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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2016 15:51:22 GMT -5
www.crosswalk.com/slideshows/5-things-a-wife-really-needs-but-doesn-t-know-how-to-ask-for.html?utm_content=bufferd94e8&utm_medium=fbpage&utm_source=fbad&utm_campaign=5-Wife-Needs-W-MBFirst, I have to admit, I hate articles formatted like this, in a bunch of slides separated by ads. That said, these hit home for me. Simple points, really. Slide 1 has me all over it: “There are numerous things wives need from their husbands, but they don’t know how to articulate them, or they hesitate to ask because of the tension they fear the question will bring.” Guilty. I don't bring up the issues we need to discuss because I don't want to deal with his return. I must work on this. I have to move past whatever is preventing me from asserting my needs. Slide 9 goes hand-in-hand with slide 1: “Communicating your needs to your spouse is key; if your spouse does not know about your needs, they surely will not be met.” In other words, ‘Andie, if you're okay with the status quo, stay quiet.’ I am not okay with the status quo. I must speak up.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2016 15:58:48 GMT -5
What you wrote has me all over it too.... I just fear the response....
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Post by LITW on Aug 1, 2016 16:05:18 GMT -5
The one that got me was "undivided attention". I have been begging my wife for that for years, but alas, undivided attention is something she is unwilling to provide unless we are discussing how I do not meet her needs. She swears that she needs to be doing two things at once in order to pay attention, but I don't buy it.
That said, I do my best to meet her needs, but apparently my best isnt good enough for her, either that, or there is something wrong with me
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 1, 2016 16:06:34 GMT -5
I'm big on this idea.
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Post by litnerd on Aug 1, 2016 16:26:55 GMT -5
Almost every one of these has come up in my recent therapy sessions. Some of them I need more than others, but I find all of them applicable in one way or another.
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Post by adventura on Aug 1, 2016 17:26:31 GMT -5
I've had a breakthrough of sorts with my partner on the communication front, and it has nothing to do with scented candles, reset sex, or even better listening skills.
Rather, I have become very, very clear on what's wrong with our relationship, what he needs to change, and what I'll do if he doesn't change.
And I've started telling him WHILE he's saying or doing things destructive to our relationship - not before or after.
Example: he gets frustrated and starts cussing at everything in sight, which really creeps me out - not the cussing, but the way he does it, which is out of control. I used to try to ignore it or leave the room. Now I speak up while he's doing it and say, "I'm not going to listen to your verbal abuse any longer. I'm done. I don't care what your reasons are - do you get that? I DON'T CARE. Stop it right now."
The first time I did this, he went straight back on his heels, like, "whoa!" He stopped doing it for a week or so, which proves that he CAN control himself although he claims he can't. When he started in again, I said the same thing. This time he tried to blame me for provoking him, and I said, "This has nothing to do with my issues - these are your issues. Blaming me for your inappropriate behavior is verbal abuse. We can talk about my issues some other time when we've finished talking about yours." Again he stopped. This time he apologized.
I've never stood up for myself like this with him before - was always a little afraid of his temper. In my case, physical abuse isn't a possibility, so there's nothing to be afraid of, because I no longer have anything to lose, so I'm free to speak my mind. The only thing that could change my mind about us is if I get some very believable indications from him that he's willing to work on changing, following by the work itself, and actual change. My bullshit tolerance is running on empty.
It's a really good position to be in, and I highly recommend it. The only thing missing is a solid exit strategy - I was ready to go, but I found that my personal support network is in shreds after 12 years relying on him for all of my social contact. So I have some work to do.
Maybe it's a problem that I have to rely on this type of leverage in order to extract changes from him - or maybe changing the way I communicate with him will change the dynamic between us. It's worth trying and finding out, because I have nothing to lose.
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Post by baza on Aug 1, 2016 19:38:01 GMT -5
"If" you are not clearly saying what you mean (and meaning what you say) then that would indeed be a real good thing to rectify. And, it is within your control to rectify.
This part of the deal is where you are the "transmitter", and in that role your signal needs to be crystal clear.
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On the other hand you have a role of "receiver" too. This part of the deal you are only partially in control - the bit where you tune in to what is being transmitted as best you can. If the transmitted signal is garbled or unclear, you can not do much about that.
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And, on the other side of the coin, there is your spouse, who is also a transmitter and receiver. How good a transmitter / receiver they may be is matter over which you have no control.
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Then, of course, scenarios exist where there is nothing wrong with the transmission, and there is nothing wrong with the reception either - BUT - the receiver chooses not to get the message.
And equally, scenarios exist where the message being transmitted is quite clear, but is a false message. An example of this would be where you sent a message saying "lift your game or I'll leave you" but didn't follow it up with decisive action. Or a message is received saying "I will try harder" but no remedial action is evident
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Plus, there exists another facet of communication, that being that a whole lot of it is non verbal, arising in the form of body language, speech nuances and suchlike.
And the real big aspect, actions subsequent to the message being sent or received.
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Now my personal bias might be in play here, but generally, the people I see in this group are a reasonably articulate lot, seemingly quite capable of transmitting pretty clear messages. The problem is unlikely to be the clarity of their transmission.
Rather, the problem is at the other end.
The receiver is either incapable of receiving the message (unlikely but possible) or is choosing not to get the message (very common) in order to prolong the status quo.
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So, sure, work on your transmitting skills (that's a real good idea irrespective of anything else) so that what you say you'll do is matched by your subsequent actions.
And, work on your receiving skills too, but putting the main focus on the subsequent actions more so than what is being said.
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Communication IS key.
Both ways, transmitting and receiving.
By both communicators.
It won't work with just a transmitter.
It won't work with just a receiver.
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BUT, be aware, clear communication does NOT guarantee you anything as far as outcomes go.
Indeed it may well result in you finding out stuff that you'd sooner not know.
Communication may provide a medium by which problems might be resolved, but in and of itself, communication won't directly resolve jack shit.
Action will.
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 1, 2016 21:39:59 GMT -5
I will be the first one to admit that i do not always clearly express myself. I tend to live in my mind a lot and sometimes just assume everyone else understands how and why I've come to my statements.
It is an area of life where great improvement can be made.
That being said, I listen and try to understand what is being said.
I m not always successful in this. So sometimes I need things explained to me like I'm 12.
Another area for improvement.
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Post by litnerd on Aug 2, 2016 0:27:43 GMT -5
Rather, I have become very, very clear on what's wrong with our relationship, what he needs to change, and what I'll do if he doesn't change. My therapist and I just discussed this last week, and it's my homework. Even though H has never given me a reason to fear confronting him, I still fear confrontation in general (thanks to abuse issues from my younger days), so I know my communication is lacking. I was actually just talking to my SIL (H's sister) tonight about our issues communicating, and she made the observation that he is such an odd (for lack of a better term) person, that sometimes communicating with him can be like trying to hold a conversation in a language you've never heard before. |
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Post by ted on Aug 2, 2016 1:19:01 GMT -5
"We can talk about my issues some other time when we've finished talking about yours." That's a great line; I need to remember that. "But you do such and such" is my refuser's response whenever I raise an issue about her. |
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Post by petrushka on Aug 2, 2016 5:24:09 GMT -5
And this is something women need from men, but not, we are told by implication what men need from women as well?
I have had affirmation from my wife once. ONCE. She said "I'll probably never say this to you again, but I love you".
Why the "but"? And she didn't lie, she never did say it again. I know she does, but a little affirmation would not go astray.
Why, when I made a nice comment to her a couple of days ago she said "It would be nice to hear that more often" but
it never occurs to her that .... I fricken well might, too?
Irony about the helping, I can only shake my head. How many of the men here would say that about their wife?
Hey, GreatCoastal, how do you feel about that?
I don't actually like to ask my wife to help because after 30 seconds of waiting for me to finish one process she gets so
twitchy that she just has to race off and do something else. She does actually help, she helps a lot, but she prefers that
I not be there when she does.
Romance, hell. Wouldn't I like a bit of that? She's completely impervious. Wouldn't know a romance if it bit her in the arse.
If I get romantic, she just laughs it off, it makes her so uncomfortable. Ugh, feelings ..... scary.
I wish that father of hers was still around so I could kick the dumb bastard in the nuts.
</rant off>
Fortunately the rest of the stuff works, in this house.
At one point, early in our relationship, she actually said: "it's funny, you're more like the woman in this relationship and I am
more like the man". That was referring to needs, emotions, and sensitivity to others. But she's in fact way more vulnerable.
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Post by petrushka on Aug 2, 2016 5:36:01 GMT -5
"We can talk about my issues some other time when we've finished talking about yours." That's a great line; I need to remember that. "But you do such and such" is my refuser's response whenever I raise an issue about her. That is the Great Torpedo. It sinks all possibility of arriving at solutions and compromises. It's a defense mechanism, and it is utterly destructive. The "But you ...." and the "Yes, but ...." person is basically stating that they are not prepared to hear your truth. First rule of group dynamics, group therapy, feedback sessions, remedial team work: those two phrases are not allowed. Shut up and listen! Your turn will come later. "But you ..." does not justify anything. It's a 4 year-old's response. |
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Post by petrushka on Aug 2, 2016 5:49:04 GMT -5
Serious literature on this topic:
Paul Watzlawick & others: "Pragmatics of Human Communication" (one of the mainstays of my thesis as it were) as was
Eric Berne: "Games People Play".
Can't recommend them highly enough.
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Post by petrushka on Aug 2, 2016 5:59:27 GMT -5
The one that got me was "undivided attention". I have been begging my wife for that for years, but alas, undivided attention is something she is unwilling to provide unless we are discussing how I do not meet her needs. She swears that she needs to be doing two things at once in order to pay attention, but I don't buy it. That said, I do my best to meet her needs, but apparently my best isnt good enough for her, either that, or there is something wrong with me I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here. There IS somethign wrong with you: You haven't gotten off the hamsterwheel yet. Nothing gets their undivided attention faster then when we stop running running running running, trying to do our best to meet their needs. In my life that's empirically proven. Every time I stop, I get a lot of undivided attention. Ironically, I also get less recrimination, less "not good enough", more maintenance. I just plain hate doing that as a mercenary tool of manipulation. But have done so a few times purely to test, and the results were embarrassing me, so effective. I just want to do my best to make her happy, but I've decided that since it seems unwanted and just used against me, I do my own thing, and only do my best when and where asked to assist. That actually seems to meet her needs and wants better. Go figure. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2016 1:13:00 GMT -5
The one that got me was "undivided attention". I have been begging my wife for that for years, but alas, undivided attention is something she is unwilling to provide unless we are discussing how I do not meet her needs. She swears that she needs to be doing two things at once in order to pay attention, but I don't buy it. That said, I do my best to meet her needs, but apparently my best isnt good enough for her, either that, or there is something wrong with me I'm glad you see the futility of the "strategy" so many people LIASM adopt, which is to exhaust themselves meeting every need want and whim of their refuser under the delusion that a satisfied refuser will want to have sex with them. |
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