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Post by michael on Apr 2, 2018 1:31:10 GMT -5
This is my first post. I’m sleeping on the couch like I have for pretty much the last four years. The last month I have been so frustrated. I told my wife but sex is something I have to achieve. Something I never quite do. It has been eight months up until this weekend. She let me twice this weekend while playing dead except to tell me how tired she was. Both times I just rolled over and wished I could have just slept but I couldn’t, so I just listened to her sleep while I stared at the ceiling. Last week I told her about this forum. She never said anything. I’m just assuming she didn’t take anything seriously.
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Post by elynne on Apr 2, 2018 1:41:05 GMT -5
This is my first post. I’m sleeping on the couch like I have for pretty much the last four years. The last month I have been so frustrated. I told my wife but sex is something I have to achieve. Something I never quite do. It has been eight months up until this weekend. She let me twice this weekend while playing dead except to tell me how tired she was. Both times I just rolled over and wished I could have just slept but I couldn’t, so I just listened to her sleep while I stared at the ceiling. Last week I told her about this forum. She never said anything. I’m just assuming she didn’t take anything seriously. Michael, welcome. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself here. I’m a relative newbie, but have found a lot of comfort in not being alone. Being able to talk and vent and process what you’re going through with people who actually get it! I spent a few months sleeping on the couch this year. Four years is a long time! I hope you have a comfortable couch! For what it’s worth, my advice is to stick around. Actively participate in the forums. Read some of the older threads. There’s a lot of wisdom here. People who have been there, they’ve left, a few have fixed their marriage enough to stay, some have decided to outsource as a stop gap or long term strategy and some have decided to stay. All are valid options. But you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Learn from the collective wisdom of the group. It could save you years of pain and frustration. And it’s more effective and less expensive than therapy!
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Post by michael on Apr 2, 2018 1:52:48 GMT -5
Actually I’m making an appointment for therapy tomorrow. My doctor told me. I told her I was depressed but I couldn’t tell her why because my wife has the same doctor. She gave me a prescription which I was hopeful about but one of the side effects is that it affects your ability to ejaculate. So that isn’t really helping my depression. Pretty ironic actually. Funny, if it was a TV show.
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Post by elynne on Apr 2, 2018 1:58:20 GMT -5
Actually I’m making an appointment for therapy tomorrow. My doctor told me. I told her I was depressed but I couldn’t tell her why because my wife has the same doctor. She gave me a prescription which I was hopeful about but one of the side effects is that it affects your ability to ejaculate. So that isn’t really helping my depression. Pretty ironic actually. Funny, if it was a TV show. Your doctor shouldn’t be able to share information that you share with her with your wife. Patient confidentiality. If you are worried, you can ask before you confide in her. “I’d like to discuss something confidential. It would ease my mind if I know you won’t mention this to my wife.” If your doctor can’t maintain patient confidentiality, you need a new doctor! If you’re not sharing the full story with your doctor, you’re limiting her ability to treat you.
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Post by michael on Apr 2, 2018 2:03:07 GMT -5
I’m not worried about her confidence. Just that it is a small town and they see each other often. Her son is in our daughter’s class at school. It might be awkward if I ever told my wife what I told the doctor.
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Post by h on Apr 2, 2018 5:35:14 GMT -5
I’m not worried about her confidence. Just that it is a small town and they see each other often. Her son is in our daughter’s class at school. It might be awkward if I ever told my wife what I told the doctor. Tell the doctor anyway. If your wife doesn't like it, she has the choice to do something about it. Secrecy and shame is the reason our problem goes on for as long as it has. Bring it out into the light and let the chips fall where they may. At this point, you don't have much to lose. Maybe you'll get lucky and the doctor will help you with your problem.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 2, 2018 7:40:17 GMT -5
Actually I’m making an appointment for therapy tomorrow. My doctor told me. I told her I was depressed but I couldn’t tell her why because my wife has the same doctor. She gave me a prescription which I was hopeful about but one of the side effects is that it affects your ability to ejaculate. So that isn’t really helping my depression. Pretty ironic actually. Funny, if it was a TV show. If it is a SSRI or SNRI based antidepressant it will kill your ability to ejaculate or even get an erection. I would suggest not even taking it and ask for something like Wellbutrin (Bupropion) which is an NDRI and doesn't have the sexual sides affect.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 2, 2018 11:31:46 GMT -5
“Actually I’m making an appointment for therapy tomorrow. My doctor told me. I told her I was depressed but I couldn’t tell her why because my wife has the same doctor. “
If you are in the US, your doctor can’t share info with your wife without your permission.
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Post by michael on Apr 3, 2018 7:10:43 GMT -5
I live in Canada, but quite similar I’m sure. I just don’t want any awkwardness if I tell my wife what I should tell the doctor why I’m depressed because they see each other outside the professional enviroment. Even though they can’t talk about it you know they will be thinking about it when talking to each other.
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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2018 8:09:05 GMT -5
I'm not getting this at all. You don't want to tell your Doc that you are depressed because your missus won't root you - because your Doc might then tell your missus.
I will bet you that your missus is already well aware that she is not rooting you.
Anyway, if you are going to sort this thing out, then everything needs to be dragged out and put under the spotlight.
Pussyfooting around the edges as a strategy has an appalling record of success.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 3, 2018 9:15:30 GMT -5
"I live in Canada, but quite similar I’m sure. I just don’t want any awkwardness if I tell my wife what I should tell the doctor why I’m depressed because they see each other outside the professional environment. Even though they can’t talk about it you know they will be thinking about it when talking to each other."
Why are you protecting your wife from possibly feeling ashamed and awkward because the doctor knows your wife isn't having sex with you? This is a good time to learn something important: It is not your job to protect your spouse from embarrassment or shame due to the fact that she is not having sex with you. Many here have colluded with their spouse in acting like their marriage is perfect. Some here have responded in public to their spouse's show of affection even though in private, their spouse won't even allow any kind of touch. Many here have in public nodded their heads and smiled when people complimented them on their "great" marriage. Some here have bitten their tongues about the truth of their marriage and therefore have lied to their closest, most trusted friends.
In doing this, what happens is that you are preventing YOURSELF from recognizing the true state of your marriage. I was with my husband for 36 years. It wasn't until about the last 10 years of my marriage that I began to confide in close friends about the state of my marriage. That's when I got lots of reassurance that I am indeed attractive and appealing, and it is normal to have regular sex in one's marriage even when one is a senior citizen. I learned that an 80-year-old woman friend was having regular sex with her 79-year-old boy friend. I learned that a 66-year-old woman friend had had at least weekly, mutually pleasurable sex with her 20-years-older husband until he was in his mid 80s and bedridden.
I learned that what I was experiencing was what others considered emotional abuse, and they would not have stayed in that kind of marriage. By talking to friends and also my therapist, I learned how much pain I had been tolerating, and I learned that I deserved much better. Because I grew up amidst parents in a SM -- a marriage that also included threats, verbal abuse and other types of overt hostility, I had thought that I was being picky to feel bad due to being in SM. However, sharing my information with friends and therapists helped me realize that while my marriage was much better than my parents', it still was not healthy or normal, and it was normal and fine for me to expect and want more.
One day I realized that I would be happier single -- even single forever -- instead of remaining alone in a marriage. And I divorced. I have never regretted it. I did not expect to find love and sex again, but to my surprise that happened. However, even if it hadn't I would still be happier out of that SM than remaining within it.
Telling and living your truth will set you free. And if you share the SM marriage with people who tell you that it's trivial, then know that they do not share your values. If you Google, you can find the frequency of sex by age group of married couples, and you will see how abnormal your marriage is.
One last thing: You deserve more than to sleep on a couch. I did that for a couple of years. Somehow, I thought that seeing me unhappily there would inspire my spouse to fuck me. Didn't happen. Of course. Finally, I moved into a spare bedroom and made that a comfortable place for me. Perhaps reading this you think, "But what will people think if they see we sleep separately?" They probably will think you're in a SM. That is the truth. No reason for you to enable your spouse's behavior by presenting a fake show to the people whom she cares about.
Now time for you to create your own thread in the SM section so you can continue to post about your situation and get responses from others.
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Post by h on Apr 3, 2018 16:14:24 GMT -5
I'm not getting this at all. You don't want to tell your Doc that you are depressed because your missus won't root you - because your Doc might then tell your missus. I will bet you that your missus is already well aware that she is not rooting you. Anyway, if you are going to sort this thing out, then everything needs to be dragged out and put under the spotlight. Pussyfooting around the edges as a strategy has an appalling record of success. I'll second that michael because secrecy doesn't work. It needs to get very awkward before things change. If you aren't ready to drag all your stuff out into the light, you WILL continue to live with things as they are. She won't change as long as you continue to let her remain comfortable with the situation. Make it uncomfortable. Either she will move towards reconciliation or she won't. You can't control that outcome but you can control what you decide to do with that knowledge.
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Post by JMX on Apr 3, 2018 22:43:18 GMT -5
michael - respectfully, you are part of the problem continuing the charade. I understand the charade is easier for some. While I *maybe* treat the marriage as “my precious” in ways that keeps me from leaving, I am not necessarily NOT quiet about it either. It’s freeing- no matter what you do with that freedom. Try it.
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Post by voidinlove on Apr 7, 2018 22:24:21 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I just joined and am glad to have found this forum, as I have been dealing with this for some time and had no idea if it was normal for long term married couples or an issue unique to us. Obviously the existence of this forum suggests it is a problem not unique to us. Have been married for 23 years; have 3 boys (21, 18 & 15); and am very concerned about our relationship and future together. We have zero affection in our relationship; she doesn't even like to hold hands. We have not been intimate for over 10 years now. I seriously question whether she evens loves me. We have trouble communicating. Thanks for sharing your experiences and allowing me to do the same.
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Post by baza on Apr 8, 2018 1:23:32 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Brother voidinlove . Thanks for joining. Are you looking for anything in particular ? Incidently, posts in this "welcome/introduce yourself" thread get lost in the ruck pretty easily. Usually you are best to post in the "sexless marriage issues" threads. It is easier to keep track of your posts.
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