Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 19:14:28 GMT -5
Several members of this forum are at the point where they are about to retain an attorney or on the verge of making the decision to do so. I just want to say this is the scariest part. It's not the hardest part, it's just the step where all the soul searching, all the crying, all the agonizing, the pain of making a difficult decision, all come to a head and it becomes real. Believe me, when lawyers get involved it's real. And that's scary! You might feel like you'll waffle, especially if your spouse is good at making you feel guilty. One more chance. I swear I'll try harder. What about the kids? You're throwing everything away. Especially those of you married to addicts. Not only are they virtuosi manipulators but you're codependent too.
But this is where you have to stay strong. We and especially EP old timers have read many stories of brutal divorces. Sheer hatred unleashed with no goal in mind other than to destroy them. But most of the waffling I recall came immediately after the announcement. Once you get into a fight, you find energy you don't know where it came from. Some who have recently gone through this will attest, they don't know how they did it. And when it's over they're exhausted. But in conflict we find energy. Your spouse is more likely to wear you down at the beginning before the adrenaline really sets in.
So don't turn back now. This is a huge step and you may pay for it in the form of a serious emotional beating. And the worst may be yet to come. But every step in the process you complete will make you more confident not only in your ability, but also confident that you made the right decision.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 24, 2016 20:23:06 GMT -5
Hint.
It may help, mentally, when you get up to the 'seeing a lawyer' line, to treat it as a fact finding mission.
A project, that you are researching so that you can make a fully informed choice about adopting it or not.
-
If there is one thing you do NOT need at this point, it's 'emotion'.
But that commodity, emotion, is what you have, in spades, in these situations.
-
Let as much emotional air out of the balloon as you possibly can.
Maintain an objective mindset as much as you can.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 24, 2016 20:36:36 GMT -5
After I announced my divorce intentions my husband tried so many tactics from threatening to quit his job, to begging and crying, to telling me he can't live and function without me that he would die. At one point that first night we were both in tears. When I told him I wanted a divorce I was very unemotional. Very robotic, like a lawyer giving her closing statement. After that first night in tears I was depleted. I had nothing left for him. After he was served he said, "so now I'm going to have to get me own health insurance but you don't care"! I looked at him and said, "No I really don't". Be done and get her done! Then you can literally get her done!! Sorry I couldn't keep that one in!  |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jul 24, 2016 22:46:14 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 2:56:19 GMT -5
Well, I'm pretty confident I won't turn back this time. This will be my 2nd lawyer in 4 years. I won't be foolish enough to wait and repeat this insane cycle down the road. Enough already. I'm done and bballgirl, wise words. Be done and get her done! That's my intention. I want to present H with a plan on Friday. I'd say this is moving quickly, but it's really only the end that's moving quickly. The last 15+ years of a largely joyless marriage? Yeah, those did NOT move quickly! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 3:00:51 GMT -5
Great song DryCreek. That'll inspire this week! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 3:14:26 GMT -5
Well, I'm pretty confident I won't turn back this time. This will be my 2nd lawyer in 4 years. I won't be foolish enough to wait and repeat this insane cycle down the road. Enough already. I'm done and bballgirl, wise words. Be done and get her done! That's my intention. I want to present H with a plan on Friday. I'd say this is moving quickly, but it's really only the end that's moving quickly. The last 15+ years of a largely joyless marriage? Yeah, those did NOT move quickly! Keep up the momentum! When it all goes down one thing that may feel almost impossible is to resist the temptation to justify yourself. A manipulative person can make you feel compelled to explain yourself, to provide justification for this decision. Well always remember this, there are no "grounds for divorce" plural. There is no checklist of criteria you have to meet before you are justified in initiating divorce. There is one ground for divorce: that it has become intolerable for you to continue living together as husband and wife. That's the only justification you need. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 25, 2016 3:51:34 GMT -5
Suggestion Elle.
Don't say jack shit about your plans until you have them in place and in do-able state.
-
Your legal advice should - among the nuts and bolts - have your rights and obligations (and his) made clear to you.
Your plan, for an example, might be to toss him out on Friday. It is highly likely that such a move is illegal and is not on. Such an event could de-rail the whole thing very easily.
Your plan, whatever it is, has to be do-able (and legal) in the moment.
If that means you have to revise your plan to observe the legal niceties, then that will take a bit of time to knock in to do-able shape.
-
Enthusiasm is a good thing to bring to the process, but it does need to be tempered with a degree of pragmatic and objective thinking.
-
Get the legal advice, knock your exit strategy in to do-able shape within the legal constraints.
-
Then, make the big announcement.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 4:52:01 GMT -5
Point well taken baza. One day at a time. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 16:15:34 GMT -5
Suggestion Elle. Don't say jack shit about your plans until you have them in place and in do-able state. - Your legal advice should - among the nuts and bolts - have your rights and obligations (and his) made clear to you. Your plan, for an example, might be to toss him out on Friday. It is highly likely that such a move is illegal and is not on. Such an event could de-rail the whole thing very easily. Your plan, whatever it is, has to be do-able (and legal) in the moment. If that means you have to revise your plan to observe the legal niceties, then that will take a bit of time to knock in to do-able shape. - Enthusiasm is a good thing to bring to the process, but it does need to be tempered with a degree of pragmatic and objective thinking. - Get the legal advice, knock your exit strategy in to do-able shape within the legal constraints. - Then, make the big announcement. One night after another stupid communication breakdown I just said we're getting a divorce. That might in fact be a direct quote. This was a mistake. Not because I lost cred by waffling, because I didn't. It was a mistake because had we been in a jurisdiction or situation where it mattered who filed first, I'd have been screwed. While I dallied wondering how I was going to find the financial and emotional wherewithal for this, she lawyered up first. And really even though it made little if any legal difference, from that point on I felt like she was the one driving the process, that it was always me trying to decide how to field her demands. So even if just for the very tangible benefit of feeling in control, this is good advice to zip it until you've got your plan laid out with your lawyer. |
|
