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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2016 13:42:11 GMT -5
I like that bballgirl shared her personal conversation with her kids. It shows that we have to recognize repeating toxic patterns that we will/will not accept, whether they are a part of our history, or not. You pointed out that your siblings and you, all knew what was going on. Dad and Mom gave you the gift of a front-row seat to a very possible outcome ggold. How you choose to use the information is up to you, but consider yourself empowered by it, and the destigmatization of divorce for people of our generation. Children are resilient, and tend to thrive with two divorced parents who are cordial to each other as they co-parent, than "staying together for the kids" and continuing to live with tension and lies. Also consider that you are role modeling for your children (especially daughters) what you consider "acceptable" behavior for how men should treat them. I love you, dear friend, and have your back. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 18, 2016 14:30:03 GMT -5
I want to add that not all couples demonstrate a toxic relationship to the kids.
For example most of the time my ex slept on the couch.
That demonstrates it, not good role model behavior.
If there are behaviors that are toxic then by all means the justification is there to leave. Even if the toxic signs aren't there and as a couple you can shield it from the kids the fact that the one person who is supposed to have sex with you justifies a divorce.
However by leaving your (un)toxic marriage doesn't guarantee a fulfilling relationship it only guarantees the CHANCE the OPPORTUNITY for one.
You will get to have sex. A whole lot more but you will see it was never really about the act of sex per say but the need to feel wanted and desired.
That's hard to come by.
I feel like I'm just rambling now but I guess I want to say while I do favor divorce in most SM cases I do see and understand the exceptions. Divorce is such a huge step nothing to be taken lightly. For me it was a simple decision because my husband was such a douchebag but I know that's not the case for everyone and sometimes the college plan is a better window to exit depending on the circumstances.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 18, 2016 17:48:08 GMT -5
This talks to the philosophy of staying for the kids. The night we told the kids. After I went to bed, my nine year old had a lot of questions and one that she asked was "Whose idea was this? Who wanted the divorce?" I was a little surprised. I didn't know how to answer right away. (So of course I answered a question with a question) I asked her "Who do you think wanted this?" She said "You because of the way daddy always yells at you". Right there I responded with Yes it was my choice. Anytime someone doesn't treat you the way you should be treated you do not have to stay. Whether it's your boyfriend, friend, co-worker, anyone. So I was empowered to be as honest as I could to share and model for her the behavior that I hope that she will live her own life by. The sad thing is the one person that is supposed to treat us the best, our spouses, just doesn't care. That's not acceptable. So my pov and its with all due respect, staying for the kids benefits no one except the person that will have to pay child support and in my case it's my refuser paying each month. It would have been a lot cheaper if he would have fucked me once a month instead I get a check. He is probably much more comfortable with the check  |
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Post by obobfla on Jul 18, 2016 18:29:08 GMT -5
ggold, your post hit me. For 21 years, I have not had a drink. But it made me wonder if I am really sober. There is a difference. There are people who don't drink but remain resentful and sullen. They are known as dry drunks, and they are not truly sober. They are so miserable, you want to buy them a drink just to cheer them up. Since I have been married and been in a sexless marriage, I have never felt any compulsion to drink. Don't want it, and I don't need it. I do have an occasional cigar and an occasional affair, but no drinking. I don't want to go back to what I was. But I have been resentful and anxious. Thankfully, my son keeps me laughing, so I am not totally miserable. But there are times when I can't stand being around my wife. I am resentful, which is a dangerous thing for anyone with addiction problems. I can't leave now, but I intend to when I can. And when that day comes, I hopefully will be truly sober.@
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 18, 2016 21:37:54 GMT -5
@ggold that was a very open story and I thank you for sharing it with us. I could tell you tried very hard to see it from both of your parents' perspective and you did a good job. But it ended with you not being sure if they reconciled, although it was obvious they still cared for each other and did the best they could. There is a special bond between daddies and their daughters, but give mom some credit for having the strength to walk.
In the end, what matters is did you live your life standing up for yourself? Or did you spend your life as a victim? The first requires action on your part and yes, taking action will have consequences. Some may seem detrimental, yet in the end you get what you need. (Ol' Mick J. sang some wise lyrics). And I have to say in the end no one gets out alive - and regrets usually come from action NOT taken. "Staying for the kids" only teaches them to expect the same in their own marriage. Do you want your kids to have that idea? You sacrificed some very good years in the belief that it is good for the kids to see their parents living in misery.
My kids are grown and have families of their own. The most important lesson I think I taught my children was if they or anyone else disrespected their mother - they would answer to me. I see that same mentality being taught to my grandchildren. Don't be a victim, stand up for yourself and the ones you love. Maybe your mom needs to see that you learned your lesson from her and that you need to stop being the victim now. Good luck and peace in whatever way it goes.
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Post by Dan on Jul 19, 2016 14:45:28 GMT -5
ggold : A VERY powerful tale, my friend. Thank you VERY much for sharing it. Your father probably stayed for BOTH the impending social stigma he (or your mom) would have received, AND a sense of duty to support your mother financially... knowing that her mental health challenges would compound the challenge of her being a woman looking for work in that day and age. So many things are different now: - Even if you are not yet fully able to support yourself, you someday soon will be able -- because you are a professional woman and already have a career. (And your husband will be able to support himself!) - While your extended family or folks you know through church may balk, society in general no longer stigmatizes divorce, IMO. I believe your father's actions were driven by love (for your mother and you kids) and a sense of duty. In your fathers image, I believe you are driven by the same sense of love and duty... but modern day circumstances allow you to divorce and still be a good mom, without fear that your STBX will "disintegrate" without you; there is NO NEED for you to sacrifice your health and spirit to some abstract ideal, like your father did. Peace and hugs to you, my friend...
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Post by deleted on Jul 20, 2016 17:41:18 GMT -5
Sorry about your Dad's story. It kind of hit home.
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