This is why I hate anniversaries, and valentines day, and Christmas, and birthdays. Actually anything where I have to consider the messages I'm giving in great detail!
Interesting, I detached, or rather am detaching to protect myself. It is for my own mental health and to prepare for the future without my spouse, however far away that may be.
I guess I've gone beyond the evaluation stage now.
The problem there Ironhamster is that to refusers sex isn't normally a part of marriage. Certainly in my case my wife argues our relationship is normal. With that kind of logic there is very little else to say.
We all suffer from self delusions to an extent, some of us recognise them. Some of us don't...
It is a massive grey area for me too. I can understand that it isn't anyone else's responsibility to ensure my happiness. Yet, squaring that circle with a wife that finds me undesirable is difficult.
It has been mentioned that this could result in a kind of codependent relationship, and I'm sure there is truth in that. No answers I'm afraid, but ultimately I think you do have to look to yourself to look after yourself, even when you're in a good relationship.
I agree, I have no hope of change. If there weren't children involved I would've left long ago. I think now my responsibility to the kids is much more important than anything I feel or have felt for my wife. It's sad but I'm playing the longer game.
I find it really awkward being approached for sex by my wife now. I get relieved when it's that time of the month as it means it's guaranteed she won't approach me.
When the situation does arrive, my body is willing, but my mind is screaming the opposite. I haven't managed to climax with her for a couple of years now. Mind you, that's probably only three chances anyway!
Last Edit: Sept 17, 2018 8:48:09 GMT -5 by mescaline
For me the fantasy and daydreaming is part of the process of disengaging from the marriage. I'm staying for now, have no solid plans to leave. Have no intention of seeing a solicitor in the near future.
But, I dream of when I can leave and that is a goal in itself. The fantasy is a future possibility and the more I think of it the easier it gets to picture that reality from an emotional perspective.
I'm not kidding myself that I'm ready and I may never be ready, but the idea is there and that's what counts. To me.
I'm the same a Jim, staying without significant plans for leaving yet. Daydreaming about it, but ultimately staying for my own selfish reasons, so I can still live with my kids.
Also trying to rationalise my own hopes versus the present and predicted future I know to be more of the same SM shit hole!
I think it has helped me, but as a stayer for now I find I have very little to add to many of the posts. So I find myself lurking rather than contributing.
I can see how and why it would put people off, there are some brutal posters here. Yet overwhelmingly they are truthful and I believe honestly trying to help.
Oh I agree dude, I just wonder why it takes so long and why despite all the evidence we often persist beyond the point of rational thought!
We see it time and again here, and I'm as guilty as anyone. It's been years since any advance of mine was reciprocated, yet even as recently as April 2017, I still tried knowing exactly what you know, expecting what your expected and receiving the same brush off.
I suppose I'm just wondering at my own self duplicity and stupidity!
I don't think it is even the rejection that is painful when situations like this crop up. It's more that the hope of change is slowly leaving you. Realistically I know that my marriage is a farce, I can easily rationalise to myself that nothing is going to change, all evidence points to the status quo remaining, so why do we hold on to that pathetic little flame of hope?
I don't expect to find an answer to that soon, but the gods know how much I'd like to extinguish that fire.
It's difficult to appreciate the mistakes we make when raising kids, there is no practice run.
Yet, all relationships have there crap bits, nothing is perfect so how do we know when to pull the plug? I don't know, just wondering about walking the tightrope of modelling a poor marriage versus beung a bit part in my kids lives...
Last Edit: Jun 19, 2018 12:13:41 GMT -5 by mescaline
You don't have to stop caring, but I bet it makes it an awful lot easier to make the break.
How about caring enough to force the issue? If what other posters say is true and she would be fine, she just needs a stimulus. A way to push her out of her comfort zone and achieve whatever potential she has. This is probably my preferred angle on the issue. I know my wife is comfortable with her life, I also know she can achieve whatever she sets her heart on (she is realistic), but I'm enabling the stagnation.
I'm going through the same dilemma shynjdude. There are no easy answers, my wife has very low self confidence and minimal self esteem. I worry how she will manage alone, it will be upsetting for her, a change to the status quo always is. She may well resent me for breaking up what she perceives as a happy family.
But I'm coming to realise that it is all based on lies. She has the potential to do fine for herself, she's smart, attractive and can easily find someone else, someone compatible. She doesn't realise this of course, or may be she does. I don't know.
Ultimately though, the truth will out. It usually does.
Shoutbox
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
mirrororchid: Do you think it would help if the vow were changed to "Forsaking everyone but you". Exact same meaning, but less susceptible to twisting.
Jan 2, 2024 7:08:35 GMT -5
worksforme2: Happy Birthday week5of35yrs.....
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samc: It's not cheating if the spouse in question cannot perform sexually due to physical or psychosexual disorders.
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mirrororchid: New Episode, "In Sickness, and in Health", on ILIASM's unofficial podcast: RefusedPodcast.com
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