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Post by Neotericgal on Jul 23, 2016 6:13:12 GMT -5
I got to thinking about the word "waffle" (web's use of the word inspired this post, lol) and realized that when used as an adjective as defined in the urban dictionary (and not a tasty meal) that the word waffle seems to (at least to me), aptly describe the refused in a SM.
We seem to tend to waffle about our happiness, our convictions that we deserve intimacy and we allow doubt to creep in - perhaps we are swayed by our partners direct or vague promises of a better day or our desire to not take a lifeboat when the cruise ship has a gaping hole in it because of our hopes that things will get better?
I get inspired by those who share that they are striving towards healing themselves, the broken pieces of their selves that were damaged over years of emotional and physical neglect whether they are still in their SM or have found that inner peace outside of it.
These were random thoughts, but I welcome input?
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 23, 2016 6:44:17 GMT -5
I definitely waffled and at first I wanted to say it's because of an inability to make decisions, but I thought for another ten seconds and realized it's not that. Think a few more seconds, why did I go back and forth for so long? Why didn't I get on the lifeboat sooner?
It's because I'm so dang empathetic. I put I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to make him sad before the way I felt. Finally one day I felt bad for me.
I cared more about myself than I did him. Somehow one day you realize it's now or never. Keep seeking the truth, don't accept your fate and one day the answer comes and you jump into that lifeboat full arms extended not to miss your landing. The hardest part for me was telling him that I'm divorcing him. Hardest thing I ever did. That night after I ripped the bandaid off I was so happy but that same night we continued talking and we were both crying. It's not easy but for me it was worth it.
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Post by baza on Jul 23, 2016 7:45:12 GMT -5
I was a good "waffler" and an even better "why chaser" in my heyday.
Truly though, on old EP, here, and in my life generally, I haven't seen anyone go seamlessly from "Hey. This ain't going well" to "divorced" in orderly calm steps without even looking backward.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 23, 2016 8:17:12 GMT -5
This hole in the boat, and waffling has me thinking of a different yet similar, analogy. I am sitting here looking at a recent painting of a man on his yacht with the sun setting in front of him.
A Sm is like living on an expensive yacht that never gets oil in the engine.
Looks like a dream from the outside.
Others envy your ideal life.
A great investment, something that will hold it's value and last.
Room for a family, and a fun life.
Imagine and remember those cruises you took every week when it was new.
Things are starting to get cramped, busy, crowded. No more time for trips like before. You have been buying oil, reminding your spouse to oil the engine, eventually the motor no longer cranks. The boat sits.
The hull starts to get full of barnacles.
The rigging is corroding in the salty air.
The whole boat is loosing value.
The thought of ever using it for a pleasure trip is no longer possible.
It would cost more to fix it than what it's worth.
So you keep it and live there, till the kids are gone. Now you are beginning to see, smaller boats, or a life on land, a new boat, cheaper, faster, one that you can take out any time you want but doesn't have to stay in the water. Your spouse is very content staying there, while things continue to deteriorate at a faster speed. Are you willing to leave the big yacht sitting in the water for a new beginning?
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Post by obobfla on Jul 23, 2016 8:30:12 GMT -5
Big waffler here. I am going to leave, then I stay, then I am going to leave...for a weekend. But let's face it - leaving is scary! And if we are talking boat analogies, I don't see another boat on the horizon right now, only open water. Plus, I do care for my wife. She is the mother of my son. Right now, she is doing better. We adjusted her meds, so she is less depressed and more aware. If you want to see a picture of our house now....  |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2016 9:20:42 GMT -5
Big waffler here. I am going to leave, then I stay, then I am going to leave...for a weekend. But let's face it - leaving is scary! And if we are talking boat analogies, I don't see another boat on the horizon right now, only open water. Plus, I do care for my wife. She is the mother of my son. Right now, she is doing better. We adjusted her meds, so she is less depressed and more aware. If you want to see a picture of our house now.... I could do that kind of waffle all night. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2016 10:39:52 GMT -5
I definitely waffled and at first I wanted to say it's because of an inability to make decisions, but I thought for another ten seconds and realized it's not that. Think a few more seconds, why did I go back and forth for so long? Why didn't I get on the lifeboat sooner? It's because I'm so dang empathetic. I put I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to make him sad before the way I felt. Finally one day I felt bad for me. I cared more about myself than I did him. Somehow one day you realize it's now or never. Keep seeking the truth, don't accept your fate and one day the answer comes and you jump into that lifeboat full arms extended not to miss your landing. The hardest part for me was telling him that I'm divorcing him. Hardest thing I ever did. That night after I ripped the bandaid off I was so happy but that same night we continued talking and we were both crying. It's not easy but for me it was worth it. In my opinion, there is no moral difference between being cruel to others and being cruel to yourself. Either way, you're abusing someone. You're not taking some high road by abusing someone else in order to make your spouse happy. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 23, 2016 12:04:14 GMT -5
Leave the blue waffles alone!
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 23, 2016 13:02:49 GMT -5
I actually used the sinking ship analogy in a conversation about this a few days ago;
Any captain knows that a ship can sustain a certain amount of damage and continue steaming: depending on when, where, and how, it can even survive a significant amount of damage in some places and complete a voyage.
The key however, is doing a complete survey to investigate what's gone wrong and try to get ahead of it before a fire or flooding in one place spreads to others. And all parties need to be involved to make it work.
So, how many us are here because we're trying to fight to save the ship on our own, when or partner either not helping, or is actively working against us?
I'm an engineer and a fixer; I'll run the pumps, try and seal the compartments, and counterflood to try and stay afloat. But at the same time I've already ordered the lifeboats uncovered, all passengers mustered on deck, and have plotted my position for when it comes time to send out calls for rescue. And those rescue personnel are already standing by.
Because this ship won't float forever.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 23, 2016 13:13:33 GMT -5
I definitely waffled and at first I wanted to say it's because of an inability to make decisions, but I thought for another ten seconds and realized it's not that. Think a few more seconds, why did I go back and forth for so long? Why didn't I get on the lifeboat sooner? It's because I'm so dang empathetic. I put I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to make him sad before the way I felt. Finally one day I felt bad for me. I cared more about myself than I did him. Somehow one day you realize it's now or never. Keep seeking the truth, don't accept your fate and one day the answer comes and you jump into that lifeboat full arms extended not to miss your landing. The hardest part for me was telling him that I'm divorcing him. Hardest thing I ever did. That night after I ripped the bandaid off I was so happy but that same night we continued talking and we were both crying. It's not easy but for me it was worth it. In my opinion, there is no moral difference between being cruel to others and being cruel to yourself. Either way, you're abusing someone. You're not taking some high road by abusing someone else in order to make your spouse happy. That is so true and for years I could live with that because I did love him and I thought he loved me. He probably loved me to the best of his ability but it took it getting to verbal abuse for me to wake up and realize I deserved better and you don't say that to someone you love. As strong as my love was for him to put him first all those years, like the flip of a switch when I found EP and gained clarity then just as strong I loved myself and not him. |
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Post by Neotericgal on Jul 23, 2016 16:33:31 GMT -5
I definitely waffled and at first I wanted to say it's because of an inability to make decisions, but I thought for another ten seconds and realized it's not that. Think a few more seconds, why did I go back and forth for so long? Why didn't I get on the lifeboat sooner? It's because I'm so dang empathetic. I put I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to make him sad before the way I felt. Finally one day I felt bad for me. I cared more about myself than I did him. Somehow one day you realize it's now or never. Keep seeking the truth, don't accept your fate and one day the answer comes and you jump into that lifeboat full arms extended not to miss your landing. The hardest part for me was telling him that I'm divorcing him. Hardest thing I ever did. That night after I ripped the bandaid off I was so happy but that same night we continued talking and we were both crying. It's not easy but for me it was worth it. "Why didn't I get on the lifeboat sooner? It's because I'm so dang empathetic. I put I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to make him sad before the way I felt. Finally one day I felt bad for me." This! I waffle about this as well in addition to everything else. In a nutshell, i think everyone here has a whole lot of this going on in their relationships too. We share our personal stories, but often there are untold conversations with our partners that haven't been shared yet or maybe never will be that add to the waffler's indecision that serve the purpose of adding a dollop of whipped cream or strawberries or worse, chocolate to a stale waffle. |
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Post by Neotericgal on Jul 23, 2016 16:39:27 GMT -5
I was a good "waffler" and an even better "why chaser" in my heyday. Truly though, on old EP, here, and in my life generally, I haven't seen anyone go seamlessly from "Hey. This ain't going well" to "divorced" in orderly calm steps without even looking backward. Touché! This is the struggle, and the struggle is real. Thankfully though, we have those who have 'been there, done that' to help empower those of us gain the momentum and clarity we need. Thank you. |
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