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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 4, 2016 17:19:12 GMT -5
Did you have good days even near the end? Today's a good day. I'm just happy and somewhat content. This happens every once and a while and it messes with my head. Just last week I had a day that made me want to hop in the car and leave. Then just a week later, today happens. I feel like there are good things for me here. There's no sex. No physical affection. No love for my wife beyond friendship. Yet, there's still good things. I know that sounds messed up but there are things about this situation that I stand to lose. It makes it tough to be confident.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 4, 2016 18:28:43 GMT -5
There were still some good days, but they became fewer and further between. He pulled away, sulked, and I got the silent treatment. Most days I was ready to punch holes in the wall he irritated me so much (it takes quite a bit to get me to that point!). There was the loss of so many good things: our shared history, the stupid things we said that only made sense to us, the loss of hope of a happy future together. In the end, we were roommates and more like friends. We even sat with each other in court, and we have mutual friends and still see each other from time to time. Right after the divorce he did things that made me remember why I married him. He still did more things that reminded me why we got divorced, and those are more often than not when i see him now. Fortunately for me, it is limited contact, and that is so much easier!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 18:51:55 GMT -5
Yes, there have been a few good days (sadly fewer and fewer). Christmas Eve stands out in my mind. We spent most of the day and all of the evening with just our little family - the kids and the two of us. We opened gifts, played games as a family, laughed, shared a bottle of wine, enjoyed our kids and just chatted. I went to bed and cried because of what we have lost. It made me remember all the good things about my marriage and made me sad to see how far we've drifted from that. Unfortunately, there are far more days that remind me why I need this divorce. It's my sincere hope that we can make it out the other side and find a way to stay friends, although at the moment things are pretty nasty so I don't really know.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 19:15:13 GMT -5
Yes. There were good days.
That's what makes it so very difficult. I think there are a few exceptions - a few people whose spouses were just all-around rotten marriage partners. Maybe they were stupid and irresponsible about money; or just mean and nasty.
But I believe many of us - if not most of us - didn't have a spouse who was so bad about everything that leaving was a no-brainer. Most of our spouses had something good - kindness, intelligence, good sense of humor - something that made them likable.
Bazzar always said that "all is great bar the sex," is a myth - it's an example of us being in denial about how bad the marriage really is.
And on the whole, I agree with that - I agree that usually, something is wrong in the marriage, in addition to the sex.
But I always added this piece to Baz's maxim: "No, it's not 'all is great bar the sex.' But the sex made it a lot easier to live with the other problems."
Good, frequent sex can make up for a lot, IMHO.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 4, 2016 19:54:48 GMT -5
Did you have good days even near the end? Today's a good day. I'm just happy and somewhat content. This happens every once and a while and it messes with my head. Just last week I had a day that made me want to hop in the car and leave. Then just a week later, today happens. I feel like there are good things for me here. There's no sex. No physical affection. No love for my wife beyond friendship. Yet, there's still good things. I know that sounds messed up but there are things about this situation that I stand to lose. It makes it tough to be confident. This sounds perfectly normal to me.... Just because you have some good days doesn't mean that the issues in your marriage go away. It's the issues such as no sex, no intimacy, no love that is weighing heavily. What you have is only friendship and no more. This is the sad place that most of us falls into. |
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 4, 2016 19:57:26 GMT -5
Yes. There were good days. That's what makes it so very difficult. I think there are a few exceptions - a few people whose spouses were just all-around rotten marriage partners. Maybe they were stupid and irresponsible about money; or just mean and nasty. But I believe many of us - if not most of us - didn't have a spouse who was so bad about everything that leaving was a no-brainer. Most of our spouses had something good - kindness, intelligence, good sense of humor - something that made them likable. Bazzar always said that "all is great bar the sex," is a myth - it's an example of us being in denial about how bad the marriage really is. And on the whole, I agree with that - I agree that usually, something is wrong in the marriage, in addition to the sex. But I always added this piece to Baz's maxim: "No, it's not 'all is great bar the sex.' But the sex made it a lot easier to live with the other problems." Good, frequent sex can make up for a lot, IMHO. I agree, but most importantly is the feeling of being loved and desired, and what better way is to show it through good and frequent sex!  |
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TheBumble
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 4, 2016 20:53:27 GMT -5
We still have some days that SEEM normal..........but always, lurking beneath that thin veneer, are the things she has said to me over the years......and of course her unilateral decision to end our intimacy as a married couple. A tiger may not always attack you.......but it's stripes aren't going to change. These 'good days' are like spiderwebs.....you think, 'Oh, look! A bridge!'......but then you get out there and realize it's not negotiable and you're just setting yourself up to once again be bitten, wrapped up, and left dangling. A big part of codependence is always looking for those little Scooby Snacks your refuser throws out. Good days are Scooby Snacks, nothing more.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 4, 2016 20:58:33 GMT -5
We still have some days that SEEM normal..........but always, lurking beneath that thin veneer, are the things she has said to me over the years......and of course her unilateral decision to end our intimacy as a married couple. A tiger may not always attack you.......but it's stripes aren't going to change. These 'good days' are like spiderwebs.....you think, 'Oh, look! A bridge!'......but then you get out there and realize it's not negotiable and you're just setting yourself up to once again be bitten, wrapped up, and left dangling. A big part of codependence is always looking for those little Scooby Snacks your refuser throws out. Good days are Scooby Snacks, nothing more. I like that - Scooby Snacks should go into the glossary section! |
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TheBumble
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 4, 2016 23:13:20 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2016 10:48:52 GMT -5
Did you have good days even near the end? Today's a good day. I'm just happy and somewhat content. This happens every once and a while and it messes with my head. Just last week I had a day that made me want to hop in the car and leave. Then just a week later, today happens. I feel like there are good things for me here. There's no sex. No physical affection. No love for my wife beyond friendship. Yet, there's still good things. I know that sounds messed up but there are things about this situation that I stand to lose. It makes it tough to be confident. I have thought about this a lot. Yes, there were good days, in a sense. When my wife would spend HOURS looking at houses online, or working on preparations for her class, or when she would be talking to someone on the phone, those were good times. There were peaceful conversations when she would be talking about subjects that interested her. When she talked about things she wanted to do, or vacations she wanted to take, or how she wanted to spend money. Sometimes, she would be peaceful when she was watching something on TV that she liked, or doing something else that she wanted to do. It took me a while to admit it, and some of my family members have pointed it out, but it is obvious that the only good times happened when she was getting her way, or doing what she wanted to do. However, the minute she was not happy or things were not going the way she wanted, things got bad really fast. So to answer your question, there were "good" days. But in this sense, "good" only meant the times that she was peaceful. This did not happen often, and only happened on her terms. So I did not have the chance to do anything that I would like to do. My sister, to whom I am very close, has told me that I was obviously in an abusive relationship. It is hard to admit that as a man, I accepted abuse, but it is true. However, I did it to provide as much peace and stability for my daughters as I could. Now that they are both grown, there was no reason for me to stay. Sorry for the ramble. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 5, 2016 12:01:38 GMT -5
the sex made it a lot easier to live with the other problems." Good, frequent sex can make up for a lot, IMHO. Agree 100%. I think every married couple on the planet could find things about their relationship that was unhealthy. A good bit of genuine and mutual desire for each other probably irons out a lot of the wrinkles. ...or so I imagine. Sadly, I wouldn't know. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 5, 2016 12:09:12 GMT -5
But I always added this piece to Baz's maxim: "No, it's not 'all is great bar the sex.' But the sex made it a lot easier to live with the other problems." Good, frequent sex can make up for a lot, IMHO. I had a more modest hypothesis... that any sex could help. I never found out whether that was true. I actually did find out. It helps a little at first but for me, lousy sex is almost worse than none. It just serves as a brutal reminder of why I stopped initiating a long time ago. It can feel like I'm just some bother. During a bad encounter, I almost feel repulsive to her with how she seems to almost cringe or resist my touch. Sometimes it's just easier and less painful to go without. ... sometimes. Now granted, when it's been years, even a really bad encounter is a breath of fresh air. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 5, 2016 12:14:59 GMT -5
Did you have good days even near the end? Today's a good day. I'm just happy and somewhat content. This happens every once and a while and it messes with my head. Just last week I had a day that made me want to hop in the car and leave. Then just a week later, today happens. I feel like there are good things for me here. There's no sex. No physical affection. No love for my wife beyond friendship. Yet, there's still good things. I know that sounds messed up but there are things about this situation that I stand to lose. It makes it tough to be confident. I have thought about this a lot. Yes, there were good days, in a sense. When my wife would spend HOURS looking at houses online, or working on preparations for her class, or when she would be talking to someone on the phone, those were good times. There were peaceful conversations when she would be talking about subjects that interested her. When she talked about things she wanted to do, or vacations she wanted to take, or how she wanted to spend money. Sometimes, she would be peaceful when she was watching something on TV that she liked, or doing something else that she wanted to do. It took me a while to admit it, and some of my family members have pointed it out, but it is obvious that the only good times happened when she was getting her way, or doing what she wanted to do. However, the minute she was not happy or things were not going the way she wanted, things got bad really fast. So to answer your question, there were "good" days. But in this sense, "good" only meant the times that she was peaceful. This did not happen often, and only happened on her terms. So I did not have the chance to do anything that I would like to do. My sister, to whom I am very close, has told me that I was obviously in an abusive relationship. It is hard to admit that as a man, I accepted abuse, but it is true. However, I did it to provide as much peace and stability for my daughters as I could. Now that they are both grown, there was no reason for me to stay. Sorry for the ramble. Don't apologize. That was very relevant to me. VERY relevant. I am in a bit of a similar situation. My wife can be very kind and generous but she also can seem rather selfish. Many of the things you said could have come out of my mouth. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 5, 2016 12:17:19 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies everyone. Ya'll had some really good insights for me. Plus, as usual, it's good to know I'm not alone in this. I wish I had time to give a detailed reply to all of you individually but I'm a bit too busy to get that detailed.
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Post by darktippedrose on Apr 6, 2016 14:55:47 GMT -5
Did you have good days even near the end? Today's a good day. I'm just happy and somewhat content. This happens every once and a while and it messes with my head. Just last week I had a day that made me want to hop in the car and leave. Then just a week later, today happens. I feel like there are good things for me here. There's no sex. No physical affection. No love for my wife beyond friendship. Yet, there's still good things. I know that sounds messed up but there are things about this situation that I stand to lose. It makes it tough to be confident. I have thought about this a lot. Yes, there were good days, in a sense. When my wife would spend HOURS looking at houses online, or working on preparations for her class, or when she would be talking to someone on the phone, those were good times. There were peaceful conversations when she would be talking about subjects that interested her. When she talked about things she wanted to do, or vacations she wanted to take, or how she wanted to spend money. Sometimes, she would be peaceful when she was watching something on TV that she liked, or doing something else that she wanted to do. It took me a while to admit it, and some of my family members have pointed it out, but it is obvious that the only good times happened when she was getting her way, or doing what she wanted to do. However, the minute she was not happy or things were not going the way she wanted, things got bad really fast. So to answer your question, there were "good" days. But in this sense, "good" only meant the times that she was peaceful. This did not happen often, and only happened on her terms. So I did not have the chance to do anything that I would like to do. My sister, to whom I am very close, has told me that I was obviously in an abusive relationship. It is hard to admit that as a man, I accepted abuse, but it is true. However, I did it to provide as much peace and stability for my daughters as I could. Now that they are both grown, there was no reason for me to stay. Sorry for the ramble. This is like me. except I'm still in it. the first 5 years of marriage were mostly ok. But those were the years when I REALLY didn't know I was being controlled and manipulated. He got things his way, but he didn't like those years. if I said one thing wrong, he'd leave for HOURS at a time. I'd be worried. I called the hospital and the jail, etc etc. Sometimes he'd be gone for a day, a day and a half. and he'd laugh at me. hes only happy when he's away from me and my kidz. He's never happy around as. At first those good times or "bread crumbs" would make me confused and feel guilty but not anymore. I know his meanness will come right around the corner. |
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