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Post by ihadalove on Jul 26, 2016 17:13:34 GMT -5
Your situation sounds alot more hopeful than many of our stories here. In fact, I don't know of anyone with a more positive situation than what you've described. You're not too late, your marriage sounds quite salvagable if saving/keeping it is what you want to do. I particularly noticed the part where you don't want to give her what she wants (travel, spontaneity) if she doesn't give you what you want (sex). I've been there as the one who wasn't getting sex and so didn't want to give my spouse what he wanted. That resulted in the death spiral of my marriage and pretty much assured it deteriorated to the point it couldn't be saved. Don't do that is my best advice, talk about it, work on it, whatever you do don't passive aggressively withhold from her what she wants. I believe I saw you'd already been to marriage counseling. In a case like yours I think (especially with the right therapist) there is a good chance of marriage counseling being productive if your wife is willing to work on your marriage. Whatever you do, DO NOT get her pregnant before you've worked out your marriage. Don't make any other huge life changes either until you see if you're staying married or not. Yes, I have read through some posts here and I see situations that I couldn't imagine myself ever being in. I see that as good and bad. Things are good enough I'm willing to stay, but bad enough that I'm unhappy. I agree with you saying not to withhold what she wants, and I don't actively do that. It probably happens occasionally when I'm feeling low over things. If I'm not feeling good about us the interest in those things just isn't there. As for counseling, this was before we got married but I suppose it was the same kind of deal. My previous post about her not trusting or taking to heart suggestions from someone not "qualified" enough influenced how that went too. She seems to think that things she does can't "make" me feel a certain way, and that I'm responsible for how I feel about it. About the kid factor, I agree completely! Things are about to change a bit for us in a month or two, she'll be away two days a week for school obligations. I'm anxious what impact this will have on everything. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 26, 2016 17:48:13 GMT -5
She also won't put any faith in anyone that's less than a PhD it seems, as she's working on a psychology doctorate. Helen is modestly leaving out the small detail of her own PhD. Her words bear wisdom and hard-earned experience. |
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 26, 2016 18:24:24 GMT -5
She also won't put any faith in anyone that's less than a PhD it seems, as she's working on a psychology doctorate. Helen is modestly leaving out the small detail of her own PhD. Her words bear wisdom and hard-earned experience. I don't discount any well-informed opinion, degree or not! If something makes sense, it makes sense. With her, it's probably not only a PhD but one in alignment with a certain school of thought. |
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Post by baza on Jul 26, 2016 18:39:10 GMT -5
"Everything is great bar the sex" seems to be the position you are taking in this situation.
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Nothing unusual in that, most people arrive here saying that, and most times - as the story develops and more information is divulged - that position is shown to be incorrect.
Invariably, the sexual aspect of the deal is a big symptom of underlying dysfunction.
Like an iceberg. You see a small part above the water, there's waaay more to it that you can't see. At this moment.
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I would invite you to revisit your original premise, that "everything is great bar the sex" and put that under the microscope, and subject it to a critical and objective examination. Put on your wet suit and flippers and have a real good look at what's below the surface.
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The vibe I am getting is that your missus is in full control of the sexual aspects of your deal, so that matter - control - seems like a good starting point for you.
In the other aspects of the marriage (say the financial side, the social side, the partnership decision making side etc) is this tendency to control evident ?
Has she, in fact, maneuvered the situation around to where she is getting what she wants out of the marriage and you didn't even get a vote in that process ?
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That's all I'd suggest at this moment, that you put your original premise that "everything is great bar the sex" right under the spotlight, and take a full and fearless inventory of your deal.
Oh, and as previously suggested, do NOT breed at this point. You do NOT want to add any further complications to this dynamic.
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Lots of stories here start off "everything is great bar the sex".
Very few of the stories end that way.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 18:44:36 GMT -5
Helen is modestly leaving out the small detail of her own PhD. Her words bear wisdom and hard-earned experience. I don't discount any well-informed opinion, degree or not! If something makes sense, it makes sense. With her, it's probably not only a PhD but one in alignment with a certain school of thought. thanks for the vote of confidence :-) ihadalove In this particular area, I speak only from experience and years of therapy. It sounds like you have your work cut out for you with your wife! |
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 26, 2016 18:50:26 GMT -5
I would invite you to revisit your original premise, that "everything is great bar the sex" and put that under the microscope, and subject it to a critical and objective examination. Put on your wet suit and flippers and have a real good look at what's below the surface. Fair enough, I will think on that. |
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Post by unmatched on Jul 26, 2016 19:01:05 GMT -5
The following is entirely an opinion, based only on what you have written above, so please feel free to disregard it completely!
You are having sex 3-4 times a month, even if it is very uninspiring sex. So you do have something to work with here. I would assume if it is uninspiring for you, it is probably at least as uninspiring for her, if not more so. She is probably often agreeing to it to keep you happy, or because she feels she should, or because she is vaguely interested, but withholding a large part of herself either because there is a little bit of 'fuck you' going on in the back of her brain or because she really doesn't want to be that close to you at that moment. She seems to enjoy cuddling a lot, so there is still affection there and a desire to be close to you, but maybe not the desire to be quite as open and vulnerable as sex makes you.
So first thing is don't let this go. If you do and neither of you deal with it then it will get steadily worse until eventually you have a frosty wasteland where your marriage used to be.
Secondly, I would suggest not having blah sex. You are better off skipping it, because it reinforces the scar tissue that is already growing between you.
Thirdly you need to talk about what she feels when you have sex, or what you both feel when you have sex. If you were not having much sex but it was good, then I would think it might just be a case of mismatched libidos. The fact that you are having sex but it isn't that good says to me that it is more of an emotional issue. You need to be having sex with her in order to feel close and intimate and bonded. She needs to not be having sex with you (or not be having real, intimate sex with you) because it makes her feel ... what? That seems to me to be the place to start.
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Post by pfviento on Jul 26, 2016 19:06:22 GMT -5
Whatever you want to call it clearly the sex is an issue. I'm sure we all probably have different definitions. I would probably be pretty happy with the amount your getting.
I am not judging you. You may have different needs/expectations. Clearly it's an issue for you. That's really the important thing.
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Post by nyartgal on Jul 26, 2016 20:25:00 GMT -5
I'm with Baza that sex issues are usually a symptom of a deeper disconnect. If, as someone else pointed out, you were having good sex but just not as often as you would like, that would be one thing. But it sounds like even when you do have sex, the kind of intimate connection you want (that we all want) is largely missing. Something is holding her back from wanting it with you too, and who knows why.
Luckily, your marriage is still in good enough shape that it's not impossible to rejuvenate, like the vast majority of people who wind up here. But it will take BOTH of you actively participating in the kind of brutal honesty, compassion, understanding and effort necessary to figure out what's actually at work here and what to do about it. You'll only know where you stand if you have the hard conversations and see how she reacts. If she sincerely tries, you've got a good shot. If she just pays lip service or not even that, blames you for everything, you can pretty much predict the future of your marriage and it ain't good.
I would recommend being as honest as you can about how you feel and really listening to her about her feelings without accusing her or blaming her etc. Couples therapy could be helpful for this.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 22:52:42 GMT -5
So first thing is don't let this go. If you do and neither of you deal with it then it will get steadily worse until eventually you have a frosty wasteland where your marriage used to be. This. This a thousand times over. I started out where you are. We would talk about it and nothing would change. Then that turned into fighting about it and nothing would change. The we did counseling, but nothing changed. Then it turned into me being depressed because nothing ever changed, but occasionally still putting up the good fight trying to save my marriage, but (wait for it!) nothing ever changed. And then finally, there was nothing left to save. You are still at the point where you have something to salvage. Give it everything you've got and if it doesn't work out, you can walk away knowing you did every possible thing you could. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 27, 2016 10:13:47 GMT -5
Helen is modestly leaving out the small detail of her own PhD. Her words bear wisdom and hard-earned experience. I don't discount any well-informed opinion, degree or not! If something makes sense, it makes sense. With her, it's probably not only a PhD but one in alignment with a certain school of thought. Experience often trumps book knowledge. Who do you want performing surgery on you? The doctor who has read how from a book with no experience,, or the doctor who has done it 100 times successfully? this also sounds like a control issue. Your wife uses that as an excuse to avoid getting help. Help means change. That is something beyond her control, and she does not want to submit to change. Change can also mean submitting to the idea that you are wrong. A controller does not do that. The fear of having to give up there way of doing things, giving up even a partial control. you have been given a wealth of information here. Give it a season or two. I would like to recommend two books for you. Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and wild at Heart by John Elderedge. |
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Post by baza on Feb 13, 2017 1:52:52 GMT -5
I would invite you to revisit your original premise, that "everything is great bar the sex" and put that under the microscope, and subject it to a critical and objective examination. Put on your wet suit and flippers and have a real good look at what's below the surface. Fair enough, I will think on that. How did your examination of the full situation go ? |
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