Looking for advice, help, a place to vent
Jul 26, 2016 11:21:53 GMT -5
greatcoastal, Casiyessie, and 4 more like this
Post by ihadalove on Jul 26, 2016 11:21:53 GMT -5
Hello,
This will probably be a bit rambling so bear with me!
First off I'm probably not in a sexless marriage by the definition presented at this site. But sometimes I feel like I am. My wife and I dated for 6 years and have been married for about 3. We're in our early 30s. When we first met things were good. We were all over each other. As time went on some things changed, and she was less likely to want sex.
Sometimes we'll have a day where she'll be on fire, we'll be on fire and things are good. But it always goes away as suddenly as it occurs. When this happens I always get hopeful, only for things to settle back into how they were before. I'd say we have sex maybe 3-4 times a month, and maybe one time every couple months is really a great experience. Anything and everything is a reason for her not to want sex. In the morning she doesn't want to be woken up, and when she does she wants to "get up and going". After work she wants to get right to dinner, or she wants to too soon to make love. After dinner she won't because her stomach is full. After that she'll say "well I was planning on getting to sleep soon" even though she might spend another hour and a half doing nails, watching some youtube videos, facebook, reading, etc. Add in a good amount of her stomach bothering her a few times a week, and frequent headaches and the logistics get pretty difficult. In the meantime, my passion for her is high as it always is, and all I feel is dissapointment, rejection, and more increasingly resentment. I look at her in bed sleeping next to me and just feel so lonely.
It's gotten to the point where if I think of initiating something, the resentment is already there. I'm expecting to fail. I don't want to have to beg for sex, I don't even want to ask for it. I want it to be something that naturally happens between us. I want to be able to whisper something naughty I want to do to her later when we're out somewhere and have us be excited when we get home to do it. Instead it's the same old I'm tired, it's been a long day, I'm not really feeling it, etc. Instead I feel like I have to convince her we should, and sometimes we do but feeling you had to force it to happen isn't really a great feeling. Sometimes I don't bother trying, but eventuall I always start feeling desperate enough that I attempt it.
We did go to some therapy sessions a number of years ago before we were married. Some good things came out of that, some bad. There were some strategies that worked. There were others she would nod to in session and then dismiss them outright when it came to it. Setting aside specific times for it was one of them. Helping me by offering to do other things is another, she won't if she's not "into it". She says she doesn't see why my sexual satisfaction is her responsibility. I would like nothing more than to please her sexually constantly, and would at the drop of a hat.
We've talked about this a lot so communication isn't an issue. She just doesn't see why it's so important to me. Other aspects of our relationship are great, and we have a good life together. We enjoy snuggling together on a regular basis, so we have contact. I think she's beautiful and attractive, and tell her all the time. I love her, and care about her deeply. We don't have any kids. She doesn't understand why this is making me wonder if we should remain together. I can't make her feel that. I want her to understand that I want an active sexual relationship with her, and it's not just about the sex. It's about the passion, the playfulness, the flirting, the excitment, the enjoyment. I only truely get that with her every few months. Then it's gone. There are some things she wanted me to adjust in our relationship, and I've been doing those things and working hard at it. But I'm not convinced they are/were the problem, but more of a defense for her to put up when I bring up what I'm missing. I'm not sure how else we can approach it. I'm resentful, and she's afraid that when she says no it'll lead to conflict. I'm not sure how to get out of the cycle.
I'll admit I have a high drive. I would be up for a couple times a day probably. But I'd be happy with good, meaningful sex a few times a week. It would make me the happiest man alive.
If I knew years ago that it would continue like this I would have ended it. If other aspects of the relationship weren't good it would be a no brainer. So I'm just scared. Scared that if we end it I'll regret it. Scared she won't do well if we did, I do still love and care about her. And scared I'd just be trading a life with an unsatisfactory sex life for one with no sex at all, and no other company with someone I love. I'm scared what my family will think, what hers will think, friends, etc. I'm not even sure I would know how to be in a relationship where sex came naturally anymore.
There is probably so much I missed or didn't explain but this is a start.
This will probably be a bit rambling so bear with me!
First off I'm probably not in a sexless marriage by the definition presented at this site. But sometimes I feel like I am. My wife and I dated for 6 years and have been married for about 3. We're in our early 30s. When we first met things were good. We were all over each other. As time went on some things changed, and she was less likely to want sex.
Sometimes we'll have a day where she'll be on fire, we'll be on fire and things are good. But it always goes away as suddenly as it occurs. When this happens I always get hopeful, only for things to settle back into how they were before. I'd say we have sex maybe 3-4 times a month, and maybe one time every couple months is really a great experience. Anything and everything is a reason for her not to want sex. In the morning she doesn't want to be woken up, and when she does she wants to "get up and going". After work she wants to get right to dinner, or she wants to too soon to make love. After dinner she won't because her stomach is full. After that she'll say "well I was planning on getting to sleep soon" even though she might spend another hour and a half doing nails, watching some youtube videos, facebook, reading, etc. Add in a good amount of her stomach bothering her a few times a week, and frequent headaches and the logistics get pretty difficult. In the meantime, my passion for her is high as it always is, and all I feel is dissapointment, rejection, and more increasingly resentment. I look at her in bed sleeping next to me and just feel so lonely.
It's gotten to the point where if I think of initiating something, the resentment is already there. I'm expecting to fail. I don't want to have to beg for sex, I don't even want to ask for it. I want it to be something that naturally happens between us. I want to be able to whisper something naughty I want to do to her later when we're out somewhere and have us be excited when we get home to do it. Instead it's the same old I'm tired, it's been a long day, I'm not really feeling it, etc. Instead I feel like I have to convince her we should, and sometimes we do but feeling you had to force it to happen isn't really a great feeling. Sometimes I don't bother trying, but eventuall I always start feeling desperate enough that I attempt it.
We did go to some therapy sessions a number of years ago before we were married. Some good things came out of that, some bad. There were some strategies that worked. There were others she would nod to in session and then dismiss them outright when it came to it. Setting aside specific times for it was one of them. Helping me by offering to do other things is another, she won't if she's not "into it". She says she doesn't see why my sexual satisfaction is her responsibility. I would like nothing more than to please her sexually constantly, and would at the drop of a hat.
We've talked about this a lot so communication isn't an issue. She just doesn't see why it's so important to me. Other aspects of our relationship are great, and we have a good life together. We enjoy snuggling together on a regular basis, so we have contact. I think she's beautiful and attractive, and tell her all the time. I love her, and care about her deeply. We don't have any kids. She doesn't understand why this is making me wonder if we should remain together. I can't make her feel that. I want her to understand that I want an active sexual relationship with her, and it's not just about the sex. It's about the passion, the playfulness, the flirting, the excitment, the enjoyment. I only truely get that with her every few months. Then it's gone. There are some things she wanted me to adjust in our relationship, and I've been doing those things and working hard at it. But I'm not convinced they are/were the problem, but more of a defense for her to put up when I bring up what I'm missing. I'm not sure how else we can approach it. I'm resentful, and she's afraid that when she says no it'll lead to conflict. I'm not sure how to get out of the cycle.
I'll admit I have a high drive. I would be up for a couple times a day probably. But I'd be happy with good, meaningful sex a few times a week. It would make me the happiest man alive.
If I knew years ago that it would continue like this I would have ended it. If other aspects of the relationship weren't good it would be a no brainer. So I'm just scared. Scared that if we end it I'll regret it. Scared she won't do well if we did, I do still love and care about her. And scared I'd just be trading a life with an unsatisfactory sex life for one with no sex at all, and no other company with someone I love. I'm scared what my family will think, what hers will think, friends, etc. I'm not even sure I would know how to be in a relationship where sex came naturally anymore.
There is probably so much I missed or didn't explain but this is a start.
