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Post by northstarmom on Jun 18, 2018 22:33:41 GMT -5
I'm an adult child of a SM, too. What Helent said here was true for me, too: "I tolerated my own SM way too long, because at least it was amicable and not outwardly hostile like my parents' marriage. Plus it did give me that secure belonging I'd never had before."
And like Helen, I moved far away from my parents and visited as little as possible. Even when I was in college, I avoided going to visit them because it was too depressing to be in the middle of their hostility and disdain for each other.
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Post by baza on Jun 19, 2018 1:27:07 GMT -5
The insidious thing in these situations is the generation creep.
A and B are in a dysfunctional marriage, and they have 2 kids, and they supply an example for the kids.
The kids in turn (or at least one of them) learn well, and as adults repeat the process and get into their own dysfunctional marriage. And have 2 kids, and supply an example for the kids to follow.
This 3rd generation (at least one of them) observe and learn well too, and select their partner and end up in their own dysfunctional situation. And have 2 kids, and supply an example for the kids (or at least one of them) to follow.
And so on down the generation(s) it goes.
Where "you", or I fit in the picture could be anywhere.
We might be at the great grandparents part, or the grandparents part, or the parents part, or the kids part.
But where-ever we are, the cessation of the cycle starts with us.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 19, 2018 7:23:31 GMT -5
My parents have never been in an SM (quite the opposite, they actually modeled a good intimate relationship for me and my siblings) but there are other, unmedicated mental issues on the part of my mother. It’s been very very hard for my father all these years and he did not hide the fact that sometimes he hates her and hates his life. However, they are incredibly codependent so leaving was never an option for him. As a child and young adult this was hard for me to handle - knowing this information, listening to the issues, but having no control to change anything - and it ended up being stressful and detrimental to my life.
Now as an adult it made me really realize how important it is that I model a good relationship for my son as it has a lasting effect. This is a contributor to why I’ve decided to leave my marriage.
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Post by mescaline on Jun 19, 2018 12:13:07 GMT -5
It's difficult to appreciate the mistakes we make when raising kids, there is no practice run.
Yet, all relationships have there crap bits, nothing is perfect so how do we know when to pull the plug? I don't know, just wondering about walking the tightrope of modelling a poor marriage versus beung a bit part in my kids lives...
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Post by saarinista on Jun 19, 2018 14:24:52 GMT -5
I say this: another term for a "sexless marriage" is a "bad marriage." No good marriage is sexless, in my opinion, unless someone is acutely ill or near death.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 19, 2018 17:30:32 GMT -5
I don't know if I agree. When I hear your story deleted I hear a child of an abusive couple, regardless of their sex life. Hating each other, being miserable, cutting each other down? That really sucks. I am deeply troubled that my kids are getting the model of a marriage without affection. They are getting a message of marriage as isolation in a way. My h and I go on separate vacations, for example. He does not now nor has he ever attended my family gatherings. My h is an academic and spends the majority of his time alone in his study. My kids also have very different relationships with us and will often tell me things and ask me not to tell him. This should be hard for me but it is not and they KNOW it is not. They do not mean to put me in a hard position- they just don't want to deal with telling him. They do not believe he will understand them and that telling him will lead to a very long and drawn out conversation on morality or similar. (my h is long winded) But my h is never mean to me and I am not mean to him. We still laugh together, support each other, insist the kids respect the other (other than above, I guess). We do the Sunday crossword puzzle together every week. We play family games at least a few times a month. My kids see my h and I debating politics, laughing at stupid things, watching movies or shows together at times. They see me asking for support in little things around the house or practically and they see him stepping up do those things. They do not see us being cold to each other. They do not witness overt resentment or cruelty. When we are together we are warm, friendly. I am sad about the model I am giving them but I do not think it is the same thing as you describe. They will absolutely have issues (don't we all) but I do not believe they are being traumatized by our relationship. Maybe I am wrong?
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 19, 2018 18:16:13 GMT -5
workingonit that sounds to me like a better model marriage for kids than what many of us have (certainty better than what I have).
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 20, 2018 3:28:38 GMT -5
My wife and I were civil in front of the kids until I told my wife I was getting outside the marriage what she refused to give me in it. It became a real cold shit-show after that.
I am not by any means saying that everything was great, bar the sex, because it was not, even though I started this process thinking that. There were a lot of instances of disrespect, some fairly abusive, that I overlooked, because I was in love. I don't think any of that toxified the world of our kids, though.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 21, 2018 11:26:01 GMT -5
I thought about leaving my miserable excuse for a marriage for many years. However, because my refuser has an undiagnosed personality disorder, I felt that I had to stay to run interference for my daughters. In doing so, I missed out on my prime sexual years.
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