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Post by ggold on Jul 23, 2016 21:56:32 GMT -5
I have been sharing my situation with more friends recently. They have been so supportive. I just wanted to share what a friend of mine said to me today after telling him more about what is going on with my marriage. I've known him for 42 years....we were 6 years old when we met in school.
His words uplifted me today. And I truly needed it.
"my thoughts are with you...I always find situations like this so sad because I feel like one in the couple gives up too easily...in this case, it's "H"....you are a dynamic, vivacious, desirable woman...for him to not see that or want to partake in it, it's truly his loss...and this is a gay man speaking! lol"
LOVE my friend!! <3
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2016 22:19:52 GMT -5
What a beautiful sentiment. He knows you're all those things and then some. Sometimes I think we all need to pull a Ross and Rachel and be "on a break." It may make some spouses realize they've been taking us for granted.
I'm selective about who I tell. For the longest time, I thought I could never tell his family. Last weekend we were in his hometown visiting. Out shopping with my sister-in-law, I blurted out that her brother hasn't touched me in two years. She was shocked. Because we were in public, I tried not to cry, but she could tell I was hurting. She told me she didn't get it, for all I do for him. Then she said, "and you're hot to boot."
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 23, 2016 22:22:01 GMT -5
Yes you are.
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 23, 2016 22:23:05 GMT -5
I spoke to a long time friend a while back, he told me to outsource.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2016 22:39:44 GMT -5
I have only told mother... and of course she was concerned....and told me they were concerned she wasn't right for me BEFORE I was even married....
Haven't told friends... because I have no close friends.
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Post by ggold on Jul 23, 2016 22:42:49 GMT -5
What a beautiful sentiment. He knows you're all those things and then some. Sometimes I think we all need to pull a Ross and Rachel and be "on a break." It may make some spouses realize they've been taking us for granted. I'm selective about who I tell. For the longest time, I thought I could never tell his family. Last weekend we were in his hometown visiting. Out shopping with my sister-in-law, I blurted out that her brother hasn't touched me in two years. She was shocked. Because we were in public, I tried not to cry, but she could tell I was hurting. She told me she didn't get it, for all I do for him. Then she said, "and you're hot to boot." I recently spilled it all to my husband's sister as well. She said that she couldn't believe what she was hearing. I told my husband that I let her know. He was not happy with me. Tomorrow will be the first time seeing her in person since telling her. Maybe a glass or two of wine is in order. |
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Post by baza on Jul 23, 2016 22:43:32 GMT -5
Your title - "Opening Up To Friends" - has a whole lot going for it, and not just the positive affirmations you get about your femininity.
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It will expose you to "normal" people, with "normal" views, and "normal" lives, and "normal" problems.
It will get you a respite from the abnormal environment of an ILIASM shithole.
It will develop your communication and conversational skills.
It will help you see things from different perspectives.
It will "add value" to existing relationships.
It will build up and enhance your support network.
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I just cannot see a downside to what you did here.
Get into it, and do it more I reckon.
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Post by petrushka on Jul 24, 2016 6:19:56 GMT -5
My wife was just blown over when I told her that I have told my friends. Somehow she has this idea I'm some kind of hermit who never talks with any one about anything. Or maybe that one doesn't talk about things like that. But my friends are not the sort that only talks about beer and rugby and maybe engine oil ...
The one that blew ME away was the reaction of my sister-out-law. "Oh, what are you dithering about, you have a good relationship". Cut. Now I have a growing suspicion that my brother-out-law isn't getting any either. Its funny, she used to be a very good friend, quite empathetic, but I think the alcohol is eating away at that. Years ago I used to be able to discuss all sorts of topics with her. <sigh>
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 6:45:19 GMT -5
ggold, good for you! I kept my marital issues and pain secret for a very, very long time. Honestly, I felt it was all my fault for years and was so busy trying to better myself in order to fix things, that telling people wasn't on my radar. About 4 years ago, I started letting people into the inner sanctum. I now have a veritable army of friends and family on my side. I have circled my wagons. I have cheerleaders, bodyguards, fallbacks, and support in spades. I honestly think, in my case, doing all that legwork is a prerequisite to leaving. Isn't it nice to be validated and affirmed by others? In my case, the reality check that others provide for me is huge. I am forever doubting if what H has done or is doing is "bad" enough. I can and do take a lot from him. More than most people would. So, it's good for me to hear what should and shouldn't be acceptable. Two more random points and then I promise to shut up (long-winded as I always am, sorry). 1) Telling others has the effect of shining the light on the problem. No problem can be fixed until it is first acknowledged and brought into the light. There's nothing like shame and secrecy to cloak an issue indefinitely. 2) One of the greatest gifts (and validation) I get from having friends and family in the know is this: people like me! (Sorry, Sally Field much??). Honestly though, I live in a home where the person who is supposed to like me the MOST, to respect me the MOST, to support and uplift me the MOST, doesn't act like it. In my home, I deal with contempt on a regular basis (eye rolling, scoffing, sighing, etc.), neglect (he won't/can't listen to me - ever, his eyes glaze over the second I open my mouth - ouch), rejection (physical, sexual), the list goes on. To put myself out there in the world and realize that "Huh! I'm a decent person, people enjoy my company, they think I'm smart and nice and they LISTEN to me." Gosh, that's priceless to me. I need all-a-that juju I can get. Hugs to you, G!!! We'll get through this.
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 24, 2016 7:32:35 GMT -5
I have a hard time opening up. Trust is a big issue for me. Loyalty is huge with me. When i trust you, its completely.
This means that there are very few people in my life that I talk to about anything.
Typically, I'm okay with that.
I do wish I could trust my sister, but sadly, I cannot.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 7:59:23 GMT -5
Last weekend we were in his hometown visiting. Out shopping with my sister-in-law, I blurted out that her brother hasn't touched me in two years. She was shocked. Because we were in public, I tried not to cry, but she could tell I was hurting. She told me she didn't get it, for all I do for him. Then she said, "and you're hot to boot." I recently spilled it all to my husband's sister as well. She said that she couldn't believe what she was hearing. I told my husband that I let her know. He was not happy with me. Tomorrow will be the first time seeing her in person since telling her. Maybe a glass or two of wine is in order. Good luck today G. I'd like to say that I hope it goes well. Maybe I should say I hope it isn't too awkward. I'll have a mimosa for you this morning! |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 24, 2016 8:14:40 GMT -5
It is amazing the support I got from people when I started talking. I have close friends who know, and I told my parents and sister. Some couldn't believe it, and the ones who have healthy relationships don't totally understand, but they are supportive. When his mom and sister found out, they reacted differently, thinking I should stay and try to work it out with him (his mom is divorced, has a nonromantic relationship; sister in somewhat unhappy marriage).
Anyway, I think in telling we take some of the weight off our shoulders, sharing the pain and getting support. Having a place like this is so helpful, knowing it isn't just us and that we are not the only ones going through an SM.
GG, best to you in your conversation today, hope all goes well.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 24, 2016 8:30:22 GMT -5
For the majority of my SM, I told nobody. It was something I kept inside and I was ashamed of. Honestly the first person I spoke about with was a girlfriend I work with and have known for twenty plus years but we don't see each other much. Reading on EP as a lurker was my only other outlet. Next was my AP, he's in a SM too. We didn't talk much about it though. Then I posted my story on EP and I got to meet a few people who helped guide me towards understanding my situation better. In time I told my siblings, then my parents. Eventually I decided to divorce and that's when I told my close friends.
Most were shocked but you really know who your true friends are during a divorce. One friend offered if my kids and I needed to live with his family we could. He also gave me a bed so I would have something to sleep on, I planned to just sleep with my daughter until I bought one. So last I went out with these two couples. They wanted to include me because we all like each other and care about each other. So last night my doorbell rings and I walk to the door and two handsome men are standing there to pick me up. I gathered my things and joined their wives in the backseat. We had such a great time together. Went to a movie, really great dinner then back to their house for drinks and to hang out. The one thing I know, if I were still married there is no way in hell that there would be two men standing at my door. Thank goodness for good friends both online and in person.
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Post by Caris on Jul 24, 2016 11:40:27 GMT -5
What a true friend you have in him. I so need a friend like that, one that uplifts, and can see the good things in you. Precious.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 24, 2016 18:39:15 GMT -5
I have mentioned my SM at my men's group at church. There is also a group for people struggling with addictions, ( I went there the other night, I have no addictions) they get it. The pastors can't easily endorse or back a divorce, but the people, the body of the church, they get it! I missed my meeting this week and 5 of the men came up to me and wanted to know what was wrong? One even said, " we know about your situation, and it had us concerned when your not there".
My elderly neighbor was a councilor and she gets an earful from me, and our kids speak to her more openly than their parents.
My only connection with " family" is on my wife's side. At one family gathering I told my brother-in-law's daughter ( who is now married for over ten years and has two kids of her own) a short little blurb about my wife being " controlling " just like her mother. Her response was " yea, I notice that all the time."
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