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Post by ggold on Jul 23, 2016 16:50:37 GMT -5
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 23, 2016 16:58:03 GMT -5
Very true. That reminded me of the following meme someone else sent me a while back.  |
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Post by ggold on Jul 23, 2016 17:12:37 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2016 17:42:56 GMT -5
ggold, that really speaks to exactly the point I'm at right now. Glad you posted this. And the part about feeling alive again? When I think of leaving, boy do I ever feel alive and free! Pretty telling, I suppose.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 23, 2016 21:06:14 GMT -5
I think a good test is, "Do they make you want to be a better person?" I think it's a fair expectation that marriage should give energy, not drain it.
A la, "The whole should be greater than the sum of the parts."
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Post by ggold on Jul 23, 2016 23:52:15 GMT -5
I think a good test is, "Do they make you want to be a better person?" I think it's a fair expectation that marriage should give energy, not drain it. A la, "The whole should be greater than the sum of the parts." I'm so broken from being in a SM. If anyone wants to make me be a better person, it's ME. My marriage definitely is draining my energy. I find uplifting energy from sources outside my marriage. (friends, hobbies, exercising, my kids, my work, etc.) |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 24, 2016 15:01:13 GMT -5
I think a good test is, "Do they make you want to be a better person?" I think it's a fair expectation that marriage should give energy, not drain it. A la, "The whole should be greater than the sum of the parts." I'm so broken from being in a SM. If anyone wants to make me be a better person, it's ME. My marriage definitely is draining my energy. I find uplifting energy from sources outside my marriage. (friends, hobbies, exercising, my kids, my work, etc.) Awesome! I'm glad you've reached that point, Ggold. One thing you *can* control is to focus on yourself and do (a lot) more things on "becoming a better you". Regular weekly exercise I think is the #1 best thing people can do. This is advice I would give to *anybody*, having gone through what I have and having done that myself. Forget about where you're at (e.g. if you're currently in good physical shape or not)... just start doing it. You *will* feel *physically* better the more you exercise, which helps you feel *mentally* and *emotionally* better as well. And regardless of whether your current marriage / relationship lasts, any spouse / partner (e.g. your current one, or the next one if that situation plays out) will find you to be a bit more desirable if you're in better physical shape. AND you may cause your current spouse / partner to pause and start thinking about what's going on (e.g. is my refused spouse starting to become more attractive for *someone else*? Is my spouse flirting with *someone else*? If you plant the seed that there may be some competition, your refuser spouse just *may* start to act a little differently and *give you some lovin'* that you need. TL2 |
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Post by ggold on Jul 24, 2016 15:16:29 GMT -5
I'm so broken from being in a SM. If anyone wants to make me be a better person, it's ME. My marriage definitely is draining my energy. I find uplifting energy from sources outside my marriage. (friends, hobbies, exercising, my kids, my work, etc.) Awesome! I'm glad you've reached that point, Ggold. One thing you *can* control is to focus on yourself and do (a lot) more things on "becoming a better you". Regular weekly exercise I think is the #1 best thing people can do. This is advice I would give to *anybody*, having gone through what I have and having done that myself. Forget about where you're at (e.g. if you're currently in good physical shape or not)... just start doing it. You *will* feel *physically* better the more you exercise, which helps you feel *mentally* and *emotionally* better as well. And regardless of whether your current marriage / relationship lasts, any spouse / partner (e.g. your current one, or the next one if that situation plays out) will find you to be a bit more desirable if you're in better physical shape. AND you may cause your current spouse / partner to pause and start thinking about what's going on (e.g. is my refused spouse starting to become more attractive for *someone else*? Is my spouse flirting with *someone else*? If you plant the seed that there may be some competition, your refuser spouse just *may* start to act a little differently and *give you some lovin'* that you need. TL2 Oh no!!!! I don't want any lovin' from him!!! That's way over!! |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 24, 2016 21:55:22 GMT -5
Awesome! I'm glad you've reached that point, Ggold. One thing you *can* control is to focus on yourself and do (a lot) more things on "becoming a better you". Regular weekly exercise I think is the #1 best thing people can do. This is advice I would give to *anybody*, having gone through what I have and having done that myself. Forget about where you're at (e.g. if you're currently in good physical shape or not)... just start doing it. You *will* feel *physically* better the more you exercise, which helps you feel *mentally* and *emotionally* better as well. And regardless of whether your current marriage / relationship lasts, any spouse / partner (e.g. your current one, or the next one if that situation plays out) will find you to be a bit more desirable if you're in better physical shape. AND you may cause your current spouse / partner to pause and start thinking about what's going on (e.g. is my refused spouse starting to become more attractive for *someone else*? Is my spouse flirting with *someone else*? If you plant the seed that there may be some competition, your refuser spouse just *may* start to act a little differently and *give you some lovin'* that you need. TL2 Oh no!!!! I don't want any lovin' from him!!! That's way over!! Doh! Well, OK then... Pardon my ignorance there. Glad you're on a better path, no matter what. I've been sporadic when popping in here on this forum so I apologize for not knowing what stage you were at. I guess I was just thinking back to when I first started making some changes like that... and didn't care if the marriage necessarily worked out or not... I was determined to focus on becoming a better me, which helps you either way the marriage works out. TL2 |
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Post by ggold on Jul 24, 2016 22:00:07 GMT -5
timeforliving2. Lol. It's okay!!! I cannot even think about being intimate with him anymore. Ewwww!! Sexless for about 10 years. I lost that lovin' feeling with him and will hopefully find it with another man one day in the future.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 24, 2016 22:10:37 GMT -5
timeforliving2 . Lol. It's okay!!! I cannot even think about being intimate with him anymore. Ewwww!! Sexless for about 10 years. I lost that lovin' feeling with him and will hopefully find it with another man one day in the future. I know where you're coming from... my whole marriage was virtual sexless (less than 10x) for 20 years, generally decreasing every year, and including 4 years of complete zero. I wouldn't wish that hell on even any enemies I may have (well maybe one real a**hole!). I hate thinking back on it and just have to keep focused on looking forward. The SM is indelibly a part of me but I have to focus on the future. Best of luck with *your* future! TL2 |
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Post by ggold on Jul 24, 2016 22:13:29 GMT -5
timeforliving2 . Lol. It's okay!!! I cannot even think about being intimate with him anymore. Ewwww!! Sexless for about 10 years. I lost that lovin' feeling with him and will hopefully find it with another man one day in the future. I know where you're coming from... my whole marriage was virtual sexless (less than 10x) for 20 years, generally decreasing every year, and including 4 years of complete zero. I wouldn't wish that hell on even any enemies I may have (well maybe one real a**hole!). I hate thinking back on it and just have to keep focused on looking forward. The SM is indelibly a part of me but I have to focus on the future. Best of luck with *your* future! TL2 Omg!! That is hell!! I will be married 23 years in Oct. and believe me, the frequency decreased significantly soon after we got married. Best of luck to you as well! Where are you in your journey, may I ask? |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 24, 2016 22:37:17 GMT -5
I know where you're coming from... my whole marriage was virtual sexless (less than 10x) for 20 years, generally decreasing every year, and including 4 years of complete zero. I wouldn't wish that hell on even any enemies I may have (well maybe one real a**hole!). I hate thinking back on it and just have to keep focused on looking forward. The SM is indelibly a part of me but I have to focus on the future. Best of luck with *your* future! TL2 Omg!! That is hell!! I will be married 23 years in Oct. and believe me, the frequency decreased significantly soon after we got married. Best of luck to you as well! Where are you in your journey, may I ask? I have actually had a turn around / break through with my W / former refuser in January 2014. We've actually had sex on average about once a week since then. That's huge from where I came from and so we're still together. However, our sex life is very scheduled, rarely spontaneous, and very routine. I feel I have no room to complain in this forum because any kind of regular sex helps one feel normal, confident, and alive. Through counseling my W has changed somewhat (and I have too)... at least enough to finally understand that sex is a need, not a want... but I feel there is still a ways to go before I'd truly feel crazy in love with her. We have been on a break from counseling for about 5 months now (for various reasons)... After our break through we went to counseling monthly (e.g. there was no way in hell I wanted the sex to go away again so I felt that counseling was my "insurance"). In a nutshell life is complicated for many of us and my life is no different. I'm better than I was before but still have a ways to go to reverse all of the bad ripple effects of the 20 year SM. I keep reminding myself to look forward because looking back can be painful sometimes and seems counter productive. So I guess I'm happier my life is better but I still want it to be much more. Health issues with my 2 kids have added stress to the marriage. TL2 |
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