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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2018 12:32:27 GMT -5
Hi, I'm new here, not quite ready to share all yet, will probably lurk and read some of the forums first.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 27, 2018 1:02:47 GMT -5
Hi.... I guess I'm here to find people who are dealing with similar things, so that I can learn to cope better or figure out how I can fix things or just vent a little and make some friends. I don't have any kind of support system so I'm going to try this out and see how it goes. This is my first post so I don't really want to get too much in to detail but I'll go on for a bit so there is something to respond to. I really love my husband and am very attracted to him, and really just want to be with him all the time but it's not reciprocated and I feel rejected all the time. Maybe the answer to my problem is to just somehow be sexier but I don't know how to do that and I guess I wanted someone that wanted me for who I am, and I thought that was what I was marrying. He still says he loves me and mostly just says he is tired or doesn't feel stimulated (unless I'm blowing him and even then he won't want it most of the time) he's said in the past that I should cut my hair or be blond or I should wear lingerie or something like that, I've done and tried to accommodate these things..but I feel really silly doing that and it doesn't make me feel loved or pretty at all, it makes me feel desperate or not good enough to begin with. I don't know, I really just want him to love me. I really feel broken hearted everyday even though we're still married and together. I keep looking for ways to get him to talk to me about what he really wants, like if he wants other women or if he's cheating on me, he always tells me no..and that he doesn't want a divorce so I guess I don't really understand what's the problem and kind of just feel like it's me being too ugly or too fat...while everyone tells me I'm not too fat... I've actually been seeing a therapist twice a month...who claims I'm dealing with anorexia and have been for years but I'm closer to the recovery side -in that- I'm currently a healthy weight and I really feel quite chubby now to be honest but I feel at my wits end and don't know how to bring us closer more often if anyone wants to talk or has any input I'm here. I asked my wife to dye her hair blonde too, but I was only joking. Your h is not cheating and he wants you to stay together. He cares for you. He doesn't care for sex nowadays though. And you love him a lot. He must be doing something right. My wife and I are soulmates. I'm working hard to make us sexually active and she is trying too. Hopefully you and your h can find that spark again like in the start. Barbara Bush was married for 73 yrs and their secret to keeping love alive is humor. He needs to dump his PS4. Just kidding.
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littlelamb
Junior Member
I don't know.
Posts: 56
Age Range: 26-30
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Post by littlelamb on Apr 27, 2018 1:17:34 GMT -5
I asked my wife to dye her hair blonde too, but I was only joking. Your h is not cheating and he wants you to stay together. He cares for you. He doesn't care for sex nowadays though. And you love him a lot. He must be doing something right. My wife and I are soulmates. I'm working hard to make us sexually active and she is trying too. Hopefully you and your h can find that spark again like in the start. Barbara Bush was married for 73 yrs and their secret to keeping love alive is humor. He needs to dump his PS4. Just kidding. I hope you're right.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 27, 2018 1:34:00 GMT -5
I asked my wife to dye her hair blonde too, but I was only joking. Your h is not cheating and he wants you to stay together. He cares for you. He doesn't care for sex nowadays though. And you love him a lot. He must be doing something right. My wife and I are soulmates. I'm working hard to make us sexually active and she is trying too. Hopefully you and your h can find that spark again like in the start. Barbara Bush was married for 73 yrs and their secret to keeping love alive is humor. He needs to dump his PS4. Just kidding. I hope you're right.[/quote] he needs to treat you better though. He focuses too much on himself and his video game. We all learn and get better with time. Ok, can't help it. Here's a nice video. I wouldn't trade my brunette for this lovely blonde though. I'm serious.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 27, 2018 2:07:50 GMT -5
littlelamb, next time JMX stops in she can probably share some thoughts on coping with a video gaming addiction. In the meantime, you might read some of her posts, starting with the most recent ones. She's about 10 years ahead of you, and I'll let you read the rest for yourself.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 27, 2018 6:45:52 GMT -5
“He cares for you. He doesn't care for sex nowadays though.”
What’s the evidence that her husband cares for her? Read littlelamb’s posts and you will note that her husband is a registered sex offender and her therapist believed he is attracted to young girls. I don’t see evidence that he cares much for her. She says he buys groceries, pays part of the rent and on her birthday, there’s no celebration: He cuddles her. When they have sex, he gets off but she doesn’t. He criticizes her for wanting sex. Frankly, he seems very indifferent to her.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 29, 2018 0:03:19 GMT -5
Hi, I'm new here, not quite ready to share all yet, will probably lurk and read some of the forums first. Welcome. No pressure to post your story until you want to. Meantime, read up on as many as you can. Sorry to know you need the forum, but glad that you found it.
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Post by elynne on Apr 29, 2018 3:01:12 GMT -5
Hi, I'm new here, not quite ready to share all yet, will probably lurk and read some of the forums first. Hi Stroika, welcome. An unhappy marriage isn’t a good place to be, but supportive and good company for along the way is better than going through it alone.
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Post by misery on Apr 29, 2018 19:23:47 GMT -5
Hello, thank you all for sharing your stories. I have read and can relate to many of them. My husband and I are in our late 40's and have been together for 16 years and married for 8. Like so many couples, we were so madly in love. I believed our love could sustain anything. Here we are now.. Clinically SM. I have always been an affectionate person and my H seemed to love that about me. But he shows very little interest in. I feel helpless in dealing with this as my H is in denial of the damage it is doing to our relationship. I feel He with holds any form of intimacy as a mean of control. Is this a 'thing' that people in need of control might do? I know that marriages have ups and downs there will be bumps in the road, sacrifices to make, etc... But I'm truly worried that this hump might get the better of us.
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Post by baza on Apr 29, 2018 19:38:40 GMT -5
Hello, thank you all for sharing your stories. I have read and can relate to many of them. My husband and I are in our late 40's and have been together for 16 years and married for 8. Like so many couples, we were so madly in love. I believed our love could sustain anything. Here we are now.. Clinically SM. I have always been an affectionate person and my H seemed to love that about me. But he shows very little interest in. I feel helpless in dealing with this as my H is in denial of the damage it is doing to our relationship. I feel He with holds any form of intimacy as a mean of control. Is this a 'thing' that people in need of control might do? I know that marriages have ups and downs there will be bumps in the road, sacrifices to make, etc... But I'm truly worried that this hump might get the better of us. Is this the only issue in your marriage Sister misery ? Invariably in this group, it ain't. Invariably there are deeper issues, and the paucity of sex is just the highly visible symptom. And, you ARE helpless to fix this. A partnership problem requires a partnership solution. One partner can't fix a partnership problem. You need two, and even then you are guaranteed nothing. You mention that his view is that there isn't a problem - that in and of itself is one HUGE problem he'd need to address before you even got up to the starting line of a partnership solution. Welcome, I hope you find some helpful stuff in here.
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Post by misery on Apr 29, 2018 21:19:55 GMT -5
Thank you for your wise insight. In General, considering our poor sex life, we still have some common interests, vacation every year, work together, have laughs and good times. But our intimate and deep connection we once shared, is void. H is good at avoiding marital problems. He doesn't communicate his feelings and avoids dealing with mine. when I try to discuss things be usually becomes defensive and makes excuses. He doesnt validate my feelings and brushes me off in hopes I will drop the subject. We argue a lot simply because we don't communicate well. I feel he keeps me at arms length and is emotionally manipulating me. sex drifted off slowly, from a couple times a week before we got married, to a about maybe 6 times last year ( I lost track ) we have gone 6months without at one point. Even back when we did have sex regularly He always seemed to be the one in charge of when , where and how and usually when I initiated he would Brush me off the last time he turned me down I lost my mind and told him he had No idea what he was doing to our marriage, this was 4years ago, since then I stopped initiating sex. and our sex life has hit the pits. He doesn't seem to look at me with any desire and the sex we have is robotic and awkward since. I have struggled over the years from thinking, is he gay? Is it because I am getting older? Does he find me repulsive? Is he having an affair? I have laid awake , sleepless night crying myself to sleep next to a man I thought would love me for ever and now who seems like a stranger in my bed. It sounds pathetic, but it's real.
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Post by elynne on Apr 30, 2018 0:01:21 GMT -5
Thank you for your wise insight. In General, considering our poor sex life, we still have some common interests, vacation every year, work together, have laughs and good times. But our intimate and deep connection we once shared, is void. H is good at avoiding marital problems. He doesn't communicate his feelings and avoids dealing with mine. when I try to discuss things be usually becomes defensive and makes excuses. He doesnt validate my feelings and brushes me off in hopes I will drop the subject. We argue a lot simply because we don't communicate well. I feel he keeps me at arms length and is emotionally manipulating me. sex drifted off slowly, from a couple times a week before we got married, to a about maybe 6 times last year ( I lost track ) we have gone 6months without at one point. Even back when we did have sex regularly He always seemed to be the one in charge of when , where and how and usually when I initiated he would Brush me off the last time he turned me down I lost my mind and told him he had No idea what he was doing to our marriage, this was 4years ago, since then I stopped initiating sex. and our sex life has hit the pits. He doesn't seem to look at me with any desire and the sex we have is robotic and awkward since. I have struggled over the years from thinking, is he gay? Is it because I am getting older? Does he find me repulsive? Is he having an affair? I have laid awake , sleepless night crying myself to sleep next to a man I thought would love me for ever and now who seems like a stranger in my bed. It sounds pathetic, but it's real. misery, I’m sorry you’ve found yourself here. Your story reminds me a lot of mine. That’s where I was 10 months ago. This article was one that helped me understand the problems in my relationship with my husband. drjanicecaudill.com/blog/if-my-husband-is-intimacy-anorexic-what-am-i.htmlBut understanding doesn’t help cause change. And attempting to “fix” things with my husband has so far resulted in making it worse. Instead of the silent treatment, sarcasm, criticism , I get open contempt and arguments.
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Post by baza on Apr 30, 2018 0:57:51 GMT -5
Thank you for your wise insight. In General, considering our poor sex life, we still have some common interests, vacation every year, work together, have laughs and good times. But our intimate and deep connection we once shared, is void. H is good at avoiding marital problems. He doesn't communicate his feelings and avoids dealing with mine. when I try to discuss things be usually becomes defensive and makes excuses. He doesnt validate my feelings and brushes me off in hopes I will drop the subject. We argue a lot simply because we don't communicate well. I feel he keeps me at arms length and is emotionally manipulating me. sex drifted off slowly, from a couple times a week before we got married, to a about maybe 6 times last year ( I lost track ) we have gone 6months without at one point. Even back when we did have sex regularly He always seemed to be the one in charge of when , where and how and usually when I initiated he would Brush me off the last time he turned me down I lost my mind and told him he had No idea what he was doing to our marriage, this was 4years ago, since then I stopped initiating sex. and our sex life has hit the pits. He doesn't seem to look at me with any desire and the sex we have is robotic and awkward since. I have struggled over the years from thinking, is he gay? Is it because I am getting older? Does he find me repulsive? Is he having an affair? I have laid awake , sleepless night crying myself to sleep next to a man I thought would love me for ever and now who seems like a stranger in my bed. It sounds pathetic, but it's real. Now, Sister misery , you are "why" chasing. A very natural thing in this group. "Why" is he sexually averse to you - "is he gay? Is it because I am getting older? Does he find me repulsive? Is he having an affair?" It could be any one of those things, plus there's a list as long as your arm of other reasons "why" he might be sexually averse to you like he is. And there is not one damn thing you can do about any of them. The problem - whatever it is - is his. If there is to be a resolution to his problem, it can only come from him. It can't come from you. At this early stage of your membership here I'll leave it at that whilst you digest it. My only suggestion at this point is that you abandon "why" chasing as soon as you can. It is entirely unhelpful. Even if you knew for 100% certainty "why" he is sexually averse to you it wouldn't change a thing. He'd still be sexually averse to you. Of course you could attempt to get him interested in chasing his "why", after all he is the one with the problem, and if there is to be a solution to this it is on him to identify the "why" and sort it out. He's the only one that can do that. You can't. A word of caution though, the tactic of trying to get a sexually averse spouse to take ownership of their problem has an appallingly bad record of success.
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littlelamb
Junior Member
I don't know.
Posts: 56
Age Range: 26-30
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Post by littlelamb on May 7, 2018 23:34:50 GMT -5
......He doesn't communicate his feelings and avoids dealing with mine. when I try to discuss things be usually becomes defensive and makes excuses. He doesnt validate my feelings and brushes me off in hopes I will drop the subject. We argue a lot simply because we don't communicate well. I feel he keeps me at arms length and is emotionally manipulating me. sex drifted off slowly, from a couple times a week before we got married, to a about maybe 6 times last year ( I lost track ) we have gone 6months without at one point. Even back when we did have sex regularly He always seemed to be the one in charge of when , where and how and usually when I initiated he would Brush me off the last time he turned me down I lost my mind and told him he had No idea what he was doing to our marriage, this was 4years ago, since then I stopped initiating sex. and our sex life has hit the pits. He doesn't seem to look at me with any desire and the sex we have is robotic and awkward since. I have struggled over the years from thinking, is he gay? Is it because I am getting older? Does he find me repulsive? Is he having an affair? I have laid awake , sleepless night crying myself to sleep next to a man I thought would love me for ever and now who seems like a stranger in my bed. It sounds pathetic, but it's real. It's not pathetic at all, don't feel pathetic. You're capable of great love and are very tolerant. That isn't pathetic, if anything he's pathetic avoiding the issues and not caring about your feelings, that's not an appropriate way to treat anyone >:/ I've struggled with similar forms of thinking wondering with the whys, and just wanted to chime in to help the numbers and prove that it is and can be common for females to go through this too. You aren't alone in the feelings and the cryings. I hate that you're going through this too.
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Post by richards on May 14, 2018 21:34:30 GMT -5
Hi everyone. M, late 50’s. I have been in an increasingly-sexless marriage since the birth of our eldest child—now in college.
The last (as in final, not most recent) attempt at reset sex has now collapsed and I am thinking seriously about an exit plan. (When I “think seriously,” I almost always carry through.)
This site seems to have a lot of info which I will be taking in. For now, just hi.
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