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Post by Caris on Jul 23, 2016 11:39:40 GMT -5
It's strange how insights still hit me, making me aware of issues yet to be dealt with, after one-year PSM.
It struck me only minutes ago that I had forgotten how to play...or be playful. I'm sure that comes from a 25-year marriage that had no playful moments, one where every day...after the first 6-8 weeks was disharmony and discord every day. We did smile and laugh at times, in the early days, but mostly it was the opposite of harmony. We were hardly ever on the same page, with him rejecting me sexually as the main story.
My eldest son's girlfriend sent me a pic of my son photoshopped as a cute puppy. My first reaction was annoyance. Not withstanding that I think the puppy was my dog who stayed with my ex, and who I miss terribly, therefore evoking emotional pain. I didn't know how to respond, so I took a few moments to put myself in her shoes, and try and see from her perception why she had done this. The answer I got was she thought it was cute and funny, and wanted to share it with me. In fact, she was being playful. Pretty sweet isn't it.
Dear God, I suddenly became aware that the playful side of me had been buried (along with my sense of being a woman) over 25-years of no playful moments (or none that I can remember), and a great deal of stress and emotional pain.
I recall saying several times on EP that I knew I was damaged by the experience. I was aware of not trusting, not being able to let people in and get close to me, having a barrier of protection between me and any man...I think this was exacerbated from losing one of the loves of my life on EP. I was fully aware of this, but now I realize the damage is much more extensive, and other aspects are exposed as something triggers a response that has me thinking why I responded how I did.
Will I ever feel like a woman again? Will I ever regain the playful side of myself? And God knows what other issues I have that I'm not even consciously aware of (what I am aware of is enough to be dealing with). I don't know, but one thing I do know is it's likely more insights will surface as something triggers these responses, and it reinforces even more the theory that it takes one-year of healing for every five-years spent in a SM. I have four more to go.
It does not help that I am alone dealing with this. I think if I had a loving and supportive family and friends, the healing has to be expedited, but as I have no emotional support at all, except my own, then healing is always prolonged and more difficult.
The greatest thing missing in my life has been kindness and care. Two qualities that seem like luxuries to me. I do know that when I'm ready to be in the world again, I want to work with those who feel unloved and unwanted. Even if I can only provide a small portion of loving kindness in their lives, it's something, and I know too well what a little kindness can do for a person.
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unkakris
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Trying to Figure This Out
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Post by unkakris on Jul 23, 2016 11:58:01 GMT -5
SNIP Even if I can only provide a small portion of loving kindness in their lives, it's something, and I know too well what a little kindness can do for a person. Model the behavior you would welcome to the wide world. Grow your emotional garden in a patch of soil that you borrow. It will bloom, and soon enough send tendrils back to you, where it will double, and redouble. |
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Post by Caris on Jul 23, 2016 13:04:26 GMT -5
SNIP Even if I can only provide a small portion of loving kindness in their lives, it's something, and I know too well what a little kindness can do for a person. Model the behavior you would welcome to the wide world. Grow your emotional garden in a patch of soil that you borrow. It will bloom, and soon enough send tendrils back to you, where it will double, and redouble. My behavior is modeled on my own compassion. It is who I am. I have worked with mentally retarded children, visited the lonely and the elderly, given time and attention to those who needed it at great cost to my own welfare. Sat up all night with the suicidal, when I myself was one day out of hospital and needing comfort myself. My whole life, I have been there for people and animals. I'm one of the kindest people I know. I will not change, but it did not bring kindness my way. I learned years ago that a kindly innocent soul will attract those who would take advantage, so I who was a very sensitive soul (and still am) had to toughen up, stand up for myself, and take no abuse. I like who I am. I know who I am at my core, and that's the best thing to know who you are. I am kind to those I come across in my daily life...all creatures...but I have learned to set boundaries to preserve my own wellbeing. I burned out putting myself last all the time, so now I care for me too. The only reason that I have taken a step back from working with those who need love is because I am drained, and my brain shut down (breakdown) and has not fully recovered. I could do with a little love myself, but my experience shows that giving love will not give you love in kind, so I love myself as I am, and time will (or will not) take care of the rest. I live in the present moment, and accept the Now as is, even if I don't like the "as is." I need to heal those lost parts of myself. That is my priority now. I can't help others when I am wounded myself. |
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Post by adventura on Jul 23, 2016 13:32:37 GMT -5
I have a friend with PTSD, and Caris, your writing voice reminds me of her, so I'll tell a bit of her story in the hope it helps. If not, perhaps someone else will be helped by it.
She was sexually abused as a child for years and had terrible memories. When she was in her 20s she was able to stuff it down by abusing drugs and alcohol, and she lived with a man who more or less brainwashed her into thinking she was nothing and she would never be able to survive without him.
She was a survivor - she left him with one suitcase in the middle of the night and built a life on her own, but it wasn't until she got into individual counseling that she was able to confront her past and stop the substance abuse. I wish I could tell you it was a short, smooth process, but it wasn't. It took at least a decade, and she changed counselors three times due to relocation, counselor decided to take time out to have kids, etc. All incredibly difficult and painful for her.
She isolated herself more during this time. I don't blame her - she really didn't feel good about herself, and dealing with other people got to be too much for her. Our friendship was a casualty of that, as were many others. She blamed me for it and pointed out my faults to me. All of them were true, and the decision to sever ties with me was her right. Still I miss the lighthearted, funny person she was and I hope she's found that side of herself again. I hope she's found new friends, but I'm afraid she hasn't. It's like some things got better for her while that part got worse.
She makes ceramics and gets sustenance from that, but it's a solitary pursuit. I wish I could tell her to just do one thing for fun with other people every day, even if it's painful at first. It gets easier. I'm a big fan of leading with the body in making changes. Your body will carry you when your mind resists because your body is the vessel for your mind and is stronger. Ever try to use willpower to resist eating when you're starving? That's what I mean.
I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to do service work right now. It can be incredibly draining when you're already depleted. Be selfish instead, but also push your comfort zone a bit with other people.
I love Meetup. Try different groups in your area that do activities that interest you and keep rejecting them until you find one that fits.
In a way it's no different than leaving your marriage was - one day you realize time is passing and you spontaneously make a move. Sending you thoughts of support.
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Post by Caris on Jul 23, 2016 18:34:35 GMT -5
Dear, adventura, Thank you for this thoughtful and kind response. I am sorry about your friend, and I can understand why she has chosen a life of solitude, though I am sure she feels lonely too. Life has let her down. People (those closest to her, from a very young age) have let her down. Over time, the brain will rewire itself with new neural pathways and beliefs that people hurt and betray us, so best stay alone to be safe. This is now part of her, as it is part of me. Is it true? For her...yes...because that is her truth and her personal experience of life. Also, true for me. The cure or solution is much more than simply making a choice to be different, though one could do that, but it has been my belief (and now science is backing up that belief) that when exposed to trauma or prolonged negative experiences, the brain will actually "rewire" itself, and this is now your truth. Almost like (or the same) as imprinting on our nervous system, like ducklings imprint on their mother...or the first thing that moves. So it becomes more than saying, "I will do this or not do that" anymore. The rewiring has to be unwired, or maybe written over...if that's possible. I'm sure it is, but would take tremendous effort and time with a professional who knew about such things. I don't know enough about it. I do my own contemplations, deep looking, reflections that bring insight, but that pain within never goes away completely, and I think I just found out why in the past hour, but that's another insight and another post. Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. Namaste |
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unkakris
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Trying to Figure This Out
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Post by unkakris on Jul 23, 2016 19:02:37 GMT -5
Caris please forgive me if I was glib in my response. I meant to offer kind words, but was gifted instead with a moment of mindfulness in your reply. I don't know your story. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to listen. May it please you to go in peace, and know that I am smiling in appreciation.
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Post by Caris on Jul 23, 2016 20:35:59 GMT -5
Caris please forgive me if I was glib in my response. I meant to offer kind words, but was gifted instead with a moment of mindfulness in your reply. I don't know your story. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to listen. May it please you to go in peace, and know that I am smiling in appreciation. Dear unkakris, No need for forgiveness. You gave advice in the spirit of helping. You do not know my past history, or back story. Even on EP, our stories are only a snapshot of a whole life and its details. Thank you. I think it's wonderful that you had a moment of mindfulness, and in that moment, this is what touched you. Peace brother. 😊🙏 |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 5, 2016 14:45:38 GMT -5
{{hugs}}
I think of you when I am sad or anyway, have lately. I'm glad to see your post about boundary-setting. This has been a theme for me too last few months. I understand the advice I am getting (in my recovery groups) to get outside of myself and be of to help to others. But I also am very aware of my propensity to do that AT the expense of my own well-being. So now - if I feel like withdrawing and not helping, I invoke self-care principles and state that I can't do XYZ. At first, I did struggle with a layer of guilt over "being selfish" to not help another. I have nearly gotten over that and speak more freely in my group that it is up to me to define my own self-care. I have to remember that I have a lot of years to make up for. I need to replenish my reserves (energetic-wise, I mean). I cannot pour from an empty cup - - at least not without causing resentments (which are toxic to me and to my sobriety) - so I have become quite zealous in protecting my space and my energy/attention and avoiding folks who only take & don't give back (the nonstop talkers, the folks who only complain or bring bad news and never, ever have a positive word). I just cannot hang with that sort any more - I can feel my reserves drain down if I accidentally get stuck in a conversation with someone like this.
I am getting better at it and I hope you will find this skill increases for you too, as we both practice self-preservation. Like you said, we may still have years to go (but I think it will be worth it!).
Love you, Sister C!
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Post by Caris on Aug 9, 2016 10:46:52 GMT -5
{{hugs}} I think of you when I am sad or anyway, have lately. I'm glad to see your post about boundary-setting. This has been a theme for me too last few months. I understand the advice I am getting (in my recovery groups) to get outside of myself and be of to help to others. But I also am very aware of my propensity to do that AT the expense of my own well-being. So now - if I feel like withdrawing and not helping, I invoke self-care principles and state that I can't do XYZ. At first, I did struggle with a layer of guilt over "being selfish" to not help another. I have nearly gotten over that and speak more freely in my group that it is up to me to define my own self-care. I have to remember that I have a lot of years to make up for. I need to replenish my reserves (energetic-wise, I mean). I cannot pour from an empty cup - - at least not without causing resentments (which are toxic to me and to my sobriety) - so I have become quite zealous in protecting my space and my energy/attention and avoiding folks who only take & don't give back (the nonstop talkers, the folks who only complain or bring bad news and never, ever have a positive word). I just cannot hang with that sort any more - I can feel my reserves drain down if I accidentally get stuck in a conversation with someone like this. I am getting better at it and I hope you will find this skill increases for you too, as we both practice self-preservation. Like you said, we may still have years to go (but I think it will be worth it!). Love you, Sister C! Dear Grant, one thing that shines from whatever you write is your pure and loving heart. You are like a balm to a wound with your nurturing and kind spirit, and I'm grateful for this...for you. I like this...Self Care Principles. It is vital to healing, and I'm happy to know you have set boundaries too. Like you, my energy reserves drain down rapidly, and I feel overwhelmed by people and situations, so my solution is to choose a life of solitude to the best of my ability. It affords me respite from a world I no longer feel a part of. Krishnamurti said something to the effect of...it's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society...and after being sequestered in a profoundly sick marriage, I find that society is not much different. My very best to you, Grant. You really are a special person. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 1:54:33 GMT -5
It's strange how insights still hit me, making me aware of issues yet to be dealt with, after one-year PSM. It struck me only minutes ago that I had forgotten how to play...or be playful. I'm sure that comes from a 25-year marriage that had no playful moments, one where every day...after the first 6-8 weeks was disharmony and discord every day. We did smile and laugh at times, in the early days, but mostly it was the opposite of harmony. We were hardly ever on the same page, with him rejecting me sexually as the main story. My eldest son's girlfriend sent me a pic of my son photoshopped as a cute puppy. My first reaction was annoyance. Not withstanding that I think the puppy was my dog who stayed with my ex, and who I miss terribly, therefore evoking emotional pain. I didn't know how to respond, so I took a few moments to put myself in her shoes, and try and see from her perception why she had done this. The answer I got was she thought it was cute and funny, and wanted to share it with me. In fact, she was being playful. Pretty sweet isn't it. Dear God, I suddenly became aware that the playful side of me had been buried (along with my sense of being a woman) over 25-years of no playful moments (or none that I can remember), and a great deal of stress and emotional pain. I recall saying several times on EP that I knew I was damaged by the experience. I was aware of not trusting, not being able to let people in and get close to me, having a barrier of protection between me and any man...I think this was exacerbated from losing one of the loves of my life on EP. I was fully aware of this, but now I realize the damage is much more extensive, and other aspects are exposed as something triggers a response that has me thinking why I responded how I did. Will I ever feel like a woman again? Will I ever regain the playful side of myself? And God knows what other issues I have that I'm not even consciously aware of (what I am aware of is enough to be dealing with). I don't know, but one thing I do know is it's likely more insights will surface as something triggers these responses, and it reinforces even more the theory that it takes one-year of healing for every five-years spent in a SM. I have four more to go. It does not help that I am alone dealing with this. I think if I had a loving and supportive family and friends, the healing has to be expedited, but as I have no emotional support at all, except my own, then healing is always prolonged and more difficult. The greatest thing missing in my life has been kindness and care. Two qualities that seem like luxuries to me. I do know that when I'm ready to be in the world again, I want to work with those who feel unloved and unwanted. Even if I can only provide a small portion of loving kindness in their lives, it's something, and I know too well what a little kindness can do for a person. Hello Caris, I have read this thread and thought about what you are thinking and saying. It is tragic that you have made the realization that your playful side has been missing for most of your life. I cannot say it as well as these 3 quotes I will share: "The heart of Laughter Yoga does not really lie in laughter but in helping people develop and rediscover their childlike playfulness. When we re-learn to be playful like a child, laughter comes so naturally, as your inner child comes out of yourself once again. From physical playfulness comes a playful mental attitude that helps develop one’s sense of humor. You then begin to see the funny side of life and learn to take life lighter — your outlook becomes brighter, and your attitude better." --Dr. Madan Kataria “We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything, than when we are at play.” -- Charles E. Schaefer “Play is the highest form of research.” -- Albert Einstein I think and know also that you are not alone, you have many great friends right here who offer you their support and love. Your kindness and devotion to those in need makes you special. To quote the Dalai Lama "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions", I surmise that your actions have both brought happiness to a great many others, and your actions should bring you great happiness as well. Wishing you health, happiness, laughter and fantastic play! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 10, 2016 7:24:32 GMT -5
OMG - I so love THIS: Krishnamurti said something to the effect of...it's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society...and after being sequestered in a profoundly sick marriage, I find that society is not much different.
Yes. That is part of what my use/abuse of alcohol was trying to "correct" was my need for connection in a society that would rather see me heartless and dragged down to an animal way of relating. Wow - - thank you for that one!
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Post by baza on Aug 12, 2016 19:00:36 GMT -5
The underlying vibe I am getting from your original post here, and your responses to it Sister caris, is this -
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(a) - you think that you have forgotten how to play. (I truly doubt that that is the case actually. There are glimpses in your postings that indicate you do know how to play)
(b) - that you actually do want to play / participate.
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I reckon that (b) will end up carrying the day.
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"How" you might expedite that process might be the core question here.
You appear to be going at a pace that you are comfortable with, and taking it on in little bites.
That looks like a pretty sound policy to me.
Maybe, you might look at pushing the envelope just a little bit, just to a point where you are slightly out of your comfort zone, and see what happens
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When one is IN an ILIASM shithole, time is not your friend.
Once you are OUT of an ILIASM shithole, time IS your friend.
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