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Post by warmways on Jul 22, 2016 19:36:21 GMT -5
I have this issue ... I've spent so long not talking that when i really feel the need to say how I really feel with him, there's just a cavern of emptiness below and I can't say what I need to.
Every single time that I have tried to get closer and tried to communicate and grow in awareness, he closes down and accuses me of
- not making sense
- being irrational
- hurting his feelings
- he can't talk about this right now
- his stomach hurts
- and the list goes on
I used to talk but over the last year when I blurted out that I wanted a divorce and sustained his complete hurt and withdrawal and then I had an emotional break after weeks without sleep I've had to work on me and not even engage with him.
This is just a comment. I just needed to share. Thanks.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 22, 2016 19:54:02 GMT -5
His accusations are total horseshit avoidant excuses.
Focusing on yourself is a great idea!
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Post by baza on Jul 22, 2016 20:14:00 GMT -5
Two people.
#1 want's to have a discussion about a particular matter.
#2 does not want to have a discussion about a particular matter.
Result = no such discussion can take place.
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It is classic avoidant behaviour.
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Sooner or later, #1 is going to have to act unilaterally on the particular matter.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 22, 2016 20:27:05 GMT -5
Are you concerned that you will be " loosing your voice" with others too? I am. It is a concern of mine. That's one reason I have so much to say on here! So I don't grow dull, and cowardly cold. All part of the depression that comes with LIASM!
Thanks for every single response you have sent my way. I hope to return positive thoughts your way as well!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 23:04:38 GMT -5
Two people. #1 want's to have a discussion about a particular matter. #2 does not want to have a discussion about a particular matter. Result = no such discussion can take place. - It is classic avoidant behaviour. - Sooner or later, #1 is going to have to act unilaterally on the particular matter. Unilaterally. You're going to have to tell him you're divorcing him, not that you want a divorce. It may just be idiomatic, but I read over and over again stories in which people recount telling their spouse they want a divorce. Most people in the US know they don't need their spouse or anyone else's agreement to get a divorce. But they still present the issue almost as a request. I suppose the reason is they would rather not act unilaterally. Not be the bad guy. Not be the one who's "throwing all this away." Not have to drag an unwilling passive aggressive manipulator through an excruciating legal process. You're not likely to get the agreement you seek. Refusers have things just the way they want them: with them in control. Chances are slim they will get onboard with any plan that threatens their little fiefdom. No, unless the gods cut you a break, you're going to have to launch and drive the divorce without his agreement and likely in the face of his resistance. |
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Post by warmways on Jul 22, 2016 23:15:11 GMT -5
Are you concerned that you will be " loosing your voice" with others too? I am. It is a concern of mine. That's one reason I have so much to say on here! So I don't grow dull, and cowardly cold. All part of the depression that comes with LIASM! Thanks for every single response you have sent my way. I hope to return positive thoughts your way as well! Oh man. Thanks so much for your response. Sometimes (truth be told, almost all the time) I feel very lost, confused and depressed. I see a therapist and am pretty good with dealing with the SM most days. Yes, I definitely am concerned I'll lose my voice with others and even on here too. Okay, here's to talking, speaking up, saying what's on our minds. (: (: (: |
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Post by warmways on Jul 22, 2016 23:17:45 GMT -5
Two people. #1 want's to have a discussion about a particular matter. #2 does not want to have a discussion about a particular matter. Result = no such discussion can take place. - It is classic avoidant behaviour. - Sooner or later, #1 is going to have to act unilaterally on the particular matter. I really needed to read this. Thank you, Baz . I have some small exit plan steps. A number of an attorney and my moms support and my therapist who has been encouraging me to take action. |
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Post by warmways on Jul 22, 2016 23:21:14 GMT -5
His accusations are total horseshit avoidant excuses. Focusing on yourself is a great idea! |
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Post by warmways on Jul 22, 2016 23:23:15 GMT -5
His accusations are total horseshit avoidant excuses. Focusing on yourself is a great idea! I know you're right. Thanks for your support bballgirl. |
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Post by warmways on Jul 22, 2016 23:25:50 GMT -5
Two people. #1 want's to have a discussion about a particular matter. #2 does not want to have a discussion about a particular matter. Result = no such discussion can take place. - It is classic avoidant behaviour. - Sooner or later, #1 is going to have to act unilaterally on the particular matter. Unilaterally. You're going to have to tell him you're divorcing him, not that you want a divorce. It may just be idiomatic, but I read over and over again stories in which people recount telling their spouse they want a divorce. Most people in the US know they don't need their spouse or anyone else's agreement to get a divorce. But they still present the issue almost as a request. I suppose the reason is they would rather not act unilaterally. Not be the bad guy. Not be the one who's "throwing all this away." Not have to drag an unwilling passive aggressive manipulator through an excruciating legal process. You're not likely to get the agreement you seek. Refusers have things just the way they want them: with them in control. Chances are slim they will get onboard with any plan that threatens their little fiefdom. No, unless the gods cut you a break, you're going to have to launch and drive the divorce without his agreement and likely in the face of his resistance. |
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Post by warmways on Jul 22, 2016 23:35:59 GMT -5
Thanks for your response Phin.
Yes, I will have to tell him in that way instead of saying I want a div. And I know now to have a good exit plan in place before threatening divorce.
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Post by baza on Jul 22, 2016 23:57:22 GMT -5
Anecdote.
A friend of mine - my age - has a tumultuous relationship with his step daughter.
On what I hear, she is a parasite, and plays her mother (my friends wife) like a piano (and on what I have actually observed this is a pretty accurate label)
The step daughter moved from the city to here about a year ago, ostenstensibly because country living would be good for her 2 kids - but I think in reality because it would be easier to sponge off her mother at closer distance.
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My friend made a big statement. - "If she moves up here, I am moving out"
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The daughter duly moved up here.
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Then he said to his missus - "They are not going to be hanging around here all day every day or I am outta here" and he and his missus agreed that they could come over every Sunday. And in the meantime they helped her with her rent etc etc and to get settled in.
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Within a fortnight the 'every Sunday' had turned in to every second day.
"If this continues, I am outta here" - my friend said.
And duly, every second day became 2 days out of every 3, the daughter sponging off the mother, which by default puts my friend in a position of subsidising the daughters indolent lifestyle.
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"I'm fucking sick of it" - he was telling me the other day when we went for a ride.
"Want an opinion ?" - I asked.
"Nup" - he said - adding "I know what your opinion would be".
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It is a very interesting dynamic this one.
There are all sorts of ways one could apportion out the blame here (not that there is any point in so doing), and everyone would be wearing their fair share of it.
Naturally, I am sympathetic to my friends position, but that doesn't absolve him of his role in the picture.
I like his missus too, but she has a fair bit of ownership in the picture as well.
The daughter, I don't like, and that probably colours my view of her part in the picture, so I'll not advance an opinion about her conduct.
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I do however think that my friend would do well to consult a lawyer in our jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for him. It would be a smart idea for his missus to do so as well.
The dynamic shows every sign of going guts up, (and I'd be betting at the instigation of my friends missus, who seems far more invested in her daughter and grandkids than she is in the marriage) probably sooner rather than later.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 23, 2016 8:13:35 GMT -5
It seems to me you are in quite a good place. You know what his position is. You know what you want and what your position is. You know how hard it was for you to try and stand up.
But you are getting stronger. You are learning and growing and you know that at some point soon you will be strong enough to do what you know you want to do. So keep on working on yourself, keep on getting stronger and wiser and braver. And know that someday soon you will get over this hurdle and be ready to face whatever life offers you next.
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Post by warmways on Jul 23, 2016 11:59:54 GMT -5
Thank you unmatched. I appreciate this. I'm gaining traction now. I work slowly but will get there. It's hard not to wish I could have gotten it together/ become stronger earlier but that kind of thinking sets me back so it's more important (for all of us still in a SM) to accept where we are --while-- taking strides towards our own happiness and independence.
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Post by RumRunner on Aug 3, 2016 15:28:17 GMT -5
Once constructive communication leaves a relationship, there can only be one outcome. Stay strong, and go your own way. Seek what brings you happiness.
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