is my reality in my marriage, but feel I’m at a crossroad. He says he wants to restore intimacy and work on that but then nothing happens. I’ve hit the “whatever” place, but it still hurts. I want that intimacy with my husband but it is not to be, apparently. I have come to realize that it’s not me, it’s him. I know that I’m desirable, fun, sexy, normal, etc.
Kids are out of the house. This is a second marriage for both of us. We’ve have a really good life together. I don’t want to divorce over this issue, but I’m not sure what’s next. What I do know is that I need to have physical intimacy and closeness to feel healthy and whole. So here I am, reading, thinking, trying to figure out how to navigate this.
Thank you all for sharing what you do—for putting your experiences here for others. I used to feel so alone. But now I know for sure I’m not.
|
|
|
Post by h on Jun 20, 2018 14:17:42 GMT -5
No, catsloveme you are not alone. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to be a member of. I'm sorry you have the need to look for us but glad you found us.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 20, 2018 16:32:07 GMT -5
Sorry you have found yourself here catslovemebut welcome. Keep reading and participating in the forum it helps. I hope you find comfort and support here.
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Jun 20, 2018 16:43:36 GMT -5
Hi 👋 I’m new here but not new to living in a sexless marriage. 14 years! It has been a long strange journey. I think I’ve accepted that this is my reality in my marriage, but feel I’m at a crossroad. He says he wants to restore intimacy and work on that but then nothing happens. I’ve hit the “whatever” place, but it still hurts. I want that intimacy with my husband but it is not to be, apparently. I have come to realize that it’s not me, it’s him. I know that I’m desirable, fun, sexy, normal, etc. Kids are out of the house. This is a second marriage for both of us. We’ve have a really good life together. I don’t want to divorce over this issue, but I’m not sure what’s next. What I do know is that I need to have physical intimacy and closeness to feel healthy and whole. So here I am, reading, thinking, trying to figure out how to navigate this. Thank you all for sharing what you do—for putting your experiences here for others. I used to feel so alone. But now I know for sure I’m not. No, you are not alone. Keep on posting and reading. I am thinking that you will start to understand just how badly this has affected you, and you will want to do something about it.
|
|
|
Post by time4intimacy on Jun 21, 2018 13:46:35 GMT -5
So many people in a similar situation. This is my second marriage, her third marriage. Sex was awesome the first 4 years of marriage and off the charts before marriage. Then a switch went off at year 4 and she has been less and less interested. Last year we had sex about 9 times, this year we have had sex 3 times. However, no sex over the last 4 months, our driest spell ever.
I am very frustrated and can't seem to get out of this rut. She told me the other day that she does feel bad, but she said unless she initiates sex, she feels like she is being sexually violated (she chose those words). We have been married 8 years, have a nice blended family, are financially sound, share lots of experiences, support each other and spend time together. I do love her, but not having any sex is really really hard for me.
In addition to trying to figure out how to have sex again, I am battling temptation to meet my needs elsewhere, which I know is not right. I have no desire to have a relationship with anyone else, except for casual sex.
Sorry for everyone on here, I know many have gone much, much longer than I have gone and never had a good sex life before the sexless part started. Hoping for some help on here and some support for others.
Everyone I know in real life envy my life.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2018 13:56:07 GMT -5
time4intimacy said: " I am very frustrated and can't seem to get out of this rut. She told me the other day that she does feel bad, but she said unless she initiates sex, she feels like she is being sexually violated (she chose those words). We have been married 8 years, have a nice blended family, are financially sound, share lots of experiences, support each other and spend time together. I do love her, but not having any sex is really really hard for me. "
Welcome. I think you'll find a lot of support and information here. I suggest that you post your story on the Sexless Marriage forum so that you can get feedback. My opinion is that unless your wife is actively working on her sexual hang-ups by getting counseling, she is content with not having sex with you, and it's unlikely she'll change. She may even be making up an excuse. Her behavior is not within your control, only hers. Unless she does the work of becoming sexual with you again, your options for sex will be to outsource or to divorce and thus make yourself completely available to a compatible partner.
|
|
|
Post by time4intimacy on Jun 21, 2018 14:28:00 GMT -5
Welcome. I think you'll find a lot of support and information here. I suggest that you post your story on the Sexless Marriage forum so that you can get feedback. My opinion is that unless your wife is actively working on her sexual hang-ups by getting counseling, she is content with not having sex with you, and it's unlikely she'll change. She may even be making up an excuse. Her behavior is not within your control, only hers. Unless she does the work of becoming sexual with you again, your options for sex will be to outsource or to divorce and thus make yourself completely available to a compatible partner. Thanks Northstarmom...my wife does not believe in counseling, so I am very afraid of it going the way you say. Neither one is a good choice.
|
|
okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by okiedude on Jun 22, 2018 13:41:04 GMT -5
First suggestion okiedude , would be to put this statement - "the only real issue is sex and most everything else is great" - under the most rigorous scrutiny possible and objectively look at it for its' veracity. Many many stories in here start at "everything is great bar the sex", but there are not too many stories that end this way as the situation unfolds in full. Invariably there are other issues in play, and the sexual aspects represent a symptom, not a diagnosis. In your own words - "frustration, anger, and resentment are the only thing killing our relationship" - and it is the resentment that progressively infiltrates every aspect of the deal, even the things that today, you regard as 'good'. Welcome to the zoo. Thank you, after reading other accounts it is the typical issue. I have complete love for her and she has only friendship/family love for me. I think that the killer is that she finds me attractive, good locking and enjoys physical touch. But actual sex is a no go. This tells me she is attracted to the companionship, looks, persona and me being a great father to our kids. Sounds that one of the issues of myself and people on this list is that in the attempt to correct the lack of needed connection, which sex is proof of romantic connection. We build a co-dependent relationship where we are doing everything to create the situation our spouses need. And they learn to expect our hard work and self sacrifice, being the friend husband and supporter. As we go crazy they get everything they need and will continue the refusal with the fear of us pulling away the over the top effort to fill their needs. We we are scared because deep down we know we want/need them much more than they need us. We know if we withdraw the co-dependent constant effort to make them happy they will leave us and then we will not be with the person we love. Lost love one of the most painful Things in life.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Jun 26, 2018 16:07:22 GMT -5
First suggestion okiedude , would be to put this statement - "the only real issue is sex and most everything else is great" - under the most rigorous scrutiny possible and objectively look at it for its' veracity. Many many stories in here start at "everything is great bar the sex", but there are not too many stories that end this way as the situation unfolds in full. Invariably there are other issues in play, and the sexual aspects represent a symptom, not a diagnosis. In your own words - "frustration, anger, and resentment are the only thing killing our relationship" - and it is the resentment that progressively infiltrates every aspect of the deal, even the things that today, you regard as 'good'. Welcome to the zoo. Thank you, after reading other accounts it is the typical issue. I have complete love for her and she has only friendship/family love for me. I think that the killer is that she finds me attractive, good locking and enjoys physical touch. But actual sex is a no go. This tells me she is attracted to the companionship, looks, persona and me being a great father to our kids. Sounds that one of the issues of myself and people on this list is that in the attempt to correct the lack of needed connection, which sex is proof of romantic connection. We build a co-dependent relationship where we are doing everything to create the situation our spouses need. And they learn to expect our hard work and self sacrifice, being the friend husband and supporter. As we go crazy they get everything they need and will continue the refusal with the fear of us pulling away the over the top effort to fill their needs. We we are scared because deep down we know we want/need them much more than they need us. We know if we withdraw the co-dependent constant effort to make them happy they will leave us and then we will not be with the person we love. Lost love one of the most painful Things in life. This rings so true for me. When I stopped making all the effort to make my husband happy and cater to his needs, I realized just how fragile the relationship was. In order to keep things going, I needed to make superhuman efforts. When I pull back we teeter on the brink of divorce. It’s no way to live. Lost love, realizing that your hope and effort is one sided and that you care much more about their happiness then they care about yours is indeed painful. But so is living long term in such a relationship. The question becomes which is less painful.
|
|
|
Post by xpiatio on Jun 29, 2018 13:27:03 GMT -5
Each time I try to start typing about my situation, I end up deleting it all. I guess it minimizes the situation I'm in, or perhaps it shows me all the points where I should have known I would be in this situation. All I can say is that I would consider myself to be an "average libdo" male, 37 y/o. I've been in past relationships where the woman wanted me to initiate more. This time I'm higher libido than my wife (35 y/o) is. She is a survivor of a 10 year sexual and verbal abusive relationship. A child to an alcoholic father, who self medicates his depression. She's been diagnosed with a handful of chronic illnesses. When dating we would be intimate about 2 times a week. Between the time being engaged, nothing. Honeymoon, once. We tried getting pregnannt for about a year but nothing was regular. During the pregnancy, twice spurred on by an intimate scene on TV. WHen we had our kid, she ended up with post partum depression. Now its probably once ever 3 months. We planned for a weekend away and she got her monthly visitor "a week early". Part of me wanted to say, "you know you don't have to wait until we plan a trip." I am always told that all I want to do is "F@ck". I tell her "There is nothing wrong with trying to make love with my wife. There is nothing wrong with a husband wanted to "F@ck" his wife. Once every 3 months isn't a healthy relationship. Trying to touch her intimately hurts. We tried to fool around and saw that she didn't like going down on me any more. On the weekends, she is tired from the work week, and she tells me "I'm going to lay down". So that leaves me taking care of our daughter alone. It doesn't feel like a collectively family. I'm burned out. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm feeling detached from my wife.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 29, 2018 19:58:36 GMT -5
Welcome, xplatio. I'm sorry that you are in a SM, but am glad that you have found this place so early in your marriage. I didn't find it until a week after my divorce from my husband of 34 years became final.
BTW, many people have sex when a woman is menstruating. And menstration doesn't prevent a woman from using her mouth or hands....
When you get a chance, consider reposting your story in the SM area because then more people will see it.
|
|
|
Post by nyctos on Jun 29, 2018 21:06:45 GMT -5
Welcome, @xplatio. I wish I had truly constructive advice other than to try to get emotional support where you can. Living in a SM can be horrible, and the one refusing will always blame you. Having kids also dropped me into a SM, and eventually I'll have to write a proper introduction post even though I've written some excerpts from my life. Intros are hard!
|
|
spartan92
New Member
Still sexless in Missouri, but I guess there is always hope!
Posts: 5
|
Post by spartan92 on Jul 1, 2018 0:48:29 GMT -5
Well, I used to be a part of this ILIASM thing when it was active on Experience Project. I was sorry to see that go, but here I am again (and not much has changed). Yep, I'm still a part of that group "no one really wants to be a part of". Been married for 35 years and the last 7 have been a complete dry spell (and the 3 years before that were getting pretty slim) so it seems I qualify. But since this forum is dedicated to our common problem, I guess we will all have a lot to talk about. So from that standpoint, it's great to be aboard. We'll see where this goes. J from Missouri.
|
|