adeva228
New Member
Posts: 2 
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by adeva228 on Jul 24, 2016 7:57:53 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I am new to this resource, but so happy I stumbled upon it. I've been married 21 years, and in a SM for 12. No intimacy whatsoever. Only my best friend and my gynecologist knew. It was a very difficult decision to file for divorce. I love my husband as a friend. We are basically roommates, raising our 11 year old (adopted) son together. He is a wonderful man and a great father. We had no communication during our marriage. He felt everything was perfect, while I harbored resentment because I did all the upkeep of our home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He worked hard at his job, but would sleep on the couch until I got home and cooked dinner. He would eat, and then fall back to sleep. Weekends he would watch TV and sleep on the couch on and off all day. I came to the realization that nothing was ever going to change, and I couldn't continue to live in this dreary marriage. He has gained 120 pounds since we've been married. He has a hernia that protrudes at least 5 inches from his stomach. I am not attracted to him anymore. Coupled with the fact my needs have not been met, it's a recipe for destruction. I blame myself for not being a communicator.. I'm a peacemaker, and didn't want to be a nag. I conveyed this to my husband. It's not his fault, I should have told him my expectations. I want our son to know what a real marriage should be. I feel horribly guilty for hurting my husband and son.
When my husband and I stopped being intimate, I told myself that sex wasn't important. It was like I flipped a switch in my brain. That was 12 very long years ago. I have reconnected with my first boyfriend, my first everything, and he, too, was living in a SM for the same amount of time. He's been divorced for 3 years. He has brought out feelings in me I thought were dead and buried.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 24, 2016 8:02:16 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing that and welcome! Good for you in going after the life you want and deserve for yourself!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 8:18:25 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum! My situation was much like yours - married for 21 years, completely sexless for 13. I'm finally getting close to the end of the divorce process and I've had those days of feeling guilty also - mostly about my children. I just wanted to caution you not to take all the blame on yourself. I did that same thing for years and the truth of the matter is that your husband bears as much responsibility as you do. When you take all the blame on yourself, you basically just let him off the hook completely. Learning the difference between being a peacemaker and being a doormat has been a long road for me and it's something I still struggle with. So, cut yourself some (a lot) of slack and give yourself a ton of credit for having the courage to change your life! Good luck and come here for support and many friendly, understanding ears whenever you need them!
|
|
adeva228
New Member
Posts: 2
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by adeva228 on Jul 24, 2016 9:06:42 GMT -5
Thank you bballgirl and mountain runner. I appreciate the warm welcome and advice. I will try and not shoulder all the blame and responsibility. Thank you again.
|
|
|
|
Post by Pinkberry on Jul 24, 2016 15:39:13 GMT -5
Good for you for finding your courage.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 19:30:17 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I am new to this resource, but so happy I stumbled upon it. I've been married 21 years, and in a SM for 12. No intimacy whatsoever. Only my best friend and my gynecologist knew. It was a very difficult decision to file for divorce. I love my husband as a friend. We are basically roommates, raising our 11 year old (adopted) son together. He is a wonderful man and a great father. We had no communication during our marriage. He felt everything was perfect, while I harbored resentment because I did all the upkeep of our home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He worked hard at his job, but would sleep on the couch until I got home and cooked dinner. He would eat, and then fall back to sleep. Weekends he would watch TV and sleep on the couch on and off all day. I came to the realization that nothing was ever going to change, and I couldn't continue to live in this dreary marriage. He has gained 120 pounds since we've been married. He has a hernia that protrudes at least 5 inches from his stomach. I am not attracted to him anymore. Coupled with the fact my needs have not been met, it's a recipe for destruction. I blame myself for not being a communicator.. I'm a peacemaker, and didn't want to be a nag. I conveyed this to my husband. It's not his fault, I should have told him my expectations. I want our son to know what a real marriage should be. I feel horribly guilty for hurting my husband and son.
When my husband and I stopped being intimate, I told myself that sex wasn't important. It was like I flipped a switch in my brain. That was 12 very long years ago. I have reconnected with my first boyfriend, my first everything, and he, too, was living in a SM for the same amount of time. He's been divorced for 3 years. He has brought out feelings in me I thought were dead and buried. Welcome and jettison the guilt. You didn't create the sexless marriage. You could have communicated until his ears fell off and nothing would have changed. You do realize that I hope. If only you had done this or that..do you think it would have been any different? |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 24, 2016 20:37:58 GMT -5
You filed 6 weeks go Sister adeva.
Presumably you are in the negotiating stage now.
Sometimes in these situations, you see the "real" person emerge in your spouse, and sometimes that is a pretty unedifying thing to see.
Hope your unravelling of the puzzle is going smoothly.
|
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Jul 26, 2016 16:40:00 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I am new to this resource, but so happy I stumbled upon it. I've been married 21 years, and in a SM for 12. No intimacy whatsoever. Only my best friend and my gynecologist knew. It was a very difficult decision to file for divorce. I love my husband as a friend. We are basically roommates, raising our 11 year old (adopted) son together. He is a wonderful man and a great father. We had no communication during our marriage. He felt everything was perfect, while I harbored resentment because I did all the upkeep of our home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He worked hard at his job, but would sleep on the couch until I got home and cooked dinner. He would eat, and then fall back to sleep. Weekends he would watch TV and sleep on the couch on and off all day. I came to the realization that nothing was ever going to change, and I couldn't continue to live in this dreary marriage. He has gained 120 pounds since we've been married. He has a hernia that protrudes at least 5 inches from his stomach. I am not attracted to him anymore. Coupled with the fact my needs have not been met, it's a recipe for destruction. I blame myself for not being a communicator.. I'm a peacemaker, and didn't want to be a nag. I conveyed this to my husband. It's not his fault, I should have told him my expectations. I want our son to know what a real marriage should be. I feel horribly guilty for hurting my husband and son.
When my husband and I stopped being intimate, I told myself that sex wasn't important. It was like I flipped a switch in my brain. That was 12 very long years ago. I have reconnected with my first boyfriend, my first everything, and he, too, was living in a SM for the same amount of time. He's been divorced for 3 years. He has brought out feelings in me I thought were dead and buried.
Thank you so much for sharing. We do have similar situations. I have been married for 22 years and in a SM for about 10. I am a roommate to my husband as well as a co-parent to our three (adopted) children. My husband sleeps on the couch every night. We haven't slept together in years. It began with his horrible snoring and now I cannot be in the same bed with him at all. We lack communication on many important issues such as intimacy and finances. He avoids discussion and has throughout our marriage. I am also no longer attracted to him. It's a combo of him gaining some weight (although he doesn't look bad) and me being rejected sexually and intimately by him all of these years. I told myself that sex wasn't important too. I let it go and blame myself for not using my voice and making my needs crystal clear with him. I would convey my feelings to him, he'd say he would change, then things would go back to the way they were. Then I would just let it all go and life went on. My husband does help around the house and works very hard to support us. It took me so long to even get to the point I am at because he is a good man and father. I recently consulted an attorney. He knows I did and want to end our marriage. He doesn't want to lose the family unit and right now will not even consider divorce. I cannot continue to let my children witness this type of relationship. It is not normal. (I grew up seeing this in my parent's marriage and look where I am now!) I am close to sending in the paperwork, but want to communicate with him a bit more about it. I really don't want to blindside him. I know I will hurt him. My kids will also have a hard time with this. I need to be strong and make the move. If you have any insight, advice, support to share....please feel free to PM me. I am going to need it!! Would like to hear how you got the courage to divorce, how your son handled it, etc. if you are willing to share with me. Wishing you all the best. G |
|
