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Post by TMD on Apr 6, 2016 16:16:15 GMT -5
Not for me! Although it do have therapist. I book in with her as necessary.
Hear me out for a moment:
I was talking with a friend. She and I are both in unhappy marriages. She grew up with a narcissist mother, and did a lot of therapy to learn how to manage that and grow out of it. She asked questions about whether or not my roommate had been in therapy. And whether or not we would consider couples' therapy.
Last July when I told roommate that I wanted to separate, he asked if we could go to a counselor? I replied that I would be willing to go if he booked the appointment. Of course, that never happened. I am well past the point of baby stepping him through his life. And I know he's capable of taking care of his needs, but he does not. Which is really sad, because there have been many times over the years in which I said, "you are entitled to…" Obviously he suffers from some amount of low self eeteem. And thus, and the cycle continues.
Anyways, back to the conversation with friend… She indicated that because the roommate is a half of a person ((you know, like "goo")) that he is incapable of booking the therapy appt, and therefore I should do it for him. Which also means I would also have to find a therapist for him.
Sigh. I don't want to. The guy doesn't even change the oil in the car. The guy can't go shopping by himself. And he can't seem to make decisions about supper, without asking me. Which may be common courtesy, but I don't care about what's for supper. I'm tired of making HIS decisions for him.
I don't want to be the bad guy (too late, really), and I'm not sure why I should book the appointment.
Although, on the other hand, I get what she's saying. My friend is saying that he needs somebody (me) to steer him in the right direction. And he will need therapy as this process begins to pick up speed. And she feels that it is the right thing to do because then he will make better choices when the day comes and he begins to date again. After all, knowing who he is and what he wants will help him pick a good partner, one who will be, ideally, a good role model for the kids ((yes, I know, I have ZERO control over that, and I am okay with it -- it will be what it will be)).
Im very curious to hear your thoughts? What would you do? Would you book your partner a therapy appointment?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2016 16:46:45 GMT -5
I don't know. I'm generally opposed to it, for the same reasons that you're talking about here. He's an adult. You didn't adopt him, you married him.
People were always telling me I should "make" my refuser go to the doctor, "make" him go to therapy, etc. Exactly how do you do that? I could pick up the phone and make an appointment, but could I physically force him into the car when the time came, and then physically force him to walk into the office?
It never came to that, because I never called for the appointments in the first place. I think I wanted him to care enough about my needs to do it himself. I wanted him to love me enough to want to get help for his problems, whether he cared for himself or not - because he cared on my account. If that makes any sense.
What I wanted was an adult man, capable of making and keeping appointments for himself, who loved me and cared enough about my concerns to be an adult for me and do his part to solve the problems. That's not what I had. It hurts me still to think about it. He just didn't care enough about what I wanted to do this.
If he had thought it through a little, it could have given him an out. What if he had made a doctor's appointment, and allowed me to be present? If the doctor had told him that his health problems would never get any better, and it would be totally unreasonable for me to expect any sexual interest...that could have worked in Mr. Kat's favor.
But we'll never know, now.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 6, 2016 17:36:28 GMT -5
I agree with both of you ladies! Let me take a guess at this. Could it be a " pride" issue. That is a major stumbling block for most guys. Not to catagorize all men ,but men tend to run, or hide from such problems. So taking them with you, under the disguise of " this is for us" could be very helpful to you and the therapist in showing them, this is what I deal with! It may be a win, win situation.
This also gives you more ammo in your camp. 1) I tried to help you, and us. 2) you refused to even try. 3) you are afraid of the truth. 4) you have problems that I can not fix. 5) this proves that staying together is detrimental for both of us. 6) the therapist agrees with me!
Then you can go for some individual therapy. That is were I am at!
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 6, 2016 19:41:17 GMT -5
With my ex I asked 3 times to go to marriage
counseling. It was always a quick NO.
I didn't give him an ultimatum. I didn't threaten
with divorce. It was just another way I was telling
him that I was not happy. I didn't make
doctor appts for him either. He neglected
his health for many years. He neglected
himself. In the end I didn't take his refusing
so personally because I saw him as not capable
of being intimate. He was intimacy averse
and neglected everything that was important
in his life. When I told him I wanted a divorce
he started going to doctors and asked if I
would go to marriage counseling. Too little
too late.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2016 19:46:27 GMT -5
If he isn't motivated enough to seek therapy on his own, it's unlikely to do him any good. A person has to WANT to change. You could book an appointment for him as a "see, I really tried" type of thing, but that's probably the most either of you will get out of it. And if you have to book the first appointment, are you going to continue to book his appointments and make him go? And how will you "make" him do the work necessary in therapy to make any kind of progress?
I forced my husband into couples therapy (I threatened divorce) and sadly enough, it was a complete waste of time. He would never engage, never even try to look below his surface answers to the therapist's questions. He did ask years later if I would go back to therapy with him and I said yes, if he would book an appointment, I would be there regardless of the day or time. Of course he never made an appointment, because he had no interest in actually changing his behavior.
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Post by Dan on Apr 6, 2016 22:07:32 GMT -5
If he isn't motivated enough to seek therapy on his own, it's unlikely to do him any good. A person has to WANT to change. THIS. I mean, if you made a dentist appointment for a family member who was too unmotivated to do it, at least they'd leave with their teeth cleaned. But your H will get NOTHING out of therapy if he doesn't know why he is there, doesn't have an idea what he is working on, or isn't motivated to change. (BTW, I'm very "pro-therapy" and recommend it all the time. So this is not coming from someone who is dismissive about therapy in general.) |
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Post by TMD on Apr 7, 2016 22:30:05 GMT -5
What I wanted was an adult man, capable of making and keeping appointments for himself, who loved me and cared enough about my concerns to be an adult for me and do his part to solve the problems. That's not what I had. It hurts me still to think about it. He just didn't care enough about what I wanted to do this. What we all want: a partner, a lover, who will meet us half way, at least, most of the time. |
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Post by TMD on Apr 7, 2016 22:33:57 GMT -5
I agree with both of you ladies! Let me take a guess at this. Could it be a " pride" issue. That is a major stumbling block for most guys. Not to catagorize all men ,but men tend to run, or hide from such problems. So taking them with you, under the disguise of " this is for us" could be very helpful to you and the therapist in showing them, this is what I deal with! It may be a win, win situation. This also gives you more ammo in your camp. 1) I tried to help you, and us. 2) you refused to even try. 3) you are afraid of the truth. 4) you have problems that I can not fix. 5) this proves that staying together is detrimental for both of us. 6) the therapist agrees with me! Then you can go for some individual therapy. That is were I am at! Meh. I don't want to go with him. In fact, I am not even sure I care if he goes or not. But the insistence of my friend... got me to thinking. i think i I will suggest it to the roommate. What he does is up to him. I have my therapist and am good with that. |
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Post by TMD on Apr 7, 2016 22:35:59 GMT -5
When I told him I wanted a divorce he started going to doctors and asked if I would go to marriage counseling. Too little too late. Are we married to damn man? Exactly how I feel; it feels too late. I have been waiting for progress for years. I asked for him to help me at my lowest point. He did nothing. |
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Post by TMD on Apr 7, 2016 22:37:45 GMT -5
If he isn't motivated enough to seek therapy on his own, it's unlikely to do him any good. A person has to WANT to change. THIS. I mean, if you made a dentist appointment for a family member who was too unmotivated to do it, at least they'd leave with their teeth cleaned. But your H will get NOTHING out of therapy if he doesn't know why he is there, doesn't have an idea what he is working on, or isn't motivated to change.(BTW, I'm very "pro-therapy" and recommend it all the time. So this is not coming from someone who is dismissive about therapy in general.) I agree. One has to be motivated to do something, otherwise they won't get the full benefit (gee, sounds just like what happens in a sexless marriage: not motivated = no benefits). |
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Post by TMD on Apr 7, 2016 22:44:04 GMT -5
Thanks everybody for your replies. I know that it's NOT my responsibility to book the appointment. I'm not much inclined to do so. But I think the roommate and I will need to have a serious chat soonish. I will encourage him at that time to seek out counselling. On a side note, he hasn't even told a single person of my announcement to leave. Probably for a few reasons; he may not believe me and he's scared shitless.
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