Not exactly but maybe

I love this blog. Some of it is eye-roll worthy because I am simply not as sensitive as she is, though I may agree with many points. But truly, her political posts kind of annoy me. I appreciate her honesty though, even when it is hard and public. I am a supremely open person - that openness snags me sometimes and I find myself sitting with the pain of having told people too much, but yet I do it time and time again. That said, I am not sure I could be this brave:

momastery.com/blog/2016/08/01/i-need-to-tell-you-something/

What does this have to do with ILIASM? Well, not much regarding the backstory. Her husband cheated, she found out and they worked through it. She found herself and all she had imagined about her life, a lie (previous blog posts) and she was broken. They, together, put it back together piece by piece. But what she is saying is that when she put herself back together, the new person that emerged was different and did not fit into the marriage anymore.

Even though the path to get there was very different, I was fascinated by a couple of things reading and re-reading the post (as well as previous posts) and reading the endless comment sections filled with women and men that were betrayed by their husbands and wives.

First, the funny one and because of our shared experiences:
1.). Crap! How many of these women were refusers? Women are mostly the commenters here.
Then:
2.) the stories they tell make me supremely sad if they are not refusers.
3.). Reading those stories makes me happy I did not outsource. I wanted to, I came extremely close - I even had 5 separate opportunities this last year alone. I felt a crazy-making attachment to one in particular, but in hindsight, it was rather ridiculous and needed to die although, I wish we were still friends and I kind of miss him >shrug<.
4.). Beyond a cheating spouse - relationships in general are work. Hard work. Despite my hard work in martyrdom, I did not work on myself - which was where the true issues were. I let that slide as in - look at me! I am suffering! Don't you feel sorry for me? Stuffs cheeseburger in mouth, handful of French fries, washing it down with a bottle of wine. Food, drink, excuses. I was an overweight (still working on that) binge drinker curled in a dark corner, shaking a finger at my husband for all he had done to put me there. The truth of it is - when you hold the mirror up and in the light of day, see yourself for the first time in a long time, you wish for lamp light. That image hurts and makes you want to dive back in your dark corner.
5.). Is anyone truly ever really happy? Is there ever a truly healthy relationship? I would guess the health of your relationship relies solely on your own mental health. If you are healthy you can work it out with another healthy person. Broken can still be healthy, if you can recognize the difference. Healthy may just be independence. The ability to stay or go, whatever suits. I am still grappling with this.
6.) I recognize that there are times when I slink back into the darkness. The recognition is helping keep me afloat and get back to business, but I can see myself dropping into old, comfortable routines as well. It is not what I want for myself, but it is a familiar beast. I am fighting like mad against that girl. She's a bitch.
7.) I may not "fit" in this marriage anymore. It is surprisingly more than tolerable, but as I emerge from my dark corner these last several months, and as the haze of learning a new job starts to lift - I just am not sure. It is equal parts terrifying to stay as it would be to go at this point and the only thing tipping my scales presently are the kids and why not keep trying for now? He is putting in the effort currently, so why not?

The craziest limbo-land... Being sure, and unsure, sure and unsure again. The only thing I can work on is myself and let the rest work itself out.