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Post by elynne on Apr 8, 2018 1:31:03 GMT -5
Welcome voidinlove. You’ll find this is a supportive and responsive group. People gladly share their experiences and perspective. Sometimes folks are a little blunt but it’s not mean spirited, just honest. I’m sorry you felt the need to search for a group like this, but I am glad you’ve found us.
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Post by mikeostwing on Apr 13, 2018 15:08:32 GMT -5
Hi - I'll probably mostly remain a lurker, but I wish I had found this site 24 years ago! (joke) I've been married 24+ years and have struggled through various phases of sexlessness.
When we first married, we found out my wife had severe vaginismus, so sex was nil and other sexual activity was rare. After 8 years, she wanted to have kids, so she finally worked on the vaginismus. After having kids, she's always too tired or too sore or too whatever. At one point our therapist suggest scheduling sex a couple times a week, which we did for a while, but she was never into it and if I approached her outside of those times, my advances were always refused. Our activity was always the same, and I finally came to the conclusion, "why am I doing this for a half-hearted handjob? I can give myself a half-hearted handjob!" So I just stopped. I realized she had zero interest in sex, and she hasn't asked for it or shown any signs of intimacy for 28 months, so it's not like I'm refusing. I've just come to accept that fun sex is not her thing. At all. Once I came to that acceptance, I've been much more at peace.
So why am I even posting here? I'm not sure. The painful part of being in this kind of marriage was being in my twenties/thirties and constantly being rebuffed. At this point I'm not looking to get out or outsource; I guess I just like being part of a community who understands.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 13, 2018 16:22:02 GMT -5
Hi - I'll probably mostly remain a lurker, but I wish I had found this site 24 years ago! (joke) I've been married 24+ years and have struggled through various phases of sexlessness. When we first married, we found out my wife had severe vaginismus, so sex was nil and other sexual activity was rare. After 8 years, she wanted to have kids, so she finally worked on the vaginismus. After having kids, she's always too tired or too sore or too whatever. At one point our therapist suggest scheduling sex a couple times a week, which we did for a while, but she was never into it and if I approached her outside of those times, my advances were always refused. Our activity was always the same, and I finally came to the conclusion, "why am I doing this for a half-hearted handjob? I can give myself a half-hearted handjob!" So I just stopped. I realized she had zero interest in sex, and she hasn't asked for it or shown any signs of intimacy for 28 months, so it's not like I'm refusing. I've just come to accept that fun sex is not her thing. At all. Once I came to that acceptance, I've been much more at peace. So why am I even posting here? I'm not sure. The painful part of being in this kind of marriage was being in my twenties/thirties and constantly being rebuffed. At this point I'm not looking to get out or outsource; I guess I just like being part of a community who understands. Welcome. I'm glad you found this forum because we are a very supportive group. I hope you find further peace and comfort here.
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Post by baza on Apr 13, 2018 18:36:26 GMT -5
Words like "we" "us" "our" crop up a fair bit in your post Brother mikeostwing , suggesting that your deal is an equal partnership. But the body of the story doesn't read like it is an equal partnership at all. It reads much more like there is *you* and there is *her*. It doesn't read like there's a mutual *us* at all. The situation looks like it is, and has, adequately catered for what your missus wants out of it. It does NOT look like it has catered for what you want out of it to any great extent. Anyway, "staying" is every bit a valid choice as "cheating" or "leaving". If you're ok with it, who's to argue ?
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Post by saarinista on Apr 13, 2018 22:54:35 GMT -5
Hi - I'll probably mostly remain a lurker, but I wish I had found this site 24 years ago! (joke) I've been married 24+ years and have struggled through various phases of sexlessness. When we first married, we found out my wife had severe vaginismus, so sex was nil and other sexual activity was rare. After 8 years, she wanted to have kids, so she finally worked on the vaginismus. After having kids, she's always too tired or too sore or too whatever. At one point our therapist suggest scheduling sex a couple times a week, which we did for a while, but she was never into it and if I approached her outside of those times, my advances were always refused. Our activity was always the same, and I finally came to the conclusion, "why am I doing this for a half-hearted handjob? I can give myself a half-hearted handjob!" So I just stopped. I realized she had zero interest in sex, and she hasn't asked for it or shown any signs of intimacy for 28 months, so it's not like I'm refusing. I've just come to accept that fun sex is not her thing. At all. Once I came to that acceptance, I've been much more at peace. So why am I even posting here? I'm not sure. The painful part of being in this kind of marriage was being in my twenties/thirties and constantly being rebuffed. At this point I'm not looking to get out or outsource; I guess I just like being part of a community who understands. welcome, Mike. I hope you will find further comfort in this forum, however you decide to participate. While I suspect you really aren't quite as peaceful about the sexlessness is you articulate, staying is certainly a legitimate choice if you're sure that's what you really want. Perhaps reading some of the accounts here will help you become more certain about your future. 🌸🌻🌼🌷
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magdalen
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Post by magdalen on Apr 15, 2018 14:44:58 GMT -5
In my mind, I have posted on here many many times.
In my mind, at least for today, if I could have my husband be towards me in every way that I’ve alwats wanted him to be...I suppose it would mean that I’ve died and finally had the happy ending of my dreams. And really, he is the man of my dreams. That torch burns brightly. And then it gets distorted because I don’t want to control him or make him do anything that is not genuine and so I accept and acknowledge his reality. I accept that this is the “in sickness” part of marriage. And then, little by little I cease being me.
You know the funny part of all this, I waited until I was in my 20s to have sex and it was with someone very special. We remain very good friends (I relinquished the title of best friend to his wife when he got married 4 years ago). I was raped when I was child by our gardener. My parents never knew. I dealt with my demons and was able to be okay.
It’s been about 3 years now since my husband and I last been intimate. We hardly talk. I get the routine short kiss in the morning which I am expected to give him one at night. Apart from that, he’s not a fan of any other form of physical intimacy (hugs, holding hands, arm around a shoulder or the waist). I’ve stopped going out with friends a little into the start of our marriage since the absence of intimacy was always there but not as more in your face as it is now. I alienated myself from other people because I knew I was left wanting and going out into the world feeling the way I was - I knew for sure I would cheat. So, today, I have like 2 girl friends and we live far apart. That’s about it. Oh, and there’s my son. Our little miracle in our sexless marriage. My husband wanted a child too so we procreated like clockwork based on ovulation. My son is the sun. He brings light and joy to my world. He will be turning 10 soon. I live for him.
I’ve contemplated on suicide since I’ve already expressed my needs, my thoughts, my feelings verbally to my husband. 10 years later, he finally acknowledged that he’s been experiencing problems getting and keeping an erection and that pills are too expensive. I know how much they are and my husband makes a good living so I return to - I would prefer any of his actions to be genuine.
A marriage is a promise. I can only control my own thoughts, my own actions, and how I take in and perceive things.
I’m on an SSRI. It was the only way for involuntary suicidal thoughts to go away. They used to haunt me in my dreams where I would constantly end my life. Even in my dreams the fight or flight response is triggered. I’m so screwed. Lol
So hello. This is me.
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Post by elynne on Apr 15, 2018 16:23:48 GMT -5
Hello magdalen. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself here, but at the same time, I’m glad you’ve found this group. It’s not easy living with a spouse who doesn’t make you feel loved. I hope you know that it’s not you who is unlovable but your husband who has trouble loving. Personally, I consider ILIASM more valuable then therapy. I found people who actually understand the struggles I’m going through. I’ve found support and advice and the strength to challenge my husband to change and if he’s incapable of changing I’m hoping to find the strength to leave. But anyway, welcome.
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magdalen
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Post by magdalen on Apr 15, 2018 20:57:00 GMT -5
Thank you, elynne. I truly wish the best for us all on here. I hope your husband changes for you. I go through so many emotions a day without saying a word to my beloved. I found my second wind today and I’m all - “you think you can ignore all this?? Challenge accepted!” Lol I’m a stupid fool. Or it could be just my meds kicking in. 👍🏼 Thank you for the welcome. I was nursing my sadness all day. I think I can let it go for a little bit this evening.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 16, 2018 2:24:54 GMT -5
Hi magdalen, welcome to the jungle. Or oasis. You can do what you want around here and learn from one another. It's great to hear about your precious son. Hopefully you find peace. I'm probably nearing a thousand posts, most not too meaningful, but helpful in some way to me. Good luck and good to have you here.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 16, 2018 6:27:44 GMT -5
“I’ve contemplated on suicide since I’ve already expressed my needs, my thoughts, my feelings verbally to my husband. 10 years later, he finally acknowledged that he’s been experiencing problems getting and keeping an erection and that pills are too expensive. I know how much they are and my husband makes a good living so I return to - I would prefer any of his actions to be genuine.”
I’d contemplated suicide too during my SM. I’d also thought my husband had some medical problems impeding his sexual abilities. When I finally decided to divorce after I got sick of a marriage that was increasingly empty, he revealed that for 3 years he had been supporting a child he thought he had fathered in Asia. He was 62!
I’ve now been for 5 years with a man who is the love of my life. He is not rich but happily does what is needed to purchase the medicine that allows us to maintain a mutually fulfilling sex life that typically involves sex 3 times a week. He was not too embarrassed to get medical help, to ask his doctor for samples, to even go out of the country to purchase pills much cheaper than he can get them in the US. He does those things because sex is important to both of us and we both enjoy it with each other.
I’m sorry to say that what I learned during my marriage is you can not beg, explain, entice or love another person into wanting to fuck you. No one can will themselves into wanting to fuck a person they aren’t attracted to sexually. At best they can go through the motions.
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magdalen
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Post by magdalen on Apr 16, 2018 10:26:47 GMT -5
Thank you so much, @lwoetin. Posting here certainly helps. northstarmom, thank you for letting me know that finding real love after living with all the baggage that comes with years of rejection - possible. You are probably right. My husband is not or perhaps even was never attracted to me. I’ve asked him this question many times before in one of my many attempts to try and figure out what exactly our marriage is about to him. He gave a run around of it's not you, it’s me. I’ve already told him that I wouldn’t break if he told me that he didn’t love me. That it would be okay with me and that I’d want him to be happy too and find a person that he truly loves. But he says he’s happy with me and that he thought I was too. I feel like he’s settled onto whatever our life together is. He would prod me into finding a job that makes me happier or into doing activities that would help me feel happier doing dance classes. When I had my emotional breakdown and went to the doctor to finally seek help for my depression and anxiety, my husband took me cycling out by trails near the river here almost every other day. I had too much adrenaline in my system and the cycling helped and I was able to sleep at night. We haven’t done this in a while after we moved to a different house. It’s been 4 years. Maybe I’ll ask him to go cycling again with me. We both work from home so we’re both pretty much isolated in our misconceptions. He likes to cook so he cooks all the meals for us. I count my blessings when I see them so I can find some sort of peace. We are both in our 40s. itme, he keeps it in other ways. It’s wild that even the Catholic Church (we are Catholics) considers the inability to have sex (for as long as you never knew about it) as a sound reason to find the marriage to be null and void. I’ve said this to him, and all he said to me was - then leave. If I left, I know he will do everything in his power to take our son away from me. I’ve threatened to leave when my son was barely a year old and his response was that he will not let me take my son. I’ve read somewhere that the grass is greener where you water it. I’m trying to make do... watering and nurturing what I can. I want to leave when my son leaves for college. Until then, I’m watering where I can so that my son’s childhood is filled with happy memories. If this means I play the fool, so be it.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 16, 2018 11:40:09 GMT -5
magdalen many of us here, including myself, have been in that dark dark place and contimplated suicide. Even was planning it out in a way to ensure it was happen without too much pain. I would suggest you keep posting and you will find the support here it be amazing and will help you climb out of that hole. I will also suggest that you reconnect with your friends, the connection with other humans is vitally important to you mental health.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 16, 2018 17:01:50 GMT -5
“My husband is not or perhaps even was never attracted to me. I’ve asked him this question many times before in one of my many attempts to try and figure out what exactly our marriage is about to him. He gave a run around of it's not you, it’s me. “
My refuser ex said that. I thought he meant he had ed.when I finally decided to divorce is when he revealed he was supporting a child he thought he’d fathered abroad. By then I was so fed up and also so realized that I deserved better than instead of feeling crushed I was happy to have more evidence I was wise to divorce.
I believe many refusers falsely claim to be attracted to their spouses. They lie or refuse to answer because they know if they admitted to a lack of attraction, their spouse would leave. The refuser wants the marriage for companionship, financial, childcare, domestic help, social approval, etc.
Talk to a lawyer to find out your rights. The first visit may even be free.
Shore up your support system. Get out of the house without your h. Since you like cycling join a bike club. Meet ups are great ways of establishing friendships with people with similar interests.
You are fortunate that you have the grounds for annulment under your religion. Talking to your priest about this would give you valuable information to help decide what to do. I suggest not threatening your husband with this. It may inspire him to give you reset sex-/ sexdone under duress. Such sex is passionless and pleasureless. You want to be desired. If he desired you, you wouldn’t be having to beg and threaten him to get sex. Reset sex also could slow or stop any annulment or divorce.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2018 9:24:48 GMT -5
Greetings all! Been lurking awhile, since maybe November of last year, and finally officially registered. So many accounts that break my heart and that I can empathize completely with. I’d share my story but it is so long (30 years worth) and similar to everyone else’s that it would sound like a broken record. I prefer shorter insightful posts or replies that gradually reveal the story than to dump it all into one big one to spare us all . You all are incredibly courageous, inspirational, and simply don’t deserve the hand that has been dealt to you. I don’t do forums much so the fact that I am here, even anonymously, is a signal that things are beyond the fixing point - more likely, they were never fixable. Anyway, hope to be able to add something of value here, help someone out, and get helped along the way. -stalemate
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 17, 2018 9:55:54 GMT -5
@stalemate
Welcome and I'm sorry you have found yourself here but I hope that you can find some comfort and support from this group.
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