This Path

Know that I love you, care for you, like you, and hold in my heart an abiding concern and compassion for your well-being and wholeness.

These past months have brought about great change for me, for you, and for Andy.

In this year I have filed for bankruptcy, been diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes, gone through upheaval in staff at the cafe, begun the Washington state real estate course, altered my diet, begun a program of regular exercise, and entered into and completed an obstacle race.

Perhaps the most important change that has occurred this year for me is my deciding to quit playing video games so that I could focus on the real estate course of study.

I say that because when I stopped playing video games many other things begin to change for me.

I stopped drinking alcohol at night, stopped snacking at night, stopped looking at internet porn, and began to get more sleep every night.

This ending of what now is clearly a pattern of self-anesthetizing has given me room for an awakening.

It has also shown me that the lack of sex in our relationship is something that I need to own part of.

It has shown me that my fear of hurting you, with words, during sex, when your body aches, has made me lock away my feelings because that thought of causing you pain also pained me.

I know that causing you intentional pain is anathema to me. But when I also lock away my feelings or concerns, it caused me to resent my inaction or silence.

I would rather bring you all the comforts of the world than hurt you. But I fear that is an illusion of happiness.

But I have had an awakening to myself.

I realized that I have been so busy, so worried, so buried in work, home, care, worry, fear, and stress that I had lost touch with who Christian is.

I began to see myself, separate of the roles I play, the jobs I do, the things I spend time on, as a man in his 40’s trying to make himself better.

Make himself healthier, whole, happier.

There have been a few tools that have helped me in this.

The first arose out of yoga. The regular practice of meditation at the beginning and end of each session reminded me that I had a regular practice of meditation years ago. So I began again.

The second has been altering my diet. This has brought about a focus and feeling of health and wellbeing that I now know was absent in the past.

The third has been regular exercise, which makes me feel stronger, happier, more able in my body and in my mind.

The fourth has been seeing a therapist to work on fear, self-esteem, self-worth, and managing of my ADD.

The fifth has been reconnecting with friends, new and old.

All of these combined have helped me grow, and feel better, see better, pay attention, and focus.

I say this because I want you to feel better, happier, grow as well.

I feel that your health and happiness are not where you would like them.

When I have heard you or seen you threaten to hurt yourself, ask me to hurt you, leave you, shoot you, I am frightened for you.

When I hear you say you don’t understand me, or what I’m doing, or how I’m spending time, or not having a sexual relationship with you, I am hurt.

I am a good man, doing the best I know how, growing as fast as I can, trying to honor all my obligations and commitments.

I love you.

I love Andy.

I love our pets.

I want to help you, but I have found that what I did in the past has not helped.

I am changing, and for the healthier, for the happier, for the more peaceful.

I want that for you, but I can’t make that happen. Only you can make that happen.

It is said that you cannot truly teach anyone, you can only be an example that they may emulate.

I want to be an example of self-growth and health, for myself first, and for anyone else that it may help.

You said last night that I am not a professional. That is correct. So I will not attempt to play the role of a health care professional.

Instead I will continue to pursue my health, my peace, my growth. As I do, I will share with you what I am doing to pursue those things.

It is also said that the guide, the hero, and the example that we wish to find and to follow are within. That the ability to be your own best example is findable inside.

I am exploring what it means to be me, in this body, at this time, in this life.

When we board the airplane, they tell us that we have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, so that if we need to we can help our seatmates after we are given that life support.

I am putting on my oxygen mask now.