I believe this is "The Root Cause" - even in sm.

"We need to talk..." 
Thus began the end of my 32 year marriage. 
(Me to my now ex)
"We never just talk..."
Thus began the end of my two year affair with a married woman
(My former AP to her newly "aware" H)
"I promise you complete open and honest communication, no matter what"
The mutual commitment with the woman who has shown me the true meaning of a loving relationship.
(To each other almost daily, if not hourly)

My ex and I, married in our early 20's, busy with hers and mine kids, never, ever talked about our marriage, our relationship, our true wants and desires in marriage. Years of letting each other "slide" on the big things, the little things, even the day to day things, all leading to resentments that piled up. Until that fateful day I said we need to talk and discovering her resentments and my realization she would never be able to fulfil my wants or needs. Communication. Open and honest. 

My AP and her H, married right out of high school, her on a rebound but no real love and incapable of expressing her deep emotions and feelings truthfully though he pleaded for answers early on until he gave up and sank into depression and recriminations for the balance of their 36 year marriage, causing her to withdraw more and more. She became the refuser. He seemed uncaring. Finding me, newly open and ready to talk about deep feelings had to be a breath of fresh air. Though as our relationship grew, so did her guilt and she withdrew from me, shutting down topic after topic, including love and the future. Until that fateful day he said "We never talk.." and she found a man who still loved her. A man willing to recommit, to try, to commit to change, if she would. To communicate. I couldn't compete. Their history. Her feeling of the "known" V's my unknown. The guilt and sense of responsibility to try to make up for the years of not being what he had deserved. I "got it". But none the less, it hurt to the core when she said goodbye. Communication. Open and honest. 

I wrote a story on EP once, focused on my newfound "have to haves" in any new relationships. Wanting others to chip in with theirs, I started with trust as the most important. Trust your heart, body, and love to the other, trusting it would be returned. But in discussing just the other day my new loves list of "have to haves" after a failed marriage to a man who won't talk about any of his feelings, and seeing trust at the top, it hit me. I trust her, implicitly, more than I ever have anyone else, ever. But that trust came from, grew from....
Communication. Open and honest. 
Completly. 
Maturely.
Both ways.

Upfront. 
A huge difference. 
The difference of a lifetime.

This is typical behavior of an avoidant refuser.
He sees that something is bothering you and he walks away?! What kind of partnership is that? (Totally rhetorical)

I think that I would write a letter or an email in which you inform of of the following, think of them as learning goals because he is acting like a child/student and you are the adult/ teacher:

1) The problems with the relationship
2) How it makes you feel
3) How it makes you feel when he walks out
4) Your solutions for the problem - He needs to do x,y and z or you will be
A- outsourcing OR
B- walking out for good. (Whether you mean it or not he needs a scare in him)
C- Failure for him to discuss this and seek help will result in ladies choice.
5) Tell him to think long and hard about what's important to him.

I understand he is probably embarrassed and ashamed if it's a medical condition but if he loves you and wants to have a full life with you then he needs to get over the shame and grow up. On the other hand he could be wacking off to porn and he's intimacy averse or just is not capable of being with a real live woman. There are so msny possibilities but the bottom line is celibacy is not normal or acceptable and nobody has the right to make that unilateral decision for someone else. Eventually you will have to make a decision based on what you want for the rest of your time on Earth. Find your happiness.

It's that realisation that will drive your journey.

X

Your welcome and the answers don't come over night they take time.
You can provide him with opportunities to help himself and help the marriage.
I asked my husband 3 times in a 5 year period to go to marriage counseling he always refused and avoided. The other part of it is if your husband WANTS to be intimate with you and this is probably a harder concept for you to face than him. I came to the realization finally that my husband didn't ever WANT sex with me but was WILLING when I got bitchy once a year. When I realized it, I no longer wanted him. It was too late. At that point I had a decision to make. I outsourced then I divorced. He didn't give a fuck for so long and I finally showed him what totally not giving a fuck looks like.
Take your time but not too much time because months turn into years and years into decades. I was in a SM for 23 years. Set a time table for year self and lay your cards on the table.

I don't think lack of communication skill is necessarily the problem. Refusal and/or apathy are the problems. My spouse refused more than sex. He also refused to discuss many issues. When we did discuss things, he often refused to be civil.

I agree with the article. Refusers are not putting forth any sort of effort towards the success of the marriage. I could give many examples in my personal experience, such as the jackass actually admitting that he purposely did not participate and at times derailed marriage counseling on purpose because he felt like OUR problems were actually MY problems.

Yep, he was a winner all around, but he is not really all that unique. I think refusal (unwillingness) to do what is necessary is pretty common.

Ah yes, I think we are in agreement. Initially, I did not understand his communication. That is not to say he lacked skills, or that I did, simply that we communicated differently. I communicated via direct talk. He communicated via refusing. In retrospect, he was loud and clear, but when you are in love and believe that your spouse does not want to hurt you, some things are not clear at all. They are confusing as Hell. In the long run though, communication was not our problem. I caught on to what he was "saying" via all of his refusing. (And yes, he did admit that he sabotaged counseling. Sadly, it was not the biggest jaw dropping moment we had.) But once I caught on, I really saw him and all of his actions and all of his communication for what they were. They added up to a complete unwillingness to contribute to the success of the relationship. If one person is unwilling to contribute, lingerie and dates and bacon scented candles and counseling and understanding the deep underlying mental illness codified way back in the jackass's formative years are all useless in repairing things.

Communication was a key in my lack of understanding that the relationship was doomed. But once the communication was cleared up, it helped nothing. It is a factor to be sure since refusers are often vague on purpose. They leave hints that there might be hope on a number of fronts. They say nice things to obscure the nasty things they say. But in itself, communication is not the killer. It is like saying that lack of exercise killed a smoker who developed heart disease and COPD and who eventually died of respiratory failure, hastened by the heart disease. We can discuss the lack of exercise all day. It is certainly a factor. But that person could have exercised all the live long day for an entire life, however long it might have been, but the exercise would never have been able to overcome the smoking that ultimately led to the death. It might have extended the person's life or given it a subjectively higher quality, but it wouldn't have saved the person from premature and painful death due to the smoking.