Risk.

Jul 19, 2016 10:37:15 GMT -5 smilin61 said:

Jul 19, 2016 9:28:34 GMT -5 @smartkat said:

My refuser seemed to be willing to put up with my obvious unhappiness. He knew me well enough to know that I didn't like unpleasantness, so he could be reasonably sure that I wouldn't want to Talk About It(TM) very often. And when I did, he knew he could shut me up by getting bitchy about whatever I said.

So, I guess, for him, the cost of keeping me around - while making no effort to change the situation - was pretty low. He'd have to deal with me sulking because I was angry, and having a crying fit about every 6 weeks. In return for that, he got my physical presence in our home. I'm not sure what else he wanted from me.

Yep. I often wondered why my refuser chose to get married over just getting a dog for companionship. And yes, that realization was a big 'ouch'.

I think when you get to a certain point in your relationship with your refuser, even if that point is technically *no* relationship because you become the refuser, you get to see what your refuser's real minimum's are. Just how low can it go? I've seen it many times, where there really is no relationship beyond a presence in the house. Separate bedrooms, separate interests, separate finances....separate lives. With just the presence of being there the only common bond. And they can get some sense of fulfillment from that. The costs put on them may not make them necessarily happy, but they can "live with it". It sucks to take the dog out on a cold morning, but it's the cost of having the dog in the house. But at least the dog shows affection. Having a dog that doesn't show affection back is what some refuser's seem to be willing to accept. I don't understand it.

I think we at ILIASM are very susceptible to that as well. I lived in an emotionally abusive marriage for decades because of my need, (and ignorance of what it could be) of just wanting to have someone "there". Someone to fill the role of spouse. Someone else in the house, in my journey in life. As abusive as it was, it was strangely comforting. While I withdrew my deeper emotions from the marriage, I still clung to the image of it that I wanted it to be. I tried to fool the world that I was happily married, and fooled myself as well. How low could I go? 

I guess I was fortunate.... When I finally faced it, tried to change it by talking to my wife, worked with her to try to change it, but ultimately told my spouse that I no longer loved her (hardest words of my life) she understood that that was the end. There really was no lower ground, no long drawn out period where she could accept my presence, our presence together, without my commitment of loving her and she left. She couldn't settle for just having me around. She may not have met my needs, she may have been harsh, controlling and abusive, but her needs were at least genuine. I have to say that she was at least very honest with that. She couldn't accept having a "dog" that didn't show affection and love.

I dont think I would have stayed around myself, but I can't say that I wouldn't have slowed the process down, wouldn't have felt that pull from my need to just "have someone there" regardless of how angry or distant they were. And that's where the danger is. Where even though it's out in the open, the words have been said... one can trap oneself in a contest with your refuser of just how low can it go. Keep a comfortable status que. ..

The next step of actually leaving is "the real deal". It's no longer a concept, it's done. And it's painful. And it's scary.
Thats what it costs us. That's the risk we have to take. 
But it's worth it. 

Buy them a puppy...