Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 14:36:32 GMT -5
So I sent this yesterday and Apparently my email was "high handed...self serving...not you...Full of I, I, I...not really attractive...makes you sound selfish...I guess I need to make a neat list of my accomplishments...prideful...your letter was full of judgement of me..." Got a shit storm umbrella? Add mine to the voices saying your tone was correct. From a therapy perspective, the only statements you can accurately make are "I want" and "I feel", not "you are" and "you make me...". She can't argue how you claim to feel, or what you want; however, you would be easily wrong to project on her with suppositions about "what she is thinking" or "why she is behaving this way". You gotta stick to factual statements there. You did good. It's her issue. DC I agree big-time... only you can present how you feel... and those are facts... To the contrary, my W loves to tell me what I am thinking and feeling, regardless of whether it is true or not...stick to your guns.. |
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Post by unmatched on Jul 20, 2016 19:04:14 GMT -5
Would I be right in guessing you have spent most of your marriage being very careful what you say and treading on eggshells around your wife? And that you have always thought about what you can do to make her happy or to make the marriage better and never thought too much about just saying how you feel and giving her an opportunity to see if she wants to make you happy?
Just a hunch.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 20, 2016 19:43:12 GMT -5
Would I be right in guessing you have spent most of your marriage being very careful what you say and treading on eggshells around your wife? And that you have always thought about what you can do to make her happy or to make the marriage better and never thought too much about just saying how you feel and giving her an opportunity to see if she wants to make you happy? Just a hunch. Just to expand that a bit more, I have been thinking a lot the last few days about the idea of just being yourself, and then letting your spouse carry some of the weight of making the marriage work. If they want to. I have always been very 'strategic' about it - should I say this now, what effect will it have if I share that, will this encourage my wife to open and grow. That is not an equal relationship, and it doesn't give my wife that much of an opportunity to find out whether she likes me when I am being completely open and whether that is something she wants to live with or not. Nor does it give me a chance to feel loved for who I am. Or not. |
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unkakris
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Posts: 86 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jul 20, 2016 20:26:54 GMT -5
Would I be right in guessing you have spent most of your marriage being very careful what you say and treading on eggshells around your wife? And that you have always thought about what you can do to make her happy or to make the marriage better and never thought too much about just saying how you feel and giving her an opportunity to see if she wants to make you happy? Just a hunch. Give that man a cee-gar! He hit the bullseye! |
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unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jul 20, 2016 20:38:41 GMT -5
Would I be right in guessing you have spent most of your marriage being very careful what you say and treading on eggshells around your wife? And that you have always thought about what you can do to make her happy or to make the marriage better and never thought too much about just saying how you feel and giving her an opportunity to see if she wants to make you happy? Just a hunch. Just to expand that a bit more, I have been thinking a lot the last few days about the idea of just being yourself, and then letting your spouse carry some of the weight of making the marriage work. If they want to. I have always been very 'strategic' about it - should I say this now, what effect will it have if I share that, will this encourage my wife to open and grow. That is not an equal relationship, and it doesn't give my wife that much of an opportunity to find out whether she likes me when I am being completely open and whether that is something she wants to live with or not. Nor does it give me a chance to feel loved for who I am. Or not. I neglected to add that last night she also said "your personality has really changed lately. I don't like it." What has changed is that I have stopped kowtowing to her, stopped kissing her ass (literally and figuratively), started saying what I actually feel or think. I am still careful to speak respectfully, with compassion. But honestly, and clearly. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 20, 2016 20:47:37 GMT -5
I neglected to add that last night she also said "your personality has really changed lately. I don't like it." These are not the words of a woman who is feeling remorseful for her behavior or humble about changing herself. They are the words of a woman who wants to argue. For her, change is not in the wind. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 20, 2016 20:53:14 GMT -5
Just to expand that a bit more, I have been thinking a lot the last few days about the idea of just being yourself, and then letting your spouse carry some of the weight of making the marriage work. If they want to. I have always been very 'strategic' about it - should I say this now, what effect will it have if I share that, will this encourage my wife to open and grow. That is not an equal relationship, and it doesn't give my wife that much of an opportunity to find out whether she likes me when I am being completely open and whether that is something she wants to live with or not. Nor does it give me a chance to feel loved for who I am. Or not. I neglected to add that last night she also said "your personality has really changed lately. I don't like it." What has changed is that I have stopped kowtowing to her, stopped kissing her ass (literally and figuratively), started saying what I actually feel or think. I am still careful to speak respectfully, with compassion. But honestly, and clearly. Use her words to motivate your escape!' When my H would say "you disgust me". That put another nail in the coffin each time |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 20, 2016 21:10:21 GMT -5
I neglected to add that last night she also said "your personality has really changed lately. I don't like it." What has changed is that I have stopped kowtowing to her, stopped kissing her ass (literally and figuratively), started saying what I actually feel or think. I am still careful to speak respectfully, with compassion. But honestly, and clearly. Use her words to motivate your escape!' When my H would say "you disgust me". That put another nail in the coffin each time Amen sister! and you have just documented it here on line. So go back to it a month from now and look at what steps you have taken for your own self improvement! a little of track, but here's an example. My wife is off on business pleasure trip, right? that leaves me with aging father in law to look after and six teens. I have gone no where (out of town) for the nine years he lives with us. he's been to the hospital five times this past year. screw that! i have a 19 yr old, an almost 18 yr old a 16 yr old all living here, neighbors, etc... i am doing something for ME tomorrow. tired of looking after her daddy, at the expense of me and my kids. I am going snorkeling with my daughter tomorrow, hours away from home. the house wont burn and no one will die. Try something new for yourself this week! |
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Post by unmatched on Jul 20, 2016 21:16:33 GMT -5
Just to expand that a bit more, I have been thinking a lot the last few days about the idea of just being yourself, and then letting your spouse carry some of the weight of making the marriage work. If they want to. I have always been very 'strategic' about it - should I say this now, what effect will it have if I share that, will this encourage my wife to open and grow. That is not an equal relationship, and it doesn't give my wife that much of an opportunity to find out whether she likes me when I am being completely open and whether that is something she wants to live with or not. Nor does it give me a chance to feel loved for who I am. Or not. I neglected to add that last night she also said "your personality has really changed lately. I don't like it." What has changed is that I have stopped kowtowing to her, stopped kissing her ass (literally and figuratively), started saying what I actually feel or think. I am still careful to speak respectfully, with compassion. But honestly, and clearly. So finally, after all these years, you are both starting to be honest with each other. Good for you! |
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Post by baza on Jul 20, 2016 23:01:25 GMT -5
You give her the letter.
She reads it.
She dismisses it.
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Your stated position has been called out.
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Over to you.
Were you bluffing ?
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