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Post by elynne on Apr 17, 2018 15:28:02 GMT -5
Greetings all! Been lurking awhile, since maybe November of last year, and finally officially registered. So many accounts that break my heart and that I can empathize completely with. I’d share my story but it is so long (30 years worth) and similar to everyone else’s that it would sound like a broken record. I prefer shorter insightful posts or replies that gradually reveal the story than to dump it all into one big one to spare us all . You all are incredibly courageous, inspirational, and simply don’t deserve the hand that has been dealt to you. I don’t do forums much so the fact that I am here, even anonymously, is a signal that things are beyond the fixing point - more likely, they were never fixable. Anyway, hope to be able to add something of value here, help someone out, and get helped along the way. -stalemate Welcome, Stalemate. Happy to have you here.
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Post by h on Apr 17, 2018 15:33:53 GMT -5
It's wild that even the Catholic Church (we are Catholics) considers the inability to have sex (for as long as you never knew about it) as a sound reason to find the marriage to be null and void. I’ve said this to him, and all he said to me was - then leave. If I left, I know he will do everything in his power to take our son away from me. I’ve threatened to leave when my son was barely a year old and his response was that he will not let me take my son. First: he told you to leave. That statement alone says he's unwilling to change. Second: unless you are a severely degenerate parent, he can't take your kids away. You would just have to work out a custody agreement.
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Post by baza on Apr 18, 2018 3:20:18 GMT -5
I'd have to agree that we don't / didn't "deserve" to get lumbered with an ILIASM shithole, but the fact is we have been.
And where-as we might feel we "deserve" an easy way out of it, no-one gets that free pass either, Brother* @stalemate .
There's no "deserve" on the way in - or the way out.
The way out depends on what we are prepared to do.
*edited (gave you the wrong gender initially Brother @stalemate )
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Post by h on Apr 18, 2018 3:59:56 GMT -5
I'd have to agree that we don't / didn't "deserve" to get lumbered with an ILIASM shithole, but the fact is we have been. And where-as we might feel we "deserve" an easy way out of it, no-one gets that free pass either, Sister @stalemate . There's no "deserve" on the way in - or the way out. I think it's "Brother" @stalemate
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 4:53:22 GMT -5
Brother indeed. Thanks all for the welcome. Wish I wasn’t here but it is definitely good company.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 18, 2018 13:12:27 GMT -5
Brother indeed. Thanks all for the welcome. Wish I wasn’t here but it is definitely good company. Come on, stalemate, write up the cliff notes version of your iliasm hell hole. Otherwise we'll have to look at a bunch of different post to know your story! Hehehe Hey, do what you're comfortable with but it is nice to have bullet points in one place. And welcome.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 16:53:27 GMT -5
I will. In the Sexless Marriage Issues area. It won't be complete because there are so many little things -- certainly not as rough as others I've read but certainly no fun.
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littlelamb
Junior Member
I don't know.
Posts: 56
Age Range: 26-30
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Post by littlelamb on Apr 24, 2018 21:08:34 GMT -5
Hi.... I guess I'm here to find people who are dealing with similar things, so that I can learn to cope better or figure out how I can fix things or just vent a little and make some friends. I don't have any kind of support system so I'm going to try this out and see how it goes. This is my first post so I don't really want to get too much in to detail but I'll go on for a bit so there is something to respond to. I really love my husband and am very attracted to him, and really just want to be with him all the time but it's not reciprocated and I feel rejected all the time. Maybe the answer to my problem is to just somehow be sexier but I don't know how to do that and I guess I wanted someone that wanted me for who I am, and I thought that was what I was marrying. He still says he loves me and mostly just says he is tired or doesn't feel stimulated (unless I'm blowing him and even then he won't want it most of the time) he's said in the past that I should cut my hair or be blond or I should wear lingerie or something like that, I've done and tried to accommodate these things..but I feel really silly doing that and it doesn't make me feel loved or pretty at all, it makes me feel desperate or not good enough to begin with. I don't know, I really just want him to love me. I really feel broken hearted everyday even though we're still married and together. I keep looking for ways to get him to talk to me about what he really wants, like if he wants other women or if he's cheating on me, he always tells me no..and that he doesn't want a divorce so I guess I don't really understand what's the problem and kind of just feel like it's me being too ugly or too fat...while everyone tells me I'm not too fat... I've actually been seeing a therapist twice a month...who claims I'm dealing with anorexia and have been for years but I'm closer to the recovery side -in that- I'm currently a healthy weight and I really feel quite chubby now to be honest but I feel at my wits end and don't know how to bring us closer more often if anyone wants to talk or has any input I'm here.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 24, 2018 21:19:45 GMT -5
Welcome littlelambI'm sorry you have found yourself here but you are in the right place to get support. If there was one thing I can tell you is - i promise it's not you, it's him. There is nothing wrong with you but there's something definitely wrong with him. Focus on yourself, read a lot here and figure out what you want for yourself.
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Post by elynne on Apr 25, 2018 4:05:29 GMT -5
Hi.... I guess I'm here to find people who are dealing with similar things, so that I can learn to cope better or figure out how I can fix things or just vent a little and make some friends. I don't have any kind of support system so I'm going to try this out and see how it goes. This is my first post so I don't really want to get too much in to detail but I'll go on for a bit so there is something to respond to. I really love my husband and am very attracted to him, and really just want to be with him all the time but it's not reciprocated and I feel rejected all the time. Maybe the answer to my problem is to just somehow be sexier but I don't know how to do that and I guess I wanted someone that wanted me for who I am, and I thought that was what I was marrying. He still says he loves me and mostly just says he is tired or doesn't feel stimulated (unless I'm blowing him and even then he won't want it most of the time) he's said in the past that I should cut my hair or be blond or I should wear lingerie or something like that, I've done and tried to accommodate these things..but I feel really silly doing that and it doesn't make me feel loved or pretty at all, it makes me feel desperate or not good enough to begin with. I don't know, I really just want him to love me. I really feel broken hearted everyday even though we're still married and together. I keep looking for ways to get him to talk to me about what he really wants, like if he wants other women or if he's cheating on me, he always tells me no..and that he doesn't want a divorce so I guess I don't really understand what's the problem and kind of just feel like it's me being too ugly or too fat...while everyone tells me I'm not too fat... I've actually been seeing a therapist twice a month...who claims I'm dealing with anorexia and have been for years but I'm closer to the recovery side -in that- I'm currently a healthy weight and I really feel quite chubby now to be honest but I feel at my wits end and don't know how to bring us closer more often if anyone wants to talk or has any input I'm here. Hi Littlelamb. Welcome. It sucks to be here, but you’ve found the right place for support. From reading your post, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you and your hubby seem like you’re playing out a typical “pursuer-distancer” dynamic. There’s a (in my opinion worthless) book that describes this dynamic. “Hold me tight” is the name of the book. If I remember correctly, the pursuer partner wants more closeness to stem insecurity or anxiety. The distancing partner feels trapped by intimacy and closeness so withdraws more. It’s a catch 22. The more one partner works to get what he or she needs the more the other partner backs away. To salvage such a situation you’d both need to understand and change the dynamics. This would require you building your self-image to the point where you need less reassurance from him. It also requires him to work on his fear of closeness. The trouble comes with distancers finding the motivation to do the difficult work of cleaning up their shit. It’s much easier for them to avoid their problems. These are patterns they’ve learned in early childhood and have been repeating and reinforcing ever since. I wish you luck. It’s not an easy road, but you’ve got us for company along the way.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 25, 2018 9:03:21 GMT -5
“he's said in the past that I should cut my hair or be blond or I should wear lingerie or something like that, I've done and tried to accommodate these things..but I feel really silly doing that and it doesn't make me feel loved or pretty at all, it makes me feel desperate or not good enough to begin with. “
You feel that way for good reason. Instead of trying to make yourself over to be the type of woman your husband desires would you be happier setting yourself free to find a man who loves and is sexually attracted to you as you are? You can’t beg, plead, manipulate, explain or entice someone into loving you. There are billions of men in the world including many who would be delighted with you as you are.
My refuser ex thought I asked too many personal questions of him. He didn’t like to talk about love or sex. I was always the one pursuing him for affection. After 36 years of that I finally realized we weren’t compatible. I’ve now been 5 years with a man who tells me he loves me, caresses me even in his sleep, and who greets me with a real kiss and hug, not a peck. I am loved for who I am. I don’t have to change my normal behavior to try to attract him. Both of us have words of affirmation and touch as our love languages. My ex’s was acts of service, something that means little to me.
Think about whether you wish to change yourself for your husband or whether you’d be happier setting yourself free to find love as you naturally are.
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littlelamb
Junior Member
I don't know.
Posts: 56
Age Range: 26-30
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Post by littlelamb on Apr 25, 2018 12:37:22 GMT -5
“You feel that way for good reason. Instead of trying to make yourself over to be the type of woman your husband desires would you be happier setting yourself free to find a man who loves and is sexually attracted to you as you are? You can’t beg, plead, manipulate, explain or entice someone into loving you. There are billions of men in the world including many who would be delighted with you as you are. My refuser ex thought I asked too many personal questions of him. He didn’t like to talk about love or sex. I was always the one pursuing him for affection. After 36 years of that I finally realized we weren’t compatible. I’ve now been 5 years with a man who tells me he loves me, caresses me even in his sleep, and who greets me with a real kiss and hug, not a peck. I am loved for who I am. I don’t have to change my normal behavior to try to attract him. Both of us have words of affirmation and touch as our love languages. My ex’s was acts of service, something that means little to me. Think about whether you wish to change yourself for your husband or whether you’d be happier setting yourself free to find love as you naturally are." Unfortunately this is my second marriage as it is...so I'm reluctant to start over again.... I had married my first lover, first date, first relationship at 19 and that only lasted 1yr & 1/2, I left because he outright left me for 3 days to cheat after a year of him talking with this girl while we were married and just him ultimately preferring porn to being with me anyway we were nothing but room mates by the time he left but it was enough to make me realize I needed to move out and we jsut needed to get a divorce....I had immediately went back into dating afterwards and had decided that It was going to be ok and that I was too young and probably should've dated more or at least not felt so pushed religiously to marry the first person to touch me. I met my current husband 8months later and I'm much more in love or attached with him than I was my first. We've only been married for...next month will be 4yrs, I turned 26 two months ago. I've really done everything for this man and It would hurt me terribly to let go as though everything was for nothing. So much has gone on that I'm not allowed to talk about because he feels everything is supposed to be between him and I alone. He tells me that I'm not loving unconditionally if I treat the lack of sex as a problem or he will claim I'm not a nice person because he will say I don't do what I do because I love him I do what I do because I want sex and that the only talking about our marriage there should be should be between him and I and I really feel bad sometimes because the last thing I want is for him to be angry with me but If I don't talk about it I feel worse, and it hurts worse. I used to have a couple female friends I would vent to or go see when I was really upset but he found out and I can't talk to them about anything anymore regarding my marriage they don't really want to see me unless I'm leaving him now anyways as they're tired of hearing it too.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 25, 2018 14:20:04 GMT -5
“He doesn’t love you unconditionally if he is unwilling to address this problem. “
He also doesn’t love you unconditionally if he requests that you change your hair color and other things about yourself.
Start a thread in the sexless marriage area so others will see your story and you easily can follow the comments.
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littlelamb
Junior Member
I don't know.
Posts: 56
Age Range: 26-30
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Post by littlelamb on Apr 25, 2018 18:10:23 GMT -5
no obviously he doesn't, I guess not, that's true, it's just I don't know how else to respond than drop it in the moment. Maybe I'll do a thread later on today for the thread, I feel shy about it for some reason >.<
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 25, 2018 18:34:30 GMT -5
no obviously he doesn't, I guess not, that's true, it's just I don't know how else to respond than drop it in the moment. Maybe I'll do a thread later on today for the thread, I feel shy about it for some reason >.< Don't be shy. We are very supportive and empathic. On the old forum EP, I was a lurker for a year it took me that long to finally post my story. I have come a long way. You will too!
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